Harry Potter and the Unauthorized Biography

TITLE: The Thin White Fluke

TITLE: Harry Potter and the Unauthorized Biography. 2/5
Author: SheilaB
Email: freerose28@hotmail.com
Rated: R-NC17
Pairings: Draco/Harry, Draco/Pansy, Harry/Colin, Draco/Mundungus ,
Draco/Stubby Boardman, Harry/Stubby Boardman, Sirius Black/Stubby Boardman
Other Characters: Ginny, Gilderoy Lockhart.
Summary: VERY AU. Ten years from today, journalist Colin Creevey is
dispatched to find out what happened to controversial rock superstar Draco
Malfoy. In the process he learns some surprising things, and uncovers some
painful memories of his own. Featuring Femmy!Draco, Angry! Harry, and Jealous
Fag Hag! Pansy.
Categories: Humor, Parody, AU
Feedback : Fan fiction is a prostitute, It should be tarted up! The writing
is the mask, while I in my chiffon and taff.. well.. want feedback really badly.

Disclaimer : Although the following is a work of fiction, it should
nevertheless be played at MAXIMUM VOLUME.
(other notes to follow at the end)
This is written as a movie script.
**
EXT: HOGWARTS DAY 1976
FLETCHER
(is talking in voice over as we watch Sirius Black and Stubby Boardman making
out under a tree They both have exaggerated 19hairhair and their uniform pants
are slightly flared)
The wizard Glams took their cue from the Muggles and were the first magical
boys to wear makeup and ridiculously high shoes.
SIRIUS (addressing Stubby between kisses)
So, are you a mod or a rocker?
STUBBY
I'm a mocker.
A gang of Slytherins pass by. Lucius Malfoy is among them, he is winding a
gold watch rather obviously as he turns to give them both a nasty look.
FLETCHER
It was a time when we'd all try something at least once..
CUT TO
INT: EMPTY HOGWARTS CLASSROOM NIGHT 1976
CLOSE UP PAN on Stubby as he plays casually with the gold watch. He smirks
down at a half naked Lucius kneeling in front of him. Stubby drops his
Hufflepuff tie on the floor.
FLETCHER
Style always wins out in the end. Well, blackmail works too.
COLIN (voice over)
But what about DRACO, how did you meet MALFOY?
(we are shown a brief scene of Fletcher watching Draco from the audience at a
small gay club in Diagon Alley)
FLETCHER
Oh, him? I met him at a small gay club in Diagon Alley. He and his wife had a
whole act they'd put together and I was just amazed at his-talent- I offered to
manage him and he agreed.
CUT TO:
EXT: A GRASSY FIELD, DAY 1999.
An outdmusimusic festival. Witches and wizards meander around, some lie
draped over each other on the grass.
FLETCHER
Draco had always wanted to be a pop star of some kind. He loved attention,
even negative attention. Which he got a lot of at The Summer Solstice Music
Festival, in 1999.
Shots of the crowd booing him, and Draco shouting insults back at them. He
finally has to be dragged off the stage. His bare knees and Muggle
clothing have not gone over well with the ultra conservative wizard crowd.

If you ask me, I think he looked cute but wizards have this thing about bare
legs.
INT: BACKSTAGE: DAY. 1999.
Draco is storming around, shoving things in his bag.
PANSY
You were great, they loved you!
DRACO
Are you kidding? I went down like a Knockturn Alley whore (to Fletcher) This
is all YOUR fault, you useless old man!
ANNOUNCER
Boy Who Lived, lead singer and founder of the best garage band to come out of
Surrey.. HAARRRY POTTER!
CUT TO:
EXT: STAGE, NIGHT 1999.
Draco, Pansy and Fletcher are walking along the grass. There is an unearthly
scream as a thin young man leaps onto the stage.
CLOSE UP on FLETCHER in PRESENT DAY
Harry Potter.
FAST CUT
EXT: STAGE NIGHT 1999.
Lights, guitars (Good Charlotte, "Anthem") Harry Potter is shirtless and only
in a pair of skintight black leather trousers. He stands there as the crowd
screams, and he slowly and deliciously pours a bottle of butterbeer all over his
torso.
FLETCHER
Harry Potter. Founder of The Banshees of Doom.
HARRY
It's a new day But it all feels old It's a good life, That's what
I'm told But everything, it all just feels the same QUICK CUT
TO
EXT: DARK FOREST. SOMETIME IN THE PAST
A stag, a wolf, a rat and a big black dog race past in the shadows
HARRY
At my high school It felt more to me Like a jail cell, a penitentiary
My time spent there, it only made me see That I don't ever wanna be like
you I don't wanna do the things you do I'm never gonna hear the words
you say And I don't ever wanna, I don't ever wanna be
FLETCHER (voice over)
Son of the famous James Potter, godson of Sirius Black. Harry was orphaned at
the age of ond pnd packed off to live with the worst sort of Muggles imaginable.

