Light on the Dark Side of Me

Title: Light on the Dark Side of Me
Author: Cocoa-Snape
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.
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Light on the Dark Side of Me
Chapter 20: My clever little boy gets it now


It was the first day of the Christmas Holidays and the students had all left. After eating dinner, Harry made his way down to the dungeons, his mind clear and full of purpose.

Snape could scarcely believe it when he saw Harry Potter walk into his quarters. He scowled and said, “The Headmaster told me you’d be back, but I didn’t believe him. Why did you come back here, Potter? Did you enjoy the rush of power?” Snape asked, his eyes filling with savage enjoyment. “Do you want to feel it again – is that it? Do you want to curse me some more – to avenge your dogfather’s honor, perhaps?”

Harry was fuming and started to speak, but stopped himself. He’s goading you again. He hated the way Snape so easily incited his anger. You came here for a reason – don’t let him take control. Harry forced himself to calm down before replying coolly, “I’m not going to let you provoke me.”

Snape couldn’t suppress his smirk of amusement, “This the first time I’ve ever seen you attempting to control your emotions, Potter. Do be careful – I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself!”

“I’m glad to hear that you’re concerned about my safety,” Harry shot back with a smirk of his own.

“How very witty of you, Potter!” Snape mocked. “Now answer my question. Why did you come back here? If you’ve come for an apology, you can forget it!”

Harry took two steps forward, “I didn’t come for an apology. I know you didn’t mean the things you said. You were trying to get me angry enough to cast the Cruciatus. And it worked.” Harry paused for a moment and added, “Did I…did I hurt you?”

Snape rolled his eyes, “You’ve got to be kidding, Potter.”

Harry blushed. Snape was accustomed to the force of Voldemort’s Cruciatus – obviously Harry’s hadn’t done any damage that Snape couldn’t handle.

“I came because…” Harry paused, swallowing the lump in his throat and taking a deep breath. Snape was staring at him intently. “I came because I wanted to tell you that I still care about you…very much.”

Snape’s heart stilled. Deliberately, he ignored the sudden tightness in his chest, as he spoke, “That is not possible.”

“Don’t say that! Don’t tell me I don’t know how I feel! All I want is another chance.”

“Potter…”

“And don’t call me that! Would it bloody well kill you to call me Harry over the damn Holidays?” Harry shouted in rage.

Snape sighed, “Mister Potter, although I appreciate your sentiments, I think you are very confused. You’re not interested in a relationship with me. You want a fairy tale version of me – Severus Snape, the redeemed Death Eater. That is NOT who I am!”

Silence. Snape saw the disbelief in Harry’s eyes at this statement. And he decided that perhaps it was time to be honest – to make Harry understand.

Snape took a step forward, closing the distance between them, then took a deep breath, and looked directly into Harry’s eyes before he spoke, in a low, serious voice.

“Tell me. Tell me the truth. Would you still find my eyes so striking if you knew the truth about all the horrors that they have witnessed? And how would you feel about my hands touching your body if you even suspected what unconscionable acts of brutality they have committed? And my voice, which you seem to think is so sensuous, would you still permit me to whisper in your ear if you knew how many unforgivably dark curses it has uttered?”

Silence.

After a long moment, Harry finally regained his voice, “But…but you’re not like that anymore.”

Snape closed his eyes. He wanted to believe him. He wanted to believe those words more than anything else. And he would have given anything for them to be true.

A hoarse whisper left Snape’s throat, “I am, Potter…I am.”

“I know you. I know you’re not like that. And I want to be with you, Severus.” Harry took another step and pressed his lips to Snape’s, and lost himself and in how wonderful it felt. It had been so long.

He didn’t have long to enjoy the moment, however, as Snape forcefully pushed him away, his voice raised, his anger restored, “You’ve lost your bloody mind! Have you heard nothing I’ve said, you idiot boy?”

