Triumph Out of the Bitter Taste of Ashes

Eeep! Sorry to disappoint anyone, but \'the scene\' you might be expecting won\'t show up here. ::ducks::

Barrie -- LOL, yes, they do that to me quite regularly. And Teehee, Hermione\'s not done screaming yet. : )~ She just thinks she is.
Deb -- Sorry to disappoint, but we won\'t be seeing what happened after Hermione\'s \'foot in mouth\' question. It will come up later in her memories, thougharfiarfie -- LOLOL I *almost* wrote that exact line. ::snickers::
Shemham -- Indeed she is. LOL But as to Sev/Herm, not for awhile yet, I\'m afraid, but in the next few chapters, we\'ll be seeing them working more closely together. : )
Frolicking_Nomad -- Hi! Thank you for your very insightful feedback. LOVE the idea about changing the Weasley at the beginning to one of the others. : ) Hope you don\'t mind if I take you up on that. It would certainly make the changing of that scene less wholesale. And no, she\'s not aware she\'s pregnant (which no one else realizes btw) I\'m so jazzed that you picked up on that connection about the \'visible\' scars. That\'s exactly what I was trying to point out. ::grins:: -- this is all made much more clear in this chapter.

I don\'t know if you\'d technically call it denial or not, but what little I know about amnesia -- and I\'m the very first to admit I\'m *far* from an expert, lol -- is sometimes when memories come rushing back like they did in her case, often memories of what happened while suffering from amnesia become either blurred, or lost entirely, kind of like reverse amnesia or something. That\'s what I\'ve used here. Most of her time spent with the Annetti\'s is not clear to her at all, some of it missing completely. She just never bothered to tell anyone that -- not that she *knew* she was actively missing memories, just that things were . . . unclear. : ) Hope that helps.

Oh! and, yes, you\'re right. Being 3 to 4 months pregnant definitely affects your balance. It\'s amazing how much actually, considering how little your body might have changed. As to that, it varies so significantly, it\'s entirely possble for both extremes. ie. For her not to show at all at this point, or for it to be obvious. My first pregnancy, I could \'hide\' it if I dressed right until well after I was 6 months along. My third I couldn\'t do that by the end of my third month. ::shrugs:: It depends a lot on how the child is positioned.

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Chapter Nineteen
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Hermione stepped out of the muggle cab, never so grateful to be home in her entire life. This time yesterday, she\'d been absolutely certain she was never going to see the outside of Hogwarts ever again -- not alive anyway. She *still* couldn\'t believe she\'d called Professor Snape an idiot -- even if she had done it inadvertently. She was even more surprised that she\'d been out of detention, papers in hand, less than two minutes later.

Her ears had been ringing, but she\'d been *free*. She laughed ruefully. Of course, she now had a project that would probably take her most of the break to complete, but then, she always did. So, that wasn\'t exactly a big change. In fact, it was a huge piece of normal that she was all for.

She was, however, going to have to owl the professor. After her rather embarrassing . . . gaffe, she had hightailed it out of his class so fast, she hadn\'t managed to get some of the specifics she needed. For instance, if her name was going to be included *anywhere* and in *anyway* with this, she was going to need a little longer, because she wasn\'t going to trust anyone else\'s research.

She loved Ron dearly, but his research methods usually left something to be desired. And Malfoy? She shuddered involuntarily, but harshly pushed aside the reaction, burying it so deeply it hopefully wouldn\'t see the light of day for the next decade at least. Malfoy\'s \'research\' she didn\'t trust not to have a . . . \'slant\' to it.

She sighed as she reached the door, bracing herself for her parents reception. If she wasn\'t going to worry them, tip them off that she wasn\'t exactly feeling tip top, she couldn\'t flinch when they went to hug her. She was pretty sure it\'d give the game away if she jerked back from her father screaming, \"don\'t touch me!\"

Several deep breaths later, she turned the knob and opened the door. \"Mum!\" she called out. \"Dad! I\'m home.\"

**

Sighing in a mixture of trepidation and loathing, Hermione closed the door of her bedroom behind her. The last two weeks had been both the best she\'d spent in a long time, and something of a trial. Her parents had not been notified of everything that had happened to her. **Thank God!** Being \'of age\' had that benefit, at least. They\'d only been told of her \'miraculous\' survival and that she\'d been hurt badly.

