One wish alone have I

Chapter 15
The fight

The following Sunday evening, Severus and I took stock of his potions supplies and accessories. We agreed on a list of supplies that we wanted to buy and agreed to go to Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley together the next evening. Severus had fully healed from his Cruciatus hit (I had only had to replace him for a day) but the evening had left quite an impression on both of us. We could both feel the same warmth between us when we were together, but our familiar gestures were tainted with a touch of prudence and reservation that was not there before.

Our trip to Diagon Alley had a double purpose, however. When we came back to his office on Sunday evening for our ritual game of chess, the flames of the fireplace turned blue once more the moment he walked in front of the fireplace. This time, the Dark Lord wanted me to be present with Severus at a gathering that would take place the following evening.

There were far more people than I expected at that meeting; there were about twenty-five people in the room. Severus told me that many of them had been attending the meetings for weeks, but they were all new to me. What was also new was the long welcoming speech Voldemort made at the beginning of the assembly. He talked about the future he saw for the Magical world, he openly denounced the Ministry of Magic and he praised his loyal servants who were imprisoned in Azkaban. The impact he had on the new followers was palpable in the room. They raptly listened to each and every word he said and often manifested their agreement by breaking into applause.

I knew of the Dark Lord’s craving for power and his dreams about a pure-blooded civilization, but knowing about this and hearing it from his mouth was much different. Needless to say that his previous defeat had left him with several grudges that only rendered him more determined to reach his goal this time. So much that not only did he sound like a megalomaniac to me, he also sounded completely fanatical. That was probably even worse to feel. Severus was sitting in a special armchair at the Dark Lord’s side in the front, along with the older followers. I was obviously sitting on a bench with all the new followers. I kept looking at him most of the time, instead of looking at the creature that spoke to us; it was easier for me to listen that way.

I terribly missed the warmth of his body’s presence next to me.

After a few discussions about practical matters, the Dark Lord asked the new followers to leave and kept the older ones in the meeting room, along with me and a few privileged newcomers. The plans for the Azkaban rescue were definitely taking form and I was surprised to learn that they were almost ready to make the attempt. Voldemort had the dementors’ allegiance and he had already bribed a couple of guards hired by the Ministry. He wanted a discreet escape; he trusted a too small number of Death Eaters to plan a massive attack.

“Severus,” said the Dark Lord, with his insufferable voice, “you are still keeping a close eye on Dumbledore?”

“Yes, my Lord,” he answered.

“What are the Order’s activities?”

“I think they are mostly in waiting mode. Dumbledore has not left Hogwarts for many weeks, from what I have seen. I would conclude that they have not gathered often during the past few weeks.”

“Good. Even if they are expecting us to attempt an escape, they have no idea what night we plan to strike. We will be ready in two weeks, three at the most. Make sure you lie low at Hogwarts until then and keep your eyes and ears open. I want you to alert me if Dumbledore makes any unexpected travel outside the grounds.”

“Yes my Lord, I will do as you ask,” he said, nodding respectfully.

“As for you, I want you to do the same as Severus,” he said, addressing me. “The Order must not know we will have a kindred among us; we will use you as an element of surprise.”

“May I ask how so, my Lord?” I politely said.

“Most killing spells are noisy and anything but discreet. We need to dispose of the Order guard who will be there in secret before he or she can alert the other members. Let us simply say that you should not feed before you leave for Azkaban that night. Am I making myself clear?”

“Perfectly clear, my Lord.”

Severus looked at me with a strange intensity, as if he was waiting for me to say something. The Dark Lord remained silent and watched me, too. My eyes kept switching between those two pair of eyes and my knees and several uncomfortable seconds passed before I realised what I had to say.

“Thank you for the generous opportunity your Lordship gives me,” I finally articulated.

Severus’ shoulders lowered immediately in relief. The Dark Lord simply continued to speak, planning what role everybody could play. He never asked anybody’s advice; he simply assumed that all the people in front of him only existed to serve him and his cause. The attack plan was simple: I was to sneak into Azkaban first in Animagus form and dispose of the Order guard silently. The two guards who had accepted an alliance with Voldemort were to help me hide the corpse out of the other guards’ view. McNair, Bellatrix and several new followers were to guard the walls on the outside part of the wing where the Death Eaters were imprisoned in case other Azkaban guards or Order members attacked from the grounds or arrived afterwards if the alert was given, despite my efforts. The dementors were supposed to cover the escape from inside, at the entrance of the Death Eaters’ wing. That was the easy part.

