Up the Duff

::::::::::::


Narcissa Malfoy trailed after a furious Severus Snape trying her hardest to talk reason to the man. There was no way that Lucius could have known after all. None of them had had the slightest idea of what might happen, and blaming her late husband did no one any good.

Severus, quite frankly; didn’t want to hear it. As far as he was concerned, this was entirely Lucius Malfoy’s fault. If Lucius had just stayed dead like any proper corpse would have done, none of it would have ever happened. Lucius was the one that snooped, and ended up awash in Duff glop. Lucius was the one that brought the idea of a threesome up to both Severus and Narcissa. Hell, Lucius had probably planted the Duff in the forbidden forest for just such an occasion.

Severus knew on some level that he was being irrational, but suddenly finding out that he was fucking pregnant by a ghost had pretty much scrambled his brain free of any rational thought for the moment.

Narcissa tugged at his elbow. “Please calm down Sev.” She pleaded.

Calm? She wanted calm? He’d give her calm.

Severus very calmly shoved Narcissa through the door of the second floor girls bathroom, and did a locking spell on the door; then he turned and continued on his way down to the dungeons to give Lucius Malfoy a wake up call that the git would never forget.

Inside the lavatory Narcissa Malfoy banged at the door with her fist, and screamed at Severus to let her out. She grabbed the handle of the door and shook it with all her might, but the door wouldn’t budge. How dare he just manhandle her into a bathroom and leave her there? Narcissa fumed. She didn’t have her wand, she had left it in their rooms that morning.

“Narcissa Malfoy.” A deep male voice called from behind her. A strangely familiar deep male voice.

Holding her breath Narcissa slowly turned and found herself face to face with none other than the ghost of her husbands’ former master. Even without the scaly skin and snake like features it could be no other. “Lord Voldermort.” Narcissa nearly choked on the words.

Wide eyed she watched as the spirit in front of her winced slightly at the mention of his own moniker. “Tom Riddle if you please Lady Malfoy.” The dark head bowed to her slightly. “Lord Voldermort is dead, and I would really prefer to keep him that way.”

All Narcissa could do was gape at the ghost. Lucius had told her that Tom Riddle had come to Hogwarts with him, and that he and Lord Voldermort were completely different entities; but until now she hadn’t really believed it possible.

How could something as evil as Voldermort stay buried if even a sliver of his soul survived?

“My Lord.” Narcissa gasped and bowed.

“Tom please.” The ghost insisted. “I no longer wish to be Lord of anything Lady Malfoy.”

A short homely ghost floated into view behind Tom Riddle. “Its true.” Moaning Myrtle grinned at Tom who couldn’t help grinning back. “He’s just Tom now.”

Narcissa gaped at them both. Not only was the former Dark Lord grinning, but she could have sworn she saw him wink at the giggling girl ghost.

“By the way Lady Malfoy...” Tom turned back to Narcissa. “I have been looking for your late husband for a few days now... Would you happen to know where he might be? I need to speak with him on a matter of some urgency.”

Currently acting pleasant or not, this was still the man Narcissa Malfoy had been conditioned throughout her life to see as the most powerful dark wizard ever to live. She spilled her guts without a second thought.

Out in the corridor Harry Potter Malfoy had finally managed to catch up to his hot headed mate just outside the second floor girls bathroom.

“Draco!” He said as he skidded to a halt beside the irate blond. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m going to find Severus and hex him cross eyed for cheating on my mother.” Draco explained as if it should be obvious.

“But Draco.” Harry sighed. “Isn’t this their business? Do you really think that you should interfere?”

Draco gave him a look that clearly declared him barmy enough for a padded room and a nice tailored jacket with no sleeves. “She’s. My. Mother.” He said slowly so as not to confuse his obviously dim witted mate.

“Fine.” Harry had seen that determined look in his spouse’s eyes before. “Ill do the hexing. You just stay back and keep our babies safe.”

Draco smiled and gave his husband a sweet kiss on the lips. Severus Snape was going to rue the day that he ever cheated on his mother.

Harry suddenly cocked his head to the side. “Do you hear that?”

Draco stopped to listen and frowned. “It sounds like my mother.”

His husband nodded. “I think she’s in the girls bathroom.’ Harry pulled at the knob. “Its spelled closed.”

Draco’s eyes flashed dangerously. “Severus had to lock her in there!” He hissed. “Probably so he could run to his other lover!”

Harry nodded. “Alohamora!” He said, aiming his wand at the door.

Narcissa heard the door suddenly click open behind her, and she didn’t hesitate. She flung herself out into the corridor and took off in a sprint towards the dungeons without so much as a word to Harry and Draco, or a goodbye to Tom and Myrtle.

Her son and son-in-law watched her go with bewildered expressions on their faces.

Draco turned to Harry after a moment. “Well... don’t just stand there! Come on!” And off they went in pursuit of Narcissa once again.

Inside the lavatory Myrtle leaned her head on Tom’s shoulder and frowned. “Well... that was rude.”

