Love Vigilantes

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“If ever these questions were yours, what would you say? You don’t know, but I’m writing the answers on cheap paper napkins. And now he’s turning off, and now she’s shutting down. And it’s not what it seems, nothing’s the same when you give it away. No, it’s not what it seems, it’s just what you think it is.” (Not What It Seems, by Something Corporate)

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“PLEASE, GINNY, STOP RUNNING. WE NEED TO TALK!” Hermione panted as she ran through the halls, trying to catch up with her best friend and close the gap that Ginny’s head start had granted her.

“TALK ABOUT WHAT,” Ginny screamed at the top of her lungs, stopping just before the staircase at the end of the hall to turn and face Hermione, “THE FACT THAT YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING PROFESSOR SNAPE? IS THAT POSSIBLY WHAT WE MIGHT NEED TO TALK ABOUT? HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY MENTAL? HE’S A TEACHER! IT’S SNAPE, FOR GOD’S SAKE! WE HATE HIM. YOU HATE HIM! IT’S SO MANY DIFFERENT LEVELS OF WRONG, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO CALL IT!”

Hermione rushed forward to her so that she could respond without screaming. She swore that she would murder Ginny if anyone had been able to hear her little tirade. She could already imagine the humiliating nicknames the Slytherins would come up with if they knew that she fancied their Head of House. There would be no place in Hogwarts for her to hide. And if her enemy House started all sorts of jokes and rumors, there was no doubt in Hermione’s mind that news of her relationship would get back to Harry and Ron. She was convinced that she would rather die than to have that happen.

“Ginny. You. Need. To. Stop. Yelling… Now.”

Ginny was immediately silenced by the intensity in Hermione’s voice and followed her silently into a nearby classroom.

Hermione shut the door swiftly and then turned on her. “If anyone heard you, Ginny, I swear to God I’ll never speak to you again. It isn’t that big of a deal. I am not sleeping with Snape, so calm down already.”

“I most certainly will not calm down!” Ginny snapped back. “You may not be sleeping with him, but you two were sure as hell on the way there! What the fuck is wrong with you? You and Snape are polar opposites! He’s old enough to be your father! His actions toward you have been nothing short of sadistic ever since you got to Hogwarts. Apart from Voldemort, he very well could be our greatest enemy! He-”

“We don’t know that, Ginny. We don’t know anything about his loyalties, but I trust him. I have to trust him.” Hermione cut her off abruptly, lowering her voice dangerously, anger swelling within her upon hearing Ginny’s accusation.

“Oh my God,” Ginny gasped, “you’ve fallen for Snape, haven’t you?” She stared at Hermione in amazement, noticing her growing discomfort. Normally, she would have ceased her questioning after realizing that Hermione was becoming uncomfortable, but since Ginny had already seen her professor and her best friend snogging, she didn’t think much of it. Best to get things out in the open, she figured.

“So it would seem.” Hermione bit her lower lip in embarrassment, hoping that her confession wouldn’t set Ginny off the deep end again. Hermione wanted to make Ginny understand her situation; it would be nice to have someone she could talk to about Severus. She was still having little luck trying to figure things out on her own. Fortunately, Hermione thought she saw Ginny’s eyes light up at her own admission. Perhaps owing her an explanation wouldn’t be so difficult.

“Hermione Jean Granger, I would never have expected anything like this from you! I’m not going to pretend to understand it yet, but I want to hear everything, every single detail! Has this been going on long?” Ginny was practically panting with excitement at the prospect of getting some gossip from her best friend, even if it did have to be about Professor Snape.

“No, not really; it’s only been since February. Even so, it’s never really been a proper relationship.” Hermione caught herself about to giggle as she thought of all the ridiculous things she and Severus had gone through in their attempts at normalcy. She was about to continue her story, but Ginny, never one to suffer silent pauses, charged on with her interrogation.