The dementors, though possessing some magical powers, were unable to remove all the protective spells from the cells. They could remove enough spells for me to fly in and out in Animagus form, but it was obviously not very useful to us anymore. Even the guards were not able to remove everything themselves; those prisoners were just not supposed to get out of their cells at any time. It took a Ministry official to break the last spells that would open the doors… and they were different for each cell. That was what had taken the Death Eaters so long during the planning of the escape; getting the list of those spells was no easy business, let alone breaking them.

By the time that meeting took place, however, Voldemort had all of the spells in his possession, with the exception of two. McNair had managed to steal all the lists from the Ministry and, as Severus had not been informed of McNair’s efforts in advance, we could suspect that they did have the right spells in their hands because neither the Order nor the Ministry had been able to replace the good lists with fake ones before McNair duplicated them clandestinely and brought them to his master.

To make things worse, Voldemort assigned Severus, Bellatrix and me with the trickiest part of the rescue. We were to learn how to perform the counter-spells and were supposed to sneak in the Death Eaters’ wing and open the cells after I killed the Order guard and gave them the signal. With the dementors’ and the two guards’ collaboration, taking the prisoners out of Azkaban was ridiculously easy and many new followers would be waiting, along with McNair, with broomsticks to fly them out of the grounds and Disapparate them to various hiding places that had been carefully prepared during the previous months. Severus and I were to discreetly escape by another door in order to remain incognito and keep spying for Voldemort in Hogwarts.

When we informed him of the situation, Dumbledore contacted Remus at once and asked him to organise an Order meeting with all available members the next evening. I even heard his hoarse voice in the fireplace before we left Dumbledore’s office.

Severus was more reserved than usual the following afternoon. He greeted me in his office as usual after lunch, just before I taught my first lesson of the day, but there was a hint of crispness in his tone that alerted me. I had lived close to him long enough to suspect that when Severus became that introverted and reserved, he was apprehensive about something. We left together on his broomstick and made our way to Hogsmeade silently. Dumbledore and Minerva took a more conservative means of transportation and left in one of the school’s carriages.

When we Apparated to Grimmauld Place, I became really nervous. I had prepared myself for the moment when I would see Remus again, and given his silence, I did not know what to expect. I imagined that his anger had still not subsided, that he still held many grudges for the disappointment I had caused him and I tried to make myself ready for the eventuality of a very cold welcome.

When we came in, he was not in the hall. I sighed in relief. That gave me some extra time to calm down and cope with the emotions I felt while coming back to that familiar old house. Severus did not remove his cloak and headed for the meeting room right after he came in. I took the time to remove my cloak and hang it in the closet. Severus was well ahead in the corridor when Remus emerged from the kitchen staircase.

My heart gave a jolt of happiness and surprise when I saw him. I tried to limit the large smile that instinctively stretched my lips, but it was not very convincing. Remus, on the contrary, was not smiling at all. He did not walk away either. Putting his hands in his pockets, he walked closer to me and looked at me with a very curious expression.

“Good evening,” I whispered, smiling faintly.

“Good evening. I am surprised to find you here,” he whispered back, with a trace of reproach in his hoarse voice.

“Surprised? Why?”

“I thought you’d manage not to come… in order to avoid seeing me.”

“Why would I avoid seeing you?” I said, putting a hand on his arm. “I check the Great Hall ceiling each and every evening for owls from you.”

“Then why didn’t you answer any of them?” he asked, frowning darkly.

“What? I never received any owl from you since the evening I left!” I replied, with a genuine look of indignation. “You know I would have never sent any of your owls back without a reply!”

“You swear you never received them?” he whispered, plunging his greyish eyes into mine.

“Why would I do such a thing? I have missed you, there! I was really worried, especially around full moon but given your silence, I thought you still needed time… or that you were angry! I was so glad I could come here for a meeting and see how you were doing!”

And without another word, Remus removed his hands from his pockets and welcomed me into his arms. He pressed me in a bear-like hug that almost crushed my bones. When we broke our embrace, he was smiling. The opening of the front door forced us to move further into the corridor to let the Order members inside.

Severus was still standing in the corridor and looked at me intensely. He could not have heard the content of our whispers, he was too far and we spoke too low… but he had certainly not missed any of our gestures. I began walking to him to explain what had just happened, but he simply turned back in a swirl of black robes and disappeared into the meeting room. My heart sank very low… and very abruptly.

When I entered the meeting room with Remus on my heels, Severus was already seated… between Minerva and Emmeline Vance. He did not even look at me when I passed through the door. I followed Remus and sat next to him, feeling every bit as nervous and awkward as I thought I would feel… except it was for reasons I had not expected.