It was *great*, great beyond description, to simply be treated normally. Of course, they did go a little overboard in catering to her, but she supposed it was only understandable. For over 3 months they had thought she was dead. Having her back suddenly, well, she couldn\'t imagine what it must be like.

Unfortunately, it hadn\'t been easy, either. Maintaining the front that she was okay, that everything was perfectly normal in front of people who really thought it was, wasn\'t as easy as she wanted it to be. She jumped at the least unexpected sound, and if either of them touched her before she was aware they were going to do it, she felt like she was going to crawl out of her skin . . . literally.

Her room, her sanctuary from everything and everyone, the place she retreated to when it all became too much, or when she simply wanted to work on the project Professor Snape had given her, wasn\'t the haven she wanted it to be. Within two days of coming home, she\'d begun to have nightmares, horrifically vivid movies of everything she\'d been through, usually skewing off into what *could* have happened. She now dreaded going to sleep, and she did it later and later each night spending more and more of her nights working Ron and Malfoy\'s raw data into some kind of cohesive whole. It became her primary focus, and way of staying awake. But every morning she woke with a scream trapped in her throat, and soaked to the sheets in sweat.

As she mechanically prepared for bed, picking up a brush and mindlessly yanking it through the tangles in her hair, a part of Hermione was growing increasingly . . . frustrated. She was growing resentful of the very normality that she had so desperately craved back at Hogwarts. These were her *parents*. They were supposed to love her more than anyone ever would. Why couldn\'t they tell at a glance that something was wrong?

Weren\'t they supposed to know all, see all? Oh, she knew parents weren\'t infallible, at least her head knew that. The little girl deep inside her protested that, she wanted her mother to hold out her arms and wrap that little girl up in her arms and make all the pain and horror go away with a mother\'s kiss -- just like she used to do.

