Forgiveness

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This Chapter was beta'ed by Drusilla of Perfect Imagination.

Chapter 22

Tuesday found Severus almost ill with nervous energy. He was sure the arrival of the Zabinis spelled disaster for his idyll with Antonia and the children. His true face of cruelty and duty would inevitably emerge as the former Slytherins related details about his tenure as Headmaster to all involved. The only bright spot to the whole disaster was that at least it was not Potter come to haunt him with Lily's accusing eyes, his father's smirking face and his own version of Dumbledore's murder.

Severus hid from Antonia most of the day, pretending he was involved in a project when he actually skulked in his lab wishing for the eventful arrival to be put off indefinitely. Brick asked for Joseph Pony's aid in refurbishing the cottage at the edge of the stunted woods that flanked the property. Several times, Severus noted the women of the compound entering the decrepit structure and exiting with excited nods of approval. Even Mari had joined in the spirit of the refurbishment. Severus alone remained unmoved and immovable in his lab fortress.

He was terrified of losing everything and he hated that feeling. In his life, he had lost so many people important to him; he did not think he could bear to lose another person to the truth about Severus Snape.

At teatime, Antonia entered the lab which was stuffy from the day's activities. Severus glared at her as she flicked the windows open with an unvoiced spell. Immediate relief from the bitter fumes of the Solanaceae under the hood came as a brisk breeze riffled the pages of an open potions text. She returned his scowl with a lifted brow and arms crossed on her chest. "So, d'you have something you want to tell me?"

"Yes, madam, I release you from your contract." He hid behind the curtain of his hair, not anxious to see the relief that would most certainly cross her mobile features. "You no longer have to suffer my company."

Her unexpected laugh brought his gaze sharply to her face. "You are a hoot, you know it, Severus? I take it you know the couple coming tomorrow."

"Yes," Severus replied reluctantly. "I taught them."

Antonia crossed to the workbench, careful not to touch him, but warming Severus with her proximity. "What, did you kick their dog, or try to kill them?"

"I... was not the most pleasant person when I was acquainted with them,” Severus finally responded. "You would not have liked the man that I was."

Antonia gripped her chest in mock horror. "You? No. You're an absolute sweetheart. I don't believe it."

After several moments of Severus' cool regard, Antonia said, "Severus, you know my dad was in the military. You know he fought in the Vietnam War, right?"

Severus nodded curtly as Antonia continued. "What you don't know is that he was an absolute horror when he would come back on leave during the war. He was cold, manipulative, volatile and completely controlling. Momma said she didn't know if they would make it through that time.

“When he came back the final time, his problems really began. He drank too much, wouldn't let Momma get too close to him and had constant flashbacks. Sound familiar?"

Severus made no reply and so Antonia spoke on. "I don't remember much about his early days back, I was too young, but eventually he got better. I asked him a few years ago what it was like doing the things he did. They were brutal acts committed so that many more lives might be saved with the intelligence he gathered. He got this thousand-yard look in his eyes and said one word. 'Hard.' That's all he said.

“I knew he didn't like the man that the war made him, but I wouldn't have him any other way. I love him for all of his past and his future." Antonia ran her index finger over the cool skin of Severus’ left wrist. "Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"

Severus inclined his head, a small smirk coming to his mouth. "You love your father?"

"Idiot." Antonia shoved him with her shoulder. "I accept you for who you are, warts and all."

She kissed him on the temple. "Now, we need your help on the cottage, since you know these people."

&*&*&

Severus watched as the younger man helped his wife across the muddy ruts that the pick-up had made in the sparsely-frosted drive of the compound. The girl had not changed that much from the last time the Potions Master had seen her almost six years before. She was still the same blandly-pretty girl with the same black hair and snowy skin of all the Parkinsons. Even her expression, on first glance, could be mistaken for the haughty sneer of her youth. Only when one really looked into the girl's blue eyes could one see the hauteur for what it was: a mad kind of fear, held at bay by strict force of will. The girl's eyes swept the compound and Severus shrank back from her gaze. It would do no one any good for him to show before he had had a chance to speak with the girl's husband.