Severus made his report as if nothing was troubling his mind, using the same detached and superior tone he always used. His mental barriers were stronger than ever and he brutally pushed away every one of my Legilimency attempts. Arthur confirmed our fears about the authenticity of the documents Voldemort possessed: they were probably the right ones. The situation was very tricky. Arthur and Shacklebolt could not raise the alarm at the Ministry and have all the spells changed before the attack; Voldemort would immediately suspect a leak and it would put Severus and me in danger. After much deliberation, we decided to leave the spells as they were and disrupt the Dark Lord’s plans in a different way.

It was first decided that I would only simulate the Kiss, for obvious reasons. Tonks was designated to be on guard that evening and receive the bite, after I assured her that I would completely remove the pain from the procedure and drink only half a litre of her blood. Needless to say that all the others, including me, seemed relieved that she volunteered, even if her heart was not really into it. It was Dumbledore who suggested Severus and I brew a potion that would simulate Tonk’s death in order to fool the two guards who would help me, so they would not report the deceit to Voldemort and have me punished. I was surprised that Severus had not thought of that himself.

We then discussed various attack plans to prevent the Death Eaters’ escape; some involved the Dark Lord’s followers outside and some involved us, the dementors and the guards inside the prison. After we were done with most of the attack strategies and had dispatched the Order members to the two possible confrontation areas, Moody asked the permission to take the floor. I did not like the strange way he looked at me when he said that.

“Last time we found ourselves fighting against the Death Eaters, we only expected confrontations between members of the Wizardkind. Your kind was rarely involved in open confrontations like that… the Aurors here, such as I, have experience in fighting against your kind, but many of the others don’t have any. And this time, you’ll be fighting for the other side…” he explained, fixing me with eyes that were filled with suspiciousness.

“Officially, yes. But I can simulate my defence spells as much as I can simulate the Kiss, Mister Moody. I am far more skilled to defend myself rather than to attack… I was usually in the strategic forces during our wars for that reason, not in the offensive ones.”

“That gives me one more reason to worry, then,” he replied, with renewed mistrust in his tone. “We have no idea how you will react in the heat of the battle, especially if you’re not used to finding yourself in that type of situation. You might get a bit too convincing in your simulations… who knows what kind of irreparable damage it could cause?”

“Really, Alastor, I don’t think we should put an additional burden on her shoulders like that!” Tonks began.

“I think it would be useful to know the defence skills of her kind, at least,” said an old wizard at the other end of the table.

“He is right; she will be in no position to escape this time, we will have to fight against her,” added Emmeline Vance.

“Is it true that you can throw spells without a wand and without any incantation?” asked Fred.

“Some of them, yes… others not,” I replied, feeling very uneasy all of a sudden.

“Cool!” said George.

“You might find it a bit less cool once you find yourself fighting against her in Azkaban, my boy,” replied Shacklebolt.

“If he fights there! I do not remember having given my approval for their presence at the prison that night!” argued Molly, rather desperately.

“Mum!” they exclaimed. “We are of age, now, just leave it for us to decide, for once!” continued George.

“Let us not drift away from the main topic, here…” intervened Minerva. “What do you have in mind, Alastor?”

“A duel,” he answered, with a sardonic smile.

“What? A duel, here?” exclaimed Remus, straightening on his chair and uncrossing his arms in surprise.

“Absolutely. The drawing room would be perfect for that, once we remove the fragile stuff,” he continued, with an obvious anticipation. “The only thing we need is an opponent…”

Everybody went silent for a few seconds… but they did not have to wait for long before the answer came.

“I will fight her,” said the mellow baritone voice on the other side of the table.

“Look at that… a double educative purpose, in addition!” growled Mister Moody, with a genuine smile. “That will refresh people’s memories about Death Eaters’ fighting resources as well!”

“I am really not sure that this is a good idea,” argued Remus, looking at Dumbledore.

“If both parties are willing to do it, Remus, I think it would even be… needed,” replied Dumbledore enigmatically. “Very much so.”

Everybody’s eyes turned to me. The ones that fascinated the most were Severus’, obviously. They were glittering so fiercely that I found myself almost hypnotized by him. I first thought I would ask for preparation time and manage to have the duel postponed to a few nights later; I did not feel ready to fight against Severus, not at all. But then I remembered the way he looked at me in the corridor and I acknowledged that Severus and I had unfinished business together. Dumbledore’s words found their meaning in my very heart. We did need to face each other one way or the other; I personally had grudges I wanted to get rid of, once and for all.

“I am willing to accept your challenge, Severus,” I said, with the best provocative smile I could find in my repertoire.

People murmured to each other around the table as Remus went to the drawing room with Moody to prepare it for the duel. I gave a few furtive glances to Dumbledore; he chatted very calmly with Minerva. He never gave me an encouraging look. That was not the case with the Weasley twins, however; they started stirring in their chairs the moment they knew I was going to fight their former teacher. I got plenty of encouraging looks from them… which were also filled with excited anticipation of what was to come.

