Unrequited

It seemed like the rest of term sped by. It was now Christmas holiday and I had to make the choice to go home or stay at Hogwarts. It was not my usual custom to stay. We always had lavish Christmas celebrations at the Manor. From what my mother had written, this year would be no different. As a matter of fact, it seemed that it would be even more so now that Lucius wasn\'t there to put his dark spin on everything.

Mother had said nothing about Hermione in her letters, but she knows that I wouldn\'t go home without her. It put me in an unusual dilemma: who to appease, my wife or my mother? Hermione hadn\'t said anything, but I was thinking that she wanted to go to her parents\' home for Christmas. She hadn\'t, to my knowledge, gone home for the holiday since she was eleven. That had to have some sort of effect on her parents. Perhaps that was the reason they insisted that she spend at least half of her summer holiday with them.

These were the thoughts that occupied me during the Potions final. That\'s when it happened. I was supposed to add one teaspoon of crushed black tea leaves. But instead I used orange pekoe. Instead of foaming brilliant red and subsiding into pink, the mixture turned a sickly purple and became of a disgustingly thick consistency. Before I had a chance to Vanish the potion and start again, a bell rang and I looked up, horrified. The sand in the hour glass was out and the students were ladling their potions into sample vials.

Of course, Hermione\'s was the perfect pink colour of Turkish Delight. A rage I hadn\'t known I possessed welled up inside me. It was mixed with indignation at the fact that this mere...Muggle had so completely ensnared me. It was obvious she didn\'t suffer from the same fate. She had been able to put me from her mind to brew a lovely potion. How could I have allowed myself to sink so low?

I didn\'t even leave Snape a sample. I just left the bubbling mess on the tabletop and walked out.
********************

I saw Draco leave after flashing me a look of utter disgust. I had no idea what was wrong and I fought the urge to go after him. I bottled up my sample and left it on Snape\'s desk. The Potions Master flicked his eyes in the direction of Draco\'s cauldron and I took that route on my way out of the classroom. One glance at the now solid, unVanished amethyst coloured goo told me why Draco was upset. I sighed, thinking about how absolutely pissed off my husband was.

I left the room but didn\'t see him anywhere. Pulling out my wand, I did a Locator spell on Draco. A thin silvery line appeared on the floor, marking the direction he took. I followed the line down the corridor and up the stairs to the main floor. Once there, instead of continuing up the staircase to our chamber, the line went outside the doors. I continued along it to the unlikeliest of places: the Owlery.

I opened the door to see Draco looking out of the opened shutters. The birds were hooting restlessly, aggravated by having their sleep disturbed. Walking in, I closed the door silently and went to him. I put my hand on his arm but he just shook it off angrily.

\"I know you\'re angry, darling, but -\"

\"What would you know about it? You\'ve never failed at anything in your life!\"

\"That\'s utter shit, Draco. I\'m not God, I\'m not perfect.\"

He let out a derisive snort and turned to face me with a disgusted sneer. \"You know what makes me livid about it?\"

\"What?\" I asked, innocently, leaning against the wall.

\"The fact that I was thinking of *you* when I fucked up. It\'s you, Hermione. It\'s always been you!\" He suddenly raised his fist, punching the stones by my head. \"Why? Why you of all people?!\"

I was frozen by his unexpected show of violence. In this mood, I couldn\'t risk saying anything, so I just stood there, looking at him. I admit it, I was afraid. He knew it.

\"That\'s one of the things my father used to harp on, you know.\" He turned away from me to stare out of the window again. \"He never could understand how you, a mere mu-Muggleborn and a *woman* to boot, could continually best me. He used to berate me for being distracted, for not applying the proper focus to the important things in life. I couldn\'t tell him that what I was distracted by was you.\" He faced me again, his colour high. \"Why?!\" He asked again, a desperate note to his voice.

All I could do was whisper, \"I don\'t know, Draco.\"

\"Just leave me alone, Hermione.\"

I fled, not knowing what else to do.
*****************

I had no idea why I reacted as violently as I did. I suspected that I was using my failing Potions grade as an excuse to push her away. I was treating her like a real wife, and she, Merlin help her, treated me like a real husband. It was becoming easier and easier to succumb to her charms, using the baby as an excuse. However, that excuse was becoming ever more flimsy by the day.

