It Was Only A Kiss!

Chapter Twenty-One

‘Oh Sweet Merlin! My eyes! My virgin eyes!’

A duet of sleepy grumbles arose from the bed and Sirius raised his arm from where it was draped over Remus‘ bare chest, swiping aimlessly at thin air.

‘Piss off, Potter,’ he mumbled, forcing his eyes open to squint at James who was staring down at their partially exposed naked forms with a grimace on his face.

James turned his head to the side and covered his eyes, peering at them from under his hand as if the sight pained him. ‘Cover your hairy arse, at least,' he begged, tugging on the sheet then he squawked when Sirius' hand finally made contact with his arm.

‘Why don’t you just close the fucking curtain and bugger off?' Sirius suggested then the corner of his mouth quirked up wickedly. 'Or maybe you want to watch what I was about to do to Moony?’

He kissed the werewolf’s chest then shifted and pressed his lips to the too prominent ribs. 'Look and learn, Prongs,' he murmured, sliding his mouth down to Remus' stomach then grinning when he heard a loud rattling as James pulled the curtains around Remus' bed shut.

Remus, eyes still shut, chuckled and addressed the boy who once again had spread himself across his scarred chest.

'How far would you have gone if he stayed there?'

'All the way, baby,' Sirius said with a smirk then he ducked his head towards Remus' groin. 'Want me to demonstrate?

‘Don’t you threaten me with one of your blow jobs...’ Remus teased and Sirius looked indignant, raising his head again.

‘Threaten you?' he said in mock outrage. 'You were screaming in the end last night…’

‘I was screaming in relief that you‘d finally finished torturing me with those teeth,' Remus retorted.

Sirius made an affronted harrumph and shifted, his comforting weight lifting off Remus as he settled himself on his side and propped his head up on his hand. Remus yawned and forced open his heavy eyelids, turning his head to gaze at his bed partner. Sirius was staring down at him - looking far too bright for someone who’d only fallen asleep three hours ago after a night of debauchery.

‘What are you staring at?' Remus said quietly, a smile playing on his lips. 'Do I have something unsavoury splattered on me?’

Sirius smiled as well, a gentle, soft smile, and leaned over to kiss the sleepy-eyed werewolf on the forehead. ‘I like scaring the shit out of James like that,' he confessed. 'Maybe I should wake up naked in your bed more often.’

Remus grinned. 'Was that a hint?' he asked and Sirius chuckled, nuzzling his nose into Remus' neck in a very Padfoot-like manner.

'I could get used to waking up like this,' he whispered into Remus ear then bit down lightly on his earlobe. 'I like this.' He eased an arm over Remus' torso and found the werewolf's hand, wrapping his fingers around the other boy's.

The corners of Remus' mouth lifted and he tilted his head to drop a kiss on Sirius' cheekbone. 'So do I,' he murmured softly, feeling Sirius' beaming smile against his skin. The brunette kissed Remus on the delicate skin behind his ear then lifted his head.

'And it has the added benefit of driving Prongs insane,' he said with a smirk and Remus made an exasperated noise before he rolled onto his side with a soft groan. His body ached in places it had never ached before and he groaned again as his lower body objected to the new position.

‘Gods, my arse is sore,' he complained and watched as Sirius’ affectionate smile quickly turned into his usual shit-eating smirk.

Remus cuffed him around the head. ‘Don’t fucking laugh,' he warned, waggling a finger at Sirius. 'It’s your turn next and mine‘s bigger than your‘s.’

‘Oh, I’m quaking!’ Sirius said, unable to stop his eyes wandering down to Remus' fabric-covered cock, noticing that the sheet was ever-so-slightly tenting. He looked up to tease Remus and saw a wince flicker across the other boy's face. Guilt washed over him - as effective as a cold shower - and he frowned in concern.

‘Are you alright, Moony?' he asked tentatively. 'I know I hurt you last night.’

A surprised Remus blinked at him then smiled. ‘It was fairly unavoidable, Sirius,' he said reassuringly. 'I knew it was going to hurt a bit, but I wanted to do it.' Sirius must have still appeared sceptical because he squeezed his hand and said, 'Really, Padfoot. It’s getting close to the full moon, remember? Lots of the stiffness is just normal stuff.’

Sirius seemed a little placated and moved closer, snuggling into the werewolf’s embrace. ‘How…how did it feel?’ he asked a little shyly and Remus was startled to see a flush colour the other boy's cheeks.