Zabini had not changed much either from the last time the Potions Master had seen him. Perhaps the boy was broader in the chest, and, of course, the Glamoured Right hand was gone, but Zabini's gaze was as steady as it had ever been. The boy had masterful control, hard won from Severus' Occlumency lessons and the events that shaped his life.

He wondered what the boy would say to his former Head of House when he finally saw him. Severus could not imagine anything good coming from the boy whose life he so nearly destroyed during the war. If it had not been for Severus' interference, Zabini would have never been in the position to interfere in the Parkinson girl's life. Severus closed his eyes against the pain he felt every time he thought of that period of his life. Damning Albus, the Dark Lord and himself, he retreated to his lab seeking oblivion until Antonia summoned him for the inevitable collision of his past and his present.

&*&*&

From the diary of Blaise Zabini: Third Year

This is my first entry in this damned journal and I'm writing because I have to. Since they are going to be reading this, I'm just going to be honest. I hate Professor Lupin and Professor Snape. If I knew I wouldn't go to Azkaban, I'd kill them both. Then I would kill HIM. The latest man my mother married. The one that got me in this situation to begin with.

It all started with that damned Lupin's Boggart lesson. If he hadn't had us do it, he never would have seen what my greatest fear was and I never would have had to let on what my mother's husband made me do this summer holiday. Fuck.

I'm not a homosexual. I never was attracted to boys. If truth be told, I've tried to keep myself from touching everyone, especially since this year began. I feel dirty and don't want anyone to know it. Pansy knows, I think. She's let me know at the beginning of the term that her home life isn't normal. Not in so many words, but with the way she avoids everyone and masks it with disdain and the way she's helped me by letting me be as shitty to her as I can be and not retaliating with the worst Curses she knows. She gives the shittiness right back, so I guess we're helping each other. Maybe I can convince Snape and Lupin I can talk to her...

No, that would mean they would find out about her, and I couldn't do that. I may treat her like shite, but it doesn't mean I hate her. I still don't know who makes her give it up, but I suspect it's her father. Her uncle seems a good sort, but you can never tell. Look at my mother's husband. Everyone likes him, the sneaky bastard.

Okay, so Lupin and his arsed-up lesson. He let the Boggart go and was standing to the side. Everyone sniggered as that man my mother married came out of the wardrobe and said, "Blaise, come here, I nee-eed you..."

I knew that only Lupin could see that the Boggart had a hard-on. Thank the gods and all the family spirits for that. Lupin stepped forward, got rid of it and then set us to another task. The fucking bastard then came up and told me to see him after class. Pansy knew. She gave Lupin a rude gesture when the Prof turned from me, then made that infuriating smirk at me. I wanted to fucking blast her and snog her at the same time. She makes me mad like that.

Anyway, when I saw Lupin after class, he just gave me that bland look and called Snape through the Floo.

Snape came in with his usual sneer. "What is the matter, Lupin; can't you control a single third-year?"

"I believe you need to see something, Severus," Lupin answered evenly. "Mr. Zabini, please release the Boggart."

"Are these Gryffindor theatrics quite necessary Lupin?" my Head of House said this as I answered.

"No fucking way, sir." I knew that my face was red, it was so hot. There was no way I was going to show Snape my weakness. He's Slytherin through and through. He would find some way to blackmail my mother with this.

Snape folded his arms across his chest, his eyebrow up like he always did when he was irritated. "Language, Mr. Zabini. You will apologise or accept detention with Filch for a month."

Lupin said weakly, "Severus, you're being unnecessarily harsh with the boy, given the situation."

"I am his Head of House, Lupin. Unlike some, I take my duties seriously." Snape sneered then turned his scowl to me as Lupin winced. Pathetic, that one, if Snape's comment could make him upset. It was no worse than he gave any of us when we overstepped. "Mr. Zabini, we are waiting."

"I am sorry, Professor Lupin," I said. "But I won't open the door."

It was bad enough that the Gryffindor had seen what I was to my mother's husband. I wouldn't let Snape see me as a whore.

Snape flicked his wand and the door swung open. At first the Boggart was a red-headed woman, vaguely pretty. Snape paled but directed a Riddukulus at it. It turned to the moon, don't know why it would do that, and Lupin said the same spell then it turned to HIM.