Severus merely kept staring at me with that frightening glimmer in his dark eyes. Unable to bear it while just waiting for the duel to begin, I decided to make myself useful and went upstairs to the drawing room. Moody and Remus had fixed it in no time and, while Moody went downstairs to alert the other members, I enjoyed a few intimate minutes with Remus.

“He’s going to play it very, very hard, Tasia,” he said, taking my hands in his. “You can expect anything, from childish jinxes to Legilimency intrusions or even Unforgivable curses. It’s not the first time I’ve seen him in combat situations… and I tell you, he is mean and resourceful.”

“I have no doubt that he is… he has a brilliant mind and great skills… and I respect him for that,” I replied, trying to encourage myself. “If the goal is merely educational, I am sure I can learn a great deal…”

“Don’t be so naive, Tasia,” Remus warned, in a worrisome tone. “Severus’ view of education is to throw you in water without any buoy and leave you in there struggling until you figure out how to swim by yourself... or drown lamentably. Be careful, please…”

“I will do my best,” I said, squeezing his hands in mine one last time before we parted and waited for the members to come in.

They sat in a few rows at one end of the room. Needless to say that Remus, Dumbledore and Moody were at the front. The latter seemed as excited as a child on the first day of summer and talked animatedly to Tonks about the “good old days” when Auror training involved several duels per week. Severus came in last; he calmly removed his cloak, then his robes and put them over the back of an empty chair. He ignored me completely. I merely charmed my hair to hold into a queue so it would stay out of my face. I think I also sent a thought or two to the Goddess, asking her to protect me and make my senses sharp and ready. Moody rose from his seat and turned to the assembly while Dumbledore and Shacklebolt joined their powers to create a protective magical field that would reverberate most spells away from the spectators.

“Opponents, please take position!” declared Moody, while Severus and I walked to the middle of the room. “Remember that all spells, charms, jinxes, hexes and Muggle combat resources are allowed, with the exception of the killing Unforgivable curse, because the field will not be able to reflect it and we don’t want any spectator to get hurt.”

“And what about the duellists?” I ironically wondered.

“Please make the salute,” he said.

Having no wand, I simply stood in front of Severus while he sharply put his wand in front of his face and waved it to the side. We both bowed very low and respectfully in front of each other (Severus seemed curious about my use of the way my female ancestors did it) and, after a last look in each other’s eyes that seemed to take ages, we turned back and walked away.

“The duel may begin!” growled Moody’s voice.

Severus did not waste a second. Moody had barely finished his sentence before he had already thrown a stunning spell at me. I Disapparated to the side of the room in a flash and the spell hit the wall instead. The whole first part of the duel was spent playing that dangerous game of hide and seek. Severus moved fast and agilely to adjust his position each time I Apparated somewhere else. After five minutes or so of that little game, however, he really started to get annoyed. The intensity of his spells increased and being hit became more and more dangerous. I first thought I would succeed in that strategy, that I would simply have to keep escaping from him, throwing a few hexes here and there to keep him alert and running after me until his magical resources would run low and render him more vulnerable.

That was clearly wishful thinking.

Severus stopped attacking after a certain time and concentrated more on defending himself. I attacked him a few times for the form, switching to all possible places in the room, including the ceiling, but I worried about the concentrated frown I saw on his face. He was planning something. And I knew that, if he was starting to coldly use his intellect, the level of difficulty was about to increase in this duel. I was totally right to expect that.

When he began attacking me again, I did not really hear it. I wondered why he seemed to choose shifting his position to places that were further away from me than necessary, but I soon understood the purpose of taxing his physical resources like that. A minute or so later, I began to clearly hear the sound of his heartbeat. It first came to me as a faint sound emerging from his chest, but the more he moved, the louder it magically echoed off the walls all around the room.

That sound was completely hypnotic, for me. I felt my hunger rise uncontrollably as my senses sharpened for the hunt and focused on his vital signs against my will. Seconds later, I could already tell the speed of his pulse, which was racing, his blood pressure, his blood capacity… He kept throwing spells at me, forcing me to switch positions constantly if I wanted to avoid them without having to throw some back, which only made his heartbeat go faster… the sound of his thumping heart pumping blood so powerfully through all his body nearly drove me crazy.

I finally fell from the ceiling and landed on the floor. When Severus tried to hex me again, I only shouted a protective incantation and shielded myself against his attack. I realised that the more I made him move, the more the sound of his heart and feel of his vital signs would become obsessive, for me. I had no choice but to face him and manage to immobilize him. I tried a few strategies, but his reflexes were very good and he deflected my attacks with an astounding rapidity and precision. I needed to create a diversion.

