Understanding

All HP= JKR, All songs = Evanescence


Understanding
Chapter Twenty-One:
So Close

****I spent so much time throwing rocks at your window
That I never even knocked on your front door****


Goddamn, I hate Minerva McGonagall! She is a nosy, bitchy, self-important, arrogant witch! She is always sticking her nose in my nessness and always telling me what to do.

And without her, I would never have had Hermione in the first place.

Minerva was always cleaning up my messes, I came to realize- one hour and a half a bottle of firewhiskey after her confrontation. It was she who had told Hermione about the music room and to come to me after I left her the first time. It was Minerva who helped Hermione bandage my wounds and care for me after my accident. And now it was once again Minerva who was trying to help me out of the biggest mess I'd made since coming to work for Dumbledore in the first place.

So much of what she said had rung true in my ears. It did scare me that Hermione loved me. Love had always been a scary thing for me, and one that I had never really experienced fully. It did make me nervous that I had deflowered Hermione. If she did decide on a life with me, how long would it be before she tired of my very limited sexual knowledge?

Happiness had always scared me. I suppose it was a sentiment that had been bred and beaten into me in my early years. I had never been good looking by any stretch of the imagination, and you know how children tease. But the more I reacted to it, the more violent the teasing became, and as years progressed, I soon became THAT kid. The one no one hangs around, the one no one likes. You need to tell a joke, Snivellus is the punch line. You need to pull a prank, Snivellus is the one tol itl it on. No one had ever shown any love or respect for me. No one except my family, and I was away from them nine months out of the year. Every time I came home I was more depressed and solitary. Eache I e I went home, it was a little harder for me to smile.

I suppose all these negative feelings came to a head when I joined the Death Eaters, though. Looking back, nothing could have been a more destructive, self-loathing act than branding myself for life as a follower of an evil man. He was powerful, and I was not. He promised me everything I could ever dream of- women, friends, power, money. Anything I wanted. All he wanted in return was my soul, and I gave it to him gladly, knowing that it was no use to me.

I have regretted that decision every day since.

My time as a Death Eater showed me how very base and evil and animalistic I could be, and it shames me still that for a time I enjoyed it so thoroughly. In the beginning I loved the drunken revels, the comradary- even the rapes were not very bothersome to me. But as time passed and it became clear that I was not getting what I had been promised and that what had started out as innocent Muggle-baiting had ended up being attempted genocide, my displeasure with the whole situation increased, leading up to the death of my family and my defection to Dumbledore.

My only hope had been Dumbledore, and I thank God every day for the fact that Albus took me in as he did and allowed me to spy for him. I said it once, and I'll say it again: Albus Dumbledore saved my soul when he saved me from Voldemort. I would be even less than I am now if it wasn't for him. My whole life since the day I switched sides I have been trying to make up for my actions, trying to repent.

I believe that that is a big reason why I never thought Hermione could love me. Not just because of what I'd done, but because I would never be done repaying society for all the hell I'd put it through. Hermione was a good girl. She deserved someone who could love her completely, wit any any thoughts other than how he could make her life wonderful. She deserved someone who was a good man, with a good heart and a clean conscience. She did not need me. Immoral, ruthless, sadistic me.

She deserved Prince Charming. I was the ugly stepsister.

But still, Minerva's words rang through my head. Hermione did love me. No matter what I had done to her, no matter how I'd made her cry, Hermione still loved me. I cannot say that the fact didn't still frighten me half to death. I cannot say that I was completely convinced that she knew what she was feeling for me, but I did know one thing, and that one thing shone like a bright beacon of hope for my constantly doubting mind.

Hermione loved me.

Damn that Minerva! Always fucking up my plans to drink myself to death!

Drunkenly, I stumbled to my desk and pulled out a sheet of parchment. Sloppily, I', I'm pretty sure, almost incoherently, I wrote out a fast note to her, asking her to owl me back if she really meant all the things she had written in her letters. Attaching the letter to the leg of my personal owl, I sent him away with instructions to return only with a reply. I told him I'd feed him to the giant squid if he came back without one. The stupid bird sqwacked disbelievingly at me, but flew away nonetheless.

It was only an hour before I received the reply that came with my owl. However, my heart stopped beating as I gazed upon the familiar handwriting on the scroll.

Familiar, but not Hermione's.

My dearest uncle,
I have your Mudblood whore. She is most desperately awaiting your arrival. I must say, she is a pretty little thing. Perhaps I will sample the goods for myself. If you want her, come and find me. And bring the old fool with you. We all have unfinished business.
DM

Shaken to action, I was immediately sobered. Standing, I raced to the door and grabbed my cloak, only one thought passing through my mind.

Hermione!

***********A/N**************
Review, bitches!!!!!!! If you do, you get more story tonight!!!!!!!!!

Thanks!!!

deblovesdragon: I PROMISE no mass suicide! What fun would that be?

Bambu: Yes, Severus is a naughty little Slytherin, so I must punish him. Doesn't seem to be working, though. I think he likes being spanked...

spaz141: I hate Draco, too! Couldn't you tell?

GrrArrg: I HATE CATS!!!!!!!!!!! You didn't complain when I offed Ron Weasley, but you're mad about Crookshanks? Okay,'s t's this... Crookshanks died a natural death outside where Draco found his body and used it to scare Hermione. Better? BTW, Severus is in the dungeons, silly! You know that!

Deb: Thank you, thank you, thank you! You are the best!!! I hope you liked this one and will like the ones to come! Don't worry, I will be taking some time for myself since I'm FUCKING SNOWED IN AND CAN'T DO A GODDAMN THING ON MY VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

slytheringriffendor21: I get it- more is on its way. Tonight, if you're good :)

Moaning Myrtle: Thank you! I also agree that it's weird that people have more of a reaction to animals being killed than people (see comments to GrrArrg for further validation!). You rock!

JennD: Thank you!!! And just so you now, Grr and I are... um... well... fucking crazy. So the fact that you don't get all of our ramblings, probably means you're all there upstairs!!