Torn - Repost

TITLE: Torn
AUTHOR: Ravenkiss
STATUS/PART: 20/?
EMAIL: Ravenkiss2000@yahoo.com
RATING: NC17
PAIRING: SS/RL, SS/RH
SPOILERS: POA, OOP, HBP (about Sev's father)
WARNINGS: AU, M/M Slash, Rape, Violence
DISCLAIMER: Not mine, no money made.
SUMMARY: Severus reflects on his life during the first night in his new rooms.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Yes, more introspection.
BETA: Sylvadin


Part - 20


It had been nearly midnight when the Rape Counsellor finally bid Severus good night and they set a time for him to speak to her again on Monday of the next week.

The session had been pure unadulterated Hell. He had been left emotionally and physically drained, but completely convinced that he had made the right decision.

At the beginning things had been tense, especially when he had asked for her word that she would not reveal anything that he said. Angela Moore, the counsellor, had been surprised. "Of course, everything you say is considered confidential," she had assured. He persisted, eventually asking Madam Pomfrey into the room to back up his request as valid. She did and in the end the counsellor acquiesced. It was not an Unbreakable Vow, but she swore her Witch's Oath.

She obviously did not understand the need for such an extreme measure until he had looked her in the eyes and said, "I was raped by Harry Potter." To her credit she had not scoffed, or worse turned away in disgust as he almost expected. For a very long time, she did not say a word, nor did she have to. The shock registered on her face. It took her several moments to digest the information. "That is the real reason that Harry Potter is in St. Mungo's, isn't it? He had more than just a nervous breakdown," she said softly. He nodded. "I understand why you asked for the Oath. You were right to do so."

After her acceptance of his situation without judgement he found himself telling her the entire sordid tale. He did not hold back any detail, no matter how painful or disgusting.


The events of that night soon spilled out in a rush, followed by his somewhat confused feelings regarding the child Potter had created, its possible paternity, and his fears of his own reaction to the candidates for fatherhood. His voice had been hoarse by the time he finished. "I fought the Dark Lord. Stared death in the face more times than I can even remember and did not flinch. Yet now I am afraid of everything, even being alone. I feel so horribly weak and pathetic."

"You are hardly that, Severus," she assured. "I have read of your role in the war with He Who Must Not Be Named. The part that you played took great courage. As does the action that you have taken today. Do you have any idea of the courage and strength that it took for you to face your fear and not hide from it? There are people that lie to themselves for years, concealing their fear and pain. I have seen so many women, and men as well, that survived being raped only to slowly destroy themselves by cutting off relationships, pulling into themselves and hiding from any possible source of pain. In doing so, they also hid themselves away from life."

Much to his surprise she even told him that spending time with Remus and Rubeus was a good idea. "You have people who love you. Let them help you. Eventually, you will need to talk to both of them about your feelings and your fears. You need the time to regain your sense of self before you try to start a serious relationship with someone else. But that should not be a problem. From what you and Madam Pomfrey have told me, I believe that they will be supportive."

Thus ended his first counselling session. His more cynical, Slytherin instincts still whispered in his ear that this was all unnecessary. He was strong enough to get through this on his own. But his Slytherin instincts could not deny that talking to her had made him feel better.

He shifted slightly in his bed so that he could see the softly snoring form of Albus Dumbledore sprawled in the reclining chair about two meters from him. The older man's face was completely serene in the pale moonlight from the high window. A few stray silvery hairs fluttered near his mouth at each slow even breath.

The Slytherin told himself that he should have felt ashamed for allowing such a completely unfounded fear to overwhelm him. That he should not have accepted his mentor's offer to stay with him his first night in his new room.

He knew that he should not need anyone to stay with him and vowed to sleep on his own, alone.

Tomorrow night.

According to the Headmaster, Potter had said that they had found all of the traps 'Sirius' had set around the castle. Albus and the rest of the staff, even the ghosts had been over the school and grounds twice checking every alcove and secret room for lethal items just to be sure. They believed that all of the traps had been found and they were probably right, but Severus could not accept it.

Even here in his new rooms where Potter almost certainly never set foot, he still did not feel completely safe. Though he did not feel nearly the irrational panic that had overcome him in his old rooms.

At least now he understood that fear. Potter had pierced his wards. The boy had violated his rooms, violated him, all with ridiculous ease. Because of this, Severus did not want to be alone.