“Well, from what I saw tonight, it looks like you have one now! So, how did it start? I’m sure it’s a great story. I can’t imagine you and Snape having a romantic, love-at-first-sight moment; it must have been much more excruciating than that!”

Hermione smiled, noting that for someone so upset just a minute ago, Ginny was certainly taking an interest in her romantic endeavors with Snape. Their conversation took on a completely different tone than at its beginning, and Hermione was eternally grateful.

“Yeah, it was pretty bad. Let’s see, you already know about all the horrible Potions classes I had to sit through at the beginning of the year. And then there was the independent study that Dumbledore sprung on us. Well, Severus and I-”

“Wait! You’re calling him Severus now? Isn’t that weird for you?” Ginny asked, shaking her head in amazement.

“It was at first. It was really weird, actually, but I’m pretty used to it now. He calls me Hermione, I call him Severus… it’s pretty standard, I suppose. I tried some pet names that I thought would set him off. It was amusing, but none of them caught on. Anyway, I started working on a potion to deter the effects of the Cruciatus Curse. We were spending a lot of time together, and I guess I started liking him. Of course, I didn’t want to admit it, and it took me ages to realize it for myself. Then Ron asked me to be his girlfriend and –”

“WOAH, WOAH, WOAH. Hold on a second!” Ginny interrupted once more. “My brother actually asked you to be his girlfriend? Wow, I never thought he’d grow the balls to do that. He’s been meaning to ask you out for years! Mum and I always knew he fancied you, though. He was always talking about you at home during the school holidays. Anyway… you said no, and then what happened?”

“Um…” Hermione continued nervously, “actually… I said yes.”

“YOU WHAT? Hermione, for someone so smart, you have some major issues.” Ginny knew she should have been more upset that Hermione had somewhat used her brother. However, considering that Ron seemed just as happy as ever and hadn’t even mentioned his brief stint as Hermione’s boyfriend, Ginny supposed that everything turned out alright.

“I know,” Hermione replied dejectedly, “but at that point, I didn’t think I really liked Snape. I thought I could make it work with Ron. Then, when it became clear that Ron felt much more for me than I could feel for him, I broke things off. I felt awful, but we had only been ‘going out’ for around a day or two, and I was with Snape most of the time anyway. Of course, it didn’t make me feel any better that Ron was so sweet and understanding. I was quite surprised, actually. I expected him to get all territorial and angry, but he didn’t. You’ve got a wonderful brother, Ginny. So anyway, I kept working on the potion, and Snape and I became friends in a way... and then, long story short… Snape was summoned by Voldemort and returned in a state of near death, I used my own blood to stabilize my potion, I admitted that I loved Snape, and then he kissed me right before I had to Crucio him. He wouldn’t talk to me about it, so I chained him to his chair and gave him Veritaserum to find out how he really felt. Then he decided to give us a chance, even though he’s calling it a fucking ‘social experiment’. Our first date was just as awkward as I had anticipated, he’s convinced he’s going to hurt me, and he finally decided to give in and make me happy when you barged in.” Hermione took a quick breath as she finished, realizing how ironic it was that even the abridged version of her story was longwinded. Being magical certainly made life much more interesting. She afforded a quick glance at Ginny, who was now sitting across from her. Her eyes were wide as saucers, and Hermione could only imagine the thoughts running through her brain.

“Wow, Hermione. If I didn’t know any better, I’d almost think we’re all just some part of a huge, bizarre romance novel. Who would have thought… you and Snape? That’s one hell of a story. And I’m assuming no one else knows?” Ginny’s mind was reeling as she thought of the implications of everything she had just heard. Harry and Ron would be livid if they found out, and she was certain Snape would hate her even more now for knowing his secret.

“I’m still alive, aren’t I? Of course, no one else knows! And now that you’ve found out, I’m sure things are going to go back to the way they were. Severus is just going to shut me out again. I’m going to have to start everything over. Just please, Gin, I’m happy that I have someone I can finally talk to about this, but don’t tell anyone. I trust that you wouldn’t, but it would ruin both my future and his career if you let something slip. Not to mention that it could cost us our lives at the hands of Voldemort.”

