Strong Enough

CH 21 SOMEDAY

Zephyr, will you marry me?!?
Thanks at the bottom
Not mine, boo hoo!!

“How the hell did we wind up like this?
Why weren’t we able?
To see the signs that we missed
try to turn the tables.
Now the stories played out like this
just like a paperback novel
lets re-write an ending that fits
instead of a Hollywood horror
Someday, some how
gonna make it alright, but not right now
I know you’re wondering when
you’re the only one that knows that”

-Someday, Nickelback

Hermione stayed calm just long to say a quhello too to a couple of fifth year Ravenclaws who were walking in the grounds. Once she was sure they were gone she sunk down against a tree by the lake and began to sob.

She had never dreamed that anyone would find out what had gone on between Lucius and herself. It was her darkest secret. She had kept it inside for two years, she had been nineteen and he had taken her virginity. When she was younger, she used to think that being a virgin and saving yourself for someone special was the right thing to do.

By the time she had left school and been recruited, she knew that it was a foolish fantasy, and when the opportunity arose to get close to Lucius she took it, even though it meant lying to her friends and colleagues.

He had been charming and polite to her, the first time she had met him. She had been looking for dark arts books to research in Knockturn alley, and was wearing a glamour as she didn’t want anyone to see her there.

He had approached her and struck up a conversation about the book she was looking at, offering to let her look at his extensive library over dinner at the manor. What followed was the most perverse, degrading, physically and emotionally draining six months of her life, culminating in a fight so terrible, that she still marveled at how she had got out alive.

She had never really thought about how dangerous what she was doing was, until that last day. She was so badly injured, she nearly splinched herself, getting back to America before anyone noticed she had gone as she had done for the last two months of her stay there.

It had taken nearly a week to mend all her wounds, but by the time she was due back home, she was almost as good as new and had managed to lock her time with Lucius away in her mind where she had hoped it would stay.

As it turned out, the whole affair hadn’t been a waste of time. He had given her a lot of information that had helped her with her mission and had found out quite a lot about Lucius himself, like, he wasn’t as loyal to Voldemort as he would have people believe. He had told Hermione that he just liked the power and status it gave him. She had always vowed to bring him in herself, but had yet to accomplish the task. He and Severus remained the only two opponents she had never been able to beat.

Silent tears were still running down her face as she shivered and reached into her shirt pocket for her cigarettes. She wasn’t wearing her s ans and only had on a thin black shirt. She was quite glad she had decided on the leather trousers and boots that morning, so at least her bottom half was warm.

\"He liked my boots.\" She sniffed to herself.

(Ok Hermione, enough. Get a fucking grip on yourself. The man just used you and damn near broke your heart and you are fixating on the fact that he liked your boots.) She didn’t know where that thought had come from.

\"Fuck, I used to be so tough. I vowed that if I ever came back here that I would kill him, or at the very least, badly hurt him, and here I am three months later crying like a baby over him.\" She lit her cigarette.

(Yes darling, and you can carry on being the meanest, toughest, most hardhearted witch in the wizarding world if it helps you sleep better at night, but do yourself a favor and admit that you have finally met your match and because you cannot beat him, because he is your equal in everything you do, you are falling in love with him. Not sixth year love, adult, real life love. It’s not all flowers and romance. Don’t kid yourself that it’s going to be pretty, this is real. Get used to it.)

\"Why didn’t I see this coming?\"

(You did my dear. On the rock that day, when he told you that he had kissed you because he had wanted to, and you knew then, that he was it.)

She knew that the little voice in her head was, as always, spot on. But what the hell was she going to do now?

~*~*~*~

Severus rinsed his mouth out with water and looked at himself in the mirror.
He didn’t know what had possessed him to act that way or say that to her, but being spiteful was his defense mechanism. She had hurt him, so he hurt her.

\"She just looked so broken.\" He said to his reflection, the ever present scowl deepening.

(Well you are Severus Snape; the most feared and despised professor to ever walk the halls of Hogwarts. If you can‘t break her then no one can.) Said the voice in his head, sarcastically.

(I don’t know what you are playing at, but you need to sort it out. She is a once in a lifetime woman. She is what you have always secretly wanted; highly intelligent, beautiful, fiercely loyal, mentally and physically strong. You have always known this, and that is why you push her away, to punish yourself for things you did years ago and have paid for a hundred times over.)

\"Don’t forget, she is also opinionated, stroppy, short tempered and stubborn.\" He said aloud.

(Yesss... well, you are really just describing yourself, aren’t you? So that is a pathetic excuse. You have to tell her, you are in love with her.)

\"Oh bollocks.\" He sighed wearily, \"When did this happen?\"

(You know full well when. When she out bluffed you in the great hall. When you realized that she would actually tell the whole school about the two of you if you didn’t speak to her. Now, go and put it right. It’s not goto bto be a bundle of laughs, but this could be the real thing, and you’d be a fool to not find out if she feels the same way.)

He straightened resignedly, \"What’s the worst that could happen?\"

(Well she could kill you)

\"Right, thanks.\" He grabbed his robes and walked out of the lab.

~*~*~*~

The cold winter air hit him as he stepped out of the side door, which led directly from the dungeons to the grounds.