Knowing this would be the wrong time to tease the unusually vulnerable boy, he said quietly, ‘It was good after the initial...pain. Really good.' He saw Sirius' self-satisfied smirk return and couldn't resist a poke. 'Of course, you were a bit quick…’

Sirius huffed in indignation, though unable to keep the smile off his face. ‘Keep going and you’ll never fuck me, Lupin,' he threatened and Remus laughed.

He pulled Sirius closer, their groins rubbing tantalisingly over each other. Their eyes locked and he saw a little uncertainty still lingering in the grey depths.

‘It was good, Sirius,' he murmured softly, raising his hand and tenderly stroking his thumb along Sirius' prickly jaw. 'Better than good - it was fantastic. How did it feel for you?’

Sirius grinned mischieviously. ‘Like you were going to squeeze my dick off,' he said with a laugh. 'You were so fucking tight… I loosened you up beautifully though, with my huge...’

Remus smacked him on the arm, blushing furiously.

‘Poof,' he said affectionately.

‘Ponce,' Sirius returned with a grin.

There was a moment of silence then Sirius spoke softly, all humour leaving his face. ‘It was brilliant, Remus,' he whispered. 'Really just...' He swallowed hard. 'It was like nothing I've ever felt before.'

Remus smiled and Sirius let out a soft bark of laughter. 'I guess I really am gay, huh?’

Remus laughed and nodded. ‘I guess you are,' he agreed. 'And I, for one, am quite pleased about that.’

Sirius chuckled and kissed Remus’ chest, letting his lips brush over the other boy’s nipple. The little nub hardened and Remus moaned approvingly.

‘Is that a ‘For the love of Merlin, keep going’ moan or a ‘you shagged me so thoroughly last night that I‘m ruined for the day' moan?’ Sirius asked, lips forging a damp trail across the werewolf's chest to his other nipple.

‘Whatever you said first,' Remus mumbled, arching his back to encourage Sirius' lips to move faster.

‘Good,' Sirius muttered, lips closing over the coffee-brown nipple as they heard a shout.

‘Padfoot! You have an owl from your parents - get your fruity arse out of bed!'

Sirius felt Remus stiffen under his mouth at James' cry and he pulled back, looking up at the werewolf’s wary face.

‘Would Regulus have had time to tell them?’ Remus asked worriedly and Sirius hastened to reassure him, although he was nervous himself.

‘It’s probably nothing, Remus,' he said, patting the other boy's arm. 'I reckon Reg will try and manipulate me a bit before he gives up and tells our parents.’

Remus didn’t look as certain of Regulus' silence, his brow furrowing as he watched Sirius get out of bed and pull his jeans on. He pulled open the curtains then winked at Remus before closing them again so the werewolf could dress in private.

By the time Remus had dressed and opened the hangings, Sirius was in the shower and the others had gone to breakfast. The owl was gone and Remus couldn’t see any notes laying around. He sighed and, knowing how long Sirius could take with his morning ablutions, he decided to head down to Sunday breakfast.

~*~

Sirius didn’t show for the morning meal and when Remus reached the dorm, he saw him sitting on his bed, staring out the window.

‘Where were you?' Remus demanded, the sound of his voice obviously startling Sirius. 'Breakfast is over.’

Sirius didn’t look at him, instead bending to pull his shoes on as he replied, ‘Is it? Shit, I got…distracted.’

Fear pooled in the pit of Remus' stomach. ‘Was the owl from your parents?’ he asked reluctantly and Sirius finally looked at him.

‘Huh? Oh, yeah but it was just a note about my cousin Narcissa’s wedding,' he muttered, fiddling with his laces. 'She’s marrying that Malfoy git in a few months.’

‘So they don’t know?’ Remus asked.

Sirius shook his head. ‘Nope. I told you - Regulus is such a fucking prat he’ll try and blackmail me or something.’

His shoes now on, Sirius walked across the room to Remus and kissed him firmly on the lips. ‘I’m going to the kitchens to see if I can scrounge something to eat off the House Elves. Then I’m going to go to Hogsmeade. I’ve run out of chocolate and mead and I know you like them after the moon to ease your aches and pains.’

‘Sirius…’ Remus began, unwilling to just drop the subject, but Sirius kept talking.

‘I know you don’t like me nicking stuff,' he chattered, oblivious to Remus' attempts to cut in. 'I always leave the Galleons there somewhere, but I certainly wouldn’t want you to compromise yourself, Mister Prefect, by coming along. You probably couldn’t walk that far anyway with your injured arse.’

