"Why Me?"

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Beta'd by the amazing Tenchi.  Love you, woman, you're the best!

With help from Lynn who works with me when it comes to flow, continuity and other issues.

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Just a reminder of what's on my profile; reviews complaining or whinging about the lack 'o sex in stories will get deleted.  If you want a smut-filled romp, you need to find another story to read.

 

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Chapter 20:

The Ferret Dance and Green Leafy Things in the Offing

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Finally, Sirius was starting to relax.  The night before—that spoke for itself.  This morning had been no better.  Between Draco and Lucius, he was ready to kill someone!  He got the night before, he really did, especially after he got some much needed rest.  In fact, he felt a bit sorry for Draco because the poor teen had been blindsided by what went on in this house.  No one was prepared to be just dropped in the middle of it.  Especially with no warning as to what it was like.  Whinging was allowed, at least for a while.  Lucius—well, the great pervert was always on his nerves, that he would admit, but the latest fun run hadn't been his fault.  None of them had thought to ensure that the ferrets were in their cage before Charlie brought Buckbeak down. The hippogriff just did what came naturally, nothing more.  And he couldn't say he wouldn't have panicked in that situation himself!  So, yeah, traumatized was warranted, at least to an extent.  It also helped that he had changed the great pervert's hair blue for about an hour as retaliation for the drooling and being unable to move for most of the night, not to mention how he and Harry hadn't been able to sleep.  However, at breakfast he made it damned clear to the whinging Draco that his crap wasn’t going to fly in this house when the brat had started on Harry.  Between him snarling and the neon blue of Lucius' hair, the brat had finally shut up.  At least around him and Harry.  As far as Sirius was concerned, he could whinge, whine, complain and throw tantrums all he wanted with Lucius.  As long as he and Harry were left out of it or it wasn't done around them, Draco could do what he wanted and he wouldn't say a word.

 

Since then, it had been calm.  Draco was spending time with his father, doing what Sirius didn't know, but as long as they were out of his and Harry's hair, he honestly didn't care!  As long as they kept them out of it, they could do what they wanted.  Snape hadn't made an appearance yet.  As far as he knew, the man was probably still sleeping off his drunken state in Remus' room.  That was fine, too.  Remus, of course, hadn't shown either.  That was normal after the full moon.  His old friend would probably sleep the better part of the next couple of days because of all it took out of him.  Normally, he didn't get the chance to do that and had to tend to normal obligations for so much, but with the situation now, he could mange.  That Sirius planned to let him do.  After all, he knew what it took out of Remus to go through this, so rest was fine.  The only thing there was he did not want to know what happened between the two after they went to sit in the hot tub!  That—it was something he was going to make real clear there, all there was to it.  He didn't even want vague hints on that because it would produce visions he so did not need!  Just—oh, hell no!

 

Shifting around in his lounge chair beside the pool, he opened his eyes and looked around.  As he wanted, Kreacher was close by on full alert for anyone that might take it in their head to bother them.  Good.  A glance to his left side told him Harry was still out cold, flopped in his own lounge chair on his stomach.  Another good thing there.  The two of them were both tired, of course, so a nap in the sun after horsing around in the pool was perfect. 

 

With a sigh, he put the chair back and laid down, an arm thrown over his eyes.  A nap sounded good right now, so he was going to indulge as well.  Because, with the way things went in this house, he was damned sure that something, somewhere, was bound to crop up then drive him barmy again.  He just hoped that he had the chance to get some more sleep before that happened!

 

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Coming to after waking, Sirius gave an internal groan when the first thing he heard was Lucius' voice.  Yeah, that probably didn't herald anything good.  Sitting up, rubbing his eyes, Sirius blinked then looked around, wondering what the great pervert was up to this time.  Shaking his head to get rid of the sleep fuzzies, Sirius tried to spy where the man was.  Sighing when he saw him standing over by the door with Draco, pointing out where everything was, he was about to get up and go take care of some personal business after making damned sure Kreacher was all but glued to the still sleeping Harry's side, when he was run over by the psycho-ferrets going full tilt.  He was about to start snarling when he realized the two deranged rodents were just using him as a speed bump on their way elsewhere.  For once, they weren't concerned with him and just appeared to want to run around.  That was fine.  Let the barmy little beasts run off some of that energy.  Maybe they would calm down if they did.  And, honestly?  As long as they left him alone and neither he nor Harry were dragged into whatever chaos they caused, they could do what the hell they wanted!  And outside was a damned good place to do that as they weren't apt to get into too much trouble.