Flashback shot of Hagrid and Sirius arguing over Harry. Sirius is finally
allowed to say goodbye to Harry and pins the emerald earring Stubby once gave
him to Harry’s blanket.
EXT: STAGE, NIGHT 1999.
HARRY
You Don't wanna be just like you What I'm sayin' is This is the
anthem Throw all your hands up You Don't wanna be you "Go to
college, a university Get a real job" That's what they said to me
But I could never live the way they want I'm gonna get by And just
do my time Out of step while They all get in line I'm just a minor
threat so pay no mind Do you really wanna be like them? Do you
really wanna be another trend? Do you wanna be part of their crowd?
Cause I don't ever wanna I don't ever wanna be
Harry is covering himself with condiments as the audience alternately shrieks
with joy and howls for him to get off the stage. Harry makes a rude gesture at
them.
FLETCHER
According to legend, Harry was not told he was a wizard until he was 11. His
Muggle family considered him abnormal and told all the neighbors that Harry had
been sent off to St. Brutus' Secure Center for Incurably Criminal Boys.
Harry is taking his pants off.
There were so many things no one bothered to tell Harry, it's no wonder he
teeters on the edge of sanity.
Someone throws a burning rag on the stage and Harry dances naked in the
flames, completely oblivious to the pain.
HARRY
You Don't wanna be just like you What I'm sayin' is This is the
anthem Throw all your hands up You Don't wanna be you Shake
it once, that's fine Shake it twice, that's okay Shake it three times,
you're playin with yourself again
FLETCHER
Harry defeated You Know Who in his seventh year at Hogwarts. When asked what
he wanted to do next, Harry replied "Fuck that, I'm tired. I quit. I'm going to
learn the guitar." And he formed The Banshees of Doom three months later.

Draco stares at Harry, who is now crowd surfing.
HARRYYou Don't wanna be just like you What I'm sayin' is
This is the anthem Throw all your hands up Ya'll got to feel me,
sing if you're with me You Don't wanna be just like you (just like you)
This is the anthem Throw all your hands up Ya'll got to feel me,
sing if you're with me Another loser anthem (Whoa-oh) Another loser
anthem (Whoa-oh) Another loser anthem (Whoa-oh)Another loser anthem

EXT GRASS AREA, DAYBREAK. 1999.
Draco, Pansy and Fletcher are sitting beneath a tree, looking at the empty
stage.
DRACO
They despised me.
PANSY
Yeah, but when you're abused like that…
DRACO (glares)
Oh, shut up. They loved him.. they loved him and they hated mhat hat did I do
wrong?
PANSY
Nothing..
DRACO (whines)
But I wanna be famous!
Pansy pats him helplessly on the hand.
PANSY
You will be, yost nst need to come up with a new approach.
Draco looks from her, to Fletcher and back again, we can see the wheels
turning in his head.
DISSOLVE TO:
INT A WHITE ROOM. 2000.
Music begins softly and builds… it is the same tune as "The Ballad of Maxwell
Demon "by Shudder to Think.
A group of young women in long pink Umbrae dyed dresses float past on their
toes. Smoke pours out around them. Draco wanders on set, dressed in pure white
robes with fur trim and pointy boots. His hair is curled like a Pre Raphaellite.