I froze and the Boggart came to me, its hands stroking its crotch as it crooned what it wanted to do to me. I shrank away waiting for the invasion that would occur... had occurred all summer long. I heard a sob and thought it was from me, but when I looked around, Snape had his eyes covered and Lupin was expelling the Boggart. When Snape finally looked up, his eyes were moist, and his face was grim. "Mr. Zabini, you will go to the hospital wing and await me there. If you do not, I will hunt you down and carry you like a child, is that understood?"

So, after I left, I guess the two professors talked to each other and came up with this way to torture me. Snape's warded the diary so only he and Lupin can read it and I can't destroy it. They say it's for therapy and for the trial, so I won't have to speak.

I could tell them that this matter won't ever get to trial once Mother finds out, but it won't do any good. Her husband is as good as dead once they tell her, if he doesn't kill her first like he promised if I told. I just wish it could be me that kills him. I wouldn't resort to potions or poisons. I'd do it with my hands if I were strong enough. I fucking hate everyone so much...
&*&*&

Zabini stood in the threshold of the Potions lab, swaying as if he had been hit by a curse. Severus straightened his shoulders, willing Antonia to leave before the accusations began flying from the young man's mouth. After a time of tense silence, Zabini moved toward Severus. "Professor..."

The younger man's cool façade crumbled as he touched Severus' face. Tears streamed down his cheeks as Severus let the boy draw him into a rough embrace while saying nonsense about Severus' state of being. "You're alive... I knew it. Gods, why didn't you tell us? Pansy's been sick with worry over you, and I kept telling her... But you're not... Dammit, sir... We've both missed you so much... You'll never know..."

Severus stood stiffly while the boy checked his person over, running hands over Severus' face, nose and neck. "Potter said... you were bitten by Nagini, sir. How did..."

The boy began weeping in earnest, and Severus waved Antonia away. Mr. Zabini would not appreciate an audience for his uncharacteristic breakdown, and as the Potions Master, himself, was near tears, he wanted his betrothed away from the scene of their mutual weakness.

Antonia withdrew from their sight, but Severus was sure she was not far. After what seemed like hours, Zabini broke away, more in control of his emotions. The younger man straightened his robes before wiping the telltale moisture from his cheeks. He smiled broadly. "I am sorry, sir, but Pansy will be so happy... She'll say she told me so... She always maintained you were alive."

Severus remained silent, but with a quirk of his brow, caused Zabini to break into nervous laughter. "I have missed that eyebrow, sir."

"Mr. Zabini, you are no longer a student. You may desist in addressing me as 'sir.' And as I am no longer in the teaching profession, do not refer to me as your professor or headmaster." Severus noted Zabini's crestfallen look. "You may call me Snape or Severus."

"Yes, sir... Erm... Severus." The boy's golden-brown eyes flicked to Severus' then returned to the floor. "May I ask you some questions?"

"You may." Severus said in a repressive tone that he might not answer. "Please, I have to secure my work, have a seat and I'll summon tea for us, if that is acceptable?"

"Yes, sir." Zabini paused. "You'll have to give me a few days to get used to calling you by your given name, sir."

The younger man settled on a stool by the granite work surface as Severus Fire-called for tea and biscuits. As he put away the last of the day's labours, Mari came into the room. "Severus has a guest, I see. It's good of you to treat him well."

"Mr. Zabini, this is Mari. She is not a house-elf, she is a burdensome creature called a Brownie, and it would be in your best interest to stay on her good side." Severus took the tray from the creature. "If you don't treat her kind with respect, she will extort gifts from you."

Mari tittered. "Heed him well, English wizard. Severus would owe many gifts to Mari if it weren't for his children."

"Children?" Blaise repeated faintly. "Si-- Severus, you have children now?"

The Potions Master glared irritably at the Brownie. "Mari, haven't you duties to perform elsewhere? Now?"

The Brownie winked slyly at Zabini. "The Potion Master's bark is worse than his bite."

"Mari." Severus warned and the Brownie blinked out of existence. "Ask your questions, Mr. Zabini. I assure you, I am aware that I owe you some answers."

