Yuleride

Chapter 23 ~ Arrangements and Something More

Hermione knocked on Snape’s office door at precisely seven-thirty. She heard movement inside, then the door cracked slightly, Snape’s nose once again making an appearance, followed by his pale face as he opened the door a bit wider. His black eyes shifted about warily before resting on her. Hermione frowned up at him.

”Why are you looking around like that?” she asked as the wizard widened the door.

”I wanted to make sure you weren’t being trailed by cherubs scattering pink hearts about, courtesy of your beau,” Snape replied snidely, letting her in.

”What are you talking about?” Hermione demanded as the wizard closed the door and glided by her, returning to his seat behind his desk. He sat down and studied her as she took a seat in the rickety chair before his desk.

He ran his forefinger over his thin lips for a moment then said, “I am referring to the constant influx of flowers and candy,” the Potions master sneered. “I imagine fluttering cherubs would be the next nauseating installment of Mr. Weasley’s juvenile wooing technique.”

”Ron’s gifts are sweet!” Hermione declared.

”They’re a joke,” Snape snapped back at her. “An obvious attempt to bribe your gullible female insensibilities and you’re falling for it like a brainless little twit.”

Hermione blinked at him.

”You sound jealous,” she said.

Snape spluttered.

”Jealous? I am not—jealous! I am simply commenting on how easily you are manipulated by . . . trivialities. Not an endearing trait, I assure you,” the wizard hissed. “Jealous. You’re mad. I haven’t a jealous bone in my body.”

Hermione just stared at him quietly until the wizard shifted uncomfortably.

”Stop staring at me!” he snarled at her, slamming his fist on his desk in anger. “Now, enough of this nonsense about you and your unimaginative beau. We are going to collect Dragonsbane this weekend. What do you know about it?”

”Dragonsbane, when brewed properly, works as a dragon repellent. However, in its natural state, it attracts dragons like catnip attracts cats. Wherever there’s Dragonsbane, there’s bound to be dragons,” Hermione told him.

”Good to see you’ve retained something in your skull despite your dim-witted associations,” Snape muttered. “Well, you know the basics. We will leave Saturday night for the Winged Ridges. That is an area where both dragons and Dragonsbane abound. The herb grows in caves. The dragons gather there to sleep and be near the plants. We will access the plants while they are asleep. Do you know the Asbestos spell?”

”Yes.”

“The Firestop spell?”

”Yes”

”The Cold Dome spell?”

Of course she knew those spells, and others to protect from flame. She was a Charms mistress after all.

”Yes,” she said with a hint of exasperation. “I know all of those and then some. I’m not a student after all.”

“Good,” Snape said, dismissing her defensiveness. “I hope you are aware that although those spells will protect us from the flame, they will not hold up against a physical attack by a dragon. Very little hurts a dragon once it’s chosen its prey. The scales of a dragon repel most magic, since it is a creature born of magic.”

”So what will we do if the dragons wake up and attack?” Hermione asked him.

”Most likely die,” the Potions master replied, his dark eyes resting on her to see her reaction. At least she had the grace to look frightened.

”What, you mean you don’t have any contingency plan in case they wake up?” she asked him incredulously. “No way to escape?”

”I might have a little something to protect us,” the wizard said, “if I’m fast enough. Dragons chomp quite quickly. The best thing is to hope they don’t wake up. I’m bringing a Glow-bird with us, just in case, to draw their flame.”

A Glow-bird was a canary-like creature that gave off a very bright light when in flight. It was a night bird, and was often mistaken for a shooting star when it streaked across the night sky.

”That isn’t a very reassuring plan,” Hermione said to the wizard.

”I didn’t ask you to accompany me,” Snape snapped at her. “But do you really think I would go on a mission that I might not return from?”

Hermione frowned at him.

”Yes, I do. You did it for years when you served as a spy for the Order,” she retorted.

Snape jaw tightened.

”I’m not the same man,” he said softly, his eyes becoming unreadable as he remembered his long service and even longer penance. At times, he hoped death would take him and spare him the tortures he went through to protect Lily’s son. He did other things for Albus Dumbledore, but it all came back to protecting Harry, who was meant to be sacrificed anyway. Dumbledore had used them both, reinforcing Snape’s belief that trust in anyone was overrated and costly.

Suddenly his dark eyes snapped up at her.

”You don’t have to go with me. I won’t say a word to Minerva,” the wizard said coldly. “Only you and I will know you weren’t up to the task.”

There was something condescending in the way Snape spoke that rankled Hermione. He didn’t say anything insulting, but she could see it in his eyes. Not disappointment actually, more like—disgust. He didn’t think she wasn’t “up to the task.” He thought she was a coward. And he was giving her a coward’s way out.

Severus Snape wasn’t the only person in the world who hated to be called a coward, verbally or not.

”I’ve been assigned to help you, and I’ll help you. It’s for the school after all,” she replied tightly.

”Whether or not you’ll actually help me is yet to be seen,” Snape said, his eyes hard. “This is going to be very challenging, Hermione. I need to be focused. I can’t be focused if I have to worry about you turning tail at the worst possible moment. It would be better to go alone than to be accompanied by someone who’s heart isn’t in the task.”

Hermione had enough of this.

”Severus, a little more than a week ago you told me you believed I had the courage and ability to be your companion in your search for rare potions. Now, you speak to me as if I’m a liability or something. As if I don’t have what it takes.”