He grinned when Remus, now too embarrassed for words, flushed then he kissed the other boy again, this time allowing it to deepen. They slid their arms around each other as lips tasted and tongues explored and senses ignited once more. Remus was thinking of suggesting that Sirius take his turn to bottom right now when James and Peter walked in.

Peter let out a little squawk when he saw the entwined couple and James groaned.

‘I was soooo not ready to see that.’

Remus and Sirius pulled apart, both flushing deeply at being caught. ‘Sorry…we thought we were alone,' Remus stammered, swiping his hand across his kiss swollen lips.

‘Don’t be sorry.’

All three boys looked at Peter in surprise, the blonde looking just as startled that the words had come from his mouth.

Under the scrutiny of his room mates, Peter stammered out an explanation. ‘I mean…well…James snogs Lily all over the place and he doesn’t say sorry when we walk in on it,' he stuttered. 'Why should you two? Just cause you’re both…boys…what?’

He frowned, glaring at the trio whose mouths were hanging open, staring at him as if they'd never seen him before. Remus came to his senses first and cleared his throat.

‘Thanks, Pete,' he murmured, touched by the other boy's support.

‘Yeah.’ Sirius looked over at Remus then back at Peter with an odd expression on his face as he added his gratitude. ‘Thanks.’

James clapped Peter on the shoulder, making the shorter boy jump in surprise, then looked at Sirius and Remus and sighed. ‘Pete’s right,' he mumbled, blushing. 'Sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. Of course you can snog wherever the hell you like in your own dorm.' He grinned suddenly. 'I just can’t work out how you could prefer snogging someone with stubble.’

Sirius snorted and punched him on the arm. ‘I'm sure last time I snogged Evans she had a distinct five o’clock shadow…’

‘My Lily has perfectly smooth skin, thank you very much,' James retorted, hitting Sirius back. 'And as fine as I am with you two snogging, can you please get your hand off Moony’s arse? It’s quite distracting.’

Sirius chuckled, squeezing Remus’ butt cheek quickly before he let go. ‘I’ve got some stuff to do in Hogsmeade,' he said then saw James open his mouth. 'Alone, Prongs. I won't be long. I’ll see you all later.'

He paused before he moved away then, with a bashful smile, leaned in to kiss Remus chastely on the corner of his mouth. 'Bye, Moony. I promise to be a good boy.’

He smiled at Remus then left the room, blowing an overdone kiss to Wormtail and Prongs as he did.

~*~

But come lunch time, Sirius still hadn't returned. A worried Remus broke off from Peter and James after the meal and wandered through the corridors, hoping to find the other boy involved in some scheme which made him lose track of time. Instead, the brunette he found was the last one he wanted to see.

‘Lupin.'

‘I’m not in the mood, Regulus,' Remus said shortly, trying to move past the younger boy, but Regulus blocked his escape.

‘So he made his choice, huh?’ he smirked and Remus frowned.

‘Get out of my way,' he insisted.

‘I tried to give you the chance to do the breaking off last night,' Regulus said, a condescending note in his voice. 'But you had to try and keep your claws in him. You’ve only made things harder for him now - our parents are furious.’

Remus had been trying to push past Regulus, but stood stock still when the brunette’s words registered in his brain.

‘What?’ he said, his frown deepening.

Regulus looked at him, puzzled, then smirked. ‘And he calls me a fucking coward,' he said spitefully. 'He hasn’t told you yet, has he?’

His lunch churning in his gut, Remus managed to sound firm as he said, ‘Spit it out, Black.’

Regulus grinned unpleasantly. ‘My darling brother would have received an owl from our parents this morning giving him an ultimatum,' he told Remus. 'You, or his family and inheritance.’

Remus’ face collapsed in shock and Regulus smiled nastily, realising that Remus hadn't known. ‘Meet the real Sirius Black, Lupin,' he said snidely. 'He’ll always look after his own skin first and if he were to stay with you, he’d be throwing away power and reputation and more money than you can ever hope to know. You can’t compete with that, werewolf; you were foolish to think he‘d ever give that up for you.’

He gave Remus a shove, sending him stumbling back against the wall, and walked off with a laugh.

Remus didn’t move from where he'd fallen, leaning heavily against the wall as his mind spun, putting everything together.

The Blacks knew about him and Remus and had owled Sirius which meant Sirius had lied about the letter and there was no reason for him to do that unless...

Remus’ stomach twisted, threatening to send his lunch flying spectacularly all over the floor.