Ginny was amazed at the passion in Hermione’s eyes as she pleaded with her, finally realizing that all of what Hermione had been saying was devastatingly true. Although she was happy for her best friend, she found Hermione’s situation to be entirely heartbreaking.

“I wouldn’t do that do you, Hermione, or anyone you care about… even if it is Snape.” She chuckled, watching Hermione relax a little as she moved towards the door.

“Thanks, Ginny. I’m going to go see if I can talk to Severus. I’m sure he’s either extremely pissed, brooding, or drunk right now. I’ll see you tomorrow. ‘Night, Ginny, and thanks for understanding.”

“’Night, Hermione. Just one more question… can Snape actually kiss?” It was the question Ginny had been holding back throughout their entire conversation, but her curiosity had finally gotten the best of her.

Hermione stopped turning the doorknob and looked back over her shoulder.

“Like you wouldn’t believe,” she replied before heading out the door and down the corridor.

Ginny got up to leave after her and looked down the hallway to the door from which she had just witnessed Hermione and Snape going at it on his desk. She laughed at Hermione’s answer to her question, but couldn’t help but still be slightly disturbed. She tried to absorb what had just happened and turned her back on the dungeons, hoping that all would be well in the morning.

*******

Hermione walked down the remainder of the corridor and tapped on Snape’s door, suddenly nervous at the thought of seeing him. She hadn’t experienced such a feeling in a while where he was concerned, and it set her even more on edge.

“Severus, I’m coming back in. Everything’s alright.” She pushed open the door, relieved that he hadn’t replaced his wards to keep her out, and walked through his classroom, office, and lab to reach his study. The room was dark, save for the soft glow that radiated from the slowly dying embers in the fireplace. She would never have seen him sitting alone in the silence if the motion of his head dropping to his chest as he heard her enter behind him hadn’t caught her eye.

“You didn’t think I’d come back? Surely, you know me better than that by now. You need to talk to me, Severus, or none of this is ever going to work. I can’t do everything.” Hermione talked to him softly as she moved to sit on the floor by his feet, knowing that even one misplaced word could ruin everything.

“No, Hermione, I knew you’d come back. I was just hoping that you wouldn’t. As far as I’m concerned, we have very little to discuss. What happened tonight between us was inexcusable and dangerous. We – I almost lost control; I can’t chance that happening again. And while the situation is extremely regrettable, I suppose we should be thankful that it was only Miss Weasley who witnessed our indiscretion.”

Hermione winced as she listened to him; she knew what was coming next. He was using his teaching tone with her, trying to regain the professional distance of their former relationship. He was going to shut her out.

“Severus, you’re right. It was only Ginny, and she’s okay. She doesn’t completely understand or approve but is being supportive. Right now, that’s all that matters. I trust her; she won’t tell anyone. Please, Severus, it won’t happen again. We’ll just have to be more careful next time.” She hadn’t realized that her hand was now resting on his knee until he flinched at the contact and stood up to stand next to the mantle.

“Hermione, there will not be a next time.” He sighed and closed his eyes, not needing to see the look of shock and pain that was inevitably on Hermione’s face; he knew it was there. He had seen it far too many times, had been the cause of it too many times. He heard her sit in the chair he had just left vacant, the well worn leather creaking gently behind him. He knew what was coming next. She was going to try to persuade him that he was wrong, and he was going to do his best to fight her. Their conversations always seemed to end this way, and it was getting harder and harder for him to resist her.

“I don’t understand. When you say…” Hermione’s response was low and broken. She felt the tears coming and didn’t want to fall apart in front of him, not now. Fortunately, he cut her off.

