Love is Blind

Chapter 20

Hermione sat in the potions lab trying to concentrate on the dictation from the stone in her ear. Her mind just couldn’t stay focused. Her thoughts kept drifting back to Severus and the possible healing of her eyes. It had been three days since he dropped the bomb on her. She knew she should be excited about her eyesight being restored, but instead she dreaded it.

She had become accustomed to Severus being around all the time. Not just to help her, but just being there. Would he still be there if she didn’t need him anymore? Her heart ached at that thought. She knew that she was in love with Severus, but had yet to utter those three cursed words. She also wondered if he was in love with her.

What Hermione really needed was someone to talk to. She missed Harry and Ron, but knew that they would be the last people on this earth that would want to talk about Severus – well besides Sirius, that is.

She could always talk to Ginny. Hermione and the youngest Weasley had become close friends over Hermione’s last three years at Hogwarts and still kept in touch. The problem was that Ginny was now married to Draco Malfoy. Hermione knew that if she talked to Ginny, she would inevitably tell her husband that her best friend has a thing for his ex-Head of House, who also happened to be his godfather. Knowing Draco as Hermione did, he would in no doubt try to make sure that she and Severus got together. He may not say it out right to Severus, but the way his Slytherin mind worked made Hermione leery of that route.

Hermione wished her mother were around to speak to. She had never gotten the chance to have one of those mother/daughter lovesick heart-to-heart talks. Hermione had been jealous of her friends that could talk to their mums and get the answers to some of life’s more important questions. Hermione would never have that.

She tried to think of anyone that she could trust her innermost fears and emotions with. Minerva? No, the oil and water style repartee between she and Severus would cause her opinion to undoubtedly be biased. Albus? Maybe… No, his omniscience was beyond scary. He would just sit there smiling while his damnable blue eyes twinkled.

Hermione was brought out of her musings by a knock at the door. Hermione knew who it was before Winky had led him into the room. The sound of his footsteps, soft and unhurried, and the scent of grass and rain gave him away.

“Remus!”

“G’morning, ‘Mione,” he said cheerfully as he kissed her on the cheek.

“What are you doing here? It’s not Tuesday.”

“Being the wonderful friend that I am, I have noticed that you have been off in your own world for the past few days. I figured that you needed a break and might want to escape these dungeons and go for a walk with me.”

Hermione smiled. This was the answer to her prayers; Remus, of course. Remus had supported the idea of she and Severus from the beginning and she knew he would be honest. He had stood up for them against his best friend. She decided that Remus was the perfect confidante. “That sounds great.” She said before she had Remus scribble a note to the potions master about her whereabouts.

The two friends walked out onto the grounds and toward the lake. Remus couldn’t believe the strides that Hermione had made in just a few weeks. She no longer needed someone to guide her around but Winky stayed around just in case. Between the stone, the cane, and Hermione’s extensive knowledge of the castle and grounds, she could go anywhere and do anything that she wanted. She had learned wandless magic from he and Severus and though she barely used it, she was very good at it. The way she had overcome all the obstacles thrown at her amazed him. A proud smile graced his face.

Remus had been watching Hermione over the past week. Her emotional state had gone from happy and glowing to depressed and reclusive. The past couple of days had been the worst. She had become withdrawn, even with Severus, especially with Severus. Remus wasn’t sure what was going on, but he intended to find out.

Hermione let Remus guide her to the rock under the beech tree where she, Ron and Harry used to sit during school. Before she even sat down, Remus asked her what was wrong.

“Honestly, Remus. I don’t know. I should be happy right now, but I’m not.” She said plainly.

Remus was confused. “Layman terms, please. I’m lost.”

Hermione sighed, exasperated. “Severus found a treatment for my eyes.”

“That’s great!” Remus didn’t even try to hide his excitement for his friend.

“Is it?”

This confused Remus even more. “Wait, Hermione, I don’t understand. Don’t you want to see again?”

Hermione shook her head. “I’m scared, Remus. I know it doesn’t make sense. But I like the way my life has been over the past three weeks. I can function normally. I only need help when it comes to brewing, and between Winky and Severus, that’s covered. I like the way things are. I am scared that once my sight returns, that all of this will… change,” her voice trailed off.

