Breeding Lilacs out of Dead Land.

I\'d like repeat my warning from chapter 4: If you find attempts to emphasize the similarity between JKR\'s Wizarding World and the twentieth century\'s thirties Nazi Germany, unnecessary or unpleasant, then please do not continue.

I also think I should warn you that this chapter\'s opening might be a little unnerving.

With that in mind, you may, or may not, continuo.

Chapter 23 - The Trial by Existence.


\"The memory of my father is wrapped up in
white paper, like sandwiches taken for a day at work.

Just as a magician takes towers and rabbits
out of his hat, he drew love from his small body,

and the rivers of his hands
overflowed with good deeds.\"

--My Father, Yehuda Amichai.


It was the longest five days of Severus Snape\'s life. What began with a golden braid, continued with a pulled out fingernail – thoroughly bitten, as was to be expected – and then Aubrey\'s left hand ring finger, its nail bitten to the flesh too. If, upon seeing the fingernail, Hermione went chalk white – running to the lavatory, where she vomited up her breakfast together with what felt like the marrow of her soul – the amputated finger had simply caused her to faint away. She seemed to be suffering from some sort of stomach-bug just lately, throwing up in the mornings. Now, with Aubrey being kidnapped, Madam Pomfrey had sharply ordered her to lie in bed, rest, and for Merlin\'s sake, start taking proper care of herself! Knowing Poppy to be practical woman, Snape was somewhat worried by all this unnecessary fuss. However, it was no normal situation for a woman to have her daughter kidnapped only for the child to be apparently slowly disassembled, in order to be sent back to her mother in pieces.

Hermione, however, didn\'t seem very keen to follow Poppy\'s orders, which was quite uncharacteristic. Thus, after he searched the blasted castle for three damn hours, Snape had been furious to see Hermione collapse into her own living room, wrapped in her travel cloak; bluish depressions circling her eyes.

Snape hurled himself towards her in order to catch her before she collapsed, then led Hermione to the velvet couch, sitting her down none too gently.

\"What the hell do you think you\'re doing?\" he growled.

Hermione shut her eyes, her head dropping backward and into the backrest. \"I\'m making arrangements,\" she told him quietly.

\"Arrangements?\"

She sighed. \"Did you ever give a moment\'s thought to what might happen if we lose?\"

\"I\'ll die\"

\"Good for you, you big oaf. What about me? Do you expect me to commit suicide once you are gone from this world? Like an Indian widow?\" Hermione shook her head, massaging her throbbing temples. \"I must admit it sounds appealing, an easy escape-\"

\"Shut the fuck up,\" his rage was acidic- digesting flesh, bones, soul, memories; all fogging away in turgid cloud of smoke, descending above the incinerators. His own private Auschwitz.

\"You shut the fuck up, you suicidal, egomaniacal, egoistic…\" Hermione took a calming breath. \"I\'m sorry, so damn sorry. I\'m swearing a lot lately, now am I?arinaring is the last refuge of the illiterate – my father always used to say that. I feel so hopeless Severus. I love you so much; I\'ve been through so much. Loosing you now would be disastrous. But I there is no such choice for me, giving up was never an option, especially not now.\"

\"I ask you once again Granger,\" he growled, \"what the hell do you think you\'re doing?\"

She sighed, and grasping his hand, spread his fingers over her belly. \"I\'m pregnant. For month and a half now. The recent months have been so full of events that I have probably missed a pill or two. I didn\'t even suspect the possibility before Monday, which was also the day I went to see Poppy – the day my other baby was kidnapped. I was going to tell you today, perhaps tomorrow. The moment I was sure I could survive if-\" her voice shut down, like a Muggle television going off, not able to transmit anything but whirling, coughing snow.

