The Fortress Within

It was Christmas Eve and the London streets were silent


It was Christmas Eve and the
London streets were silent.  A lone
figure, oddly dressed in a long black robe, staggered through the night. 
The few muggles walking gave him a wide berth as they passed him by. 
He gave the appearance of a vagrant who was “not quite right.” 
The figure stumbled, fell, and still, was ignored. 
For several long moments, he lay unmoving. 
Slowly, he struggled to all fours, then his knees, and then he was back
on his feet.  Haltingly, he moved
on, weaving his way through the cold night. 
Every few blocks, he stopped and waved the stick in his hand, mumbling
incoherently.  With a despairing
cry, he would move on.


 


No one noticed the second figure
draped in black who appeared, nor the third. 
They ignored the struggle that ensued. 
People tend to look the other way when things like this happen. The fact
that the two, stronger men had drug the third into a dark alley went unnoticed.  
In their attempt to not get involved, they closed their ears to the
screams of “Leave me be,” which echoed out from the darkness. 
Since no one came running to his aid, no one saw him overtaken, no one
saw them vanish.


 


Severus slowly became aware of
his surroundings.  He could hear
whispers nearby and he struggled to raise his eyelids. 
Success, finally, and he blinked several times to clear the haziness from
his sight. 


 


Broken memories came flooding
back to him.  He had been searching
for her, walking the streets for days.  Casting
a location spell time and time and time again until he could hardly walk. 
Still he had searched.  Then
Potter and Dumbledore had found him, and brought him back. 

 


Severus struggled to sit up in
the infirmary bed, only to find that he was bound fast.  With an indignant growl he struggled against the wards, but
to no affect.  He fell back again,
exhausted, seemingly desolate in his grief, and oblivious to all that was around
him.  A gentle hand lifted his head
and he felt a woman’s soft touch on his face. 
The cool feeling of glass was at his lips and her soft voice told him to
“drink.”  Severus obeyed,
keeping his eyes closed.  As he
slipped away into the darkness, he could tell himself that it was Hermione.


 


The next time he opened his eyes,
he could see clearly, could think clearly, and he was furious. 
Albus and Harry sat beside his bed, waiting. 
Again, he fought against the spell that bound him, and again, it was too
strong.  No sneering sarcasm now, no dark, brooding confidence. 
Severus had not even the inclination to raise an eyebrow and pin them
with his dark eyes.  Only a simple, anguished question fell from his lips,
“Why?”


 


Albus leaned forward to grasp his
hand.  Severus tried to pull free,
but the binding spell did not allow even that small movement. 
“Three days, Severus, three days you have searched. 
Three days you did not eat, did not sleep. 
You walked and cast your location spell until you were so drained that
you could not even perform that simple magic. 
Still, you didn’t even notice.  We
had to bring you back.  If you
continued on, you would have died.”


 


Severus’ fury was bubbling
over, hissing onto the hot fire deep in his tormented soul.  “It’s my choice, my life, and I need to find her. 
It is not your decision, it is not your heart that has been torn out. 
You cannot keep me here.  Without
her I may as well be dead.  I have
served my purpose to you, to the ministry, and to our world.  Now release me and let me find an end to this all.”


 


Harry rose from his chair and his
anger met Severus’ head on.  “Do
you think you are the only one who cares where she is?  The only one who now has a void? 
The only one who loves her?”  Harry’s
face was a bright shade of red and his hands shook as he clutched the bottom of
the bed and raged at the Potions Master.  “She
was my friend, part of my family.  I
betrayed her trust and I made her into what she is now. 
Damn it, I did all of this.  It
was in my power to stop right in the beginning. I failed her and I will
not abandon her now.”


 


Harry returned to the chair and
dropped into it heavily.  He removed
his glasses and with his free hand, pinched the bridge of his nose. 
The silence weighed on them like a blanket. 
Finally, Harry took a deep breath and replaced the spectacles. 
He looked at Severus and spoke in a controlled, yet determined voice, 
“She will be returned to you and if you are too stupid to help with
this in a responsible fashion, then I will do it alone. 
You can either help me, work with me, or stay bound to this bed until I
bring her to you.  Because I will
not bring her back here to find you dead.”


Severus indicated his acceptance
with a stiff nod.  “Release me.”


 


Together, Harry and Albus spoke
the words.  “Finite Incantatium.”


 


Severus chuckled grimly, “Took
both of you, did it?”  He sat up
and swung his legs over the side of the bed. 
“So, Mr. Potter, what brilliant plan have you come up with?”