Unless Sirius changed his mind. Unless Sirius chose his family after all.

Remus took a shaking breath and pushed himself off the wall, his knees wobbling as he made his way to Gryffindor Tower. He ignored the calls of Peter and James who were sitting in the common room and went straight to Sirius’ bed.

He yanked open the drawers of the side table, rummaging through them quickly. There were several magazines and books shoved messily in the space and he thumbed through them, searching for the piece of parchment that was going to cost him his happiness. They revealed nothing and Remus sliced his finger open on a page of a book he’d lent the other boy for his troubles.

He swore, then as anger swelled inside him, he spun around and threw the book hard at the opposite wall. The thuds as it hit the wall then the floor were not as satisfying as Remus had hoped they’d be and he dragged a shaky hand through his hair roughly, trying to regain control.

After a few calming breaths, Remus turned back to the bed, stripping the bedclothes off and shaking them out. The pillow was knocked off the bed as he tore into it and he saw a folded piece of parchment fall out of the pillowcase. Remus threw the sheets back down onto the bed and snatched the note up.

Without any qualms about invading Sirius’ privacy, he unfolded the paper. It was headed with the Black Family Crest, a shield flanked by two canines and the words, 'Toujours Pur', scrawled proudly underneath. The black ink slashed across the letter screamed fury and Remus, somewhat reluctantly, began to read.

The anger in the words was palpable and yet again, Remus found himself wondering how any parent could speak to their child in this way. He skimmed over the words, his mind picking up crucial phrases within the venom…


‘As if you haven’t been enough of a disappointment to the family already…’

‘…mixing with half breeds and Mudbloods, sullying our respected name…’

‘…bad enough, but to have taken him into your bed…’

‘He is an abomination and you are disgusting, a disgrace if you allow this abnormality to continue…’

‘…make a choice. Your perverted lifestyle or your family…‘

‘…disowned. We shall no longer call you son. You will be dead to us…’

‘…no longer a Black.’

Remus swallowed hard, blinking back the tears that had risen in his eyes - Sirius' family had made their position very clear indeed. He drew in a shaking breath. Regardless of what Sirius might think, he did understand the brunette’s dilemma. If his dad hadn’t been so cool about him being gay, if he had offered this same ultimatum, would Remus have just dusted off his hands and said, ‘Well, fuck off then, I choose Sirius‘?

He sank down onto the bed as he considered this. He didn’t know. He would like to think that he would choose his lover, that he would choose to be true to himself, but he wasn’t one hundred percent sure.

Sirius’ parents weren’t anything like what Remus would consider ideal parents, but they were all Sirius had ever known and to him, they were normal. No matter how much they hurt him or how he proclaimed to hate them, there was still a little part of Sirius that had always hoped they would realise the mistakes they’d made and accept him for who he was. He still hoped that one day, they’d see that it didn’t matter that he was sorted in Gryffindor, or that he didn’t want to join the Dark Lord…

Or that he’s gay and sleeping with a werewolf…

Sirius cared about him - Remus knew that - but enough to turn his back forever on his family, on his inheritance?

He shouldn’t have to make that choice. He won’t have to make that choice.

Because Remus loved him enough to make it for him.

‘You alright, Moony? You look a bit sick?’

Remus looked up from where he was still sitting on Sirius’ stripped bed. James was standing at the end of the bed, his curious expression changing to one of concern when he saw Remus’ haunted eyes.

‘Moony?’

Remus handed James the note wordlessly and the bespectacled boy sat down next to him to read it.

‘Oh, shit,’ he murmured when he saw who it was from.

‘Yeah,' agreed Remus then all was quiet as James read.

He looked up at Remus a minute later. ‘It says Regulus contacted them,' he said. 'How did he find out?’

Remus quickly told James what had happened with Regulus last night and James’ face grew stormier.

‘And that little arse licker ran straight to his parents? God, I can’t believe he’s related to Sirius sometimes.’

‘Regulus was the one who told me what was in the note…not Sirius,' Remus snapped. 'Sirius took off to avoid me. He can’t face me to tell me he’s chosen to dump me and forget about his…foray into homosexuality in favour of keeping his inheritance and his place in his family.’

Remus heard the bitterness in his voice and tried to fight the feeling back. Resentment wouldn’t change the situation - it would only make this hurt all the more.

James was silent; there was none of his usual bluster and Remus took that as an ominous sign. If there was anyone else who knew how much Sirius wished his relationship with his parents was different, knew how much Sirius enjoyed the perks that came with his surname, it was James. If he wasn’t immediately telling Remus that he had nothing to worry about, then Remus’ first instinct was correct.