&*&*&

From the diary of Blaise Zabini: Sixth Year

I finally got what I wanted from Pansy today. She gave me a name. It was her father, all these years, who has been molesting her. He hasn't done full penetration like happened to me, but she's been damaged. She told me all that after another run-in with the Weasel and Granger. She hates them and I can see why.

Granger accused her of being a whore in that snotty-voiced, middle-class way of hers. Pansy Hexed her, a good one that left the Gryffindor gasping for breath as the Weasel tried to release it. Weasel turned on Pansy and was going to strike her when Professor Snape stopped both of them from doing more harm to Pansy. He sent a Patronus for me, and I made my way out of tutoring as fast as possible, without causing the student I was with alarm. Pansy was waiting for me in Professor Snape's office, being dressed down by him, no doubt. He does know what I suspect about her, but he tells me we can't have anarchy in the school especially between Gryffindors and Slytherins. Then he always says what the stupid Sorting Hat said at the beginning of term. House unity and all that shite.

Anyway, I collected Pansy from his office and took her to the Astronomy Tower with a pass from Snape. He told me softly, "Take as long as you need, Mr. Zabini."

So, Pansy, who everyone assumes has been shagging Draco, ended up on the Astronomy Tower in my arms, sobbing her eyes out as she told me just how many years she had been molested by her father and in what ways. It was draining for both of us, and after she had said her piece, I kissed her. I have always wanted to, but the lies that we told always seemed to stand between us.

Her kiss was sweet, but tinged with salt from both our tears. It was then that I promised myself that Pansy would never have to worry about him again. I would make sure when we turned seventeen, that she would be mine. I just hoped she would agree.

After we kissed and petted for a little while, she said something I wasn't prepared for. "Blaise, Snape really is on their side, isn't he?"

I couldn't let her know for all our sakes, that he was indeed, a spy. I had known since he had made me one, too. Pansy pouted for a moment when I didn't answer, but said, "It's all right, really, as long as he doesn't try to get any of us to join him. Father would kill me if I didn't... Never mind."

"Do you want to join Him?" I asked, not really wanting to hear what she said.

Pansy snorted. "Do you think I have a choice?"

After a few moments she said, "I fancy him, you know."

"Snape?" I choked out. I had heard several girls talking of him in the common room, but I never thought Pansy would be one. "He's so... plain."

"Yes, but there's just something about him..." Pansy laughed. "If I thought he wouldn't kill me, I'd try to be with him. He could protect me."

"So can I, Pansy," I said against her hair. "I will, if you let me."

We kissed some more and then when the sun finally set, I took her back to the common room. It was the first time I really felt that the war was real.

&*&*&

"Sir, why did you not come back for the trial?" Zabini said as he snagged a biscuit and dunked it in his tea. It was a disgusting habit his mother had never been able to break. Severus had heard of it in great detail at one of Narcissa's interminable dinner parties. Zabini smiled sheepishly as Severus scowled at him. "I know, but Pansy likes it when I do it. She says it makes me appear boyish."

"No doubt she loves six year olds," Severus answered. "I did not return for many reasons. At first I thought the hearing might be a ploy, and then I had... other obligations that kept me."

"A family?" Zabini dunked again, spilling crumbs as he did. "You found a wife that was good enough for you?"

Severus blanched. "I found the family first. I am the guardian of a young girl and her cousin."

Zabini's brows shot up. "You have found a woman, sir?"

"That, Mr. Zabini is beyond the scope of our conversation," Severus answered levelly, as he attempted to keep the heat creeping up his neck off his face.

"It's Doctor Dance, isn't it?" Zabini's delighted laugh brought Severus to his feet. "We never thought any woman would be good enough for you, sir. She's lovely."

"Thank you," Severus answered through stiff lips. "I would appreciate if you would be circumspect about my actions during the war. The children know nothing of what I was."

"They should." Zabini dunked again, this time dripping tea on his lap as he brought the biscuit to his lips. "You never received the respect you should have, sir, and I, for one, honour what you sacrificed for us."

Severus could formulate no answer as Zabini leaned in and touched the older wizard's hand. "Whatever you wish, sir. I owe you my silence and my life, if not more."



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