He stared at her blankly. \"Please continue.\"

Hermione blinked. \"Do you really need me to finish the sentence?\"

\"I\'m afraid I do.\"

She swallowed. \"I needed to make sure I could survive, if everything was lost, and you were dead. I needed to make sure I could survive if we win and Aubrey comes back to me but you are still dead. I will be leaving the Wizarding World in either of those events.\"

\"I don\'t want you to walk away again. You belong here, at Hogwarts.\"

\"I belong where you belong. And if you belong in the other side of the veil, I belong there with you.\"

He breathed deeply, not ready, never ready, for this kind of statement. \"You know, there is no afterlife in the Jewish religion. That is probably the reason people are being asked to atone for their sins in this world- there will be no eternal suffering waiting for them on the other side of traverave. We should ask for forgiveness today, do our good deeds today, regret our sins today. Live our life, love our loves and mourn our deaths today. Hermione-\" He looked at her, cupping her face, moistened with tears, in his hand. \"Our lives happen today. And your life will keep rolling whether I shall be there to share it with you, or not. I won\'t be waiting for you on the other side of the veil, and so I don\'t want you to be mourning over me for the rest of your life, nor do I want you to deny yourself the home and the happiness you and my daughter deserve.\"

Hermione nodded silently, moving her hands through her hair in a gesture that indicated how much she was tired. \"What-\" she moistened her lips, \"what happens if you do come back? You do realise I\'m going to have this child?\"

\"It would be hard to expect otherwise from a woman who kept the child of the man who raped her,\" Snape noted dryly. \"Never mind the man she slept with willingly.\"

\"I thought you made mercy to me,\" she commented, her tone uncharacteristically dry.

\"Well,\" Snape said, \"It was in the throws of passion. I was being romantic. Or better say, horny.\"

\"No.\" She leaned to kiss his lips. \"You were making mercy to me because I needed someone to fold me under his wing.\"

\"You needed a cock.\"

\"Sometimes it can be just the same,\" Hermione said tenderly. \"I want you to be the father of my children. Aubrey, and this child, and those who follow them.\" She cocked her head, her eyes lighted for a moment as she drank in the sight of him. \"I want to have your children. I am overjoyed to be carrying your baby. It sickens me that I can be so happy and so terrified on the same time. I can hardly hold those two contradicting emotions at once. My heart is not big enough.\"

Snape watched her with quiet resolution, wanting the visual reality of her to be burned into his eyes. \"You\'re wrong,\" he murmured, hardly aware that he allowed the words past his lips. \"Your heart is wide enough to include all the wretched, the poor, the leprous, and the Severus Snapes of the entire world. For whither thou goest, I will go; andre tre thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God. Co ya\'ah\'se li adonay ve\'co yosif, ci ha\'mavet yafrid beyni leveynech.\"

She looked at him with big, tear filled eyes. \"The Lord do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me…?\"

Snape nodded, allowing himself one more moment of wallowing in the mellow warmth she offered before moving to serious matters. \"Now please try to take care of yourself while I\'m not around to watch over you, and obey all of Poppy\'s orders. I have a war to start- it would be much easier if I didn\'t have to worry that you might be foolishly strolling down Diagon Alley making some idiotic arrangements, when the only thing you have to do is ask for the passcode into Snape\'s Muggle bank account with Barclays.\"

Hermione glared at him. \"Oh, just go and attend your stupid council. I don\'t need your damn money – I have my own, not to mention the fact that I did reasonably well before. The only things I need are you and Aubrey, safe secure, and here with me. If I have that, I promise I\'ll wish for nothing more in my entire lifetime.\"

\"And you believe God grants us such wishes?\" he asked her, his voice so bitter it seemed he had just bit from a poisoned apple.

