Understanding

Understanding:
Chapter Twenty:
Haunted

****I know you're still there
Watching me, wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Saving me, raping me
I won't let you pull me down****

The time passed slowly as I assumed it would for the rest of my life. I did not kid myself into thinking one day would be any different from the days before or the days to come. My parents had made sure that I would never want for anything, and with an apathy that was entirely foreign but at the same time welcomed, I decided to simply loaf for once in my life.

For fuck's sake, you know I deserved it.

Seven years as Harry Potter's right hand. Seven years defending the world from evil. Seven years of keeping the savior of the wizarding world from getting himself killed. Three years as a member of DA. Three years training others how to fight and kill. One gruesome battle. One night of pure carnage and chaos. And if that wasn't enough, I had to be the brave girl for an entire summer away from my home when all I wanted to do was wear my mother's favorite shirt, lie in my parents' bed and never wake up. Now I had to stay here when all I wanted to do was run back to that damned castle- while the only man I'd ever love was back to his normal, unmiserable life.

Yes, if you asked me, I was well-deserving of a break.

And, in my opinion, sleeping for a good majority of the day, eating junk food and absolutely nothing with any nutritional value, and swinging wildly from one mood to another was just the kind of break I deserved.

I mean, who cared if I got fat from too much shitty food and lack of exercise? Who would mind if my face was constantly broken out from the tears I had no energy to wipe from my face?

No one.

No one cared about me anymore. Least of all the man I wanted to care about me. And I wanted him to care about me more than anything in the world.

Severus dominated my waking thoughts, my daydreams, and my nightmares. He was always there, and he always loved me. Sometimes he begged forgiveness on his hands and knees. Other times he simply acted as if nothing had happened and he'd never left me after taking my virginity and running. Either scenario was acceptable to me, though I must admit, the first one was more appealing. As long as he came back. As long as he took me back.

In all honesty, if he had shown up on my door and said he wanted nothing more than to fuck me senseless and leave again, I knew I would have welcomed him in with open arms. He was all I had, and if that was all I could be to him, so be it. I just wanted him back. There was no doubt in my mind. Severus was my one, my only, my soul mate. There would be no other "fish in the sea." He was my only hope. He was the only one who would ever be able to know me because he was the only one who could completely understand me. We were so similar in so many ways, and I knew that even if I could manage to find another man whose family had been killed by Death Eaters, whose favorite color was red, who loved Muggle literature, and who had a strange fascination with the art of potions making, I would never, ever meet another man who had stood with me on the battlefield. I would never find a man who could understand what it was to be there on that terrible, terrible morning.

Yes, Severus Snape was my one true love, and since he had decided to take himself out of the picture, I felt absolutely no desire to keep myself in bikini shape.

One night, sitting alone in the dark eating ice cream and watching horror movies as had become my custom, I saw the familiar yellowed parchment flutter down from the chimney and land on the hearth.

Oh, goody.

Can't wait to see what's new and exciting in the deluded little world of Draco Malfoy.

Moving to retrieve the letter while simultaneously shouting at the big-breasted heroine of the movie ("Don't run up the stairs! Don't run up the- Don't! Oh, you stupid bitch!"), I was shaken out of my horror movie hysteria as a large object fell into my fireplace. Standing halfway between the television and the fireplace, I squinted, trying half-heartedly to see what had fallen (a bird, I guessed) but was still completely engrossed in the movie.

"Don't say 'I'll be right back!'" I shouted angrily, still paying more attention to the film than the threat from Malfoy. His letters were all beginning to run together. "Mudblood" this and "kill you" that. It was almost like listening to an Eminem CD, but not nearly as entertaining.

"Oh, there, you see? I told you not to say 'I'll be right back!' Jason has other plans for you, doesn't he?" Honestly, you'd think these girls would know they were in a horror movie the first time one of their friends pulled Freddy Krueger out of a dream! Instantly annoyed by the girls' stupidity, I abandoned the film and moved to inspect the fireplace.

Kneeling in front of the grate, it only took a split second for me to see what had caused the thud, though I tried deperately to wish it away. It couldn't be; it wasn't possible.

But it was.

Lying amid the ashes, head turned completely backward with eyes glossed over and blood dried in a thin, sticky trickle from his nose, was my beloved Crookshanks.