Snape forced himself to stop dwelling on events that he could not change and brought his mind back to the safety of his bed. Severus knew that the main reason that Dumbledore was there with him was that the old man felt guilty. That he felt some sense of responsibility at not realising just how insane Potter had become. Perhaps he also felt guilty for doing nothing to stop the many pranks and indignities heaped upon Severus over the last twenty years.

To make up for his past failures Dumbledore felt compelled to be there for him now. He should probably feel badly about using those feelings, but for the present Severus was content to let Albus feel a little guilty if it kept him from being alone his first night in these strange rooms.

Besides, unlike everyone else who would have volunteered to stay with him, Albus never seemed to have a backache from sleeping in the chair. He supposed that this was one of the perks of being a great wizard?

Also, unlike two of those who wished to watch over him, Severus did not feel threatened by the older man's presence in his room. Albus was a father figure, period. There was nothing sexual about him to the Slytherin.

He glanced at the clock once again and sighed. It was just after two in the morning and even as exhausted as he felt he was still wide-awake. He could take Dreamless Sleep potion, but he did not want to become too dependent on it. Besides, he had left it in the bathroom cabinet and did not want to wake Albus in order to get it.

Tired as it was, his mind simply refused to stop working. Despite his best efforts, he kept trying to re-examine his feelings for his suitors. Severus was as attracted to both of them as he was afraid of them. Both of the men wanted to claim the child inside him. Both of them wanted to claim him.

His suitors knew very well what they wanted. Unfortunately, Severus did not have the slightest clue as to what he wanted. Did he really want a lover or a husband? If he did decide that he wanted someone to bond with, did he want either of his suitors?

Snape had found during most of his time at Hogwarts that Hagrid had usually been to him simply a fixture of the school or, when he had been a very small boy, sometimes the big man had acted as a protector. Though now he was beginning to see the half-giant with new eyes. He knew now that Rubeus Hagrid was a gentle caring man that the Slytherin wanted to get to know better.

The same could be said for Remus Lupin, on both counts, though there had been a time not so long ago when he could truly say that he hated the man.

That had not always been the case. Unlike two of the more notable Marauders, he had not hated the werewolf on sight. As a first year, the very shy eleven-year-old Severus Snape had hoped that they could have been friends.

On the train the two of them had ended up alone in the same compartment for almost an hour. Severus had been nervous, having little experience with anyone his own age, or people in general for that matter. He had hidden behind his carefully crafted wall of indifference, built by years of humiliation and pain at the hands of his father. Not being a wizard, Tobias Snape had no magic, instead the man was quick with his fists. Though it was the acid words that dripped from his tongue which could cause more pain than the Cruciatus curse.

Severus had learned his skill at wounding with words from the best.

He recalled that first day on the train when Lupin had introduced himself, and in his nice gentle way, done his best to strike up a conversation with the silent boy across from him. Severus had actually begun to open up and relax just a little when suddenly the world went mad. James Potter and Sirius Black stormed into the compartment like a pair of rampaging trolls.

They looked the pair of them over and immediately decided to 'rescue' Remus from the 'ugly vampire'. Severus became understandably angry at their unwanted intrusion and told them to mind their own business and sod off. Black contemptuously pushed him down from behind, then Potter's foot slammed on his back. Even at the age of eleven, they had been bullies, picking on a thin undernourished boy hardly half their size. Pinned as he was, Snape still managed to summon his wand and hexed the pair of them.

Long black hair had sprouted from their nostrils and tied themselves into knots around their arms and legs. He smiled smugly at the memory. That had been a spell of Snape's own devising, and the Marauders never managed to duplicate it.

Upon the discovery of what he had done, Dumbledore had immediately taken him to his office and given him a stern lecture about endangering others with untested spells.

Then the Headmaster had spent two hours feeding him sweets and asking him how he had perfected it.

Despite the fairly good ending to that evening, he would soon come to accept as the norm that no matter the real circumstance, Severus was the one who would be blamed. He was almost expelled before he had even set foot in the school.

If Professor McGonagall had her way, his time at Hogwarts would have been short indeed.

The upshot of the entire sad affair was that Severus lost any chance of friendship with Remus or just about anyone else in the school for that matter. The handsome, rich and popular boys made sure that he was a pariah with the other students. Even most of the Slytherin shunned him. Except Lucius Malfoy.

And Lucius had only been interested in Severus' knowledge of the Dark Arts.