 


Albus rose quickly to his feet,
followed by Harry.  Both wizards
moved quickly to the door.  When
Severus rose shakily to his feet, meaning to follow, 
Albus held up his hand to stop him. “Frankly, Severus, you stink. 
I mean it, you really stink.  Go
get cleaned up and I’ll meet you in the Great Hall for something to eat. 
We’ll talk there.”  Harry
and Albus moved out the door, quickly, and were gone.


 


Severus sighed heavily and made
his way to the dungeons.  When he
entered his chambers, hisef wef was renewed. 
He staggered to the sofa and picked her blanket up off the back. He
buried his face in it and inhaled deeply.  Her
scent filled him.  Visions of her,
wrapped up warmly in this soft fabric swam before his eyes. Severus sank to the
floor and wept.


 


Something cold and wet touched
his face.  Startled, he opened his
eyes.  Crookshanks stood on the
sofa, looking at him imploringly.  “M-row,
M-row.”  The large orange head
butted against his shoulder.  “M-rooowww..”
 Two orange feet came to rest on the
blanket.  With his back feet still
on the sofa, his front feet braced against Severus’ chest, the cat began to
knead and purr. 


 


Severus allowed the cat a smile,
“Miss her, too, do you?  We’ll
see what we can do about that.”  Severus
pushed the cat back onto the sofa and laid the blanket on the cushion. Still
purring, the cat stood on it, turned three times in a circle and curled up. 

 


In the bathroom, Severus looked
into the mirror and hardly recognized the face staring back at him. 
He now had the patchy start of a beard on his face and his hair was
genuinely lank and greasy.  Dark shadows filled the half circles under each eye and his
cheeks were sunken in.  In the
blazingly hot shower, Severus scrubbed his body until it was red and raw
looking.  The pain was welcome, for
it felt good to punish his body as his soul was punished. 
                   


 


An hour later he entered the
Great Hall, restored to his stiff, sneering self. 
With this mask in place, perhaps he could see this through and still keep
his sanity.  The familiar flap of
his robes behind him was comforting, reminding him of the time when he was in
control of himself and his heart.  The
time before her.  The facade was all
he had to ground him now.


 


Although it was lunchtime, only
Albus, Harry, and Severus were present for the meal.  “Where is everyone?” Severus inquired as he took his
seat.  A plate of roast beef, mashed
potatoes, gravy, and corn appeared before each wizard.


 


“They all left to visit family
and friends following the celebration.  Poppy
remained until we could bring you back.  Once you were stable and resting, she left for her
daughter’s.  She was there by
Christmas dinner.”  Albus dug into
his plate, having finished his explanation.


 


Severus nodded briefly and began
to eat.  He found he was famished
and ate silently and quickly while Harry told him about the last several days,
including the cleanup in the Potions classroom, identifying the bodies, and the
victory celebration.  Severus’
mind heard his words and filed them away.  His
mind was reeling, seeing Hermione everywhere. 
He saw her seated during her sorting, could see the smug smile as the hat
announced “Gryffindor.”


 


Gryffindor, he sat and watched
her at that table for seven years, surrounded by the friends who would
eventually destroy her.  Had he
known then, what he knew now, he would have seen those boys gone, one way or
another.  Somehow he would have
protected her.  But, she sat at that
table for seven years, and allowed them to lead her to her into the dark place
she was now.


 


That table. 
His mind visited the night in the hallway, where she implied an
interesting use for the invisibility cloak. 
What he would give to make love to her on that table right now, cloak or
no cloak.  He didn’t care who saw,
he just wanted her back.  He wanted
to feel her beside him here at dinner, feel her hand resting on his leg. 
See her smile as the staff teased him. 

 


“Severus? 
Severus, are you listening?”  Harry’s
voice blessedly broke through his musing.  “Did
Hermione ever give you an indication where she would go?”


 


Severus pushed his plate away and
steeled himself against the forthcoming pain. 
“I already checked the places she spoke of, and those she shared dreams
of. ’ve ’ve traveled with her
though, so you may have a better idea than I do.”


 


Harry chuckled, “Well, I
already checked with her parents and they haven’t heard from her. 
She can’t live in a library, and she hasn’t been in contact with any
of her friends.  Since none of our
location spells are working, she has to be blocking them. 
Which means she doesn’t want to be found.”


 


“Brilliant deduction,”
Severus commented dryly.


 


Harry ignored him and continued on. 
“The most logical place for her to go would be the muggle world. 
I have sent out owls to the ministry offices around the world asking for
their assistance.  They will be
contacting the wizards and witches living amongst the muggles asking them to
keep an eye out for her.  She
hasn’t touched her vault at Gringott’s, so they have been alerted as well. 
Aside from this, there isn’t much we can do.  If there are any leads, you or I can immediately apparate to
follow up.  Someone will have to see
her somewhere.”
 


