*Deserving Of Love*

A/N: Sorry for the delay, have been packing, trying to sublet my apartment and move states.

Please read and review!

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Remus stared into his half-empty glass, the amber liquid glinting in the dim light of the pub. He drained it in one swallow and motioned for another, hoping that getting piss-drunk would keep him from thinking anymore about what had happened earlier that night. He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on nothing, but the fuzzier his head got with alcohol the more Nymphadora’s face swam into his mind.

There was currently a slideshow playing in his head of the events of the evening: how beautiful she looked standing so shyly in front of the fireplace waiting for him, how adorably embarrassed she was every time she stepped on his feet as they danced together… These innocent images giving away to her longing stares over dinner, the feel of her pressed into his lap on the sofa and the seductive smile on her face as she stood clad in that chocolate lace negligee with pink bows… Remus shook his head to clear that image, knowing that soon enough it would turn into a crying Tonks begging him not to walk away from her, to let her explain.

He opened his eyes when he heard the clink of a glass hitting the wood bar top, the sexy vision of Tonks finally, if not briefly, dissipating into nothingness. He met the twinkling blue eyes of the bartender and nodded his thanks before he grabbed the glass and tipped half of its contents into his open mouth, wincing as the liquid burned its way to his belly.

‘I just want to be numb…’ he thought as his mind inevitably turned to Tonks and what had happened mere hours ago.

When he had woken up this morning he never thought that the night would find him sitting at the Hog’s Head downing cheap firewhiskey to forget the woman who had been on his mind for nearly a year and in his arms for only half that time. But that was exactly what he was doing, trying to drown out the memories of their six-month relationship; to wash away every kiss still blazing on his lips, to ignore the feel of every touch of her fingertips still prickling across his skin. He closed his eyes again and thought back to the moment when everything that he had cared about, everything that he had depended upon for the past six months came tumbling down around him.

*FLASHBACK*
He felt nauseated when he realized that the keys that he fished out from under the sofa belonged to Charlie Weasley. He felt even worse when Tonks’s reaction to his find seemed to cement his long-held suspicion. She paled when she saw the key and dragon key ring, her voice failing her for a second before she quietly squeaked out a response.

“Remus… it’s not –“

“I saw him leave earlier Tonks. I was walking up to your door and I saw him leave… I hated feeling so jealous of him, thinking at the time that I was overreacting, but now…” Remus trailed off and looked down at the key in his hand, all the jealousy that he felt about Charlie turning into anger directed at the woman silently standing across from him in her underwear.

“Since when do you call me Tonks?” She asked quietly, wrapping her arms around her nearly naked frame defensively as she watched him; he was sitting forward with his arms on his knees, holding the key in his hand, running his fingers absentmindedly over the metal.

“Since when do you hide things from me?” Remus answered quietly, looking up at her with a mixture of anger and sadness on his worn face. “And why does Charlie have keys to your place if nothing is going on between the two of you? How many times has he used these since we’ve been together?”

Tonks sighed loudly and placed her hands on her hips, surveying her lover of six months carefully. She had always known that he was jealous of Charlie, as well as insecure with himself, so those aspects of his reaction didn’t really surprise her. But she was absolutely astonished at the nerve he was displaying tonight, sitting in her living room, and blatantly accusing her of cheating on him with the only evidence on his side being a tiny silver key on a dragon key ring and him spotting Charlie leaving earlier that night.

What infuriated her the most about the situation was the fact that these thoughts crossed his mind, proving just how untrusting of her he was that six months into their relationship he thought, seemingly without a shadow of a doubt, that she was cheating on him.

That and the fact that she knew that deep down, no matter what she said to him at this moment, he wasn’t going to believe her anyway.

But damn if she wasn’t going to try.

“There is nothing going on between Charlie and me. Yes he HAD my keys… but he hasn’t used them in over a year before tonight. I didn’t tell you that he was here before you because… you’ve always been so jealous of Charlie and I didn’t want to even bring him up tonight.”

Tonks trailed off in a whisper, dropping her eyes to the floor and wrapping her arms around herself again. Remus dragged his eyes away from her, the look on her face making him feel guilty for thinking she could ever hurt him, all the while a tiny voice in the back of his head insisted that she was still hiding something.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, the little nagging voice growing louder and louder with ever passing second until Remus couldn’t ignore it anymore.

