Light on the Dark Side of Me

Title: Light on the Dark Side of Me
Author: Cocoa-Snape
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.
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A/N: fyi, this chapter begins two chapters back, right after Snape has finished showing Harry those two horrible memories. His POV..
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Light on the Dark Side of Me
Chapter 23: To help you untangle the knot, my boy

As Severus Snape watched Harry Potter retching on the floor of his sitting room, he did not pause to wonder why he felt absolutely no sympathy for the boy – or why he even seemed to revel in this moment. Only much later would he wonder about such things. But now was not the time for reflection. Now, his next words flowed from his mouth, almost without conscious thought, “So, now you finally know the truth, Potter. It is not what you expected, is it? Now you see who Severus Snape really is.” Snape took a step forward, an involuntary smile spreading over his normally impassive face.

As the boy began faltering back towards the door, Snape met his movements, advancing on him.

“Where are you going?” he heard himself ask.

As the boy trembled visibly before him, he did not stop his assault. He could not. The thrum of his heartbeat sounded loudly in his ears and its percussive hum drove him onward as it would an orchestra. He surrendered himself to that familiar surge of adrenaline coursing through his veins – flooding his mind, drowning out rationality. The dark energy swelled in and through him like a tidal wave. He abandoned himself to it and continued to advance on the frightened boy. He heard his own voice sound in a sinister, seductive whisper.

“Tell me, do you like it? Do you like what you saw? Do you still want to come here for lessons? Do you still want to fall asleep on that couch with me watching you? Do you still want to…know me…Haaaarrryy?”

That had finally done it. Snape had felt a spike of terror surge through Harry before he had run. Once alone, he continued to stare at the doorway for a long moment, as if he were deciding whether to follow the now shattered young man. But instead, he made his way over to the hearth and sank down on the floor, his back against his armchair. He wandlessly summoned his favorite bottle of scotch and began downing it at record pace. It was only after a few glasses that he had regained his senses enough to reflect on what had just transpired.

What had he just done? Had he lost his mind? Had he lost complete control of his will? Had he surrendered himself to that dark area of his mind that reveled in another’s pain and humiliation? Had the boy’s fear excited that part of him that he thought he had buried deep inside so long ago? He trembled at the thought. He knew he had gone too far – he had scared Harry senseless – but, he consoled himself, it had accomplished his goal. Harry needed to know the kind of person he is – the wretched, depraved acts he commits.

It wasn’t important to Snape that he was disgusted by Voldemort’s fetish for his fictional pedophilia for Harry Potter. It wasn’t important that Voldemort’s touch sickened him beyond imagination and that that fateful night had tested his abilities as an Occlumens and spy beyond their limit. Because for Snape, he was that monster, that sick creature he so skillfully pretended to be. Perhaps not in the strictest sense, but that was his life – doing, saying, being all of those horrors.

And three nights ago, after having thrown countless insults and Unforgivable curses at him, Harry had kissed him – HIM! It was a surprising and terrifying thing – but not more so than Snape’s realization that at that moment in time he wanted nothing more than to fall into Harry’s arms and never let go. And so he had to make Harry understand – make him see that there could never be anything between them.

He had once thought that it would be enough for Harry that he was no longer young, beautiful, and innocent – all of the things that Harry deserved in a lover. But Harry was too much of an idealist. Snape had tried every way he knew how to make that persistently foolish boy understand. And now, showing Harry the horrible truth – his truth – had become his last option. His soul was tainted, defiled long ago by Voldemort. He was nothing now but a damaged, broken man, Voldemort’s toy. He did not deserve love or happiness.

As he sat in front of the crackling flames, Snape wondered idly how long it would take for Harry to go to Dumbledore after what he had just shown him. Snape realized, with both relief and regret, that even though Dumbledore would explain his deception regarding the first memory, Harry would also come to know with harsh certainty that the events in the second memory were indeed real. And that would be enough. No one, not even the quixotic Harry Potter, could forget those horrible images. No. Harry would never be able to forget the sight of his Potions’ professor, his former lover, coming in Voldemort’s arms – to that monster’s touch, to the perverse fantasy of raping Harry.

No, Harry would not forget. Snape knew this for certain, because he himself could never forget. Despite all the horrors in his life – and there were many – when he had the gift of Albus’s Pensieve, it had supplanted all others as the first memory he removed and the very last he returned to his tormented mind.


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Snape had been wondering when the Headmaster would finally come calling on him. Bright and early on this morning, he felt Dumbledore’s magic gently prodding at his wards – a knock, so to speak – and Snape motioned for the door to open. He was surprised it had taken this long. It had been two days and one night since Harry left – no, ran – from him. Had it really taken Harry that long to confide in Dumbledore about what happened? Or had Dumbledore figured it out on his own? Severus put down his morning cup of tea and headed for his office to meet the Headmaster.

As Dumbledore strode in, Snape prepared himself for the upcoming confrontation.

