Reflections

He stopped pacing because any kind of movement attracted the dementors. With all of these thoughts swirling around in his head, he soon became tired and his head felt thick and cluttered. He curled up in the furthest corner of his cell and fell into a fitful sleep and dreamt of the lives he destroyed.

He awoke some time in the early morning. The sun wasn’t up yet and the halls were quiet. He heard the occasional dementor whisk past his cell but they didn’t have much interest in him. He stood looking up into the tiny barred window at the stars still twinkling in the pitch-black sky. How he longed to be out under the stars. He knew this was impossible and pushed the dreams of his short life to the back of his mind. Instead, he concentrated on where he could have possibly gone so wrong. He couldn’t pin point one particular incident that pushed him over to evil, but there were several small occurrences that had eaten away at him over the years he spent at Hogwarts. The more he thought of it, the more it disgusted him that he took everything so personally. He took constant ribbing from Sirius and James, be it about his lack of a girlfriend or the way he had the habit of putting on weight in the winter months. He knew they had loved him like a brother and the thoughts pained him but he let them wash over him.

**

They were entering their fourth year at Hogwarts. The train ride was as it usually was. The constant chatter of what they did over the summer. Their talks of how they were progressing in their secret Animagi lessons. What pranks they planed on pulling. Who would be worthy of Remus’ Marauder’s Map. By this time, Lilly had joined them in the last compartment and her presence was always welcomed. She could joke with the rest of them and was particularly useful to Peter. His Animagi lessons were not going as fast as he would have liked but with her help, he was progressing much better than before she joined them.

The year was going smoothly, much more than their previous years. Even with theeat eat of O.W.L.s in their future, they were all confident of their skills and had no fear. One particularly beautiful spring night, they decided that they would be taking a hike into the Forbidden Forest. They took their wands and cloaks and snuck into the forest just after curfew.