I genuinely enjoyed Hermione\'s company, her wit, her warmth, even her flashes of temper. But somewhere in the back of my mind it always galled me a little bit that she was the one who filled me. Even during my long silence of far-off admiration, I tried to resist. But I couldn\'t. She lured me without saying a word. And yeah, I was pissed off because she outdid me *again*. I loosened my tie and breathed deeply.

Fuck. She probably thinks I\'m a raging psycho now. Just when it seems like we\'ve taken a step forward, we end up taking two steps back. I loved her, yes, alright. I do. But I resented her as well. She was everything I wanted to be: brilliant, popular, respected. Who was I but the Slytherin snot? Over the years I\'d done nothing but alienate my peers and cling to my fellow Slytherins and now even they wanted nothing to do with me. The only one I had to cling to was Hermione. And I\'ll be damned if I lean on her. I\'ve got too much self-respect for that. But I\'ve gone and ruined the tenuous connection we\'d established. Now I would have to work to get it back. If I could get it back.
*******************

Stupid hormones. My encounter with Draco in the Owlery didn\'t make me angry. It made me sad. And when I got sad I was a veritable waterworks. I tried to make my way unnoticed through the students meandering around the halls without them seeing my tears. Unfortunately, I couldn\'t move as quickly as I would\'ve liked. I heard them whispering at me, about me. It only added to what I was feeling. At least I managed to get to my room without being stopped.

I took off my robes and the stupidly uncomfortable uniform. I\'d been forced to owl my mother to send me a set of - ugh - maternity jeans. I put those on along with one of Dad\'s shirts that I\'d knicked from his closet.

Oddly enough, I understood why Draco was angry. I felt that way on so many different days. Why should he have been the one? I was perplexed and sometimes angry, too. Hell, if I\'d have totally mucked up my potion, who knows how I would\'ve reacted? Still, I was a bit shaken at the barely suppressed violence within him. I had no idea what his trigger would be on any given day and that was a problem - especially with a baby to consider.

I sank into a chair, trying puzzle it all out. I knew from previous experience that Draco wasn\'t averse to retaliation when he felt wronged. I held my head in my hands. What a coil. I thought we had come past all that. But now we were right back where we started and I had no idea of how to get back to where we were.
**********************

When I walked into the room, I saw her sitting in one of the wing chairs in our common room. She looked as miserable as I felt. My gut was stinging with guilt over how badly I\'d behaved with her in the Owlery. I would never intentionally hurt her. I knew that was what was running through her mind. I felt like I could read it as clear as crystal. She not only had herself to think of but also the person currently residing in her body. I felt like dirt thinking about that scene. I had no idea of what to say to her. Oh, God. What a mess.

\"Come back to grovel for forgiveness?\" There was an odd tone in her voice.

\"Of course I have.\" I felt wrung out and utterly penitent.

\"What if I don\'t have the energy to do it, Draco? Then what?\" She sounded weary. My poor bride of only two months.

\"Then I don\'t know, Hermione.\" I sat down in the chair opposite her. \"Would you feel better if you hit me?\"

A smile. A crack in the wall. \"Probably.\"

\"Then take your best shot.\"

She looked at me, finally. \"You\'re not worth it, Malfoy.\" But she was smiling a little when she said it.

\"I know.\" I grimaced. \"I\'m a shit and everybody knows it.\"

She got up and perched on the arm of my chair. \"You\'re redeemable. Otherwise, I\'d not be bothered.\" Hermione put her arm across my shoulders and gave me comfort. \"But if you pull this shit again, I\'ll put you out on the kerb with the rest of the rubbish.\"

\"Understood,\" I replied and slipped my arms around her middle.
***********************************************************************

When we awoke the next morning, there were three letters in the smouldering embers. It was the scent of burning parchment that finally woke us up. Our night had been hard and long. Neither of us slept very well, even though we\'d made our peace. For the first time since we\'d been married, we\'d slept apart. I found that my bed had grown lumpy with disuse, having slept in her bed most of the time. It was enough to prostrate myself at her feet just to have my comfortable sleeping place back. However, I let stupid pride keep me there. Stupid, stupid.

When I saw Hermione bent over the grate picking the owl post out of the ash, I couldn\'t help but notice the smudges under her eyes. It made me feel better that she\'d had just as bad a night as I. She shot me a dirty look and opened the seal on the first letter.

\"It\'s an invitation from your mother. She wants us to join her for the holiday.\" Her voice was distinctly unenthused.

