More Ways to Kill A Weasley

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Looney Tunes. I damn sure don\'t make money from this story.



Severus Snape was in a bind. How to deter that oafish Weasley from pursuing his own object of affection any longer? Ever since she had come back to Hogwarts, Severus had felt his attraction to her growing and growing, so that now it was all he could do to refrain from bending her over a lab table or dragging her off into his supply closet. Unfortunately, Weasley was infatuated with Miss Granger, who seemed curiously blind to both Weasley\'s outrageous expressions of slavish devotion and Severus\'s own subtle hints and long, lingering stares. Perhaps she was unable to choose?



Well, it was no contest, surely, as to who should win -- Severus was older, smarter, more sophisticated, more daring, more talented in the sack and most of all, a Slytherin. Perhaps he ought to be called THE Slytherin, since he\'d managed to fool Voldemort long enough to preserve Potter\'s life, save Malfoy\'s soul and act as a triple agent for Dumbledore as well as outsmart death when the Dark Lord tried to slay him with Nagini\'s poisonous bite. Surely a goofy wizard barely out of adolescence should be simple for a one such as Snape to discourage from paying his laughable attentions to the beautiful, brainy and incredibly sexy new Potions apprentice?



Snape thought and thought, formed and discarded one plan after another, examined the conundrum from every angle. It had to be a swift, sure and irreversible move, and it must not make him look bad in front of Hermione nor get him into any legal trouble. For days Severus spent every waking moment when he was not teaching class or conducting experiments thinking about how to be rid of Weasley so that he, Severus, could woo Hermione Granger unimpeded. He consulted book after book, wrote copious notes and even drew complicated magical diagrams showing how Weasley could be eliminated as competition for Hermione\'s heart (and bed).



Finally, however, the answer hit Severus like a ton of bricks.



He had Flooed back to Spinner\'s End for another peek at Rivalry Between Wizards in the Years 1100-1400 by Phelonius Leman. While rooting in the cabinet for some tea, he had absently switched on the old Muggle telly that still stood in the dingy little kitchen of the house. His mother had let young Severus watch after school programming when he was a boy still attending the hideous Muggle elementary school he\'d gone to before leaving for Hogwarts. He was cynically amused to see that some things hadn\'t changed over the years; they still showed brainless fodder designed to hypnotize children into compliance with their overworked parents rather than teaching them anything useful. Some familiar, long-hated theme music began and Severus clenched his teeth, but after a few moments he was staring at the screen in fascination.



"That\'s it!" A cruel, delighted smile crossed his face, and without delay he shut off the TV and Flooed right back to Hogwarts.



* * * * *



Ron Weasley appeared at the gates of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry bearing an enormous and rather tasteless bouquet and some Milk Tray. Grinning widely at the thought of Hermione\'s face when she saw his gifts (despite the fact that she preferred lilies over carnations and didn\'t like Milk Tray much) he sauntered down the path to the main doors of the castle. It was a Hogsmeade weekend for the students so no one was about but Hagrid, who shook his head sadly as he caught sight of the hideous dyed flowers shuffling along with Weasley\'s legs underneath them.



Ron laboriously climbed the steps and was shifting his burden to extend a hand to knock when there was a faint whining sound. He looked around in confusion. A shadow fell over Ron, growing larger and larger as the whine increased in volume. Ron looked up only to utter his last words on this earth: "Holy shi--"



There was a loud SMASH! When the dust cleared Hagrid (who had turned away to weed his cabbage plot but had dropped his hoe and run over at the loud sound) saw an enormous black iron weight that read 100,000 POUNDS in big white letters. Weasley\'s flattened arms and legs stuck out from beneath it, along with the smashed remains of the bouquet and the box of Milk Tray. Hagrid peered upward but saw nothing and no one.



The doors flew open and Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape and Hermione came out. Hermione gasped and wrung her hands in grief when she saw Ron\'s trainers sticking out from under the weight.



"Oh dear!" McGonagall said, putting her arms around the distraught girl. Dumbledore merely shook his head sadly.



"Miss Granger, I am sorrier than I can say that your...friend has been thus dispatched. Rest assured that we will find whoever was careless enough to let that weight drop from the castle wall," Snape said smoothly. "Minerva, I will take Hermione back to the dungeons and make sure she rests quietly in her room. Perhaps someone ought to call Weasley\'s next of kin?" he added delicately.



McGonagall sniffled and nodded, releasing Hermione, who flew into Snape\'s arms sobbing hysterically. "There, there, Miss Granger. Come back to the dungeons and I shall brew up a potion to help you deal with this difficult time." He led the sobbing Hermione away.



Dumbledore, Hagrid and McGonagall stared after the pair, then down at the flattened body of Harry Potter\'s best friend. The silence stretched for a long moment. Then they all spoke at once.



"You don\'t think -- "



"Could he have -- "



"Blimey, Perfessor, but Snape -- "



They stopped, blinking at each other. Then Dumbledore smiled faintly. "I, er, well...Hagrid, I suppose you\'d better find a way to get this weight off him and, er...put him in one of the unused classrooms until Arthur and Molly can collect his remains. Minerva, you\'d better come with me to my office, where we\'ll have to inform the Weasley\'s of poor Ronald\'s unfortunate demise."



"Albus, I think -- "



"And after that," Dumbledore said, taking off his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose, "will both of you please join me in the staff lounge? I think we could all use a stiff drink."



* * * * *



Ronald Weasley\'s death was ruled "accidental" by the Ministry investigators, who could find no evidence that anybody had deliberately dropped the gigantic, cartoonish weight on him.



Harry and Hermione mourned him sincerely. Harry commissioned a sculpture of his friend to remain on the Hogwarts grounds. It portrayed Ronald Weasley as a noble hero, majestic and brimming with courage and self-assurance. It soon became a favorite place for owls to perch and defecate and for wayward students to hide behind and smoke cigarettes, drink furtive gulps of Firewhiskey, and snog in between classes.



Hermione\'s grief lasted for weeks. Fortunately, the Potions Master was unusually supporting and understanding, so much so that she couldn\'t help but develop a great fondness for him that soon blossomed into mad romance. She felt a little guilty every time they themselves snuck behind Ron\'s statue to snog, but not enough to refrain from kissing Severus.



Dumbledore, McGonagall and Hagrid were haunted by images of Weasley\'s body flattened to a quarter-inch thickness under the mysterious giant weight, and they all took to drink after that day.



And Severus Snape was a contented wizard, thanking the gods every day that he woke up with Hermione in bed beside him that he\'d managed to find and purchase that Acme Instant Ginger Wizard Eliminator after all.



Th-th-th-th-th-th-that\'s all, folks!