McGonagall poisoned most of the staff against him before his first class. That had been hard to forgive.

Harder even than the fact that Remus had remained silent on which of the boys had actually started the fight. That had hurt, but Severus was not surprised. He understood that having already been outcast for most of his short life, Remus had not been willing to jeopardise his budding friendship with Potter and Black for someone he did not really even know.

Oddly Slytherin of him...

Professor McGonagall was a different story. It had only been after many years of forced contact that he and the Deputy-headmistress had begun to develop a grudging respect for one another. They could almost say that they had grown to like one another. Especially at staff Christmas parties when McGonagall brought the brandy and Snape supplied the hangover potion.

And now she seemed to be trying to play matchmaker between he and Remus. Perhaps she was trying to make up for her unfair treatment of him during his student days?

It was rather ironic that for many years Severus had found himself alone in a large part because of Potter and his friends. Now Remus desperately wanted to be not only his friend but lover as well, in part because of another Potter.

His hand went to his stomach as he thought of the reason for his sudden popularity. His belly should not have felt very different yet since he was only six weeks along, but it did. His stomach was flat and smooth, not concave as it had once been. He had actually started to gain a little weight, probably because he was forced to be somewhat sedentary thanks to his leg.

He could feel the warmth radiating from deep within his belly. Sometimes it even glowed in the dark with a soft blue light.

Now that was utterly humiliating.

Poppy had assured him that this embarrassing condition was not unusual in the first few weeks of magically created pregnancies though she was not specific as to the definition of 'few'. The books he read all indicated that it could last anywhere from ten to twelve weeks. That meant possibly four more weeks of a random glowing stomach. It made him feel weird, but he had managed to keep that shame hidden from Dumbledore.

Not really wanting to think about that, his mind made a slight turn from the confusing reactions of his pregnant body to thoughts of his child's paternity. This was not just an abstract concept anymore. Try as he might, he could not help but think of the being within him as a child, his child. He also could not help but wonder which of the two men it also belonged to, Remus or Hagrid? Or should he call him Rubeus? He tried, but it was difficult to think of the gamekeeper as anything but Hagrid.

What would a child of his and Remus' look like? Black or brown hair? Would it have Severus' not completely human black eyes, or would they be the other man's deep rich brown? Lupin's nose would definitely be a plus.

If the child's appearance came from Hagrid, it would most definitely have black hair and eyes. Perhaps it would, as Albus speculated, have the half-giant's gentle even temperament. Severus hoped at the very least that the baby did not have his temper.

One nasty bastard in the family was enough.

The Slytherin found himself staring up at the ceiling as that last thought echoed in his head. It was difficult to admit that in his heart after all of his protests to the contrary, he really might not be adverse to some sort of relationship with the child's other father, whichever man it turned out to be.

The dread and fear that had caused him to have Poppy call the counsellor was still there, but so was something else. Despite the feelings that confused and even frightened him about what a relationship with either man could ultimately mean, he wanted to be around them. He had to admit to himself that he was actually beginning to like them.

But how close could they get? Since Potter's rape, every time he thought of physical intimacy it brought a tremor of fear. But he knew that this would not always be the case. Slowly the fear was beginning to fade just a little.

The counsellor assured him that he would be able to allow himself to be touched. That one day he would enjoy sexual contact.

He found himself wondering what things would be like now if Potter had not raped him but only used the potion to impregnate him? Would he have allowed Remus to seduce him?

If he did, which Remus would it be? The gentle scholar that offered the children chocolate and laughed at appallingly bad jokes? Would it be the sensitive, non-threatening, cardigan-wearing male that had touched him so tenderly beneath the trees? Or would he be the dominant, confident, almost overwhelmingly 'alpha' Remus that had recently begun to emerge? Severus found himself wondering where that part of the werewolf had been hiding all these years.

There were times when the Gryffindor certainly looked as if he wanted to devour him on the spot. A shiver that had nothing to do with fear raced up his spine at the thought.

Almost reluctantly as his thoughts turned to Hagrid. Not so long ago thoughts of the half-giant and sex together would probably have caused laughter, or even a shudder of disgust. It was amazing how quickly things had changed. Still Severus could not help but wonder if he could he really allow the gamekeeper to touch him?

