Only through the pain

Disclaimer: **to the oscar meyer wiener song** oh i wish i were a mulitmillion dollar author **sigh** Well, I'm not, and I don't own this!

Warning:ANGST!!!!!!! Lovely, lovely, gloomy angst.

A/N: Ok....first.....**turns to Elphaba** Ten reviews?! Jeebus! Lol, but I am glad, and that's the sort of reviewing I like to see, so THANK YOU!!! You very nearly put me over the 100 review mark! Second, hooray for nyquil yeah? 24-hour flu bug goes poof when you chug that stuff every couple hours....though it made for a rather interesting chapter XD. I hadn't even really realized what I was writing yesterday until I went to re-read it today to make sure I kept to my story-line (because yes, I do actually have a story line, believe it or not). Sorry for the utter insanity, but I'm glad I could at least entertain you guys for a few minutes ^^.Third, everyone keeps asking me when Draco's going to tell Harry. Didn't I warn you guys that this is an angsty type story? **points to all the warnings posted above chapters** sure, I've promised you all a happy ending, but angst comes first. And that's all I'm going to say about that. Fourth, Today's chapter is called Only one in color, from our favorite band, TRAPT!

Chapter 19- Only one in color (Harry)


I think it's safe to say that I was in a genuinely good mood, even once classes started the next day. For some reason, after that first night (and day) of being with Draco, it got a little harder for me to hold myself together when he reached out for me, but only a little. All the same, I was suddenly thankful for his slow, hesitant approach to....whatever it was we were. Boyfriends? Ick. That sounded like a gay version of sex in the city. Lovers? Well...that was a bit better I guess, except it didn't really imply the togetherness that we shared beyond sex, and as I said, I was a little more unwilling to do THAT then I had been...I suspect Ginny had a hand in all of that too....so if not 'lovers' or 'boyfriends' then what? Despite all of that though, I was happy. Really, genuinely happy. In fact, I hadn't even cut since that first night back at school, and I still wasn't having nightmares, even on the nights Draco and I didn't sneak down to the bedroom behind the chamber, which wasn't often. We didn't do much besides talk and hold each other and sleep those nights, but it was nice.

Draco HAD accidentally discovered my old scars from the cutting I used to do, but he hadn't gotten mad as Ginny would have, or preachy like Hermione. He hadn't even really seemed surprised, just sad and a little guilty, as if it had been his fault for not being there for me earlier. He'd held my arms and gently traced his fingers down each, counting the scars, memorizing the number, then told me he was glad that there weren't any new ones and that he hoped I never felt like cutting was my only option ever again. He promised to be there for me whenever I needed him, and for the first time in my life, I believed it.

Of course, we had both decided that parading our relationship in front of Dumblefuck and Snape wasn't a good idea, but pretty much the entire student body (excluding the Slytherins that were on old Moldy's side and Ron at Hermione's insistance) knew because word spread rather quickly after the party. Again, I suspect Ginny. One day, someone very strong was going to have to leash that girl. Hermione seemed more willing to accept our relationship then anyone thought she would be, Ginny seemed to think that Hermione even expected us to get together some day. She asked that we not tell Ron because Dumbledore had gotten to him. She said that the old meddling coot had asked them both to tell him if Draco and I seemed to be anything less then enemies, and, by playing on Ron's fear that he would be replaced as my friend, managed to convince him to do it. Hermione refused. So, as a smoke screen of sorts, Draco and I pretended to fight whenever we came in sight of each other around Ron. The rest of the time we were friendly, but not overly so, because who knew which teachers were also reporting to that old bastard?

I'd promised Ginny not to pry until after Halloween, which was coming up quickly, but each day I got more suspicious of him. He was taking to stopping me in the halls and asking me how I was feeling, if I'd had any more episodes and simply hadn't told him, if I was getting over my hatred of the Dursleys. It even seemed like he was TRYING to force an attack on me occasionally, but I had found a new coping skill to block the bad memories. I would think about Draco.

I started loving the classes we shared with Slytherins, even though Draco and I couldn't always sit together because of Ron, because every now and then he'd look over at me, and if Ron wasn't watching, he'd smile. Sometimes, he'd charm a note like he had years ago, to fly over. To me, it always said something meaningful, like lyrics from a song I loved, or a joke from one of the last circle meetings, but to everyone else it looked like an insulting, badly drawn, crude sketch. I always sent them back with my own note and drawing.