I waited until he bent forward to throw another spell and Transfigured into the same tiger form I had used to protect him, on the evening of our arrival at Hogwarts. I roared impressively, my ears completely flat against the back of my head and my teeth bared in a very aggressive way. I was successful, at first. He was disconcerted by my Transfiguration and took a few seconds to think of a defensive strategy. To my surprise, he only briefly put both of his hands behind his back. I swooped down on him, but he leapt to the side and pushed down on my back with all his might. He clasped his left hand over my face and the effect was so strong that I totally lost my capacity to remain in tiger form and Transfigured back into cainite form. A complete one, with my canines fully lengthened, my skin paler than ever and my eyes coloured in a fiery red.

His hand was completely covered with his blood.

We both stayed there, standing in front of each other at a respectful distance. I was panting short and fast and looked at him with a confused expression of horror and lust. His blood covered half of my left cheek and was slowly flowing down around the corner of my lips to my chin, where it started to drip down my neck and cleavage. I hated the powerful wave of desire that seized the small of my back, my hips, my stomach, my pelvis and my inner thighs at the feel of his wonderfully warm blood against my skin. Seeing fresh blood dripping from his left hand to the floor was an absolute torture as well. And he knew it.

“Go ahead, help yourself…” he purred, in his silky voice. “Come on… I know you want to… I know you remember the taste it had, when it flooded your mouth last time… you would love to taste it again, am I right?”

He was enjoying this with a very cruel pleasure and it horrified me even more. He had found one my weak spots and was shamelessly using it to gain advantage. Remus’ words came back to me and I understood how true they were. Severus was not there to play. He was not even there to just win; he wanted to crush me under his power. I was not going to let him do that to me. With a shaky hand, I wiped his blood from my face, calmed my hunger enough to retrieve a more human look and forced myself to sneer.

“Ok… you want to play it hard, little wizard? Let’s play it hard, now.”

“Whenever you want a snack, just ask,” he hissed, throwing some more blood drops on the floor with a sharp wave of his injured hand.

We started fighting again, with far more energy this time. I was not escaping anymore, unless I really had to. We fought for several minutes, until I made another attempt with my tiger Transfiguration. I did not wait a second before I jumped on him, but to my surprise, he hit me right away with a spell that forced me back into cainite form. It happened so fast that I was still stretched upwards with my arms in front of me when I transformed. Severus brutally grabbed me by the throat and painfully slammed me down on the floor, provoking many gasps and squeaks from the group that was witnessing the duel. I hit the floor so hard that I felt dizzy and the details of the room faded for a few seconds. I felt him squeeze my waist between his knees as he sat over me. He traced my lips with one finger that was covered with wet and thick drops of his blood. I could not help but moan.

“So you like it hard, do you?” he purred in a very low voice, inches away from my face and still holding my neck and jaw in a suffocating grip. “Tell me, how does it feel to be teased like that? Mmmmh? You think I do not know how aroused you must be when my blood touches your lips, you little teaser?”

“I am no teaser and you know it, Severus!” I articulated, still refusing to lick his blood off my lips.

“Is that not the way he called you, when he was shagging you on the dining room table?” he whispered, plunging his dark eyes into mine and forcing his way into my mind. “Yes… yes, I see it quite well. I bet that it is what you did, each time you sneaked out of the castle thinking I would not notice… you came here to get a good shag with your little dog?”

“What are you talking about, Severus?” I exclaimed, struggling to free myself from his grip. “Are you out of your mind?”

“Not at all… I am rather in yours, at the moment… and I find the things I see in there absolutely disgusting,” he hissed with disdain, summoning memories of intimate moments between Remus and me.

“Liar…” I whispered, waving my hips underneath him.

My movement produced enough effect on him for me to quickly Transfigure into a mouse and escape under his legs. I grew back to my usual shape on the other side of the room, with my mind completely intricate with Severus’, to the point that I almost felt trapped in his mind and he, in mine. I feverishly fumbled his memories for the thing I was looking for… something that would return the slaps he had just given me. When I found it, I gave out a little victorious smirk.

“Careful there… I can play the same tricks on you… I am sure that there are things you would hate me to see in your mind… n’est-ce pas… Snivellus?” I sneered, savouring the gall I poured into each word.

“You little blood-sucking bitch! Crucio!” he bellowed, rising to his feet.

“That blood-sucking little bitch saved your arse, a few months ago!” I screamed, leaping to the ceiling to avoid the jinx. “Did you ever thank me for that, you ungrateful prick? I sacrificed most of the things I cared for, when I jumped through that window, is this my only reward?”

“Just go back to that castle of yours if you are not happy here!”