“I saw him leave Tonks. I watched him walk away from your front door with that damn smile on his… And you. You panicked when you saw that key. Why if nothing happened? If nothing happened between you two, then why hide that he was here tonight?”

Tonks looked up at Remus, watching his face carefully as he talked; he was still staring at his hands, not daring to look her in the eye as he demeaned her with his ridiculous questions, twirling that bloody keychain between his fingers. She wanted to rip it out of his hands and smack him upside the head with the damn thing to try to knock some sense into him.

“I already told you. I didn’t want to bring Charlie up at all tonight. Every time his name is mentioned or he talks to me you get astoundingly insecure. Remember when Charlie and I got stuck under the mistletoe at the Order Christmas party? After I kissed him, on the cheek mind you, you spent the next two hours ignoring me until Sirius told you that you were being ridiculous. Of course when I was trapped under that damn mistletoe with Fred AND George, you laughed. And they actually tried to kiss me.”

Tonks threw her hands up in frustration at this memory; she could feel herself losing patience very quickly, something she did quite often with everyone, except Remus. She knew that a relationship with him would be work, but she had spent so many nights trying to reassure him that he was the man she wanted that she couldn’t understand how he could doubt her anymore.

She also couldn’t understand his aversion to Charlie. He never showed any jealousy when she talked to any other man in his presence.

But with Charlie, it was different.

Sirius had pointed it out to her after one of the few Order meetings that Charlie had attended, after Remus had disappeared alone. She didn’t believe Sirius at first, but started noticing how Remus would be fine until Charlie paid her any attention, and then he would get quiet and draw into himself. She couldn’t understand this behavior; he didn’t act like that when she talked to Bill or Kingsley, or any other man for that matter.

True, she did have a sexual history with Charlie, but it was in the past. She didn’t fault him for his past – hell she avidly wanted to know about the women he had dated or loved in the past. Especially Lily. And he didn’t seem to mind knowing or hearing about her past relationships either.

Except for when it came to Charlie.

“Remus… what is it with Charlie? He is the only man you have a problem with me being friends with. Why is he SO threatening to you?”

She almost had to strain to hear his answer; his voice was so soft and broken as he spoke.

“Because he was the first man you ever loved… and you never forget your first love.”

Remus finally raised his eyes to meet hers as he answered, and Tonks stepped forward slightly at the look on his face. She had never seen him look so melancholy before and it nearly broke her heart to look at him. She knew he thought about Lily quite often, but she never felt threatened by the memory of her. After he conversation with Sirius so long ago, she realized that she didn’t need to compete with the ghost of Lily Evans. Of course Lily wasn’t around either. She couldn’t say how she would feel if Lily had been present in his life, rather that just the faint presence she already was. But she didn’t want to bring this up; she was secure with knowing that Remus loved Lily, and didn’t feel the need to remind him of her anymore tonight.

Tonks walked carefully toward Remus, dropping to her knees to sit in front of him. She took one of his hands and placed a soft lingering kiss on the back of it, then held it tightly between her slightly shaking ones in his lap. She looked up at him, smiling faintly when his sad eyes met hers.

“Remus… you’re my first love. You are the first man I have ever been in love with. Yes I have had relationships in the past. Yes Charlie was one of them. But I never loved any of those other guys. I never loved Charlie. Not how I love you.”

She leaned down and pressed her cheek against his hand as she watched him. She could tell that he was struggling with himself to believe her; she could see the battle between his dust-covered heart and the self-deprecating part of his character flickering across his face. It was a battle she was familiar with - it constantly raged inside of him. He was forever struggling with the fact that people loved him despite a part of him believing that he wasn’t deserving of it.

This is what made him push her away so many times, and she recognized this jealousy over Charlie, these accusations of her being unfaithful as just another tactic to push her away because he didn’t feel like he deserved her. She was growing weary of this game, and desperately hoped that eventually his heart would win the fight, that eventually his insecurities would fade with the realization that she loved him.

“I love you. You are the first man I have ever said that to. And I will do anything to make you realize that.”

She trailed off and looked up at him, his eyes still showing his internal struggle. She knew that he was debating on whether to believe her or not, and it made her sad to know that he had to convince himself to be able to be loved. She rested her chin against his thigh and tickled her fingers along the back of his knee for a few minutes before continuing, her voice soft and soothing as she spoke carefully.

