It Was Only A Kiss!

Chapter Twenty Two


James left, closing the door behind him and Sirius looked warily at a wide-eyed Remus. Hee took a tentative step forward, frowning when Remus blinked, his face closing up before he turned away.

‘You’re angry with me,' Sirius said softly. 'I don’t blame you, but if you could just give me a chance to explain…’

‘It’s alright, Sirius,' Remus said stiffly, clenching his fists. 'Really. I do understand why…’

‘No, you don’t. I...’

‘I read the letter.’

There were several seconds of silence then Remus stood up, shoving his hands in his pockets. ‘I'm sorry I snooped,' he mumbled, staring at his feet. 'I probably shouldn't have but...well, I know now, so there’s not much more to be said. I really do understand how hard this must be for you and…well, maybe we can still be friends…’

‘Fuck it all, Moony! I don’t want to be your friend!' Sirius cried and Remus looked up sharply, hurt and pain all over his face.

'Fine,' he snapped angrily, turning his back on Sirius. 'You'll only have to put up with my presence for another few weeks then we never have to see each other again.'

'That's not what I meant, Remus!' Sirius insisted, voice cracking as the thought of never seeing Remus again tore at his insides. 'I just...'

He let out a sharp, frustrated exhale and ran a hand through his unusually dishevelled hair. ‘Can you just…hear me out?' he asked, stepping closer to Remus who glanced over his shoulder at him. 'Please? I know I’ve been a complete arse but I did warn you I would be occasionally. I needed some time to sort everything out in my head…and you know what a mess it is in there.’

He smiled weakly at Remus who felt his aching heart crack a little more. ‘You don’t need to explain your choices…’ he began, but Sirius interrupted.

‘Please, Remus?' he begged, grey eyes pleading and pained. 'Don’t give up on me so quickly.’

His imploring tone made Remus pause. He bit his lip, worrying it between his teeth. Sirius shifted closer and touched a finger to the soft, reddening flesh. 'You'll make it bleed.'

Remus shivered as Sirius' touch sent a jolt of pure want through his core. He moved to sit down on the bed and nodded his agreement. Sirius closed the distance between them and sat down next to him, giving Remus a little space. Remus' face was schooled into a blank mask and Sirius was terrifed that he wouldn't be able to get through to the werewolf.

‘Remus?’ he asked quietly and Remus frowned.

‘I’m listening,' he muttered, staring down at the floor. 'I said I would...’

Sirius nodded and took a breath, gathering his thoughts before he spoke. This might be the most important conversation he ever had and he had to get it right.

Breathe, Sirius. Breathe.

‘I’m sorry,' Sirius began, eyes fixed on Remus' frozen profile. 'I shouldn’t have lied to you about the letter but…I know you, Remus. You would have blamed yourself for all this shite.’

‘It’s my f…’

‘It’s not your fault,' Sirius said firmly. 'My problems with my family extend way beyond your reach, Moony. You didn't cause this - it's been coming for a long time...ever since I got sorted in Gryffindor really.’

Sirius sighed, reaching out and picking up the letter from his parents that James had dropped on the side table. ‘My parents want the Black name to continue and that was always more important than anything I ever got up to,' he murmured, running a finger along the edge of the obviously expensive parchment. 'They tell everyone I’m high spirited and put my oddities down to me…testing my limits.'

His tone was scathingly acerbic and Remus frowned at the resentment Sirius' voice held. He felt rather than saw Sirius take a deep breath and when he spoke again, the anger was gone from his voice.

'They think that the novelty of rebellion will end and I’ll come crawling back to the family when I realise how much I need them,' Sirius continued, calmer now. 'They are willing to put up with all the trouble I cause them, all the embarrassment I bring, because of what I can provide - the continuation of the good Black name. I were not able to give them that, if I was gay…' He shook his head. 'It would humiliate them.'

The hand holding the letter tightened a little, tearing the edge of the parchment. He screwed up his face in disgust as a passage caught his eye, wincing at the vitriol his parents had spat about his relationship with Remus.