 

Shaking his head, figuring that he better go tend to what was needed, he stood up with groan.  After ensuring Kreacher was right by the still sleeping Harry's chair, baton at the ready, and giving the psychotic elf instructions that his poor godson was to be left alone by everyone, he went to go take care of a rather pressing need.

 

When he came back out, the first thing he did was sigh.  The insanity had already started it appeared.  Draco was over by Harry's chair, whinging loudly, ducking Kreacher swinging the baton at him.  A quick glance around didn't have him spotting Lucius anywhere.  That meant he had to take care of this, whatever it was.  Shaking his head, he sent an elf off for something to drink then went over and plopped back down in the chair by the still snoozing Harry.  Glaring at the whinging Draco, he asked, “What is going on?  Let Harry sleep!  He's tired after that nightmare last night.”

 

Looking at Sirius, rubbing his backside where the deranged elf that was guarding Potter nailed him good, Draco said, tone affronted, though containing plenty of whine, “Tell Potter to go control his ferrets!  Father is trying to get them under control, but all they are doing is running him around the Quidditch pitch!”

 

Glancing at the pitch, Sirius grinned and snorted, trying not to laugh aloud at what he saw.  Indeed, the mental psycho rodents were running Lucius a merry chase all over the place.  Lucius, from what he was picking up on, though it was very faint, was telling them to behave and come, something Sirius knew wasn't going to work.  Instead, the two seemed to want to scamper all over the place and just have fun.  As far as he was concerned, this was great!  That meant not only would the barmy beasts be worn out, so would Lucius!  This was win/win as far as he was concerned!  And he was sure it also meant that he and Harry, maybe, might get a peaceful night for a change.  This was good!

 

Shaking his head, he looked at Draco then said, firmly, “First of all, despite the fact that your father professes those ginger colored menaces are Harry's, they aren't.  They are your father’s.  He swears he bought them for Harry, but he's the one that's attached to them.  If it were up to me and Harry, those damned ferrets would have been hippogriff food before the first day they were here was out!  All Harry did was name them, nothing more.  He wants nothing to do with the damned creatures!”

 

Looking over at where his father was running around the pitch, calling for the two, Draco sighed, “Not more creatures like that.”

 

“I don't know about past history there, but I know those two are his, despite what he might say.  And he lets them get away with murder.  I'm warning you of that now,” Sirius told him.

 

Shoulders slumping, Draco nodded, completely understanding.  There had been a few pets in the Malfoy household like that when it came to his father.  Lucius was, in some ways, like Hagrid in that once he got attached, he didn't see what anyone else did when it came to behavior or how bad they might be.  

 

“If you don't believe me on that, ask Snape.  He's another that wants to kill them.  I imagine chopping them up to use for potions ingredients crosses his mind several times a day,” Sirius snorted as he watched Lucius still chasing the ferrets.  “They listen to no one and make it their mission to see how much chaos they can cause.  So, be warned there.”

 

“Understood,” Draco sighed, shaking his head, looking at the ground.

 

“Now, while I have you here,” Sirius started, folding his arms over his chest, glaring at the brat, “I want to make one thing damned clear; this is Harry's home, period.  You start with him, you deal with me.  None of your usual shite is going to fly around here.  And I'm not your father, you're not going to get away with what you normally do.  I don't care what you do with your father, that's your business, but around me, Harry and Remus, this won't work.  And I won't be the one to step in and deal with you if you start.  I'm turning that responsibility over to Snape.  He lives here too, so he can easily handle it.”

 

Eyes going wide, Draco felt himself tremble then whispered, “Professor Snape?”

 

“Oh yes,” Sirius grinned evilly.  “I keep him supplied with booze, stuff that's hard to find, to keep my life, as well as Harry’s, as insanity free as possible.  So, he's the one that's taking on dealing with you.  Understood?”

 

“That is not fair,” Draco whinged, eyes overly wide.

 

“Fair or not, that's the way it is,” Sirius snorted, grinning bigger.  “He says you're something he knows how to handle, so I'll let him have at it.”