\"No,\" Hermione admitted. \"But I pray anyway. And wish on falling stars as well. Probably because this is what I know. Maybe because I\'m afraid to miss the brief second, which occurs once in a million lifetimes, in which he listens.\" She sighed. \"And now I\'m babbling. Do go, Severus. I\'ll be waiting for you when you come back. I know you don\'t want to hear that, but truth is I\'ll be waiting you forever. Now go, I need to cry in private; I have a lot in my heart, as wide as it might be.\"

* * *

The voices on Council – also known as Dumbledore\'s Army among its members – were predictably divided. Sitting in his usual place, isolated from the others behind a thick curtain of shadows, Severus Snape watched the same argumeruptrupt for what would be the second and last time this week.

O\'Byrne, as was to be expected, had vetoed the strategy. Dumbledore vetoed as well. Mad-Eye was supporting the attack reluctantly, while Trimble-Macmillan had been debating. Encountering the resistance of half his Council, even Potter voice wasn\'t able to tip the scale.

\"This is irrational,\" hissed O\'Byrne. \"You two are acting against every possible logic. Just several months ago we were about to willingly abandon Shacklebolt and Shacklebolt\'s son and wife to the slaughtering knife for much less, and now you two are ready to declare open war because your daughter, Professor, and your wife, Auror Potter, have been kidnapped? Excuse me, but that\'s not only irrational, that\'s also immoral.\"

\"I believe you\'re right on that one,\" Macmillan\'s soft, earthy voice could be heard from the fire\'s direction. \"The issue being a moral issue, rather than a logical one.\"

\"I\'m sorry Maggie,\" O\'Byrne said coolly, \"but you have been out of your mind. This is war. We are not discussing morals here, only practicalities. What works- what doesn\'t work. That\'s all there is to it, unless you wish to count the bodies.\"

\"Not exactly,\" Macmillan corre. \". \"Over the years, I have learned that practicality and moralitwaysways go together. At least when it concerns commanding people. Because people are interested in morals. You see, some of us were actually Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs.\"

Snape arched an eyebrow in amusements. It had seemed like the Hufflepuffs had finally found their place in God\'s magnificent creation.

\"What are you saying, Maggie?\" growled Mad-Eye.

Macmillan smiled softly, her Earth-Goddess smile that reminded Snape of Hermione. \"What I\'m saying is,\" she told them, \"that once you give people a good reason to fight, they\'d fight. And once you give people a just reason to die, they\'ll fight to the death for your cause. That\'s the flaw in Voldemort\'s strategy- he gives people reason to fear him- he promises them reasons why they had better serve him. Promises them fortune and power and glory. But he gives them no noble cause to die for. And now he has provided us with a noble cause to offer our people- all we have to do is show them the golden braid of an eight-year-old child, or her amputated finger. Tell them their loved ones are going to be next, and not only will they die for you; they will kill Voldemort for you. I support Severus and Harry\'s plan. Count me in.\"

O\'Byrne exhaled loudly. \"That\'s crazy.\"

\"Nothing ventured, nothing gained,\" Snape quoted.

O\'Byrne threw the loose edge of her brocaded shawl behind her shoulder. \"Suicidal lunatics.\"

\"Does it mean you’ll withdraw your veto?\" Potter asked.

O\'Byrne gave the young Auror and Commander a piercing glare. \"It means my veto is meaningless.\"

Potter sighed. \"Headmaster? Please?\"

Dumbledore\'s voice was strained and cold when he finally spoke. \"Do not plead with me, boy. I was not ready to sacrifice few for many, let alone, many for few. I believe Maggie is right and that there might be a chance this crazy scheme can see us victorious, but I do not approve of your motives. Once again, Ladies and Gentlemen, I must ask you to excuse my early departure.\" His eyelids failed for a moment, as if the ancient wizard was encountering unexpected difficulties trying to keep his eyes open. \"My health –I shall leave you now…\"

Snape was surprised to see how much of his weight the older man rested on his arm as he silently walked Albus to his rooms. Slowly, he helped the old magician remove his heavy clothes, folding and putting the rich garments aside, then tucking the frail, fragile man into his bed. Fawkes, red and gold and in his prime, watched Snape from his usual place near Dumbledore\'s cushion.