He had never in his wildest dreams considered the man in a sexual way until that day by the lake. It had been a shock when Hagrid had made his own desire known, and whether by accident or by design given him an eyeful of his very masculine body. Now that the idea of Hagrid and sex were firmly planted, Severus found himself wondering what it would be like?

Severus also wondered exactly what each of them really expected of him. Sex was after all a very general concept that encompassed a lot of different variations. He might not be a virgin, but he was not very experienced either. Sex for Snape had a lot of uncharted territory. What would his suitors say if those men knew that the big bad Death Eater would have been nervous about being intimate even before what happened with Harry?

Would they laugh if they knew that he had only topped once in his life?

It was not a matter of not wanting to, though he was not naturally aggressive sexually. It was more the attitude of his 'lovers' that kept him in an almost completely passive role. This was yet another of the disadvantages to spending so much of one's time with Death Eaters or in the darker parts of Knockturn Alley. The men he had slept with usually seemed to be of the opinion that he should be grateful for their attentions and not push his luck by making demands, such as wanting to kiss, or even having his own needs satisfied...

The few times he had really thought about having a lover recently, all Severus had ever wanted was a little consideration. For many of his past associates, even that was asking too much. Often he was left with nothing more than the simple hope that his so-called lover actually remembered that he was in the bed with them. Severus learned at an early age that some men were so concerned with their own pleasure that they did not care who he was, or what he needed once his legs were open.


Not that all of his experiences with sex had been bad. Several of his partners had been kind and made sure that he was satisfied. Sadly, men like that had been few and far between, one of the problems with spending most of his youth with Death Eaters.

There were so many things that he did not know, but he was sure about one thing. He shied away from bondage and the more violent kinks. Just the concept reminded him too much of torture, which he had endured when Voldemort was angry.

Near the end the Dark Lord seemed to be perpetually angry.

Malfoy had enjoyed the use of whips and chains, revelled in the smell and taste of blood. Lucius never tired of telling him every detail of the torments of his latest toy. Probably hoping to make him envious. Instead Severus had considered himself lucky to have been looked down on as too poor and not nearly pretty enough for those twisted games.

He wondered if the new, more forceful Remus would ever allow him to top?

The Potions Master almost choked as he thought about Hagrid. Snape suppressed a harsh laugh at the mental picture of him climbing the half-giant like a tree. Would the big man even notice if Severus tried to top him?

The thought of any sort of sex with Hagrid was intimidating, and yet he had to admit that Hagrid's physical size also opened up some interesting possibilities. What would it feel like to run his fingers through all that hair? Maybe even roll around on that burly chest like one might on a bearskin rug?

He swallowed hard as he began to tremble. Best to stop this line of thought now. His budding fear also killed the erection that had started to arise from all those sexual thoughts.

Actually he was relieved at its passing. The last thing he wanted was to even consider pleasuring himself with Dumbledore sleeping less than two meters away.

Still a part of him felt pride in the fact that, for a time, he had thought about sexual intimacy with another man, two men, and felt no fear. Perhaps soon he would be able to think about intimacy without trepidation.

'Right. I must be insane,' he thought with a sigh.

"That seems a bit harsh," noted Albus. Snape blushed as he realised that he must have spoken out loud. "Why would you doubt your mental capability?"

"My mind was wandering to an odd place. It is back now." Severus sat up and sighed. This night felt like it would never end. "Sorry, I did not mean to wake you."

"Nonsense my boy, I was awake anyway."

"Albus, it is just past two in the morning and you were snoring."

"I have never snored in all my hundred and fifty-five years," the Headmaster informed him haughtily. "Besides, we were talking about you. Now why should you doubt your sanity?"

Severus had no idea why he said it, but the words came before he realised it. "I think I just talked myself into letting Remus and Rubeus court me."

"Why should that make you think you are insane? Allowing two very kind and caring people into your life seems the actions of a most sane and reasonable man."

"Even when they terrify me?"

"Tell me, Severus, what is it about them that frightens you?"

'Why did I bother having Poppy call the counsellor?' thought the Slytherin with a sigh. Despite that thought, he still found himself talking to Dumbledore. He wondered if 'opening up' to people was addictive. "Because they want me. I think I could understand if all they wanted was the baby, but they want me too, both of them. No one has ever really wanted me just for myself before. They were only interested in what I could do for them." Severus swallowed hard. He could not believe that he was laying here telling the deepest secrets of his heart to Albus Dumbledore.