 

Hands flying into his hair, Draco started to whine, “Not him!”  Severus—he couldn't get away with anything with him.  And the man was devious when it came to ways of stopping things he didn't like or were against rules.  That was not fair!

 

“With the mood he is in lately, what with the insanity going on and all, I wouldn't push him either.  He's taken to drinking firewhiskey for breakfast.  That should be enough to tell you what he's like,” Sirius added, adoring the reaction.

 

“No,” Draco whinged, shaking his head.  That was not fair!  He was used to having summers off and doing whatever he pleased, well, as long as his mother didn't find out about it that was.  His father was someone that would allow him to get away with almost anything.  Now those plans were in the bin because Severus was here!  

 

“Oh yes,” Sirius chuckled, taking a bottle of Butterbeer from an elf.  “I just thought you should know.  And I have no problem whatsoever going to Snape to get you to back off.  Also that Kreacher is all but glued to Harry's side at all times to protect him.  As you just found out, he's very good at it too.  So, as long as you leave me and Harry alone, not pulling your normal stunts, you're going to be fine.  I generally don't care what anyone does around here as long as you follow the basic rules.  Enjoy!  That and be wary of being drawn into the insanity that’s running rampant.”

 

“Understood,” Draco managed to garble out, feeling dejected. 

 

Eyes drifting back to the 'exercising' Lucius, he grinned then added, “And if you can somehow manage to get your father to get rid of those damned ferrets, we can negotiate something about some areas or get you something you would like.”

 

Looking at where his father was still chasing the ferrets, Draco sighed then said, “You're stuck with them.  He's attached and won't give them up for anything.  I'll try though.”  Already he was making a mental list of presents he would like, so he was going to give this a shot.

 

“Do what you can there,” Sirius said, sipping his Butterbeer.  “Now, on to everything else—I don't give a damned what you do where.  Just so Harry, Remus and I are left alone.  The pool, the pitch, whatever, have fun.  If there's something you want added to the house to have fun with, tell me and we'll see what we can do.  Most of all, keep in mind that I’m going for as stress-free as I can get around here.  Also remember that it's summer and this is Order headquarters, so expect people in and out at all hours.  And you'll act respectfully towards them, no matter who they are.  That's about the only rules around here.  You behave and we don't add more.  You don't, we'll work with it accordingly.”

 

“Understood,” Draco said, liking that part a bit more.  As long as he could do what he wanted, he didn't care.

 

“Just so you realize that going out all the time isn't happening.  We can't, what with all that's going on and my position.  If you need anything, we'll send Remus out for it,” Sirius explained.

 

That part Draco didn't like much, but could handle.  It was balanced out by the fact that Sirius didn't seem to care what he did with so much.  That already had his mind working on things he could do and 'projects' he had in the planning stage for the return to school.  Yes, this could work nicely, especially since his father wasn't apt to keep a close eye on him.  All he would have to do was avoid Severus and he was good with plenty of things!

 

“Just a final warning; expect insanity,” Sirius sighed.  “It's just—Harry's sign wasn't joking, trust me on that.  And it's some of the most completely mental, off the wall shite you could ever imagine.  I'm giving you a heads up there.”

 

“Last night—Potter said that was normal,” Draco told him, eyes widening.

 

“Oh yes,” Sirius snorted, shaking his head.  “There were new elements to it, but it's happened before so we take it as normal.  At least Buckbeak is out of the mix.  That should calm it some, at least on a few fronts.  I'm damned sure other things will take its place, though.  Just be prepared.”

 

Shaking his head, Draco wasn't sure what to make of that.  It would have to be a wait and see thing there.  Along with that, there was a vague notion that, maybe, despite how traumatizing things were with his mother right now, he should see about going back to spend the summer there.  It sounded like that was the place that might be easier to deal with.  He'd give this a week then see.  Changing topics, he began to ask about a few things around the house, like what was there, and schedules for other things so he knew what he was dealing with.  