‘When I came to Hogwarts, I saw the reaction other people had to my name and the way they behaved around me and…’ Sirius sighed heavily. ‘Well, you saw me. I was a right prat. It all went to my head. People wanted to be around me, girls wanted to shag me…and I guess I thought that if they were giving me all that attention, they must like me. They never did, of course. They liked the name and when I realised that, I used it shamelessly.'

He looked over at Remus who was studying his hands intently. His face was unreadable so Sirius continued, wanting to get it all out while he had the chance.

‘I won’t pretend that I didn’t like the perks that came along with my name, Remus - I did. I do,' he admitted, more than a little ashamed of his shallow, selfish streak. 'I like the attention and I like the power. The money’s nice too.'

He smiled humorlessly then shrugged. 'I guess I’ve just realised that nothing comes for free; that there is a pretty steep price to pay for those benefits,' he said softly, staring hard at Remus and willing him to look at him, to see how sorry he was about all of this. 'But it's a price I’m not willing to pay anymore, Remus. I don’t care about the name. I don’t care if I lose it all now. Because you’ve given me what I wanted.’

Remus glanced over at him, unable to stop himself. His scepticism showed on his face; his mind refusing to allow him to believe what he was hearing in an effort to protect his heart.

‘You’re just going to walk away?' he asked disbelievingly. 'From everything? For me?’

Sirius shook his head, catching Remus' gaze with his own and refusing to let go. ‘Not just for you, Remus,' he whispered. 'But for me too.'

Remus looked surprised and Sirius smiled a little tentatively.

'I spent years searching for a way to earn their affection, their love,' he told Remus. 'I’m not sure they are even capable of it, and I was starting to wonder if I was capable of it. All those girls I was with…I couldn’t work out why I didn’t fall for any of them, why I couldn’t love them.' He smiled less hesitantly this time. 'Now I know why. It's because they didn‘t know me, they didn’t want me. I was just "the Black heir". There are only a few people who saw me for who I am - James, Pete...you.'

He shifted closer, his knee pressing against Remus'. 'You…you always saw more of me, all of me. You made me realise I was more than just my surname. You made me realise I was capable of loving someone - with no conditions.'

He grinned suddenly. 'Even you being a bloke didn't stop me falling for you.’

Remus shook his head, but Sirius saw the corner of his mouth turn up a little. He took a breath and reached into his pocket, pulling out a folded piece of parchment. Reaching out, he pressed it into Remus’ hand.

‘Read it,' he asked a startled Remus. 'Please?’

The werewolf took it, surprised by the tremors that shook the other boy's hand. He hesitated then unfolded the paper. There was considerably less ink on this page than on the letter from Sirius’ parents and the words were written carefully, precisely.

Mother, Father, Regulus,

In response to your ultimatum, I encourage you to do what you must in regards to my position in the family and my inheritance. I am writing to tell you that I no longer seek your approval or good opinion, nor do I need or desire your financial support.

I have found unconditional love and support with my true family who accept me without question.

I love Remus Lupin - not in spite of what he is, but because of it. He is the most beautiful person I have ever known - in body and soul - and loving him makes me a better person. I would not give him up for all the Galleons in the world. Loving him is not a choice or a phase - this is who I am and I cannot change that for anyone. Nor do I want to.

I hope that one day you should know such contentment and happiness.

Sirius.

Remus was shaking by the time he finished reading and hot tears filled his eyes and blurred his vision. He felt Sirius shift closer to him on the bed, but he didn’t want to look at him, didn’t want to hope…

‘It was never going to be them, Remus,' Sirius said softly, reaching out for the other boy's hand. 'I finally realised last night that it was always going to be you. I’m sorry I left today - I didn’t mean to be gone such a long time, but this...' He flicked his letter. '...is my last contact with them.'

Remus had sucked his bottom lip into his mouth again and Sirius could see unguarded emotions flickering across his face. His hopes were bolstered and he continued.