“I cannot go back, you know that!” I replied, feeling my throat narrowing painfully while I ducked to avoid yet another hit. “Even if I could, I would not!”

“Why? Full moons would be less exciting there?” he smirked, blocking my blow with a shielding charm.

“I cannot believe you are saying this, Severus!” I hoarsely exclaimed, landing on the floor and standing a few meters away from him. “You are either blind or stupid, you fool! If you had taken the time to look beyond that enormous nose of yours, you might have figured out why by now… or is it your enormous self-importance that is blocking the view? Help me there, because I am really having trouble choosing between those two!”

The things I had on my mind for so long were flowing freely out of my mouth. I wanted to hold them back, I wished they would come out in a more mature and rational way… not freckled with insults I did not even mean… not deep in my heart. But he was pushing the right buttons… and so was I. As a result, our words came out raw, blunt… and vitriolic. Fortunately, most of them were kept away from the Order members’ ears, as they only resounded in our minds.

“How dare you call me ungrateful, you little whore, when I get my arse kicked regularly during meetings to protect yours!” he hissed.

“A little whore? Me?” I snapped back. “I cannot believe I am hearing this from a wizard who was not only shagging one, but two cainites behind my back while I defied my Lady every single night to keep him company! At least, I never kept my own shagging secret to you!”

“You were practically doing it in my face, you mean?”

“Not that you did anything in particular to prevent it, huh?”

Severus and I kept fighting for a while, injecting every bit of our mutual anger and frustration into the spells we threw. The intensity of the blows we threw at each other reached a very dangerous level and I remember that Remus and Arthur leapt to their feet after I nearly got hit by a very nasty spell and meant to step between Severus and me and stop the duel. Dumbledore made them sit back down in their seats with a firm wave of his hand. I got a glimpse of him gesturing them to be patient before I had to focus on the fight again. The walls of the drawing room started to suffer from the repetitive blows; big chunks gradually crumbled to the floor. After I missed him yet another time and made the window behind him explode impressively, Severus merely laughed. Very bitterly.

“Here is something you would like to know, Antanasia… and I think the moment is more than appropriate to tell you this…” he hissed in my mind.

“Go ahead! I am not scared of you, Severus!” I replied.

“I bet your weak feminine narrow mind made all kinds of theories to explain why it is I who brought your dead husband to your door! Well, here is something for you to think about…” he purred dangerously, still fighting me actively. “I volunteered! In addition, I volunteered gladly! I wanted to see how the werewolf’s wife would react, I wanted to see her humiliate herself by crying over such a useless piece of low-life!”

“I do not believe that! You are lying!” I exclaimed, a bit more desperately than I wanted.

“How was it, in the end, huh?” he snapped, his voice hammering tons of unwanted words into my head. “How incredibly boring was it for you to live with such an old man? You do not need to tell me, I know how bored you were…”

“You know nothing!” I moaned, slowly losing the will to fight.

“I know many things, on the contrary!” he smoothly replied, with a cruel smile. “Do you really think I just showed up on your doorstep with the intention to murder you, just like that? I spied on you for weeks! For weeks I witnessed the uninteresting and pitiful life you lived, from the moment you woke up to the moment you slipped into your bed at his side! And from the look on your face when you did, I deduce that he did not do much more than hold you in his arms at night… mind you, after he removed his teeth! Tell me… did he keep them in a little glass of water like old decrepit Muggles do?”

His words were a real torture. I became more and more helpless with each passing second, working hard to keep defending myself, to keep fighting against the things he said… to keep refusing to believe his lies. But Severus got exactly what he wanted. I became so distressed with what I heard that I finally became unfocused enough for him to hit me square on the chest with a spell that completely immobilised me from my shoulders down. I fell down on my back, totally helpless. Severus straightened me up with a brutal wave of his wand.

I turned my head towards the group and saw Remus jump on his feet, but he stayed trapped behind Dumbledore’s magical field and could only watch, helplessly. Minerva and Arthur did not seem too reassured either. Moody was watching eagerly, waiting to see what would happen next.

Severus walked towards me, slowly, steadily, plunging his eyes inside of mine so intensely that I thought he would burn holes through my very soul. He was incredibly impressive in that very moment. I felt like a little rabbit trapped in a corner by a black panther. And despite all the fear, all the hurt, all the pain I felt from the blows, the fight, and the horrible words he told me, I still found him superb. I knew those other parts in his soul and heart; I knew they existed. I knew I had been sensitive enough in the past to see them in all their glory… enough to make me jump after him and leave everything behind just to save his life. That life had to be worth something. That man had treasures inside of him; I had to find the strength to believe they were still in there somewhere despite all he had just done.