 

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Walking downstairs, Severus was off-kilter.  That was the only way to describe it.  Not only was it mid-afternoon, something that was odd for him as his body was programmed to wake early, but he was—lost.  For the first time in his life, he couldn't remember what he did when he was drunk.  The last thing he remembered was sitting at the table feeding firewhiskey to Lupin after everyone left to go sit in the hot tub.  That was—a first.  And, try as he might, he couldn't recall anything after that.  Part of him, the part that was his mental self-preservation streak that kept him from going off the edge into the land of insanity, kept telling him it was probably a very bad idea to even try to remember what went on after sharing booze with a werewolf.  Though he wouldn't say it aloud or admit to it to anyone, Black had been right; giving booze to a werewolf was a monumentally bad idea.  And what happened after his last memory was something he probably didn't want to know.  He had woken up, nude, in Lupin's bed with the man.  That was enough to tell him he didn't want or need to know what happened.

 

Going into the kitchen, he had an elf give him tea and sat at the table.  After ingesting a couple of cups, enough to ensure he was fully awake, he began to eat a simple breakfast to get himself going.  It was then, as he was eating his eggs, that he realized the house was quiet.  Really quiet.  That—he wasn't sure what to make of that and it had him on edge.  With the Malfoy spawn and Potter in the house together, not to mention Black and Lucius, with the way they went at each other, this quiet didn't bode well.  In fact, it made him wonder if he would find dead bodies somewhere.  Shaking his head, he went back to eating, chasing his food with really strong tea to ensure he was awake.  After he finished, he'd go take a look around to see who was where and what chaos was afoot.

 

Once his quiet, leisurely breakfast was done, he decided it was time to see what insanity was brewing.  After refilling his beaker, he summoned an elf to see if the creature knew where everyone was.  He hoped there hadn't been a murdering spree while he had been asleep.  He was pleased to hear that everyone was outside and no violence had taken place.  Nodding at that, he stood and made his way to the backyard, sipping his tea as he went.  While he made his way in that direction, he told himself, especially after not being able to remember what in Merlin's name went on the night before, that he really needed to lay off the booze.  Yes, his life was insane by this point and he needed a way to cope, but booze wasn't the answer to it.  Especially when he got to the point of drinking so much he had it for breakfast and couldn't remember things.  There had to be a way that was better than this.  While pondering that, a certain green leafy substance some Muggles smoked came to mind.  

 

In their world, such a substance wasn't illegal.  In fact, Apothecaries carried it for use in some potions.  He was wondering if that wasn't the way to go with this.  After all, from all he had heard about it, the worst side effect was the possible 'munchies attack' that could come from it.  That might be the way to go here as he was sure his liver was screaming obscenities at him for all he was putting it through.  Maybe, just maybe, that was something he needed to look into.  He had seen people who smoked the drug and it appeared that they weren't bothered by much.  That was a state he longed to reach as he was now sure, though one faction of the insanity was out of the way, Draco was going to bring more.  No, he had to be more 'with it' and calm to deal with that chunk.  He couldn't do that when drunk.  The other might make it better.

 

Stepping outside, taking another bracing sip of tea, he decided that once he made damned sure that everything was calm, he would take a half an hour to go to the Alley and pick up some of the smokable tranquilizer for self-medication purposes then give that a shot.  It couldn't hurt after all.

 

Looking around, he was, at first, pleased with what he saw.  Potter and Black were in the hot tub just relaxing with Kreacher close at hand to stave off any attempts at driving them nuts.  That was good.  Looking up, he could see Draco flying around the pitch, smacking at balls.  Another good thing.  At least the Malfoy spawn was keeping himself occupied and not seeing if he could cause trouble.  However, when he saw Lucius his brow furrowed.  The man was running right at him, looking disheveled and sweaty.  That was not normal, at all.  Lucius did as little in the way of physical activity as he could because it might muss up his hair.  Now Severus was wondering what was going on.  It only took a scant few seconds for him to figure that out, however.

 

Just as he was about to inquire of the fast approaching Lucius what was going on, he felt the ferrets shoot up his robes then began to circle around, biting and chattering as they did.  Eyes widening, he began to try to get them out of his robes as they seemed to be circling his body, exploring.  Swatting at them and snarling, he wasn't sure what to do.  Beginning to move around, fumbling, he tried catching hold of them through the fabric of his robes, but they moved before he could.  As he was like so many others that were older, he didn't wear anything under his robes but his boxers, so he wasn't about to take those off, but they were hampering him removing the pests.  This wasn't good!  Snarling louder as they seemed to be biting harder in very tender areas, he then began to dance around, more intent at their removal when the devious devils made their way into his boxers.  Those damned claws were sharp as he quickly found out.  Eyes wide, he tried fishing them out while moving around, wondering what the hell to do.