'I needed to make sure they knew I wasn’t being rebellious or petulant,' he told Remus. 'I wanted them to read this and know that this something I have thought about and that I won’t be taking back. It took me a long time and a lot of drafts to not make it angry or resentful or sulky. It was cathartic, I think…to get it all out and when I saw it on paper…’ ’

He gave a snort of disgust and Remus looked up at him.

‘It sounded so pathetic,' Sirius said with a snort. 'These people…strangers, really…were dictating the rest of my life to me, telling me to be something I’m not. And I was willing to do it for approval that was never going to come, for a name. I was considering turning my back on someone who gave me everything I ever wanted from them because of some stupid notion of blood loyalty.’

He squeezed Remus' hand. 'Not anymore though.'

Remus felt his hopes rising and his cautious brain tried to play devil’s advocate for his heart. ‘How…how can you have just changed your mind overnight?’ he asked, his voice a little rough.

‘It wasn’t overnight,' Sirius said. 'Like I told you earlier, this has been coming for a while, but I was stubbornly hanging onto an obsolete idea…' He smiled. 'You know me, Moony. I have trouble accepting that I might possibly, occasionally be wrong.'

There was a definite upturn in Remus' mouth this time and Sirius felt a shot of happiness at the sight.

‘And you’re okay with that?' Remus asked, frowning at Sirius. 'You’re really okay with them disinheriting you?’

Sirius shrugged. ‘They gave me the choice, but there never really was one,' he said, his thumb stroking over the back of Remus' hand, feeling the fragile bones under the delicate skin and wondering how someone who seemed so breakable was so strong. 'They don’t want me - they want an obedient little doppelganger who’ll marry well and pop out the requisite two-point-five kids. They don’t know anything about me, but you do. You…you know me - everything about me - and you love me anyway.’

He looked uncertain and frowned worriedly when Remus didn‘t respond. ‘You…do, don’t you? L…love me?’

Remus looked over at him and smiled a little reluctantly. ‘Yeah,' he whispered. 'Yeah, I do.’

‘You do what?’ Sirius said, and Remus flushed.

‘Sirius…’

The brunette squeezed his hand, his grey orbs revealing a longing that just about took Remus’ breath away. ‘No one’s ever said it to me before, Moony,' he murmured. 'Please? I…I need to hear you say it.’

Remus, unable to speak for a moment, looked down at Sirius' note to try and compose himself, eyes finding the phrase that stood out amongst everything else.

Sirius followed his gaze and smiled. ‘It’s true what I wrote,' he said, voice cracking a little. 'I love you.’

Remus’ head shot up and he saw Sirius grin at his surprised expression. ‘Your turn, Moony.’

Remus felt a smile tug at his lips as he finally found his voice. ‘I love you, Sirius.’

Sirius let out a breath he hadn't realised he’d been holding and leaned in, kissing Remus firmly on the lips. He clutched at the werewolf’s face as if afraid he’d disappear and Remus felt his battered heart begin to heal.

Sirius loved him.

Sirius pulled back and looked into Remus’ eyes, still cupping his face.‘Forgive me for being an arse today?’ he asked and Remus sighed.

He looked down at the letter in his hand. Would Sirius really send this to his parents? Was this issue really resolved or would Sirius have second thoughts and smash Remus' heart beyond repair next time?

Sirius, having seemingly developed an inner eye in the last few hours, took the note from him and rolled it up tight, sealing it with his wand. He stood up and walked over to the window where Remus now noticed the regal-looking Black family owl waiting.

‘He must have been told not to go back until he had an answer,' Sirius told him, glaring at the owl who glared right back. 'Bloody thing’s been following me around all day.’

He tied the scroll to the bird’s leg with steady hands then shooed it out the window.

Remus walked across the floor to stand beside him and they watched as the owl got smaller and smaller. Sirius’ breath wafted, warm and gentle, over the back of Remus’ neck as he spoke softly.

‘Are you worried?' he asked, his smooth, deep voice sending a shiver down Remus' spine. 'That everyone will find out about your furry little problem? Regulus might tell everyone, or my parents might make trouble…’

Remus shook his head, surprised that he really wasn’t worried at all. ‘There’s only a few weeks left of school,' he said quietly. 'I have to register at the Werewolf Registry after graduation and then the information will be accessible to the public anyway. I would have liked it to stay secret a bit longer but…well, I can handle anything for a few weeks and I don't think Dumbledore would allow it to get too bad.’