“We’ve got to be able to trust each other Remus. I trust you. No questions asked. I would never do anything to compromise our relationship; I’ve worked too hard for it. And I’m not going to give up on you. But you have to trust me. If you don’t trust me, then this relationship is not going to work.”

Tonks trailed off and nuzzled his leg gently, sighing softly at the feel of his warmth bleeding through the material of his pants onto her face.

Suddenly, Remus stood up; his abrupt movements knocking Tonks back onto the floor. She stared up at him in complete shock, not quite sure what had happened, her face not quite believing as she saw him headed toward the staircase. He stopped at the top of the stairs and looked at her for a second, the exquisite sadness he had worn earlier back on his face.

“I’m sorry Nymphadora… but like you said, this relationship just won’t work without trust.”

He turned from her and walked down the steps quickly, ignoring her protesting cries and the sound of her getting to her feet to come after him. He could feel her pleading words chipping away at his resolve, and knew that he had to get as far away from her as possible before she pulled him back in.

He heard a sob break out from Tonks as he opened the door, the noise causing his chest to tighten with the knowledge that he was the one who caused her that pain. He shut the door so the sound couldn’t escape with him and he hurried through the slushy streets to a safe spot to apparate to, knowing that at any minute she would be right out that door after him. He shivered in the cold, realizing that in his cowardly retreat he forgot his coat. He pulled out his wand in the shadow of a large tree before turning to look back at her door briefly before vanishing. She was in her doorway, looking for him as she slid down the doorframe to a sitting position, her hands moving to wipe away the torrents of tears falling down her face. He could hear her crying from where he was standing, and a part of him nearly turned back to go comfort her and beg for her forgiveness for his foolishness. But the stronger part, the part that told him that it was better this way, she was better off without him, was in control as he lifted his wand and envisioned a destination.

“Hogsmeade…”

*END FLASHBACK*

Now nearly five hours later, he still couldn’t get the vision of a crumpled Tonks crying in her doorway out of his mind. He can’t be sure why he had acted like he had – not even listening to her try to explain what had happened that night with Charlie, and especially walking out on her so cruelly.

He was confused.

The part of him that was always cautious to start a relationship in the first place was telling him that he was better off alone, less dangerous, less of a threat to her and that the smartest thing he had ever done was walk out tonight. It claimed that she had been the one who lied, therefore walking out was justified.

The emotional part of him was overwhelmed with guilt at what he had done: accusing her of cheating, not believing her at all when she tried to explain, taking her plea for trust as an exit strategy. Then there were the tears that he caused her, and the sounds of her crying after him as he walked out on her so callously. The memory of how much pain he had caused the woman he loved, the woman who loved him, earlier that night played over and over inside of his head, causing his guilt to grow with each passing second.

His rational side on the other hand argued that it had not been present at all that evening, and wouldn’t take any of the blame for what had taken place.

And his body whole-heartedly worked against him when it began missing her. He could still feel her lips on his, the way she fit perfectly in his arms when he held her, he could still smell the sweet jasmine of her shampoo on his skin. He literally ached for her, his skin tingling unbearably in anticipation for her touch.

He dropped his head to the bar counter and smacked it a few times against the wood, hoping that the pain he was inflicting on himself would somehow erase all the damage he had done tonight. He knew he was a fool. Even before he had apparated to this god-forsaken pub he knew that.

“I’m a coward…” He mumbled against the bar top, hoping that they would echo off of the wood and sink into his thick head.

His thoughts were interrupted with the sound of heavy footsteps getting closer to him and the slight squeak of a barstool as someone sat down next to him. He kept his head down, not caring if he knew the person next to him or not, he didn’t want to talk to anyone anyhow. The only two people he wanted to see were Sirius and Tonks. But seeing as Sirius was one of the most wanted wizards in the wizarding world, he was pretty positive that he wasn’t sitting on that barstool. And seeing as Tonks probably hated him at this point, and rightly so, it was a safe bet that she wasn’t at his side either. So he decided to ignore them and keep his head on the counter, hoping that the repeated slamming of his skull that he was doing a few minutes ago would kick in and he would simply pass out.

Unfortunately he wasn’t unconscious enough to not recognize the voice of the stranger next to him as he ordered a pint. It trickled it slowly, cutting through the haze that the alcohol had left in his head. Remus raised his head slowly, turning to look at the last person he wanted to see at that particular moment.

Charlie Weasley.