If she ever became a mother, she\'d make sure to pay attent-- Hermione\'s stomach lurched, her vision briefly going along for the ride.

~~~~~ \"I don\'t feel well, Mrs. Annetti,\" she said softly, swallowing quickly. She\'d already made one hectic trip to the toilet, she really didn\'t feel like making another.

Mrs. Annetti chuckled at her sympathetically. \"Goes hand in hand with being with child, my dear. It\'ll pass.\" ~~~~~

No! That couldn\'t be right. That had to be just an image pulled up from the countless nightmares she\'d had recently. It would certainly qualify. Her time at the Annetti\'s had become kind of fuzzy since she\'d regained her memories, but surely she wouldn\'t have forgotten something *that* significant! It was simply impossible. No way.

Her mind stopped listening to her heart, relentlessly going over every moment of the last month, the little clues that had held no meaning and she\'d ignored -- the clothes that didn\'t fit quite right anymore, the little bouts of nausea that she\'d had and attributed to stress, the emotionalism that she\'d put down to going stir crazy, or maybe just plain crazy.

She was shaking, her legs like rubber. She panted, faster and faster, until she felt like she couldn\'t draw enough air in. \"Nooooooo!\" she screamed, the brush in her hand sailing across the room and through the window with a resounding *crash*. Why? Why?

Hermione\'s thoughts went in useless circles. **Oh, God! I\'m going to be sick!** She whirled around, rushing back to the door. Wrenching it open, she shrieked as she stumbled against her mum, the contents of her stomach violently leaving her as adrenaline shot through her.

\"I\'m sorry!\" Hermione cried, sagging to her knees. \"I\'m sorry. I swear. I\'ll never be bad again. This is my punishment. It has to be. I was bad, and I\'m being punished. I let him-- I didn\'t know! I swear I didn\'t. Why didn\'t they tell me? Why?\"

Hermione babbled hysterically, nothing penetrating the fog that obscured her thoughts until she felt strong fingers grab her chin. \"Hermione!\" her father shouted, his eyes staring into hers.

\"Dad?\"

\"Why didn\'t they tell you what?\" he asked.

//You\'ve got to make a decision soon.//

\"Oh . My . God! They all *know*!\"

\"Know what, dear?\" her mother asked gently.

She couldn\'t move her head to look at her mum, but Hermione could feel her hand rubbing soothing circles on her back. \"Why?\" she whimpered. \"Why?\"

Not answering, Hermione drifted. She could hear her parents talking, talking about her as if she wasn\'t even there. She giggled, causing a sudden, short, silence. She kind of *wasn\'t* there, really.

\"Maybe we should send an owl to that Madam Pomfrey,\" her mother suggested. \"Isn\'t she the one who was taking care of--\"

Hermione\'s head snapped up as she once more found herself focusing outside herself. \"Send an owl to Professor Snape,\" she growled. \"Leave Pomfrey out of it.\"

\"I thought you hated him, dear,\" her mum protested. \"Wouldn\'t you--\"

\"Him or no one. He\'ll tell it straight. Only one I trust.\" Hermione knew she wasn\'t making much sense, but right now it was all she was capable of. She wanted nothing more than to rock and fade back inside herself and it was only with great effort that she managed not to do just that.

\"Hermione,\" her father said firmly. \"I think we need that Poppy woman to help take care of you.\"

**They think I\'m crazy. I\'m not. I\'m angry!** Oh, she was on the edge, she knew that. She was beyond hysterical; she knew that too. But that didn\'t make her crazy. She didn\'t want anyone to treat her that way.

\"Snape! Father, or NO ONE!\" she shouted, rage boiling. \"Coddle, coddle, coddle, I don\'t need to be coddled! That\'s all she\'ll do, coddle me and make me sleep. I need the TRUTH! Snape\'ll do that! He won\'t baby me. He doesn\'t treat me different now! He knows, but doesn\'t treat me different!\"

\"Send the damned Owl, Richard,\" her mother snapped.

Hermione almost laughed at her father\'s weary sigh and \'yes, dear.\'

\"Now. Hermione. *What* exactly do they \'know\'?\"

\"Oh mum!\" Hermione exclaimed, the tears finally flowing. \"Hold me please.\"

Her mother\'s expression melted and she held out her arms. \"Of course, sweetie.\"

Hermione was inside that circle not a second later. \"I\'m *so* s-sorry, Mum. I let him. I let him.\"

Her mother\'s arms trembled around her. \"What did he do?\" she asked quietly, her whispered words sounding afraid.

\"He touched me. He hurt me.\"

\"Oh my God,\" her mother breathed, her arms tightening around her.

\"I\'m sorry, Mum. I was--\"

\"No, no, Hermione, dearest. No. You didn\'t do anything wrong. It wasn\'t your fault.\"

\"But it was!\" Hermione insisted. \"It was! You don\'t understand.\"

\"Tell me, then, Hermione. Help me understand.\"

\"I wouldn\'t tell him what he wanted to know.\"

\"This man wanted you to tell him something?\"

Hermione nodded tearfully, her face still buried in her mother\'s shoulder. \"He wanted to know a way into Hogwarts. He wanted me to tell him about H-Harry.\"

\"Shhhhh,\" her mother soothed, rocking her slowly. \"You did good, baby. you did good.\"

The words intended to comfort sent a fresh torrent of tears down her cheeks, and sobs shaking her shoulders. \"I-I\'m p-pregnant.\"