 

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Sitting in the hot tub with Harry, Sirius looked up then his eyes widened as he saw Snape looking like he was dancing around.  Grinning and starting to chuckle at the demented, spastic moves, he nudged his godson so he could see.  When Harry looked in that direction, Sirius grinned then said, making sure to keep his voice down, “I wonder what that's about.  It's strange, that's for damned sure!”

 

Shaking his head, Harry chuckled, “I have no idea, but it's weird!”

 

Watching the dance as he sipped his Butterbeer, Sirius decided this was great entertainment!

 

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Hurrying over to Severus after he saw his boys shoot up the man's robes, Lucius pulled his wand and tried to summon them, knowing Severus would just get miffed if this went on.  That didn't work, however.  He wasn't sure why either.  That meant he had to do this the normal way.  Watching Severus dance around, swatting at his boys, Lucius huffed, stepping up next to him, “Just hold still, Severus, I'll get them out.”  Then, in a firm tone, he said, “Gred and Forge!  That's enough!  Come here this instant!”

 

Glaring at Lucius, Severus snapped, “We both know that's not going to work, Lucius!  They listen to you about as well as Albus listens to anything logical!  They are in my damned boxers!  Stun them or something!”

 

“If you would just hold still, I'll see what I can do,” Lucius said, holding up his wand.  

 

Though reluctant to let anyone cast a spell in the general area where the ferrets were, Severus held still while trying to grab hold of the menaces as they now seemed to be nibbling tender areas.  

 

Casting a couple of stunners at the moving lumps, Lucius huffed when his boys kept right on moving, thus missing them.  “Gred, Forge, enough!”  He told them firmly, tapping his foot.  “Leave Severus alone!”

 

Snarling more, Severus' eyes then went wide when he felt claws graze across certain dangling bits before there were teeth nipping at them.  Letting out a very girly-like squeal, he danced around in circles, desperately trying to get them out or shake them loose, something.  However that seemed to have the effect of one of the little monsters taking a nip at a testicle.  Actually shrieking at that, something so loud that his voice cracked from it, he yanked up his robes and tried to grab the beast, fully intending to use it for some kind of potion that would involve boiling the creature alive.  Much to his relief, the demon rodents then decided it was time to move on and ran down his legs then took off again.

 

Huffing, watching Gred and Forge go, Lucius shook his head then took off after them again.  “Both of you need to come here, now!  No more of this nonsense!”

 

Flopping down on his back on the ground, Severus held onto the family jewels, sweating profusely and shaking.  That was—oh, Merlin!  Curling up in a ball, he decided it was time to go to the Alley and try out the smokable substance because there wasn't enough booze in the world to cope with what just happened.  And he was going to stockpile the biggest stash of it he could.  And there would be no sharing!  It was all his!

 

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Looking down at the bubbling water, Sirius' shoulders were shaking.  That was—damn!  He felt for Snape, no doubt there, because having ferrets running circles in your robe had to be bad business, especially if they found their way into your undies, but that dance!  Oh, Merlin, that was funny.  However, he muttered to Harry, “I didn't need to see him in his undies!”

 

Hand over his face, actually snorting as he tried not to laugh, Harry replied, “That was—it was nightmare inducing!  I'm never going to get rid of those visions!”

 

Reduced to heaving shoulders and wet eyes, Sirius shook his head, looking at Snape.  “Oh, bloody hell,” was all he was able to mutter.

 

Leaning against Sirius, Harry shut his eyes, body quivering.  Though he felt sorry for the man, especially because of where he was holding, he was just grateful that it wasn't him the ferrets decided to do that to.  It was also a reminder of why he didn't want to wear robes. 

 

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Feeling certain areas still throbbing and stinging, Severus finally moved.  Standing on legs that shook heavily, he smoothed down his robes and tried to muster as much dignity as he could in the situation.  Shaking his head, he muttered, knowing Black could hear him, “I'll return in about a half an hour.”  Then he began to limp towards the house, wincing as the injured 'jewel' stung.  He would put some balm on the scratches then go pick up a certain 'herb'.  After that, he vowed to find a room that was quiet and smoke a joint the size of a cigar because he couldn't take anymore and the day was just starting for him.  No, he needed calm and that substance would do it!

 

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