I screamed as tears began streaming down my face of their own accord. Panic-stricken, I tried to touch him, but as soon as my hand crossed the threshold, fire blazed to life, encompassing my poor cat's body and filling the room with an unbearable stench. I began to gag but before I could move, the parchment that had arrived before Crookshanks' body leapt out of the fire unscathed. It hovered over the violently dancing fire for a moment before it too burst into flames. But instead of merely fading away, the parchment burned to reveal writing- bright green and glittery like the embers of a dying fireworks display. The letters formed to spell out an ominous warning.

"Soon, Mudblood."

It amazing how quickly one's emotions can change. I was suddenly very, very sure I wasn't ready to die, though just ten minutes ago I would have welcomed death.

Shocked into caring about my mortality, I jumped to my feet, looking around cautiously for a couple of seconds before doing the dumbest fucking thing I could have done.

I ran up the fucking stairs.

"Where the fuck are you, Malfoy, huh? Show yourself, you fucking ferret bastard! Come and get me, cock-sucking mothckercker!" I raged almost incoherently as I stalked through every room of my house searching for my would-be assailant. After I was confident he wasn't hiding in my house, I made my way to the garden and repeated my demand.

I knew he was there. I could feel his cold eyes all over my body. I could feel his breath against my ear.

"Show yourself, motherfucker!" Tearing through the garden, I could FEEL him laughing at me. Unbidden visions of Malfoy throughout our years at Hogwarts sprang to my eyes. ghinghing at me, always laughing at me. And when he wasn't, he was threatening me, maligning me, hating me. I could see his cold sneer in my mind and I saw him mouth his earlier warning.

"Soon, Mudblood."

I ran faster and faster toward what I sensed to be my ultimate goal, and just as I was about to run out of breath, I stopped dead in my tracks. Something had moved behind a tree, and I'd caught a glimpse of moonlight reflected off platinum hair. I charged toward the tree, adrenaline and pure stupidity guiding my every movement, but I simply could not catch him. As I rounded the tree to come face to face with nothing but air, I actually did hear him laugh at me. It was not imagined, it was not remembered. Somewhere on my property Malfoy was waiting for me. For what, I could not say for certain, but I had my fair share of ideas. I was still alert enough to recall that raping, torturing, and murdering had always beenh onh on the list of Death Eater favorites.

My head whipped wildly from side to side trying to locate the sound, but I only became more confused and frustrated the more I looked. Angry, defeated tears rolled down my face, and I began to loudly sob. Stumbling back against the tree I tried not to think of how much I looked like one of those stupid girls in the movie I had been watching no more than five minutes earlier. I was a sobbing, hysterical mess with not one clear, conscious thought in my head.

Man, I've got to give Monica Keena and Jennifer Love Hewitt more credit! If I, most logical thinker of the century award-winner was now calling out a killer, running up staircases instead of out doors, and giving up the chase as soon as I sensed the attacker was near, then I suppose it MUST simply be human nature.

Leaning against the heavy oak, I panted, willing my breath to stabilize enough to again try and track Malfoy down. I wanted him now. If he was going to play games with me, I would finish what I couldn't the night of that battle- I would kill him where he stood. He killed my parents, he killed my cat, and he was scaring the living shit out of me. If I ever got my hands on him...

All of a sudden, his hand was over my mouth, and he aggressively rubbed the length of his body up against my back, pulling me into him and laughing as he used one hand to pull the hair to one side of my neck, laying his lips along the exposed skin there. Immediately panic-stricken and disgusted, I squirmed and whimpered, but this only made him laugh harder in between his violent kisses and violating licks. Maintaining a firm hold on me, he roughly shoved one hand between my legs and began to move it, smiling against my neck and whispering humiliating, debasing things into my ear. Suddenly speechless, I moved hard against him, trying to fight my way free. Malfoy was obviously unamused as he not only kept me devastatingly close to his body (and the erection he was now wiggling against my back side), but he bit my neck, drawing blood. Still laughing maniacally, he licked at the thin trickle of blood coming from the puncture. Lapping it up, he then licked the side of my face, smearing it with the disgusting combination of my blood and his saliva. Seeing the obvious dismay and horror on my face, he repeated the action, this time stopping his tongue inches from my ear before whispering hoarsely into it.

"Soon, Mudblood."