“Severus,” Dumbledore said simply, his voice sounding distant and cold. Or was that just my imagination? Snape wondered. Dumbledore moved to sit down. Snape did the same, sitting directly across from the older wizard. He waited.

Snape knew Dumbledore was here to reprimand him, to lecture him about the appalling thing he’d done, and very likely to ask him to leave Hogwarts. But Snape was ready for that – he was ready to face the consequences of his actions, however uncertain he still was about whether he deemed them regrettable. Snape had tried to steel himself for the disappointment he would undoubtedly see in the eyes of perhaps the only man whose esteem he truly valued. He was prepared to hear Dumbledore angrily relate the tale of how he had found Harry, frightened and distraught, and knew to expect the appropriately scathing criticism that would follow. He had trespassed on the man’s boundless trust and he was ready to tender his resignation. Briefly he wondered if Dumbledore would instead insist he be fired, with cause. He knew he deserved no better after all. Yes, Snape was ready. He waited for Dumbledore to speak. He waited patiently, but still apprehensively for the hailstorm, the icy look of betrayal on Dumbledore’s face as he hurled stiff rebukes and cold reproaches – a rare chance to witness the quiet fury and power only Albus Dumbledore could possess and so masterfully reign. Snape was ready for anything, except perhaps, Dumbledore’s next words, mirrored in his sad eyes.

“Severus…what have I done to you, my boy?” The words were so soft, so tender and they hurt Snape like mini-Crucios aimed at his chest. He could have sworn he saw tears in the corners of Dumbledore’s eyes. Had the world turned upside down? Or perhaps it had just stopped.

“Ww…what?” Snape barely managed to stutter through his shock.

“I suppose I had become too confident in your invulnerability, Severus. I should not have been so easily swayed by your assurances. For that, I am to blame and I am deeply sorry, my dear boy. Normally, I would have been right to believe you capable of handling the impossible, but I failed to fully recognize the profound impact Harry would have on you. And as such, you clearly were not able to handle the emotional consequences.”

Snape stared at Dumbledore for a long moment, as if Dumbledore’s words were spoken in an alien tongue and he were trying to decipher them. When he spoke, his voice contained no anger, only surprise. “Are you calling me mentally unstable?”

“Not at all. You seem of sound mind at the moment, dear boy. But clearly, two nights ago, you were not.”

Uncharacteristically, Snape said nothing, his silent admission that he did not completely disagree.

After a moment, he felt the need to explain, to tell this man who he cared for and had clearly disappointed why he had done it, but the words did not come easily, perhaps because he was as uncertain of the reason. “I…I don’t know why I…”

Dumbledore seemed to understand, “Severus…I’m not even sure you were fully aware while you were doing it.”

Snape looked up at him, unsure of what to say – just knowing that, in part, that was true.

Dumbledore sighed deeply before continuing in a heavy voice, wrought with grief and guilt, “Severus, I’m very sorry it has taken me so long to come and see you. But I’ve been spending the past two days looking after Harry. I needed him to calm down and gain some perspective on what has transpired, so that I would know with certainty what course of action to pursue in this matter, before I came to see you. You do understand, don’t you, Severus, that I had to look after Harry first?” Dumbledore’s question was posed apologetically, his tacit confession that he had failed Snape somehow – as though Snape was a victim in this. Yes, Snape thought, the world has turned upside down.

Snape’s shock was plainly visible on his face as he continued staring at Dumbledore. Finally, he managed to find his voice, “Yes, of course, Headmaster.”

“And now I am here to help you, my boy,” Dumbledore said gently.

“Help me?”

“Yes. To help you untangle the knot you have tied yourself up in, my dear Severus,” Dumbledore said with almost unbearably tender affection.

The older man’s words elicited a burning sensation in his chest and he felt an unexpected wetness in his eyes – if he were not Severus Snape he might have thought them tears. He sucked them back and searched for a denial, “I am hardly—”

Dumbledore raised his hand, interrupting Snape gently, “You are in love with him, Severus. Why else would you try to push him away so forcefully, so intent on destroying yourself in the process? The sooner you realize and accept this truth, the sooner this madness will end.”

And now, for the first time, Snape thought Dumbledore was wrong. He was keenly aware of the burdensome feelings he had developed for the young man. They were the reason for his, as Dumbledore so eloquently put it, madness.

Dumbledore spoke, apparently aware of Snape’s thoughts, “Acceptance, Severus, doesn’t mean running. It doesn’t mean deceiving Harry to make him run.”

Snape was searching for a way to respond.

Dumbledore spoke again, “He’s alright, by the way.”

“What?” Snape asked.

“You were wondering how Harry is. He is alright, at the moment. He came to me in considerable distress just hours after your encounter.” Snape’s face betrayed his surprise at this. “After I calmed him down, I explained the truth to him in the only way I knew how.” Dumbledore paused for a moment, aware he was treading on sensitive territory. “Without compromising your modesty, Severus, I showed him my memory of events after your return from that fateful Death Eater meeting.”