“I mean that, as long as you remain my student, I will not touch you again. There can be no ‘us’ while you remain at Hogwarts. If we were discovered, the consequences would be disastrous. You would be expelled, and I would be fired. There would be no exceptions; files would be created, charges would be pressed, trials would be carried out. Both of our lives would be permanently damaged. I could care less about teaching Potions to your insipid classmates, but you have so much ahead of you, a life filled with so much promise. Already, you could have lost one of your best friends because of me, Hermione; I won’t let you ruin your life for my sake. Without me, you have everything. You should get out of this before it’s too late.” Even though he knew he shouldn’t, Severus turned around to look where Hermione sat. She was completely doubled upon herself in his chair, grasping her knees tightly to her chest and hiding her face completely from his view. He didn’t need to look into her mind to know that she was crying and stood back to wait for her response. He wasn’t going to push her; she needed time.

“You looked that up while I was gone, didn’t you?” she finally responded, talking to a point past his shoulder instead of looking directly at him. “You wanted to know what would happen and use it against me. I can’t believe you. You have no problem breaking rules or facing the Dark Lord. You are probably the best spy the world has ever seen. Yet, you’re not willing to go behind Dumbledore’s back with me? Do you even realize how hypocritical you sound?” Hermione now focused her gaze directly on Severus, wishing more than ever that she had convinced him to teach her Legilimency.

“Yes, Hermione, I consulted the Hogwarts’ faculty code of conduct regarding our situation. If you were in my place, I’m sure you would have done the same thing, bookworm that you are. Faculty advances on a student are explicitly forbidden, and the consequences are precisely as I described. I’m not using it against you. I’m telling you this because I care about what happens to you, Hermione, more than I care what happens to me. I’m not trying to hurt you.”

“Why is it that every time you say that, it still hurts? I know you’re saying this because you care. But right now, I’d give anything not to have these feelings for you. I’ve tried to let them go, and they won’t go away. I know deep down that you’re right, and maybe that’s what causes my pain. So, we can’t see each other… until I graduate? I’m not sure I can handle that, Severus.” She stood and walked over to him, remembering their new ‘no touching’ rule and resisting the urge to take hold of his hand.

“It’s not as bad as it sounds, Hermione. I’m still your Potions professor, and we still have your independent study. We’ll still be able to spend time together and talk, we just won’t be able to pick up where we left off this evening. No more dates, no more kissing. You can’t throw your shirt on my floor. You’ll be fine.” He knew she wouldn’t believe him, but was trying to convince himself that they’d be able to handle the separation as much as he was trying to convince her. It wasn’t working.

“I won’t be fine, Severus, that’s practically a year and a half! I’m perfectly content with just spending time with you, it’s not like I’m some overly hormonal sex addict – okay, that came out horribly wrong… but there’s still a part of me that wants you every time you’re near me. I don’t know if I can try to ignore it for that long. The look in your eyes tells me that you feel the same.” Again, her hand unwillingly found its way to his, causing him to step away from her.

“Hermione, you need to control yourself. I’m known for my reserve and self-restraint, but if you keep that up, you will push me too far. I’m not unbreakable. I know it’s going to be hard for us, but please, just hold on until you graduate. I’m not worth risking your future.” He looked at her, pained to see the fresh tears streaming down her face. “Hermione, stop please, what’s wrong? You need to talk this out. Holding it in will only make you miserable.”

“It’s just… you’re worth so much more than you think. I can’t even put into words the good that I see in you. You’re life is worth living, Severus, never doubt that. I’m not a victim because I have feelings for you; don’t treat me like one. And the feeling of how much I want you to hold me right now, how much I want to show you that I care, and knowing that can’t happen, is making all of this worse. I need to go. I’ll see you tomorrow, Severus. Good night.”

“Good night, Hermione. This will be worth it in the end, if you still have the slightest interest in me after your graduation.”

“I seriously doubt anything will change that.” She smiled at him before leaving his study and closing the door softly behind her.

“If only you knew…” Severus muttered to himself before retiring to his chambers, facing a long and restless night alone.