When Severus stopped walking, he was barely an inch away from my face. I could feel the heat emanating from his body as it slowly came in contact with mine. I craved to feel him taking me into his arms, pressing me against his heart and telling me all of this was just a bad dream. I craved for the warmth and love he could give me and all I got was his cruel coldness. His eyes were empty of any emotion and his mind was completely closed to me. It hurt me beyond words. I started sobbing softly, powerlessly, feeling some relief as the words I could not articulate flew out of my heart through the tears I shed.

He merely snorted.

“You weak, pitiful, feeble little creature…” he sneered, as his breath caressed my face.

I hated myself, but I hated him far more for the intolerable waves of desire that seized my whole being when he spoke so close to me, despite the things he said.

“You… are… a… monster!” I articulated through clenched teeth, trembling like a leaf.

“Yes, this is what I am,” he answered, marking each and every word. “I am a monster. I am a selfish, pigheaded, ill-tempered, self-centred, cold-hearted, arrogant bastard, and do not expect me to change, because I will die that way or even worse.”

I did feel pain from those things he said… but the one he wanted to inflict seemed far, far weaker than the one I felt inside of him at that precise moment. It was in the way he said it… it was as if he placed both of his hands over mine on the dagger I put against his heart only to push it deeper… and all the way through. Life had come back into the mirrors of his soul; the things I saw there reminded me very much of all the things I had read one morning, in those same two fathomless eyes, when we both stood on a small hill covered with lilies… I gave in to the only thing my heart was screaming me to do.

Lifting my head slightly, I finally let my lips found their way to his and trapped them in a very tender kiss. Their feel was every bit as warm and soft as I expected them to be. I would have held him in a soothing embrace as well if my body had been free to move, but it was not the case. All the care, comfort and love I wanted to convey passed through my lips and the soft moan that escaped them to curl up against his. I do not think he allowed himself the time to really feel what I wanted to express. His eyes widened in surprise at first, and then something weakened in his glance and his eyelids fell slightly… only to snap back open in a frown a heartbeat later. He took a few steps back, while a condescending smile soiled all the tender confessions I had left on his lips.

“See? That is exactly why you will completely be crushed in battle when you actually meet a capable Death Eater in a duel. You lack the proper control over your emotions, and that is always what will make you fail. Miserably,” he added, with a disdain that hurt much more than the brutal way in which he had immobilized me on the ground.

I meant to talk, I meant to tell him thousands of things, but nothing came out of my mouth. The more I cried, the angrier I got, and those two emotions whirled inside of me very painfully until, huffing in what seemed like an outburst of pity, Severus murmured the counter-jinx and freed me. I ungracefully fell on my knees, but did not let him enjoy the sight for long. I rose to my feet and, still looking at the ground, I stammered a few confused apologies to the other Order members in the room. Without looking at anybody, I rushed out and ran upstairs to what had been my resting room. I slammed the door with all the forces that were left in me.

When Remus opened the door, several minutes later, I was very distressed, being unable to choose between a blunt outburst of rage, a nervous breakdown and an outbreak of sadness.

“Lack of control over my emotions, huh?” I exclaimed, talking to myself as much as I was talking to him. “The stupid, greasy, bad-tempered, filthy git! I prefer a lack of control over emotions than an actual lack of them, if you ask me! And you know what pisses me off the most, Remus? He is damned right! A toddler would have fought better than me! He made me look like a complete fool, and an incompetent, oversensitive Squib down there!”

I paced up and down the room like a wild beast in a cage, my face completely flushed with anger and feeling as hot as if I were seized by a strong fever.

“I bet Moody wants me to just come back downstairs and finish the duel properly?” I sneered, leaning against the window frame.

“He said nothing of the kind, Antanasia,” replied Remus, in a low but calm tone.

“You are right, probably not. Severus is probably expounding to them all the flaws through which people like me can be crushed in battle!” I exclaimed bitterly, still looking at the window.

“Nothing of the kind is happening, Tasia. I threw everybody out; they were quite in shock about the duel, but more about Death Eaters’ capacities than about your performance, if you want my opinion. As for Severus, he stayed in the room. When I came back, he had crashed down on the nearest chair.”

“And? How did he look?” I asked, turning to him.

“I cannot tell; he only let out a long sigh and leaned his fingertips against his forehead; I did not see his face. He did not even notice I was there, so I left him alone and came here.”

“He deserves it if he feels bad!” I exclaimed, after huffing in disgust. “He is such a bastard! You cannot imagine the things he told me! He never loosens up, he keeps criticizing everybody around him!”

“This is no new behaviour, you know,” commented Remus, shrugging his shoulders.