I squirmed more violently, trying to shake him, but with a pop he was gone. As soon as I was free of him and that god-awful hand was not clenched tightly around my mouth, I closed my eyes and let out a blood-curdling scream.

Opening my eyes, I knew that I had stopped screaming, but for some reason I could still hear it. Looking around for anyone else in peril, anyone else in my yard, I was quite dumb-founded. There was no one else around, but I still heard the unearthly moans cutting through to my center. In an attempt to rid myself of the noise, I shook my head violently, clenching my fists over my ears.

And woke up.

Looking around myself, I was disoriented for a moment. I could still hear the screaming. But soon, the source of my confusion became clear to my sleepy, hazed mind. I sighed very disgustedly as I looked to the television and saw one of the chicks from Destiny's Child giving Jason Voorhees mouth to mouth. God, no wonder someone had screamed. Eew.

Fucking "Freddy Vs. Jason!"

Rubbing my temples, I turned off the television, disgusted with myself for letting the dream unnerve me so much. It had been disturbing but by no means my scariest nightmare. Glancing at the clock on the VCR, I yawned and stood. I decided I probably wouldn't sleep again that night, so I made my way upstairs for a long hot shower. As I trudged up the stairs I never noticed Crookshanks' collar laying charred in the fireplace or the singed parchment that lay beside it. I never realized my neck was bleeding or that, despite my protestations in my dream, I was slightly damp between my legs. And I never saw the cold silver eyes tracking my every move through the big picture window. In fact, as I prepared for my shower, theam eam was the furthest thing from my mind. I had had plenty of nightmares since the final battle, and I knew that no matter what happened, they were just dreams and could not compete with the horror of reality. But as I reached the top of the stairs, a sudden flash of memory invaded my senses, and I was sure I heard Draco Malfoy whisper to me.

Soon, Mudblood.

*************************A/N**********************
Thank You!

Deb: Always the fastest reviewer out there! Thank you SO much for your awesome reviews; they mean SO much to me (especially when they say Severus is actually *gasp* in character!)! You rock! And you know I can't tell you if they'll be together, but, yes, I am on vacation now and I wouldn't be surprised if I got the majority of the rest of this out this week (maybe all of it, but I'm not promising!) Thanks!!!!!!!

JennD: Yes, Snape is being an ass, but I must confess, I had a very similar thought proceo tho the one he had in ch.18. However, I stayed with the guy and the intuition turned out to be true, but anyways... No, Severus doesn't listen to you reviewers. I keep him locked away so you can't sway his thinking and ruin my story!

deblovesdragon: Oh, my DM, I am sure I am not KILLING you. Only torturing you slightly! As far as the vice grip... could be a kinky kinda sequel...?... Thanks for the review!

spaz141: *tear* THANK YOU! Your review was so, so wonderful. I admit, bei som somewhat self-concious girl, the word "beautiful" has a profound effect on me, so your review was the absolute best! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! And thanks for not hitting me! And I definitely am NOT trying to kill you! Just having some fun wrenching emotions from people!

Droxy: Glad to know you're still here! But I can't tell you about the superspecial happy ending where they get married and Britney Spears performs at the reception, and- oh! Now I've gone and ruined it for everyone! See what you made me do? :) Thanks for reviewing!

Bambu: Don't forsake your kids on account of me! I'm so honored that you would read this whole monster in one sitting! Man, my butt goes numb just writing one chapter! Thank you so much, you will never know how deeply it is appreciated!

Florentia: WOO-HOO! Thanks! I'll keep writing if you keep reviewing!

PinkTribeChick: Why thank you, thank you very much! Hope you liked thne! ne!

GrrArrg: Yeah, what's up, bitch? Think you're too good to review? Think just cause you're my only friend you can skip past the groveling? Well, think again, bitch, 'cause the smut train stops for no man, and if you're not onboard, you're gonna miss out.
Having said that and having no idea what it means, I must remind you that:
A. You DO NOT hate me.
B. I'd LIKE for you to spank me (as we discussed earlier when you declined to comment on where exaclty I'd be sore)
C. I TOLD you that I had no right to be upset about the lack of happy ending in "Strong Enough."
D. I would make Simon cry; I'm too much woman for him. Plus, he'd still be superduper hot while crying, I bet.
and
E. Yeah, baby! Let Garcia arrest me. Bet he breaks out the handcuffs! Fuck yeah, baby!
Glad you liked it!