Today, in our last class of the day, Charms, I sent the first note. I'd been watching him all day and had finally realized how he made me feel, how I had felt before seeing the true side of him. It was like static being cleared away to make the picture come in clear.

I've been searchin all my life,
I used to be so color blind,
you opened up my eyes.
Do you want to share your dreams,
see a different side of me?
your everything I need.

I like it when you think out loud
the things you say when you know
there is no one else around
I can dig my own graves now
but will you smile every time
I try to crawl my way out?

There is no one like you
and in a world of black and white
you are the only one in color
There is no one like you
into mystery I slide
I want you to keep it all uncovered
you are the only one in color.

I smiled as I charmed it into a ferret (for Ron's sake) and sent the note scurrying over to his table. I knew he would understand what I meant with those lyrics, Trapt had almost become our own personal way of communicating to each other what we felt without actually saying it. I still had a problem saying things out loud to him, and he felt much more like a proper 'Slytherin Sex God' by saying things through lyrics that he couldn't artufully arrange into words.

He scowled in our direction when the ferret started bouncing on his desk (Ron smirked triumphantly) then smirked the patented Slytherin smirk at me while he wrote out a reply. He sent the note flying as a lightning bolt but it was intercepted by Flitwick.

"Mister Malfoy?" Flitwick twitched, holding the note, "Would you like to explain why you have drawn a sketch of Mister Potter being chased by....strange creatures?" The small man frowned, "What are they exactly?"

"Blast-ended skrewts, sir." Draco said then smirked at me, "And I only sent him a note because he sent one first. Check the other side, if you would Professor. I'm not the only student at fault here."

Flitwick frowned and flipped the paper over to see my drawing of Draco being beaten over the head with a hairbrush, homage to the fact that his hair was still slightly mussed from our little trip to the chamber during the free period before this class. "Mister Potter? Did you draw this?"

"Yes, sir." I said, glancing at Draco. Where was he going with this?

"Very well then, BOTH of you will have detention, writing lines, which is what you SHOULD be doing right now. See me after class." Flitwick said, charming the note into the trash can. I frowned at Draco who rolled his eyes and mouthed, 'Trust me'.

After class, I waved goodbye to Hermione and Ron. Hermione smirked, probably in on whatever was going on, and Ron looked sympathetic. Draco remained lounging in his chair, legs propped up on the desk. "Mister Potter? If you would join mister Malfoy?" Flitwick asked, gesturing to an empty chair next to him. I scowled, for the teacher's benefit and angled my chair away from Draco slightly. "Now then, maybe another detention together is all it will take to make you two start behaving yourselves around the other. You are almost of age, gentlemen, you're too old to be acting like children. Honestly, can't you two get along? I've seen you be friendly before and I think it's a wonderful development." Ah...so Flitwick wasn't in the Dumbledore camp then...how had Draco known? "I don't think lines is going to help either of you in the slightest if you can both perform note charms like that. What you really need to work on is your relationship with the other. How you really feel about each other. I'm sure if you two could just reach out and touch the other's emotions, that you would be the best of friends." He said, nodding sagely. I tried not to laugh, there was no way he could know what he was saying. None of the teachers knew, except Sprout...but that was because of greenhouse 9.....

"You're absolutely right, Professor." Draco agreed, with a straight face, "We should reach out and touch each other." I almost snorted but managed to turn it into a sneeze.

"That's the right attitude Mister Malfoy!" Flitwick said delightedly. "Now, I'll be back in an hour or so to see how you two are getting along. I don't care if you stay here all night, but you will not be leaving until you know each other inside and out." He nodded once more then bounced out of the room, obviously pleased with himself.

"Well then Potter," Draco smiled, "You heard the Professor, we have all night to get to know each other 'inside and out'."

"You're evil, Draco," I said, finally laughing. "Truly evil. Too bad Halloween is tomorrow not today or Ginny would have won the pot."

Draco frowned a little and looked like he was talking to himself again for a minute. He was better at keeping it in now. "Yeah Harry....about Halloween...."


A/N: Cliffy! again....Sorry! Well, no, not really, I'm just still a little fuzzy from the nyquil-a-thon yesterday and shouldn't be writing massive plot points at the moment. See you all tomorrow!