\"What?!\" her mother exclaimed, pulling back in her shock. She immediately tightened her arms again however, to Hermione\'s immense relief.

Fear coursed through her. Would they hate her now? She\'d let that . . . that . . . *scum* touch her. She\'d let him make her . . . dirty and worthless. And now he\'d planted himself inside her, growing, taking root!

\"We\'ll figure it out, Hermione,\" her mother murmured tentatively after several eternally long moments.

It was as if even her mother was lost, as lost as she was. That didn\'t help. She tightened her already tight grip on her mother and simply held on. She didn\'t know how long she did so, but was grateful that her mother allowed it to continue. It felt like she\'d come home, that maybe, just maybe everything really would be okay.

\"Honey?\" her mother said softly, \"I don\'t know how to ask this without sounding insulting one way or the other, but. . . .\"

Hermione pulled back when her mother\'s words trailed off, sniffing, and wiping her palms across the ttractracks on her face. \"What is it, Mum?\" **Please don\'t make me leave!**

Her mother took a deep breath, her eyes never wavering, despite the uncertainty Hermione could see in them. \"Do you want to \'take care of\' this?\"

Hermione gasped. \"Isn\'t it too late for that?\" she asked.

\"Indeed it is, Miss Granger,\" Professor Snape said sternly.

Hermione screamed, leaping to her feet. \"You scared the *crap* out of me, Professor!\" she snapped.

\"Yes,\" Professor Snape drawled, smirking. \"I believe I did at that. I should award points to Slytherin.\"

Hermione snorted, even as her parents gasped in outrage. Weak chuckles escaped her, sounding -- and feeling -- the weirdest mix of amusement and hysteria she\'d *ever* experienced. The comment was just *so* . . . *Snape*.

\"One point to Slytherin, Professor Snape,\" Hermione said, beginning to giggle the moment he snorted sourly.

She\'d been assigned as Head Girl this year. She wondered if she still had any privileges. If so, she doubted assigning points to a professor was among them.

\"No see here,\" Richard Granger began hotly.

\"Dad,\" Hermione interrupted. \"Please don\'t.\"

Her father, looking completely nonplused subsided. He wasn\'t happy about it, though.

\"You were quite correct a moment ago, *Miss* Granger,\" Snape sneered. \"Your selfish desire to put off the decision--\"

\"Selfish!?\" Hermione screamed, squaring her shoulders, planting her hands firmly on her hips. \"How could I make a decision I didn\'t bloody well know about?!\" she demanded angrily. \"Huh? Answer me that!\"

Professor Snape frowned at her. \"What do you mean by that, Miss Granger?\" he demanded right back. \"Mrs. Annetti assured us that you--\"

\"Oh!\" Hermione exclaimed, stamping her foot in frustration. \"And of course *no one* took into account the fact that I\'d lost my bloody memory and that I might not *possibly* be just teeny bit *CONFUSED*?\"

Professor Snape\'s glare deepened. \"Miss Granger!\" he snapped, scowling as fiercely as she\'d ever seen him. He continued speaking, but his words faded as she herself ranted.

\"You need to *decide*, Miss Granger. There\'s not much *time*, Miss Granger. Don\'t worry about anything else, Miss Granger, simply rest, recover and think about what you *need* to do. All that poking, and pushing, and prodding, and not bloody *once* did *anyone* ever say. Miss Granger, are you going to keep or abort the baby Lucius Malfoy forced on you!\"

Suddenly her jaw was gripped again, only this time it wasn\'t done gently. Her mouth was pried open and she tasted that utterly *foul* calming potion again. She swallowed, choking and sputtering, shuddering, hoping she could actually keep it down. As she began to feel it take effect, she listened as Professor Snape offered to spell away the mess Hermione had made across her mother.

Blinking, finding her center balance again, her troubles seeming far less immediate, and world crashing, Hermione watched as Professor Snape spelled away the awful stench.

\"I\'m sorry, Professor,\" Hermione mumbled.

Glaring, Professor Snape ignored her apology. \"You are telling me no one, not even once mentioned your condition specifically? Not even Poppy in regard to medical care?\"

Hermione shook her head, sighing. It didn\'t seem so important right now, though. \"No,\" she said. \"They never said anything directly about *anything*, always trying to be *tactful*, *discreet*,\" she sneered, imitating her potions Professor\'s common enough tone almost perfectly. \"I finally resorted to getting a bit hysterical every time they tried to get me to \'make a decision\'. It seemed so random, like they were trying to force something I had no clue about on me,\" she confessed quietly.

Her head snapped back up as Professor Snape mumbled something -- no doubt something derogatory -- under his breath.

\"We need to return to Hogwarts,\" he ordered firmly. \"I\'ll wait in the front room.\" With that, he nodded once and swept away, disappearing down the stairs.

\"Yes, Sir,\" Hermione replied.


TBC
Kiristeen
Feedback: Muchly appreciated. : )
Kiristeen@kiristeen.com

AN: Things begin to lighten up a *little* bit from here on, gradually getting better.

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