\"You don\'t sound very excited about it.\"

She quirked her eyebrow at me. \"Spend three weeks with a woman who clearly hates me, Draco? I\'d rather stick a needle in my eye.\"

\"Mother doesn\'t hate you.\"

\"Liar.\"

\"Well, maybe a little.\"

\"See!\"

\"But that\'s only because she doesn\'t *know* you well enough, Hermione!\"

\"Bull*shit*, Draco.\" She had that mulish set to her mouth. That meant that the discussion was closed - for now. Hermione tossed the letter onto the pie crust table and opened the second piece of correspondence. I noted that it was a plain white envelope, not parchment. Must be from her parents.

\"It\'s from Mum. She says she doesn\'t expect us to come for the entire holiday, but that she would, at least, like to have us for Christmas and Boxing Day.\" Oh no. I saw her mouth go all soft again. That meant that I had to spend my Christmas with those...Muggles.

\"*If* I go with you to your parents\' you have to agree to spend some time at the manor.\"

\"Do I honestly have to?\"

\"Unless you want to spend entirely separate Christmases, sweet wife.\" She shot me a look that would\'ve frozen my two best friends off if she\'d have put any magic behind it.

\"If we\'re to make a go of this mess, I suppose I must give in.\" Hermione took the parchment from the table, tossed both letters into the fire and lit them with a quick shot of sparks from the end of her wand. I must remember to try to stay out of her way for the rest of the day.
*************************

I was still rattled from yesterday. They fact that we\'d spent our first night apart didn\'t make my mood any better. When I got that nicely dressed command from Narcissa that just set me over the top. I\'ve had just about enough from both her and her rotten son. Understanding Draco doesn\'t make me any more accepting of his behaviour.

Also, I was crabby because I couldn\'t find a damn thing that fit me. Thanks to the potion Snape gave me, instead of being three months pregnant, I was now nearly five.In exasperation, I gave the well worn jeans and shirt a cleaning with my wand and tossed them onto my bed.

I didn\'t want to go to the manor at all. First off, while I wasn\'t exactly scared of Narcissa, the woman did make me uneasy. She never made a secret of the fact that she hates me, hates the fact that I\'m pregnant, and hates everything I represent. A fool would have to stay unintimidated in the face of such unrelenting loathing. Second, I did not want to be holed up with her and Draco in the same space for two straight weeks. The two of them were simply unnatural. Then again, what did I expect from a couple of dyed in the wool Purebloods? The sheer amount of inbreeding was staggering, to say the least. Oh, God. And those genes have mixed with mine. Damnit, damnit, damnit.

I went into our en suite and turned on the taps of the shower. While the water warmed up, I brushed my teeth. Well, scoured is the more appropriate word. When I took my brush from my gums I was a little horrified to see traces of pink on the bristles. Hastily rinsing, I examined my gums. They looked a little red, but otherwise healthy. Damnit. I tossed off my nightclothes and stepped under the hot water.

I scrubbed my skin just as hard as I did my mouth. I wanted to wash away all traces of yesterday and I watched the tainted bubbles float down the drain. I felt my anger begin to melt away. At least I would be able to spend the best two days of my holiday with my folks. I missed them, that wasn\'t any secret. I missed Muggle London, to tell the truth. I missed poking around Oasis and Monsoon on a lazy Sunday. I missed going to a regular library with books that didn\'t float around the room or that tried to maim you with a single bite.

Thoroughly disgusted again, I switched off the taps and got out. I toweled off roughly and in my agitation, I woke the alien. Harder flutterings than before rippled across my insides. Apparently it wasn\'t very happy. Well, good. That makes two of us. I patted the rigid mound of my stomach and the baby calmed itself. I couldn\'t help but grin at the thought that the two of us were in it together. Silly mushy Mummy feelings. I wrapped the towel around myself and left the bathroom.

Draco was standing there, arms folded across his chest, tapping his foot impatiently. \"Took you long enough. What\'d you do, fall asleep?\"

\"Shut up.\" Not the cleverest of comebacks, but that\'s the only thing I wanted from him right then. I went into my bedroom and slammed the door. I heard the bathroom door slam in answer.

I put on the largest pair of knickers I posessed and a bra, which I was beginning to spill out of. Crap. I took it off and applied an Engorgement Charm to the cups. Ah. That was better. Again with the shirt and jeans. I slipped on socks and trainers. Snapping an elastic on my hair, which was becoming quite long and unruly again, I left our chambers and went down to breakfast.