Tom nodded. “At least now I know where to find Malfoy.” He smiled down at his Companion. “Would you do me the great honor of taking a trip to the dungeons with me Lady Myrtle?”

Myrtle giggled as she slipped an arm around Tom’s. “I would consider myself to be most privileged to accompany you anywhere Sir Tom.”


Severus Snape stood looming over the slumbering form of Lucius Malfoy with wand at the ready, and a curse just waiting to spill from his lips.

In his sleep Lucius sighed and cuddled his pillow. Every now and then as Severus watched, Lucius’ form would seem to flicker like a candle caught in a stiff breeze. It hardly ever happened when he was awake, but the Potions Master had noticed before that when Lucius was sleeping, he shifted between his more solid form and the former incorporeal one he began with.

Lucius rolled onto his back, and the black silk sheets slipped down until only his lower half remained covered.

Even as angry as he was, Severus had to admit that Lucius Malfoy was a truly beautiful man. His long blond hair spread across the black pillowcase in a platinum veil, and the well defined muscles of his chest and shoulders just begged to be touched and worshiped.

Yes. Lucius was beautiful. Severus had a quick flash in his minds eye of his Godson as an enfant. Malfoy also produced beautiful babies.

He shook his head violently. He couldn’t allow himself to start thinking such things, or he would never be able to give his lover the thorough hexing that the man so obviously deserved.

Hand shaking Severus still aimed his wand at the bed. “Incendio!” He hissed.

Lucius Malfoy came awake with a start and very quickly came to realize two very important things. One: He was being attacked by a giant pink bat. Two: The bat had set the bed on fire with him in it!

A naked and howling Lucius threw himself from the blazing bed, and took off in a run for the door with the enormous pink bat snarling curses behind him.

Narcissa reached the door to the dungeon rooms she shared with her lover, and her late husband and flung the door open wide. She had to stop Severus before he did something they would all live to regret!

Her blood ran cold as she heard a loud howl of fear coming from their bedroom. She would have recognized her husbands voice anywhere. Narcissa moved foreword praying that she wasn’t too late.

Before she could reach the bedroom door Draco and Harry came barreling into the room behind her. “Mother!” Draco grabbed her arm. “Where’s Severus? What in the bloody hell is going on?”

As Narcissa struggled to break free of her sons grasp, the door to the bedroom suddenly burst open; and a terrified and buck naked Lucius Malfoy came crashing out.

Draco immediately released his mothers arm at the unexpected sight of his nude fathers ghost. “Daddy?!” The blond vampire squeaked. Harry stared with his mouth hanging wide open.

“Eep!” His father squeaked upon seeing his son. Lucius was caught between a rock and a hard place. He couldn’t retreat with a killer pink bat after his blood behind him, and he obviously couldn’t just stand there and get ogled by his son and son-in-law either.

In a sudden fit of inspiration Lucius dove behind the couch.

A still furious and bright pink Severus stomped into the room. “Where is he?” He growled at the stunned assembly in his living room.

“Severus!” Narcissa begged. “Please calm down! Getting so upset cant be good for the baby!”

“Baby?” Lucius dared to peek over the top of the couch at what he now recognized as a bright pink
Severus. “You’re pregnant?”

“May your ears turn into arseholes and shit all over your shoulders for the rest of eternity!” Severus snarled as he lifted his wand again to point it at Lucius.

“Ill take that as a yes.” Lucius yelped, and ducked behind the couch again.

“Accio wand!”

The Potion’s Master whirled around to see his wand now in the hand of Harry James Potter Malfoy. How dare that worm ridden rat take his wand? Severus charged at the vampire with little thought in his mind except revenge.

“Stupify!” Harry shouted as the raving madman raced towards him.

Severus froze dead in his tracks even though his eyes were still flashing murder.

Harry glanced around the room. Narcissa was staring aghast at Severus’ frozen form. Draco looked dumbstruck as he watched his fathers head once again hesitantly appear above the couch. Lucius looked just as dazed as his son.

Obviously, he was the only one with any wits left about him to be able to handle the bizarre situation, Harry thought smugly. The Malfoy’s all looked confounded, and Snape was still too infuriated to think straight.

Yep. Good old level headed Harry to the rescue once again. What would they ever do if he wasn’t around to save them? A conceited smirk settled on his face as he contemplated how very lucky they all were to have him around.

Tom Riddle casually waltzed through the open door to Severus Snape’s chambers with a grinning Myrtle in tow. “Lucius, I need to speak with you.....”

Harry heard someone come in the door, and speak behind him. He immediately whirled around, wand at the ready and came face to face with the surprised phantom of Tom Marvolo Riddle.

“Fuck!” The specter of Tom opined loudly.

“Fuck!” Good old level headed Harry seconded just as loudly.

Myrtle calmly glanced at the chaos scattered throughout the room. It would seem that the time had come for a Potter/Malfoy family reunion.

tbc...