\"You were hard on the boy,\" Snape noted, leaning forward to remove Albus\'s spectacles and put them on the night table beside the bed.

Dumbledore\'s features turned harsh and severe, even when deprived of their usual armour of glass and silver. \"He deserved it.\"

\"You weren\'t hard on me.\"

\"Harry Potter is not my boy,\" Albus answered quietly. \"Maggie is smarter than she looks. She had managed to make the issue appear as a matter of morals, while it isn\'t so at all. It\'s a matter of proper presentation. The best commanders are thoso seo sell the best illusions to their troops. The best reasons to die for. For my part, Severus, I am too old to listen to Maggie\'s and Harry\'s speeches on the battle\'s eve, and be convinced I have reason to die. I am going to die anyway. I am too old to believe I have good reason to deliver all those young men and women to their certain death just because Harry Potter\'s wife and unborn child had been kidnapped and will surely be brutally murdered. But I have seen you holding the woman you love, clinging to a piece of your daughter\'s hair; with my own eye I have seen my son – in spirit if not in flesh – agonizing over his child. It is not a matter of morals, Severus; it is a matter of egoism. And because I have seen my son agonizing I will reluctantly, against every moral code I have, deliver those people into battle. Because I am selfish and I know that my end is near.\"

Snape gritted his teeth. \"This is not true-\"

\"Do not waste your words to me in denying the inevitable,\" Dumbledore preached him. \"We\'ll be marching to war on the day after tomorrow, and tomorrow night you\'ll be spending with your lady. This precious time should not be spent in idle talking.\"

Snape rolled his eyes. \"I am surrounded by hopelessly romantic Gryffindors.\"

\"An adequate punishment for your many sins,\" Albus said calmly.

\"That was uncalled for.\"

Dumbledore grinned. It had taken a while before his crumpled features had settled once again into a serious expression, as if the time was slowing the ancient muscles, withholding them from forming the expression their owner wished them to form. \"I\'d like you to tell me, Severus,\" the wizened wizard asked him then, \"did you find your redemption?\"

Snape looked at the old, parchment skinned face, fighting to gather the words into an answer the man he was talking to would be pleased to hear.

Dumbledore, good, old, omniscient Dumbledore, was impossible to fool. \"Don\'t tell me what you think I\'d want to hear,\" he rebuked the younger man. \"Tell me the truth, Severus. All my life I wanted nothing but the truth. Seeing it will soon be over isn\'t going to change that.\"

Snape closed his eye. \"All right, then. You are asking me if I found my redemption. I am not sure what to tell you. The final battle is nearing- I never believed I would survive for so long, or know such happiness. If I\'ll die the day after tomorrow, I\'ll die a man who knows the meaning of happiness. Have I found my redemption? I have so much blood on my hands, Albus- when my sins and good deeds will at last be measured in heaven, I don\'t think I am shall be chosen for resurrection when the Messiah is finally sent down to earth. But then, maybe if I bring back the girl while she\'s still breathing, maybe if I kill the dragon for my love, maybe then I shall have my redemption.\"

Dumbledore blinked, once, and then twice, and reaching his arm, he rested the old, shivering, open palm on the Potions Master\'s bent head. \"Here am I,\" he whispered the ancient words. \"Who art thou, my son?\"

\"I am Jacob thy first born,\" Snape mumbled, not bothering to wipe dry the tears that moistened his face. \"I have done according as thou badest me: arise, I pray thee, sit and eat of my venison, that thy soul may bless me.\"

\"Come near, I pray thee, that I may feel thee, my son, whether thou be my very son Jacob or not.\"

Closing his eyes, he felt the crumpled, curdled tips of Dumbledore\'s fingers roaming his face, rebirthing Snape\'s merciless features for him as he followed the contours with mercy: as he reincarnated them with love. Not raped into being, but loved into existence. Sired to a father who could want him. A father who welcomed his tears and wiped him with his old, calloused hand.