Albus had sat silently throughout
Harry’s talk. “Very good, Harry.  We
should continue casting the location spells periodically throughout the day. 
If her powers weaken for some reason, say she falls ill or is injured;
she may be forced to drop her wards.”


 


Severus scoffed at this, “Not
exactly the thing to hope for, is it?  Nonetheless,
if we do manage to find her and bring her back, what then? 
We can’t exactly keep her here if she wants to leave. 
Believe me, this is the last place she wants to be.” 
Severus’ voice began to break, ever so slightly, “She made that all
too painfully clear.”


 


Albus thought for a moment, then
answered, “Given her mental instability, I believe the ministry will allow me
to hold her here against her will.   Surely
it’s not a long term solution; but, perhaps we’ll be able to get through to
her somehow.  I refuse to believe
that she is lost to us, Severus.”


 


“So do I,” Harry affirmed.


 


Severus’ face showed his
skepticism.  “Very well, I will
leave again in the morning and resume my search.”


 


“No, you must remain here at
the castle.  What do you expect to
do, Severus?  Roam the earth calling
her name?  Think, man. Think about
this.  I need you here. The students
will be back in a week.”


 


“I don’t give a damn about
your students, Albus. Gods, I don’t know what I give a damn about. 
I shouldn’t care about finding her. 
She doesn’t want me.  I
just don’t know what to do.  I
feel like I have to do something.  I’m
lost.”  Severus raked his shaking
hands through his hair, time and time again, until it stood out crazily. 
“I’m lost and I don’t know what to do.”


 


Perhaps if it had been any other
man in such torment Harry would have offered a reassuring hand. 
Instead he spoke softly, but firmly, “You wait here, you teach your
classes and you wait.  This is where she will come, by her choice or force, this is
where she will eventually end up.  You,
Severus, will be the only one who can heal her, of that I am certain. 
You stay here and you wait for her.” 
Harrse tse to his feet and left the hall without another word.


 


Severus’ dark eyes met blue. 
The feeling of complete abandonment was pushed to the side as Severus
realized that, although Hermione was gone, he was not alone. 
For as long as he could remember Albus Dumbledore was the only person who
Severus could ever allow to view him in such a state. 
Somehow, that realization was a comfort. 
He wasn’t alone; he did have a friend. Severus relaxed slightly and
allowed the tears he had been holding back to course down his face. There was no
thought to pull away as the man he viewed as his mentor, his friend, and even
his father pulled Severus to him.  And
as a child would, in his father’s arms, Severus wept.


 

Albus was silent as Severus rid
himself of the grief.  Not only the
pain at Hermione’s leaving, but the grief of years. 
The killing, the rape, the torture, all finished finally in this moment
of vulnerability.  Severus’ shame,
guilt, and agony lay in wet patches on the front of Albus’ robe. 
When his pain was spent, Severus pulled himself free of the older wizards
comforting arms and began to speak, to question. 
“Where do I go from here?  Without
her, I have nothing, am nothing.  She
is the only one who will ever truly understand me and accept my past as the
past.  Believe me when I say this,
Albus, that without her I have no life.  My
battle is done; and alone, there is nothing to look forward to.”


 


Albus smiled fondly, “Dear boy,
love is the strongest bond.  It is
that bond that will lead her home, one way or another.  She will come back to you. 
You have to be patient with love and you have to believe in its strength. 
Life and Love wilwaylways find a way, even when faced with the most
insurmountable of obstacles.  Now,
go get some sleep.  You need to be
rested and prepared for her return, no matter if it’s tomorrow, or next week,
or months away.  She will need you
to be prepared to fight; fight for her.  Your
battle is not over, Severus.”


 


Finally, in those words, it
became clear to Severus.  For years
he had been an instrument of war.  Fighting,
he could do that.  With a sigh, he
rose to his feet.  He didn’t turn
around; just mumbled “Thank you” as he walked slowly from the hall with his
posture straight and his head up.  It
was the Potions Master’s walk, the walk of a warrior.


 


In his chambers, Severus was met,
once again by the huge, m-rowing cat.  He
walked to the fireplace and called for the Crookshank’s dinner. 
The cat wound his way around Severus’ feet as he set the dish on the
floor.  Severus went to the bathroom
and changed into pajama pants and a sweatshirt. 
When he emerged, Crookshanks was sitting on the bed waiting. 
The cat seemed to take comfort from Severus’ renewed sense of self and
courage.  There were no more
disdainful cat looks, or sniffs of disgust. 
The cat sensed that the road to his mistress lay with this man and seemed
to place his entire trust in him. Severus slept that night with a huge ball of
orange fur cuddled against his body.