He shrugged and Sirius slid his hand into his. ‘No one is going to hurt you, Moony,' he promised fiercely. 'I won’t let them.’

The corner of Remus’ mouth turned up and as he watched the bird become a speck against the slightly overcast sky, the weight that had been sitting on his chest seemed to lift and he suddenly felt lighter than air.

Sirius put his chin on Remus’ shoulder, kissing his neck then nuzzling him. ‘Am I forgiven now?’

Remus turned his head and reluctantly smiled when he saw Sirius making his infamous ‘puppy dog eyes’ at him. ‘I’m a poof, not a girl,' he objected, trying not to let those eyes reduce him to a puddle. 'Those big eyes and fluttering eyelashes don’t work on me.’

‘What does?’ Sirius asked, smirking and Remus’ smile broadened as he twisted around to face Sirius.

Raising an eyebrow, he smiled in what he hoped was an irresistible manner. ‘You keep telling me what a genius you are, Sirius,' he teased, tongue slipping out to wet his lips. 'I’m sure you’ll be able to figure it out.’

Sirius let out a suddering breath and grabbed a handful of Remus’ shirt, pulling the werewolf against him and claiming his lips roughly. Remus’ hands came up, tangling in the ebony locks as they kissed - hard and fast and fucking perfect.

Tongues battled and Remus felt Sirius’ hand clutch at his backside, squeezing a buttock tight and crashing their lower bodies together. The Animagus’ other hand released Remus’ shirt and snaked around his neck, gripping the back of his head. They staggered back, locked in their fierce embrace until Remus’ legs hit the edge of the mattress and they both collapsed onto Sirius’ bed.

Remus quickly flipped them, the wolf not content to allow Sirius to take control today, and he shoved the other boy’s shirt up and off. He moaned at the feel of the warm, ivory skin under his palms then ducked his head to taste the brown nipples, biting not-so-gently on the hard nubs and making Sirius arch up. Remus felt the brunette’s hands tugging at his shirt and raised his arms, letting Sirius pull the garment off. His own hands fumbled with Sirius’ pants as a desperate craving to feel and taste his lover consumed him.

‘H...hang on,' Sirius stammered, fumbling for his wand. 'C…curtains.’

Remus barely heard, barely noticed as Sirius raise his wand, and certainly didn’t pay any attention to the curtains flying around the bed; he was far too occupied in getting the other boy’s pants off. There was a clatter as the wand hit the wooden floor then Sirius was yanking at Remus’ belt urgently. Pants and underwear were unceremoniously dumped off the side of the bed and both boys groaned in symphony as their naked bodies dragged over each other.

Remus ducked down and took Sirius’ already leaking member into his mouth. He swiped his tongue across the tip, tasting the pre-ejaculate there and moaning as the bittersweet tang coated his taste buds. Sirius whimpered, his body arching off the bed in a silent entreaty for Remus to give him more. The werewolf took the hint and drew the long cock into his mouth, taking it as far as he could and sucking as he withdrew again.

Hands scrabbled at his shoulders as Sirius whispered frantically, 'Close...fuck...' Remus released him with a pop, rising fast to kiss Sirius once again, rolling his hips hard against the other boy's pulsing erection.

The brunette’s fingers dug into his arse painfully, one leg hooking over Remus‘ as he held the scarred body close to his and rocked, the friction quickly bringing them to the point of no return. They snogged - desperately, fervently - breathing loud and harsh in the quiet of the dorm room, and their voices were hardly more than disjointed whispers as they begged each other for release.

‘S…Sirius…fuck…I…Sirius.’

‘Gods, t…touch…me, Remus. P…please.’

The werewolf shoved his hand between them and grasped both their cocks, holding them together and stroking them as one. With hips gyrating and hand pumping, they came noisily and messily, groaning each other’s names.

TBC...