Snape was suddenly able to find his misplaced anger, “You what?”

“You left me little choice in the matter. I had to correct the damage you had done, Severus.”

Snape spoke with indignation, “Why stop there? Why don’t you show him everything, Albus? The boy’s already so used to viewing my personal trauma.” Snape was screaming now and wildly gesturing at his temple, “Why don’t I just extract everything for you…so you can show him. Where do you want to start? My childhood, of course! What a lovely way to begin! Then we’ll move to my years at Hogwarts. Oh, he would enjoy those memories – my suffering at the hands of the Gryffindor heroes…”

“Severus…” Dumbledore said, trying to interrupt.

Snape would not let him. He shot up from his chair and bellowed, his eyes flashing madly, “NO! Then I say we move to the meat of it, don’t you think? My years as a Death Eater. My first time with the Dark Lord?! Potter would certainly not be innocent anymore after witnessing that!” Snape was nearly hyperventilating now.

Dumbledore had obviously had enough. He spoke with a raised voice, “Severus, sit down!” Snape obeyed reluctantly. Dumbledore sighed heavily and paused for a moment before speaking, his voice low and gentle again, “I knew you were lost, my child, but not like this.”

Silence.

“You have backed me into a corner, Severus. I am reluctant to admit I have few options. I must do what I think is best. I hope you will understand.” Dumbledore said gravely.

“Of course, Headmaster,” Snape said trying to suppress his apprehension. “May I ask you the courtesy of at least accepting my resignation? I do understand, however, if you need to fire me.”

“I shall not accept your resignation, Severus. And whatever gave you the idea that I was firing you?”

Snape heard a knock at the door.

“Enter please,” Dumbledore responded.

Snape was more than a little surprised to see Harry Potter walk in. Dumbledore, on the other hand, did not seem surprised at all. “Come in, Harry. Did you bring everything you need?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Excellent. Please sit down.”

As Harry sat, Dumbledore noticed that Snape did not spare Harry a glance.

Although Dumbledore addressed the two of them, his eyes were trained on Snape as he spoke, “I love both of you as sons. I thought that you two could work out your difficulties on your own. Clearly that hasn’t happened. I am dismayed that I have to do this, but as I explained to you earlier, Severus, you have forced my hand. I am confining you both down here together for the remainder of the Holidays.”

Snape stood sharply. “I refuse! This is ludicrous,” he exclaimed.

Dumbledore stared back at him, “Did I say you had a choice in the matter, Severus? This situation is of your own doing,” Dumbledore chided gently. “And, while you are here, I expect you both to make progress towards some resolution. The last time I checked, this involved speaking. I shall not interfere—” Snape huffed loudly at this. Dumbledore resumed, unfazed, “I shall not interfere any more than I already have. You know how to reach me if you wish to speak with me. And I expect you both at the Christmas feast the day after tomorrow – your one night out of the dungeons.”

Neither Snape nor Harry said anything.

“Harry, would you mind waiting in the sitting room. I would like a moment alone with Professor Snape.”

“Of course, Professor.” Harry walked out, closing the door behind him.

Dumbledore waited for Snape to speak, and hardened himself in preparation for the harsh words Severus was sure to throw at him. Instead, he found himself somewhat taken aback at Snape’s reaction. He had expected annoyance, resentment, anger, but Snape eyes were wide with panic.

Snape spoke almost fearfully, “Albus, really! Surely you’re not going to leave me alone with him? Not after what I did?”

“Why? What are you planning on doing, Severus?” Dumbledore asked thoughtfully.

“I…I could…I could…” Snape began frantically, unable to verbalize all the horrible things he could do.

“You would not!” Dumbledore said angrily, clearly overhearing the troubled man. “And you are beginning to exhaust my inexhaustible patience, Severus.”

Snape had looked down at the floor, embarrassed by Dumbledore’s admonishment. Dumbledore forced him to meet his eyes before saying: “I trust you implicitly, Severus. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Albus.”

Dumbledore began heading for the door, but Snape arrested him with his thoughts, Albus, I am truly sorry if my ‘revelations’ to Harry did, in any way, inspire him to doubt you. That was never my intention.

Dumbledore walked over to Snape, put his hand on his shoulder and said, “I accept your apology wholeheartedly, my boy. Although it is not me to whom you should be apologizing – perhaps you should focus on expressing your regrets to Harry.” Dumbledore paused for a brief moment and made sure he caught Snape’s eye before continuing, “I realize that this is not going to be easy for you, Severus. I wish it were not so. Promise me you’ll floo if you need anything. Take care of yourself, my dear boy.”

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A/N: THANK YOU to everyone for the reviews! WOW. it's nice to know people are reading and enjoying! Special thanks to Sapphirexkat2 for the exquisitely long review. They are very satisfying! And if that was a thinly veiled pro-Dumbledore comment in your review, then I'm very happy!

Poor SNAPE is what i have to say....

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