James and Sirius led them, followed by Remus and Peter bringing up the tail end. They walked in silence until they reached a small clearing. Sirius started a roaring fire and they sat around nd jnd just talked. Finally, James stood up and declared that he was bored.
“I want to see what’s beyond this clearing. We always stop here. Why don’t we just go a few more meters in and see what we can find?” he asked. He was trying to peer over the small hill at the edge of their clearing and finding it futile. He looked at Sirius who was wearing a smirk that could only mean that this was all part of the plan. He too, rose and brushed off his cloak. They started walking towards the hill when James stopped and turned on him and Remus.
“So are you going to sit there all night or are you coming with us?” he said with a grin.
Peter and Remus looked at each other and shrugged in unison. They rose and caught up with them quickly.
The first thing they noticed is past their clearing the ground cover was getting thicker, the trees looming closer. They felt the path narrow considerably and briars grabbing at their cloaks. They walked about 100 meters past their clearing before Remus, their voice of reason, spoke up.
“Hey guys, I think we should head back. This path is dwindling and if we lose it, we may not find our way out. We could end up wandering in here forever,” he said nervously.
“Belt up Moony. We’re fine. I can find my way back blindfolded,” Sirius quipped.
“Maybe he’s right, Sirius. I mean, we’ve never been this far into the forest and it’s starting to get so wild. We know it’s going to just keep getting worse. If we head back now, I promise, we’ll come back during the day so we can at least see where we’re going and what’s ahead of us,” James said worriedly. Peter kept quiet, but was hoping that Sirius would reconsider their trek deeper into the forest with out daylight.
Suddenly, Sirius stopped ahead of them. It was like he’d been frozen to the very ground.
“What is it Siri?” James asked just over a whisper. Sirius didn’t reply. He stood still and put his hand up as if to motion them to stop. When he finally did turn, he screamed at them.
“RUN! I don’t know what it is but it’s coming towards us. RUN!”
Peter had tried to turn, but was passed quickly by James, Sirius and Remus. He ran as fast as he could but got his cloak caught in a low branch and stumbled down the steep edge of the path they were walking. Had it been daylight, they would have realized that the path lay on an incline that led into parts unknown.
Once Peter regained his composure, he didn’t know where he was or how to get out. The sounds of his friends running and screaming for him diminish as they got further from him. He wanted nothing more than to sit here and weep but he collected his thoughts and pulled his wand out.
“Point me,” he said shakily. The tip of the wand pointed north, h heh he realized was of no use to him. He had never paid attention to what direction they went when they entered the forest.
“Lumos,” he whispered. The end of his wand illuminated and he tried to assess from which direction he had fallen. He walked a few meters upwards till he found where he had slid and started the arduous task of walking back up to the path. About halfway up, he heard something and it didn’t sound like his friends.
“Nox,” he murmured and the light extinguished. He lay down as close to the ground as he could without obstructing his view of the path over head. What he saw made the very air in his lungs freeze and he found he wouldn’t have been able to move had he tried.
Standing on the path, at the exact spot that he had slipped, stood an enormous spider. He’d heard Hagrid, the grounds keeper of Hogwarts; tell of a great many fascinating (which in normal terms meant dangerous) creatures within the confines of the forest. This must be one of those creatures. This must be what made Sirius stop in his tracks. The thought of a spider scaring the fearless Sirius Black brought smile to Peter’s face, but he dare not let out the chuckle he was fighting back. The spider seemed quickly bored and turned to head down the path from where it came. He lay there for at least half an hour more then chanced another run in with the gigantic spider by heading back up the hill to the path. When he reached it, he ran in the opposite direction that the spider headed. He ran like he’d never run before. Finally, he found the clearing. The fire was still blazing but he couldn’t see his friends. He sat down, completely exhausted, and started crying. He’d never been so terrified in his whole life. The realization that he almost became dinner for a spider that was easily his size or larger hit him full force and he sobbed.
He heard branches snap around him and he stopped crying. His first thought was that the spider had returned for its snack. He was frozen, just as Sirius had been when he’d first spotted it. When he looked around, he saw multiple areas of brush moving and one of them was enormous. He thought for sure that the spider had returned with some of its larger friends and this was the end of him. He felt his bladder let go and the warm trickle of urine coursing down his leg. Just when he thought it was the end, a large hand rested on his shoulder and his friends appeared in the clearing around him.
The large hand belonged to Hagrid. Apparently, the other three had gone to him for help. They knew if they had taken this to the headmaster, they would all be expelled. Hagrid was a friend to them all and knew this forest better than anyone else at Hogwarts. They were all panting and out of breath, their faces were smudged with dirt and grime covered their cloaks. How they were going to hide all this from anyone in the school was beyond comprehension, but Peter knew they’d find a way.
“Let’s get you back to my hut where we can clean the lot of you up. You all look a shambles,” Hagrid said with a touch of anger in his voice. None of them had heard him raise his voice, but they figured if there was ever a good time for him to do it, this would be it. The walked silently back to Hagrid’s hut in a single file line. None of them daring speak for fear of having him scream at them out in the middle of the grounds.
They took off their boots and cloaks at the door. Peter had completely forgotten about his accident at the clearing and the other three were standing there looking at him wide eyed.
“What?” he asked innocently. When he followed their gaze, he realized instantly. He hurriedly put his cloak back on and went into Hagrid’s hut where he curled up in a corner hugging his knees. The first of the others to enter was James. He walked up to Peter and sat next to him.
“Hey Peter. Don’t worry about them. They’re not going to say anything; I won’t let ‘em. I promise,” he said quietly.
Peter buried his face in his knees and started crying again. James patted him on the back then threw his arm over his shoulders. A few moments later, Sirius and Remus entered, both looking somber. They didn’t say a word, but sat at Hagrid’s huge table and waited for him to return. The tension was thick in the air. Peter was waiting for the trademark cheeky comments from Sirius, but they never came and he was thankful.
Hagrid returned and gave them all a great deal of chastising. They left his hut a great deal cleaner and much less enthused about the Forbidden Forest. They snuck through the castle and (after a great deal more punishing words from the Fat Lady in the portrait) returned to their beds with no one the wiser. Exhausted, they all fell right to sleep.