He looked up at the sky. It was slate gray and very dark, as evening drew in.
He spotted one or two students hurrying inside to dinner. He had heard them all laughing and joking as they passed his lab earlier.

Dumbledore had told all of the teachers that if the children had to stay at school during the holidays then he would make sure that, war or not, they would have a Christmas to remember and was living up to that promise, with games and activities going on all that week.

He looked around to see if he could spoy siy sign of her, and sure enough, by the lake he could see a puff of smoke. As he started towards the lake he felt his stomach tighten with anticipation.

He stopped by big oak tree and found her sitting below it, staring out at the lake. She looked up to see him standing beside her, and, as he took in her tearstained face, he felt his heart twist.

He sat down beside her and leant his head back to rest on the tree trunk

\"I apologize, Hermione. You didn’t deserve what I did and you didn’t deserve what I said. I didn’t mean it. It was said out of spite and jealousy and if I could take it back I would.\"

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. \"I’m not an innocent in all this Severus, in the last few months I have been just as cruel and hurtful, not because I meant it but because I was angry. I apologize, I’m sorry.\"

\"Will you tell me what happened between the two of you?\" He asked bluntly.

\"Between me and Lucius, I thought you already had the gory details?\" She bit out, sarcastically, then stopped herself. He was trying to make amends, she should at least hear him out.

\"I have his side of it, I‘m sure your version is quite different,\" he said, not quite sure if he really wanted to know.

\"I can’t Severus, not yet. It was a long time ago but it’s still too hard to talk about. I have my reasons, I’m sorry.\" She wanted to tell him, but she was afraid he would leave again.

He felt his his heart was being squeezed in a vice. \"One day then,\" he said resignedly

His head jerked up as he felt her hand entwine with his.

\"I’m scared.\" She said softly, a single tear of confusion rolling down her cheek

\"You will be alright Hermione, you are one of life\'s survivors.\"

\"That’s not what I’m scared of. I can fight any enemy and be pretty sure of winning, I can work out nearly any problem put in front of me and I’ve never been afraid of dying. I’m afraid of this,\" she gestured to the two of them, \"of us\"

He stared out across the grounds, mind whirling.

\"Yes, I know that kind of fear.\" He said, roughly.

They sat there in silence for what seemed like hours, both afraid to make the first move. Both afraid of the damage they could do to each other if they got any deeper in.

Severus stood up, brushed himself off and offered his hand to Hermione. She took it and he pulled her up to him. He reached out to cup her face in his hands and gently lowered his face to hers, kissing her softly on the lips. She wrapped her arms around his neck and responded to him, parting her lips to deepen the kiss. Severus broke away first, putting his arms around her and resting his chin on the top of her head.

\"I am a difficult man by nature. I have been an evil man in my past. I do not have a lot of time for people. I am used to being on my own and not used to being challenged. I have seen and done some monstrous things and I am not proud of them, they have made me hard and unforgiving, but they have made me who I am now.\" He said quietly, kissing the top of her head.

\"Well Dumbledore didn‘t say we were alike for nothing, but I think we could be stronger together than apart,\" she smiled, \"either that or we will kill each other. I’m willing to try if you are.\" She said determinedly.

\"I am.\" He said, as they walked side by side back up to the castle.

Drop your linen and start your grinning!!

Zephyr ; You are a goddess. When my muse gets back I’m going to drag her sorry arse out into the street and tell her I don’t need her anymore coz I’ve got you!! big kisses X

Nesscafe ; O.K. I take no responsibility for exploding computers, I’ll have to start calling you Neville Longbottom!! It will get better for them, eventually!! but never mind me are we going to get another chapter of ‘Confessions’ or are you just going to leave me wanting more, coz you know two can play that game *evil grin* !!

Deb ; *Blushes* thanks Deb. You will be pleased to hear that the writers block is slowly lifting yay!! I like the tied to the chair thing, can we expect a fic from you soon including this chair bondage?!?

PotionsMistressM ; yeah you’re right, I am evil *grins* but that’s why ya love me!! I thought the whore line would get the blood boiling, I actually got those lines from a film and can claim no credit I’m afraid, but I’m amazed at how many reviewers here and at L&LS are mad at Sev. That makes me feel really good that it can have that effect on the them, knowing how much they all love him

jkrazed ; Welcome and thanks for reviewing. Yes angry sex is the best! there will be more!!

Estrilda ; Ooh yes begging is good, but for you I will always update as soon as I can, as you have reviewed every chapter!! thanks darling!!

Slytheringriffindor ; I thought throwing in Lucius would add an interesting jealousy to it, and it worked!! Thanks.

Well ladies, I have good news. Last night I delivered the next seven chapters to Queen Zephyr (which is what I’m calling her now!) with a desperate plea for help, and this morning, after what I am sure was an exhausting night for her, she delivered me from writers block!!! woo hoo!!

She has plot bunnies biting her left right and centre and she has very generously and patiently brainstormed them with me! I am back on track yay!!

I’ll keep you posted

Once again a huge thanks for taking the time to read and review, it really does make my day!!
Kisses
GrrArrg

P.s If you haven’t already please check out http://www.lordandladysnape.net you won’t be sorry!!