As I was sitting at the nearly deserted table eating a perfectly satisfactory breakfast and poring over the latest Daily Prophet, I caught the sight of Draco coming in. It only made me even angrier. He looked polished, rich and so yummy I wanted to scream. It wasn\'t fair that he should look better than ever while I was beginning to resemble nothing so much as a whale.

I twitched the corned I\'d folded down back up and proceeded to studiously ignore him. But then I heard the soft tapping of leather-shod footsteps approaching. He wouldn\'t. He couldn\'t. He effing did! I sighed in resignation and looked at him as he sat down across from me.

\"Are you going to stay angry for the rest of the day?\" he asked, one blond brow arched in irritation.

\"It\'s an option.\"

He sighed heavily. \"Hermione, please. We can\'t keep going on like this.\"

\"And I\'d rather not discuss our marital problems with the whole of Hogwarts!\" Thoroughly annoyed, I slapped the paper down on the table and left him sitting there.
***************

I watched her walk away. Even though I was, as I said before, a shit...it seemed that I was not getting off the hook this time. I would have to do something spectacular and soon.

\"Problems at home, Draco?\" I heard a silky voice sneer. Great. Fantastic. Just what I needed - a smarmy Snape grinning over my shoulder.

I turned to look at him balefully. \"Mind your own business, Godfather.\"

\"A word of advice?\" he offered.

\"From you? The eternal bachelor? Why don\'t you come see me when you\'re married with a grumpy, moody pregnant wife.\" I got up and walked away, hearing the sound of his rumbly chuckles in my ears.

She was waiting for me right outside the doors. I spared her a quick glance and watched as she tried to keep up with me. I took a perverse amusement out of watching her nearly waddling to match my strides. But I decided that that was enough cruel torture and slowed down. I heard her give an audible sigh of relief and we fell into step.

\"I\'ve been thinking.\"

\"Uh-oh. Beware the wife when she\'s been thinking.\"

\"Shut up.\" She glared at me. \"As I was saying, I\'ve been thinking. You\'re right. We can\'t go on like this. How about we just forget that yesterday happened and we go back to our truce?\"

I stopped and looked her, mouth agape like a guppy. \"You\'re shitting me, Granger, aren\'t you?\"

She snorted. \"I shit you not, Malfoy. A nice, clean start. How about it?\"

\"Alright, who are you and what have you done with my wife?\" I asked disbelievingly. It just couldn\'t be that easy.

\"In the spirit of the season and the fact that I know that I completely aced my exams, I extend the white flag.\" She stuck out her palm.

I gritted my teeth. She knew I\'d completely failed the Potions exam. \"This isn\'t one of those dirty Hermione tricks, is it? I\'m not going to break out in spots that spell \'fink\' or something else horrid am I?\"

\"No, I swear. Girl Guide Honour.\"

\"You weren\'t a Girl Guide.\"

\"It\'s the *gesture*, Draco.\"

I eyed her warily, but in the spirit of wanting to be agreeable, I agreed. We shook on it.

\"Well, now that that\'s taken care of, I suppose we should talk about what to do about the holidays,\" she said.

\"I thought we\'d decided.\"

She wrinkled her nose. \"I haven\'t.\"

\"Oh?\"

\"I\'ll agree to stay with you at the manor only if we can spend equal time at my parents\' house. None of this \"two days out of the whole holiday\" stuff.\"

\"Hermione, that\'s an entire week.\"

She grinned toothily. \"So it is.\"

\"How am I supposed to get along without magic for an entire week?\"

\"You\'ll make do, I suppose. I do.\"

I\'d forgotten. Hermione had to deal with the \'no magic outside of Hogwarts\' rule as well. If she could deal with it, I suppose I could as well. Besides, I\'d give her no excuse to continue to be angry with me. I wanted no more rows.

\"Fine,\" I said, grudgingly.

\"Honest?\" She looked surprised that I agreed.

\"Yes, Hermione, honest,\" I replied, sneering. \"Besides, it will be interesting seeing how *Muggles* live. OW!\" She popped me a hard one right in my gut.

\"Serves you right, you pompous ass,\" she said, shaking her small fist. \"Don\'t forget, *I* am a Muggle.\"

\"How ever could I forget?\" I drawled.

\"Back to mudbloods and purebloods, then, *husband*?\" She asked me archly.

I thought about the lingering stinging in my stomach. \"Nope.\"

\"Good,\" she purred. \"Very good. You just might be trainable.\"