Dumbledore spoke quietly. \"Please bow your head so I can bless thee.\"

Bowing his head, Snape felt Dumbledore\'s hand moving to rest on his crown one more time.

\"God give thee of the dew of heaven, and the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine,\" Dumbledore repeated Isaac\'s words, this time knowingly, willingly, uttering them in front of the right, true son. \"Let people serve thee, and nations bow down to thee: be lord over thy brethren, and let thy mother\'s sons bow down hee:hee: cursed be every one that curseth thee, and blessed be he that blesseth thee. And may I add,\" Dumbledore continued, \"since the land that sired your mother\'s ancestors isn\'t the land that sired mine…\" The old man sighed, his eyelids shutting for a moment. \"May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of His hand.\"

Snape closed his eye, thus missing the sight of a single, crystalline tear, which rolled down Albus Dumbledore\'s wrinkled cheek and disappeared within the white, cascading mane of his beard.

* * *

The movement inside Hogwarts castle was swift, smooth and discreet. Not one Auror, soldier, trooper, or simply a fighter of the cause was allowed into the students\' corridors. To the outside observer, it might have seemed as if nothing had happened to touch the castle, not to mention the castle population being doubled at least by half.

Trimble Macmillan\'s elite troop was located in the Slytherin dungeons, along with the banshees, the werewolves, the vampires and the dark elves who fought on the light\'s side: an introspective, intellectual lot, all gifted with high sense of moral purpose – one that might have sometimes seemed foggy and suspicious to the naked human eye.

The Hogwarts Aurory headquarters; its members still keeping their everyday routine in the entrance hall, was moved into the Astronomy Tower, which had thus filled at once. Those of the centaurs who many years ago had joined Firenze and Dumbledore in the fight against Voldemort, were now gathering on the edge of the Forbidden Forest, and hidden in the blue mists, were waiting. The giants, half a mile away from the centaurs\' camp and somewhat deeper in the forest, were waiting as well. So was a unit of Veelas, on top of the Northern Tower, ten elves, three dozens Leprechauns, and all of the Hogwarts castle\'s H Elf Elfs, who were determined to die protecting their beloved master.

All of these, along with three hundred witches and wizards – some young, some old, some clever, some not so clever, some gifted and some squibs- some about to die without ever knowing love, and some who would live a life full of happiness – were waiting patiently for the final battle.tingting for Hogwarts ancient wards to be removed, for the first, and hopefully the last time in the school’s thousand years or so documented history, so that each of them would be able to Apparate to the place where he would fight for the safety of his loved ones. For their own right to live a life free of danger, to love and marry whomever they chose, and not to be hunted for the blood flowing in their veins. For the right to raise up their head and walk proudly- no matter who were their ancestors. Because their ancestors were the people they were.

\"Very noble reasons,\" he told Hermione, \"but just like the Americans at the time, our troops wouldn\'t go to battle because others, many others, are murdered in the most despicable way, or for the most despicable reasons, but because the recent blow hit too close.\"

\"Isn\'t it just the same as with Kingsley Shacklebolt\'s son?\" she asked, hugging Snape from behind. The two of them were now standing in front of the window in her living room, watching the dark, empty lawns.

He laughed bitterly. \"It would have been, if you could say it had taken six million Allies\' soldiers to destroy the Nazi death machine. But no. All the Allies had to do in order to assure some of their generals\' places in heaven, was to send some planes to bomb Auschwitz. Much easier than bombing Berlin or Munich or Dresden, wouldn\'t you say? Particularly when taking into consideration the British already knew the exact layout of the camp. But history is a bitch. Power is a bitch, or perhaps it was simply unlucky and to be born a Jew at that time.\"

\"That… that…\" she mumbled.

\"That war was over a long time ago,\" Snape murmured, into the cold night.