In the darkness, Severus could not see the smile that spread over the older wizard's face when he used the word baby instead of foetus. Albus considered that a major breakthrough.

"Severus, I think perhaps you have been forced to be alone for so long out of necessity that you are under the mistaken impression that no one would be interested in you." The Headmaster leaned back in the chair.

"Greasy git is not a term of endearment."

"But that was usually used when you were being somewhat disagreeable," countered the Headmaster. "You kept a number of people at bay who would otherwise have wanted to get closer." Albus hesitated for a moment. Then he made his decision. "Did you know that you have had several admirers over the years Severus? Gilderoy Lockhart had quite a crush on you."

"Lockhart? That popinjay had a crush on me?" gasped Snape in disbelief. "I would think that he would find his own company much more appealing."

"I found numerous interesting entries in his diary, which came into my possession after his unfortunate accident in the Chamber of Secrets. There was some rather intense prose about his desire for you. He was actually quite disappointed not to have made a better impression on you when he set up the Duelling Club. I believe he had hoped to sweep you off your feet instead of being knocked on his backside," Dumbledore chuckled. "Under the circumstances I decided that it might be best that his desire for you remained unknown."

"Damn right," Severus snorted. "You would have had mass suicides among the female population if it ever got out that Lockhart was a robe lifter."

"He was not strictly homosexual. What is it the young people say? He played for either team," Albus said softly, but Severus thought he heard something odd in his voice.

"Was there something else Albus?"

Dumbledore sat up, and though Severus could not see his face, he could tell that the other wizard seemed tense. "I hesitate to mention this, but Lucius Malfoy also had a strong attraction to you."

"Lucius? But, he always said that I was..." the word 'repulsive' caught in his throat. A basic tenant of the universe had just crumbled to dust. He was a half-blood, poor and ugly. Lucius Malfoy was an aristocrat with breeding and taste, while Severus Snape was nothing. No, that was too good for the likes of him. He was considerably less than nothing to the Pureblood's jaded grey eyes.

The man had taken great pleasure in throwing his many sexual conquests, consensual or not, in his face. He thrived on making sure that Severus knew just how undesirable he was.

"Before his final embrace, Lucius Malfoy was given Veritaserum and questioned about several things, including a special room that was discovered in his mansion. I will spare you the details, but it seems that the room was kept ready for you. He had wanted you for a many years, but Voldemort had forbid him from taking his pleasure. It seems there was an Unbreakable Vow involved. You, my boy, were simply too valuable to Voldemort for him to allow Malfoy to exercise his baser impulses at your expense."

Severus should have been horrified at the thought that Lucius was saving what was probably a torture room in his mansion especially for him. That he had been waiting for Voldemort to decide that he was no longer of value so that Lucius would be allowed to rape and torture him. But frankly he was too shocked at the fact that Malfoy would want him to be disgusted.

Severus knew why Albus told him this. Much as he hated to admit it, Lucius Malfoy had always been what he considered the epitome of male beauty. And that man had desired him. "But Lucius was rich and powerful. Even with his sadistic tastes, he could have anything, anyone that he wanted. Why would he want me? Why did he not say anything while we were at school?"

"Perhaps he simply never thought of you in that way when he was at school. You were several years behind him. I, for one, am glad that he did not," noted the Headmaster.

"Yes," Severus said with a shake of his head. "I still do not know why he would want me."

"Severus, I may be a bit balmy but my eyes are still quite sharp," the older Wizard informed him. "You are a very sexually attractive man."

Snape almost choked. "Albus, you have no idea how disturbing that is!"

"Actually I do, but the look on your face was priceless. Even so, what I said is true. It is not surprising at all that Remus and Hagrid should want to be with you."

"Tell me Albus, which of them would you choose?" He had no idea where that thought came from.

"That must be entirely your decision, Severus. For one thing, while I can appreciate an attractive man, my taste in bed partners has always run more towards the fair sex. The other consideration is that you and they want more than sex. You need to decide which of them you want to help raise your child. Which of them you want to spend your life getting to know."

"Which of them will be less likely to drive me insane?"

"Exactly," confirmed Dumbledore. "Now, I believe that you need a little more sleep." The Headmaster stood and walked over to his bedside. He placed a hand gently on the other's forehead. "May I?" Beneath the hand, Severus nodded. A spell flowed over him. As his eyes closed he heard Albus whisper, "Sweet dreams, dear child."

tbc