Remus wrapped his arms arouer, er, rubbing her back gently. “Hermione, it’s not going to change anything.” He pulled back to look at her face, trying to make his point clear, but knew she could see the intensity in his eyes. “Think about it. You’ll be able to finish your research, and I’m not saying that for my benefit. You wouldn’t be able to handle the fact that your hands wouldn’t be deep in some project or another. You could finish your apprenticeship. You can…”

“But what about Severus?”mionmione interrupted weakly.

Remus knew that this was her problem; he had just wanted her to admit it. “This is all about Severus?” She nodded. “Love, I haven’t seen Severus this happy since… well, Lily. You have brought out the best in the greasy git.” Remus smiled when her heard Hermione snort softly at his last comment. “Hermione, how do you feel about him?” he asked softly.

Hermione’s head dropped and she spoke quietly, “I think I love him.”

Remus’ heart swelled at the picture of his two friends together and happy. “Then what are you scared of? Has he told you how he feels?”

Hermione shook her head again, still facing the ground. “Remus, its not that easy. If he does feel the same way… he is in love with the blind me. What happens when I can see again?”

Remus was getting more and more frustrated with the girl. She was being too immature in his mind right now to be a ‘woman.’ “Hermione, you are even starting to sound like Snape. He is trying to help you get your sight back. Why would he walk away afterward?”

Hermione knew that Remus was getting upset with her, but the doubts stood strong in her mind. “What’s to say that he won’t walk away?” Her head dropped into her hands and she muttered, “Maybe I’m just another project.”

Remus grabbed Hermione’s shoulders and shook her. “Dammit, woman. Can’t you see how he feels about you?” Remus growled under his breath, trying to calm himself. “I know that the two of you have become… intimate. I don’t want any details, but I want you to answer me honestly, and think about it as you do. Does he make love to you or is it just sex? Does he worship you the way you should be? Does he hold you or just walk away? I see how he looks at you. I have seen the difference in his reactions with you with and without the glamour hiding your scars. I know the answers to all those questions. You love him and I think the feeling is mutual.”

Hermione knew that Remus was right. The more she thought about it, she could see that he was right, but something he said lingered in her thoughts. “Remus, what do you mean ‘difference in his reactions with and without the glamour?” Her voice was unsure, childlike.

Remus wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. “Hermione, he hates this glamour,” he gently brushed over her ‘eyes.’ “These eyes aren’t you. When we look in them, we don’t see the warmth and intelligence that your natural eyes carry. He would much rather look at you naturally than with those fake eyes staring back at him. I admit, I feel the same way.”

“But, Remus, that’s the point isn’t it? He likes looking at me with this bloody fucking burn over my eyes. What is he going to do when it’s healed?”

“My god, Hermione. Will you listen to yourself? You don’t make any sense. The eyes we see when the glamour is on are cold and emotionless. They are dull and lifeless. We would much rather look at you with the burns than look into those cold unfeeling eyes that AREN’T YOURS! If anything, that shows how much he does love you. How much we all love you. We miss looking into your beautiful eyes and seeing the knowledge behind them. We miss the way your eyes could bore into us and make us pour out our hearts. We miss seeing the sparkle in them when you laugh or when you figure out an answer to a question. Don’t you understand?” Remus hugged her tighter as his own frustrated tears fell down his cheeks.

“I’m being selfish, aren’t I?” she whispered after a while.

“You have every right to be selfish, Hermione. I just want you to be selfish about the right things. If Severus has found something to help you, do it. It would crush him if you gave up. He wants you back, and so do I,” he whispered against her hair, softly brushing a kiss at the top of her head. “I love you Hermione, and I know that Severus does too, probably more so. Please don’t do anything you’ll regret later.”

Hermione nodded and pulled herself from Remus embrace. “I think I need to go lay down. Thank you Remus. I will think about it. You’re probably right, but my stubbornness is fighting it right now. I’m scared. I can’t get over that fear of losing everything that I have gained over the past weeks. It may take me a while to figure all this out. Just give me time, please?”

Remus stood up and grabbed her hands. “Hermione, I know that deep down, you know what you have to do. Don’t let your mind and heart battle over this too long, or your fear may inadvertently come to pass.”

She nodded and brushed a soft kiss on his cheek before muttering a quick ‘thank you’ and headed back to the castle to think.