He was doing the right thing.

‘He doesn’t have to choose, James,' he told the silent boy. 'I’ve done it for him. He needs his family more than he needs me.’

James' forehead creased in consternation. ‘Remus, you should talk to him about this first.’

‘No. Why make it hard for him?' Remus said stubbornly. 'Look, James, I can’t ask him to choose. I won’t ask him to.’

‘He loves you.’

Remus' skin immediately prickled and his insides twisted as if he were riding a Muggle rollercoaster.

Sirius loved him?

Remus bit his lip and stared at James through rapidly filling eyes. ‘Did he…?’

‘He didn’t tell me,' James said softly. 'He didn't have to. I can see it in his face every time he looks at you.'

James let out a long breath and smiled tightly at Remus. 'I think I started to wonder about his feelings for you before you two ever got together,' he admitted. 'Merlin, he’d murder me if he knew I was telling you this, but after the...Snape thing last year, he was…’

James hesitated then shook his head despairingly. ‘I’ve never seen him so frightened before,' he whispered, staring down at his feet as he spoke. 'He was terrified that you’d never speak to him again, of what could have happened to you. He…cried. Like a baby. Got snot all over my favourite shirt.’

Remus let out a puff of breath and blinked rapidly to hide his tears from his friend. James waited a moment for Remus to compose himself then spoke again softly.

I’ve never seen him like that,' he said. 'Not when his parents locked him in his room almost all summer, not when Regulus told him he wanted nothing more to do with him, not when he finally left home last year and his parents did absolutely nothing to get him to come back…only the fear of losing you made him break. He loves you, Remus.’

Remus sighed and scrubbed at his stinging eyes, trying not to break down completely. ‘I don‘t want to be with someone who might always be wondering if he made the right choice,' he murmured and James frowned.

‘What if he wants you?' he asked. 'His family are no prizes, Moony. He’s starting to realise that they are always going to be like this, that they’ll never accept him the way he is…’

‘I can’t give him what his family can,' Remus interrupted loudly. 'You know how much he likes the perks, even when he pretends he doesn’t. He loves the attention and, though I’m sure being gay and screwing a werewolf would bring him attention, it’s not the kind of attention he craves. He’d lose all of that - and his inheritance - if he chose me. ’

‘Moony, you know what Sirius is like,' James said. 'It takes a long time for things to get through that thick skull of his and when he‘s getting what he thinks he wants…’

James flushed, uncomfortable talking about his best friend this bluntly, but he kept going.

‘He loves the attention, the respect the Black name brings. He wanted all of that when he first came here because he didn’t get any of it at home. He wanted it because he thought it meant people cared about him. He knows now that it doesn’t mean that at all and you know he tries to stay away from all that rubbish.’

Remus nodded. Sirius had been trying to stay away from the more sycophantic followers these days.

‘Well, that’s because he’s got us in some part but mainly because he’s got you,' James told him. 'He’s been confused for years about whether he wants to be a Black or disassociate himself completely. But now, since the two of you got together, I think he’s had to accept that they are never going to let him be himself and he’s ready to let them go. He loves his parents out of obligation, Remus, but he loves you because…because he couldn’t help himself. You give him everything he thought he wanted from them. Please don’t be so quick to assume he’d give you up.’

Remus took a long, shaky breath, wiping a stray tear from his cheek. He wanted so badly to believe James, to believe that Sirius Black would choose a skinny, scar-ridden werewolf over his powerful, wealthy family, but he just couldn’t allow himself to hope. His heart couldn’t take another hit - it would shatter.

‘If he was so sure about his choice, where is he?' Remus whispered. 'Why not share it with me? Why disappear?’ Remus shook his head. ‘I’ve made up my mind, James. He shouldn’t have to choose but he does, and I care for him too much to ask him to pick me over everything the Black name brings him.’

They were both quiet for almost a minute then James spoke in a very low, soft voice. ‘Do you love him?’

‘James…’

‘Do you love him, Remus?’

There was a moment of silence then Remus answered just as quietly. ‘Yes. I love him.’

‘Then now’s the time to prove it.’

Remus looked at James with a frown and saw the tousle-headed boy incline his head towards the door. He turned and saw a bashful-looking Sirius standing in the doorway.

James stood up and patted Remus on the shoulder, leaning down and whispering in his ear, 'Don't let them win. Fight for him, Moony.’

TBC...