”Little more than a week ago, you were a witch willing to at least consider another path for your life, one more suitable for someone of your abilities and potential. Little more than a week ago, I recognized the young woman of earlier times, inquisitive, courageous, willing to be tried by the fire. Today—that young woman is all but dead. I feel as if I’m staring at a living corpse, all the life and spirit that I—admired, gone. And I have to take this shuffling caricature of the witch I knew with me into the fray, someone who has no other goal in life than to be safely wrapped in monotony, satisfied with a drone-like job, a husband and a house a stone’s throw from her in-laws. If I speak to you as if you are a liability Hermione, it’s because I believe, based on what you’ve told me concerning your hasty decision, that you are a liability and unsuited for this task. Undoubtedly, you don’t have what it takes. I make you an offer that could make your life more meaningful and you turn away from it for flowers, candy and sweet, empty words.”

Hermione stared at him for a moment, anger rising inside her.

”You have no idea what it is you’re asking of me, Severus. To you, it’s a simple matter of my leaving everything behind and following you into a life of adventure. It isn’t that simple. I have ties here, friends here. People that care about me, someone who loves me. You have none of those things, so think they’re all meaningless. But they aren’t meaningless, Severus. Anyone who had a heart would know that.”

Snape simply looked at her with a rather tired expression as she continued.

”I have no idea what kind of man you are, Severus. I know how you are in intimate situations—but no matter how—how compelling you are in that area, it’s no indication of your true character. You’re volatile, excitable and violent, Severus. I’ve seen it for myself. How do I know if once I am alone with you and have to count on you, that you won’t mistreat me? That you won’t abuse me or injure me? I know Ron, and although he aggravates me from time to time, I know he would never, ever strike me. I don’t know that about you. You—you really do frighten me. You’re a brilliant man, a talented Potions master and a hero, but you seem unstable.”

Now the Potions master’s eyes glittered at her.

Hermione’s voice became softer now as she continued.

“Perhaps you’re the way you are because of all the suffering you’ve gone through. You did the wizarding world a great service, Severus, but what was the cost of it? You are the coldest, most unfeeling man I have ever met. Yes, you have an extraordinary sense of duty but that isn’t enough when you are so volatile. There is nothing about you that makes me feel safe or protected, or makes me believe that you will actually care what happens to me once we are out in the world. How do I know I won’t be injured and you’ll just—just leave me someplace because I can no longer be of assistance to you? So you see, Severus, it’s not just a matter of me settling for the safe and familiar. It’s a matter of making the right choices based on what I know. As I said, I know next to nothing about you as a person except that you are brilliant and blow up easily at the least provocation, in private. You have a calm façade in public, but I know that’s not how you really are, and it’s frightening. I’d be a fool to leave all I know and love to travel around the world with an unstable wizard, Severus. If there is fear involved, you are the reason for it.”

Hermione had a damn good argument for refusing him. A damn good one, one he had never even considered in his selfish plans. But she didn’t have to fear him. He had to let her know that.

“I would never strike you,” Snape said in a low, haunted voice. “I would never abandon you. If you decided to accompany me, I will know you’ve made a commitment and a sacrifice to help me live my dream, Hermione. No one—no one has ever committed to me in anything. Only made promises—broken, painful promises that never materialized.”

Snape hesitated. He hadn’t meant to go here, to tell her these things, but she was right. She knew nothing about him but was on the surface, and his surface was armored. If he hoped to persuade her to change her mind, he had to give her something more than what she had. Snape pressed forward, his words rather stuttered and forced as he struggled to give something of himself, but not too much.

”I—I do have issues, but they are my own issues, Hermione, and have nothing to do with you. And yes, you have seen me—shall I say not at my best, but don’t you see, witch, I don’t put up the façade with you? I know it is as unattractive emotionally as I am physically, but it is honest. I could have easily pretended to be unaffected, cool and calm, continued to present the false front that the wizarding world at large sees. But I feel, Hermione. Most of what I feel is painful and dark. I am haunted by my past—“

Hermione listened to the wizard open up. Not that anything he was saying was reassuring, but at least she was gaining some understanding of him. And it was true, he could have hidden his true nature from her, but he didn’t.

Snape looked at her, unable to continue. This was too much for him.

”Leave me. Think of me what you will,” he said softly. “Just know I would never purposely harm you or allow you to be harmed in my presence. I would protect you. After all, I was a protector for a very long time.”

Hermione stood up, noting how tired the professor looked at this moment, as if the entire world was setting on his shoulders and he was breaking under the strain of it. Yes, he did need to get away from here. She could see it plainly.

”But why, Severus, why would you protect me?” she asked him. “You have no feelings for me. You aren’t Ron. You don’t love me.”

Snape looked at her, a pained expression on his face as he replied to her. This was too much honesty for him, but he had to finish this conversation.

”Because, Hermione Granger, if you were to come with me, it would mean—that you believe in my dream, therefore, believe in me. You would be the one person in this world in my corner. I wouldn’t let it take you from me. Now, please—just go. I will retrieve you from your quarters Saturday evening around eight o’clock. Dress warmly.”

He watched as she silently left him, then let his face fall into his palm. This meeting hadn’t gone at all like he planned. He had intended to goad the witch the entire time, make that Gryffindor pride come to the fore. He had managed to do that, but she came back at him just as hard, forcing him to answer her concerns. She had made him open up. No one had been able to do that for years.

No one.

The wizard rose, warded the office door and retired to his study.

He needed a drink. Several, in fact.

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A/N: Thanks for reading.