The next morning was an entirely different story. Sirius decided to start the day with a slight reenactment of last night’s events. He started with picking on Remus for his overly cautious view on the whole venture. Then moved on to James and his agreement with Remus. By the time he had finished with them, they were all laughing hysterically and making fun of him back. Even Peter, who was still embarrassed about the whole incident, was laughing and joking with them. Sirius over stepped his boundary when he started on Peter.
“I tell you all to run and he just stands there, glued to the ground. I almost knocked him over trying to get past him!” he exclaimed with a chuckle in his voice.
James and Remus gave a nervous giggle and returned their attention to getting ready for classes. Apparently, Sirius had not taken the hint kep kept going.
“Then when he finally DOES move his arse, he falls down the hill. To top it all off, he soils himself and has to be led home like a lost pup.”
Sirius was laughing at his own jokes and ignored the fact that Peter was completely mortified. James looked from one to the other and before he could say anything, Peter stormed out of the hal half dressed with all of his books in tow.
Peter recalled hearing James yelling at Sirius as he left, but didn’t hear what was said. He was humiliated bad enough the previous night with out having to be reminded of it. To top it off, James had promised him that nothing would ever be mentioned again. Anger such as he’d never known rose through his entire being. Had he been thinking clearly, he might have ended their lives on the spot, or at least hurt them terribly. As it was, he was so angry all he could see was red. He ignored the fact that he was still half dressed and went to their common room to finish. He made it a point to leave before they appeared and decided a day with out classes wouldn’t hurt. He exited the school and headed towards the Forbidden Forest. Upon reaching the clearing, he threw his books to the side and sat down to stew in his anger and temporary hatred.
At first, he’d never questioned the Sorting Hat’s decision. He had been placed in Gryffindor and always assumed that was just where he belonged. Now, he was questioning the wise hat and thought his proper place may well have been in Slytherin. The ideas running through his head at this time were similar to the tales he had heard about some of the more cunning and evil Slytherins that had attended Hogwarts in the past. He wanted to hurt them, and hurt them terribly, and not just Sirius. He heard the way James and Remus were laughing riglonglong with him. So much for the promises of James Potter, he thought. He pulled out his wand and performed some simple charms on some of the insects and leaves around him.
Shortly after arriving, he heard footsteps coming from behind him. He hid behind a large stump and listened to whomever it was coming to invade his privacy. Immediately he recognized the voices of James and Sirius.
“I can’t believe you did something so brainless Sirius! You KNEW he was totally humiliated by what happened and you told me you’d never mention it again,” James spat at Sirius angrily.
“How was I supposed to know huld uld get all defensive and take it personally? I mean…It’s not like I told EVERYONE…I just joked about it to,” Sirius said before James cut him off.
“That’s just it! You JOKED about it. You made a joke out of his shame. You really are pathetic some times Sirius Black,” James retorted.
Peter sat in disbelief at the conversation taking place between s ans and Sirius. He’d never heard them fight and it made him feel guilty for being the cause of it.
Just as he was about to show his face and make them stop fighting, Sirius spoke up and changed the way he would see the rest of them for the rest of their lives.
“You know James, if he would have just LISTENED to us when we said run, none of this would have happened. He’s all the time dragging us down and holding us back. He’s too cowardly to do most of the things we do. Hell, he wouldn’t even be half way to where he is now on the Animagi had Lilly not stepped in and started helping him,” he paused. “You realize, James, that Lilly doesn’t trust him, don’t you? She said he gives her the oddest feeling that he’s just not trustworthy. I don’t know about that, but I do know, I can only have so much patience with him,” Sirius said softly. James didn’t reply with words but Peter heard the rush of air and a hand connecting with bare skin. He assumed that James had slapped Sirius. Before he knew what was happening, he heard the sounds of them wrestling in the dried leaves on the ground. He was tempted to jump out then, but decided to wait and see what else he could find out. Seconds later, Remus spoke up.
“Both of you knock it off! Fighting won’t solve this. We need to find Peter and Sirius; you need to apologize. All this fighting won’t solve anything. He’s lost and probably pissed off to high heaven at all of us.”
The sounds of them getting off the ground and brushing themselves off came next. They searched the little clearing for a few more minutes and then left. When he was sure he was alone, he returned to the clearing, lit a fire and curled up next to a rock. He dreamt of torturing Sirius and slept with a smile on his face.

He returned to Hogwarts very early the next morning. After sneaking into bed, he fell into a dreamless sleep. He was exhausted from the emotion of the previous day and wondered if he’d be able to go to classes yet again today. In what seemed like no time, he was being shaken awake.
“Peter. Hey Peter, wake up,” Remus said quietly.
Peter rolled over and looked sleepily up at Remus. He wore a troubled look.
“What…What’s going on?” Peter asked.
“Nothing much. I just wanted to talk to you before the others woke up,” he said as he sat down on the edge of the bed. “I was worried about you yesterday. We went to the forest looking for you, but you weren’t there. We searched all of the tunnels leading to Hogsmeade and even the Shrieking Shack, but you weren’t there either. ookeooked all over Hogwarts, asked people about you and tried all of the places that we figured you’d be hiding. Where did you go?” he asked.
Peter considered telling Remus that he had heard everything, but decided to play stupid.
“Well, you must have just missed me. I spent a great deal of time at both the Shrieking Shack and in the forest but I sure didn’t see of yof you there. I just had to work things out on my own. I’m not mad, really,” he said quickly. Remus looked at him disbelieving for a moment, then smiled.
“Are you sure you’re not mad? Sirius wants to apologize. He realizes what a total ass he’s been. He and James had quite the little scuffle over you yesterday. Wait till you see him! Siri has a busted lip and a black eye. James has a few scratches on his face but other than that, you can’t even tell that he was in a fight.”
Peter just grinned groggily and chuckled. He thanked Remus and politely told him he needed more sleep. After pulling back the hangings around his bed, he laid back, hands laced behind his head and thought about it all.
The truth comes out, he thought. He knew now, no matter how long it would take, he’d find a way to repay Sirius and Lilly for their distrust and apparent loathing of him. Again his thoughts turned to the Sorting Hat and he questioned its decision before ding ing off into a dreamless sleep.