“I…”

“Potter you don’t know ANYTHING!” Snape bellowed. “You most certainly don’t know me! If you did…if you knew the things I’ve done – the things I’m DOING…!”

Those words struck a chord with Harry, and left him momentarily shaken. It had never occurred to him that these things were ongoing. But he pressed on, convinced Snape was twisting the truth, “Well then tell me. I want to understand what it is that’s making you this way.”

“No you don’t! Trust me for once in your life, damn it! You don’t want to know.”

Now Harry was angry. Damn Snape for telling him what he wanted, again! He was sick of it. He needed to know the truth – Snape owed him that much.

“Fuck you, Severus! I’m not a kid anymore! I’m an adult and I deserve to know.”

Snape felt an overwhelming urge to hex the boy into oblivion – or even worse, tell him the truth he was so desperate to know. But he hesitated, and for the first time he could remember, he backed down. Snape lowered his eyes and sighed. “Please Potter…drop this.”

Harry noticed Snape’s hesitation and seized on it. Enraged, he yelled, “Why won’t you tell me? Maybe you’re lying and there’s nothing to know! Maybe you’re using this as your excuse because you’re too damn weak to admit your feelings for me. Or maybe you’re just too afraid to tell me the truth. Either way, you’re just a FUCKING COWARD!”

Only after the words had left his mouth did Harry realize he had gone too far – way too far. Harry knew he’d just uttered perhaps the most dangerous words one could to Severus Snape – words that now hung heavily in the air between them.

Harry had never seen Snape look so unhinged before – it was as if the man he was just speaking with had left and a different man entirely was standing in front of him, a demented stranger who would kill at the slightest provocation. Harry tried desperately to hide the alarm from his face as he felt the force of Snape’s fury blazing from his body – his magic crackling threateningly all around him.

Harry opened his mouth to apologize, desperate to take back what he’s said, but Snape did not give him the chance to speak. Snape did not yell or scream, however. He spoke calmly, in a low voice that was even more frightening.

“You want to know? Fine. I’ve been waiting for this moment – the moment I shatter your ridiculous illusions. And it might as well be now.” Snape’s eyes flashed dangerously with something wild and utterly feral as he whispered, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

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Suddenly, Harry’s mind is locked into viewing a memory that Snape is sending him. The memory seems to begin in the middle of a conversation that Snape is having with Dumbledore. They are in Snape’s office, and it is clearly late at night.

Snape is speaking. “Headmaster, there is one last matter I would like to discuss with you. It regards my work with Potter. There are some elements of magic I believe he could benefit from, but the castle’s wards won’t permit it. Perhaps if you could modify the restrictive wards in the dungeons, that would enable us to address some of these areas.”

Dumbledore looks at Snape and says calmly as ever, “You take me for a fool, don’t you, Severus?”

Snape looks momentarily stunned by the question, but replies, “No, Headmaster, whatever gave you that idea?” Snape’s voice betrays his clear annoyance with Dumbledore.

“Don’t play games with me, Severus. It doesn’t suit you,” Dumbledore replies coolly.

This is a very strange conversation, Harry thinks.

“Headmaster, I’m sorry if I’ve done something to offend you. After all, I thought that…”

“You thought what? That I trust you because I have you up for tea and check on you after your meetings with Voldemort? You are more naive than I would have thought. I’ve done what I’ve needed to keep you satisfied, but I cannot continue playing this fatherly game with you,” Dumbledore replies, his voice curt and patronizing.

Snape glares at Dumbledore, his eyes betraying his shock – it looks as though he has been shot in the heart. “Excuse me?”

“Don’t play coy with me, Severus. You know damned well what I’m speaking about. I suppose I shouldn’t have been too surprised over my latest revelation about your proclivities. I suppose it was hoping too much from you to expect otherwise. But be very clear, I now tolerate your presence in this castle because of your work for the Order and the fact is that we need you. I assure you that if this were not the case, I would no longer have anything to do with you. And don’t insult me by pretending you stand with me for some higher purpose, Severus. You are a Slytherin through and through and you do what you do for your own self-preservation. And so forgive me if I must put an end to this paternal play of ours – I have long grown weary of it.”