Hermione shook her head. \"Sometimes I really don\'t think so at all. Tell me, Severus… did it ever occur to you how much Voldemort and Hitler are alike?\"

Snape frowned. Even though she couldn\'t see his face, Hermione could feel the muscles of his back tensing. He was watching the darkened lawns, his thoughts wandering from the battles about to take place when the sun rose, to the woman standing beside him, and her question, lingering between them. \"Many times,\" he answered after a while. \"Ever since Oniko told me she wouldn\'t be the mother of a Nazi beast. The two of them – obsessed with blood purity. The two of them – half-blooded. Riddle through his mother, Hitler through his great-grandfather. The two of them – essentially fascist nationalists: I do believe Riddle once loved the Wizarding World and would have given his life for it. But unlike Hitler,\" Snape continued dryly, almost as if he was reciting a text that he had read so many time he had learned it by heart, \"Riddle, even though he grew up in a Muggle orphanage, never had trouble getting what he wanted. You could never blame him for merely being a frustrated artist.\"

\"So what are you saying?\" Hermione asked quietly.

\"I\'m saying nothing at all. Just reciting the points.\"

Hermione moistened her lips. \"Voldemort hasn\'t offered up any wide-scale plan for the genocide of Muggle born wizards and witches.\"

Snape snorted. \"That\'s because the Dark Lord believes anything Muggle to be so beneath his notice that he probably never even heard of the Holocaust, never mind that Riddle would have been old enough to meet Hitler. I\'m quite sure that had he heard of him, he might have stolen a Time-Turner from the Ministry, and would have traveled bin tin time to meet the man who would then have become his one and only Muggle friend.\"

\"Holocaust jokes are cruel and hurtful thing.\"

\"Seeing that principally, although not technically, I am a Jew, I think I have every right to make them.\"

\"And my child had been kidnapped, so I can joke about that too?\" Hermione asked accusingly, tears pooling in her eyes.

\"Laughing can sometimes make things easier,\" he said softly. \"Though probably not for you. I told you once cynicism does not become you. The reason, Hermione, is that cynicism does not make things easier on you: it only makes them harder.\"

\"It doesn\'t make it easier on you too,\" she blamed. \"It only provides you with a temporary shelter where you can hide away from your feelings.\"

\"Sometimes a temporary shelter is all we have,\" Snape said, his voice devoid of any emotion.

\"You have me.\"

\"I know.\"

\"Make love to me tonight.\"

Snape nodded, turning around and take her chin between his thumb and his index finger. \"Now,\" he said softly, \"and on other days.\"

* * *

His miniature, delicate hands moved inside the lucid fluid, cast about in the darkness, and slid against the soft, pliant walls of his constantly narrowing world. Drifting, he kicked his way toward the the sound that had become a source of joy and comfort in the last days, fine, tickling sound, that moved up and down his fragile spine and orbited his heart with a glow. Forward, toward the fine, tickling voice that made him sleepy and happy and hypperactive… Forward, against the elastic, soft wall of his world, until the sound could almost touch him and he could almost tase the words-

…Rainbows are visions,
They’re only illusions,
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we\'ve been told and some chose to believe it
But I know they\'re wrong
Wait and see…

Then came the other voice, the voice he knew and loved just as well, now tired and unhappy – like the life the voice\'s owner was hardly, painfully infusing to him. Bubbling around him, the other voice was now saying: \"We should sleep now Aubrey, sweetie. Everything will be fine tomorrow, I promise. Everything\'s going to be okay, wait and see, just wait and see…\"

* The chapter is named after R. Frost\'s poem, \"The Trial by Existence\".

* \"For whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.\" Ruth, KJV 1:16.

* \"The Lord do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me.\" Ruth, 1:17.

* The quotations inserted in Snape and Dumbledore\'s exchange are part of Isaac\'s blessing to his firstborn, Esau, which was stolen by Jacob, his second son. The scene appears in the book of Genesis, chapter 27 (KJV).