“This is new behaviour to me, Remus! This is not the face he showed me when he came to Transylvania! Though even then, he did not strike me as having a particularly easy and appealing personality,” I retorted, huffing derisively again. “He never makes me laugh! He tries to make me feel bad whenever I am around him! There are times I just wish I could scratch my nails down his face and--”

“And you love him to death,” Remus interrupted.

“I… I do not!” I stammered, feeling tears burning in my eyes again.

“Don’t ask me to believe that, Antanasia. Not me,” he said, riveting his eyes to mine very gravely.

I was lost for words. I stood there, in the middle of the room, looking at Remus in the doorframe with my mouth open, but no sound was coming out of it.

“Come with me downstairs,” he softly added, holding out his hand to me. “We need to talk, you and I. There is a conversation we had ages ago that I am not very proud of…”

“Me neither,” I said, looking down in embarrassment.

“Then come…” he repeated, as I slid my hand in his and followed him downstairs.

Severus was gone when we walked in front of the drawing room door. I cannot say that I was disappointed or happy; I was far too nervous to really feel something else in my heart, for the moment. Remus made me sit in front of the fireplace… the loveseat was still there, as if it were waiting for us.

Remus sat next to me, leaned his elbows on his knees and put his chin over his joined hands, just like he did when he was lost in grave thoughts. His wonderfully sweet glance was turned to the feeble flames that subsisted in the fireplace. They projected a dim but dancing light in his eyes; something in there was still alive. Something in there just refused to die.

“I have done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks, you know… about the way our relationship evolved… and I think I’ve understood many things since then,” he began.

“Same thing for me…” I softly commented.

“I guess… I wasn’t able to replace the man you lost… or the one you want to have,” he said, in a sad tone that tore my heart into pieces.

There was nothing for me to say. He was right, unfortunately… and hearing it from his mouth sounded even more real than what I had admitted to myself so far. Nevertheless, I did not want him to think that I valued him less than any other man who had crossed my life. It was quite the contrary.

“Remus… it is I, on the contrary, who is not made for you. You do not want a woman who carries so many old pains on her shoulders. Not as your life partner. You deserve far, far better than me, believe me.”

He sighed, but did not reply; he was listening raptly.

“The moments I have spent with you here will always have a special place in my heart and so will you. And for people of my kind, \'always\' is a word that is used with a lot of parsimony.”

I rose from my chair and kneeled in front of him, like I had been craving to do so since our terrible fight… like I should have done far before that evening. I took his face in my hands, burying my fingertips in his locks and levelling his eyes with mine.

“You made me very, very happy while I lived with you, Remus. I wish I could have given you the same in return, but I was not able to. I am just sorry it took me so long to realise it and accept it… and that I had the time to break your heart in the process.”

Again, he said nothing, but the embers of hatred I had seen in his eyes slowly faded away. After a few seconds, I saw his eyes retrieve their usual sweetness.

“I am still here if you want me, Remus. We do not have to throw away everything we have built together; we just have to use it better.”

He grabbed my wrists and turned his face down, sighing deeply again and rubbing my hands gently with his thumbs. He was hurting so bad! And he was hurting because of me! Oh, poor Remus… if you knew how deeply it hurt me, too!

“All right,” he simply said, in the hoarse voice I loved so much. “Let’s not throw everything away, as you said. The time I spent on my own lately brought me to the same conclusion, you know. All I have to do now is to adjust… to swallow the last sips of that potion.”

“Do you want me to go?” I asked.

“No… please don’t. I think we both need each other’s presence tonight… and the best way to learn how to use what we have built… is to use it,” he said, making me sit next to him. “So why don’t you come here so we can just sit by the fire like before… you’ll wipe my tears and I’ll wipe yours…”

“Thank you, Remus… you are the sweetest soul I have ever met in my afterlife,” I said, curling up against him and holding him tight in my arms.

He hugged me tighter and kissed my forehead tenderly. At long last, my feelings for him seemed to find their own place in my heart. And though they were not made of the type of love he would have wished me to feel for him, they were, nonetheless, very passionate. The coming of age had slowly taught me that there is no such thing as a unique soul mate for a given person. Soul mates can be found in friendships as well and Remus’ own exclusive place in my heart was that special one. And until now, as I am writing this, it has remained his very own. As I buried my nose against his warm neck and heard him sigh with more comfort than pain, I almost heard the sound of my heart snapping back into my chest, ready to be given again.

Soon.

~*~

AUTHOR’S NOTES
I hope you are enjoying the story! I would really appreciate some reviews. It does not take much of your time and it tells me if you like where the story is going or not! It’s in your best interest, in a way! Writing so much every week represents a lot of work; your comments are a valuable reward! :o) I am still writing every day and chapter 16 is on the way, 17-1 is in editing right now! Just be patient; your encouragement is always precious and needed!