What’s going on here? Harry wonders. Did I hear that right? Did Dumbledore just say that he didn’t really trust Snape after all those years of telling me otherwise?

Snape seems flustered now. But he replies steadily, “Headmaster, I would never betray you or the Order. I assure you.”

“I didn’t say that you would, Severus,” Dumbledore says flatly.

Snape is stunned, but resumes his previous line of questioning. “May I ask what in the name of Merlin this has to do with my work with Potter?”

“It has everything to do with Harry – as you well know. I thought you’d changed, Severus. I was even foolish enough to think we were close friends. I am very disappointed that I was mistaken.”

“Headmaster…”

“Don’t try to lie to me, Severus…you’re not very good at it.” Icy fury is seeping from Dumbledore’s eyes now. “I can’t believe I didn’t see it before – clearly I was blinded by my misplaced trust in you. But it’s perfectly clear to me now – your sick fondness for young boys.”

Snape eyes widen in shock, but his face is contorted with fury.

“I see that perverse look in your eyes when you’re around him. You make me sick, Severus. And you have the gall to ask me to lift the restrictive wards,” Dumbledore huffs. “What do you think they’re there for? To protect Harry – from you!”

“Headmaster…” Snape interrupts furiously.

But Dumbledore doesn’t let him and continues; “You don’t really think I’d really let Harry down to the dungeons without carefully monitoring you, do you? I don’t trust you with him, Severus.”

“Headmaster…” Snape tries frantically to interrupt again, but this time the rage is evident in his eyes. He looks almost ready to strangle Dumbledore with his bare hands.

“Don’t interrupt me with your denials. Don’t pretend you don’t have depraved desires for the boy. The Order needs you and so you will remain here. Harry is foolish enough to trust you, and I am loath to admit that he needs the lessons, so you will continue tutoring him. But make no mistake about it. I am watching you.” Dumbledore is radiating power as he speaks, “And Merlin help me, if you touch Harry, I won’t even call the dementors to take you away. I’ll take care of you myself.”

And with that, Dumbledore walks away, leaving Snape staring at him with a murderous look on his face.

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Suddenly the memory playing in Harry’s mind ended and he became aware of Snape standing just several feet away from him. He didn’t know what to say. He was very confused about what he’d just seen. Snape must have noticed.

“Yes Potter, the memory is real. Surely you’ve managed to learn enough in our lessons to figure out that much.”

Yes, the memory was definitely real, there was too much detail and it was too long. But then what did it mean? Dumbledore didn’t trust Snape? Dumbledore thought Snape was a pedophile? How was this possible? Harry wasn’t feeling very well. But sadly, elements of this memory were beginning to make sense. Had Snape’s sudden break of their relationship been because of Dumbledore’s warnings? Had it all been a lie? He needed to know what was going on.

Harry spoke, his voice unsteady, “I’m going to see Dumbledore.”

Snape smirked at him, “By all means. Go see him. What do you think he’ll tell you? He wants our lessons to continue, Potter.”

To make me the perfect weapon against Voldemort, Harry thought. He’s been using my affections for Snape against me this entire time. And Snape has been more than happy to…to…oh my God.

Harry couldn’t think anymore.

“Ahhh,” Snape whispered, a tauntingly leer in his voice, “…MY clever little boy gets it now.”

Oh my God. Harry couldn’t look at Snape anymore. He began moving towards the door.

Snape stopped him with his voice. He spat at Harry, his voice full of cruelty, “Where do you think you’re going, Potter? I’m not done with you. In fact, we’re just getting started.”

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A/N: Thanks to everyone who is reading and reviewing. Please keep it up!
Hope you enjoy the twist......