Got tired of wearin' masksLiving above the plebeiansMister, show me
the way to EarthThe boys of Gryffindor
With their vicious tiny -
(Draco smirks)
Never come round here no moreOne piece of the
wall becomes a window and a giant Draco face peers through. CUT BACK to normal
sized Draco, who catches a wand as it is tossed to him from off set. He draws
the name Dragon Riddle in the air using pink smoke. Then he blows on it and it
disintegrates.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm still a guyI like the feel of silk stockings on
my thighs
Dragon's led the femmy rock hand jiveIn the
next frame, Draco walks through a facsimile of a street fair. very cheesy, very
staged. He passes Blaise, who is dressed as a mime and doing "the invisible
box". Draco stops, watches him, and makes a puzzled face. He shakes his head,
turns his back on the camera and walks away.
I came up with Potter
For the age of Muggle loveDancing in the fire
A Kiss from a Dementor
Goodbye, goodbyeScream, scared in horror
Hippogriff destroyer
Ten feet tall, better walk it back down
A band member dressed as a devil follows Draco around the set. Draco catches
a wand that is tossed to him, and lights the entire set on fire. He GASPS in
exaggerated shock, stretches his arms out in "crucifixion" pose and falls
backwards into the arms of the waiting demon.
Despite this pretty dressAlways get off, cause damn it,I'm still a
Slytherin Your poison doesn't hurt me no, It's obvious Snape gave me the
antidote I'm here to celebrate the one below
(wiggles his pelvis at the camera)Last I heard I'm the slash
god of loveGot the slap on my assby the Potion master's gloveI came
up with Potter
For the age of Muggle loveDancing in the fire
A Kiss from a Dementor
As the song winds down, Draco is making out madly with the demon. They spin
around, and with a neat trick of the camera are now wearing wedding clothes.
Draco is the bride. They walk off, backs to the camera, hand in hand into a fake
sunset.
Goodbye, goodbyeScream, scared in horror
Hippogriff destroyer
Ten feet tall, better walk it back down
INT: RECORD STUDIO CONFERENCE ROOM. DAY. 1999.
A line of somber, conservative wizards sit silently. A pair of hands clap
loudly. LOCKHART strides forward and seizes Draco's hand.
LOCKHART
Gilderoy Lockhart, personal management. I'm interested.
DRACO
In what?
LOCKHART
In signing you up for a deal.
DRACO
Wicked! Where are the papers?
PRESENT DAY Fletcher looks into the camera and sighs..
FLETCHER
And that was the last I ever saw of him in person.
COLIN
So you have no idea what else happened? Why he might've been
assassinated?
FLETCHER
(grimaces)
No. It looks like it might be unavoidable.. It looks like you may have to
talk to-
COLIN
(groans)
Pansy.
CUT TO
INT: EXPENSIVE RESORT SPA. DAY. 2010.
PANSY is reclining in a lounge chair, a mud mask on her face and a sleep mask
over her eyes.
COLIN
Mrs. Malfoy?
PANSY
(very, very drunk)
That's my mother in law, kid. What do you want?
COLIN
It's Colin Creevey, from the Daily Prophet? I owled you?
PANSY
(sloshes her tropical drink all over him)
Oh, yeah. The retrospective thingie.
COLIN
I just need a few minutes.. may I sit down?
PANSY
Whatever.
Colin takes a seat in a wet poolside chair, gingerly moving a sopping towel
out of the way.
COLIN
I need to ask some questions about Draco Malfoy.
PANSY
Bastard. He should be torn apart by wild dogs and then fed to Thestrals.
COLIN
(blinks at her venom)
How did you meet him?
PANSY
(shrugs)
Our parents put us in the same crib. It was a given that one day we'd get
married. And I knew about his-you know. I didn't mind, or at least I thought I
didn't mind.
FLASHBACK:
A New Years party, 1998. Draco is staring intently at Stubby Boardman, who is
dressed to the glamorous nines in drag.
FLASHBACK
Same party, 1998
Draco is making out with Stubby Boardman in a bathroom. They finish and
Stubby turns to check himself out in the mirror. When he turns around, Draco is
gone and so is his one remaining emerald earring.
I can see why he felt so entranced by Stubby. Who wouldn't be? Stubby was the
real MaCoy. Draco, Harry, all those people, they were really just Boardman
wannabes.
INT: MAGICAL MUSIC OFFICES. 2000
Various strangely dressed people mill about. The intercom buzzes. One "Veela
from Venus" goes to answer the door.
He opens it. GINNY is standing on the other side, wearing a drab pink sweater
and white skirt.
GINNY
Hi..uh- I saw your ad in the Prophet.. about the-
VEELA
Speak up, hon, I can’t hear ya.
GINNY
I’m Ginny Weasley, I just-I- I would like to apply for the secretary job?
VEELA
The huh?
GINNY
The POSITION!
(she waves the newspaper at him)
VEELA
Ohh, right. Follow me. (Ginny trots after him.) Now, Ginny, I know
your experience lies in the area of taking notes but I was wondering..
(flings open a set of double doors to reveal the crowd of strange looking MM
employees) are you interested in costume design at all?
CUT TO:
INT: MACIGAL MUSIC OFFICES DAY 2000
Lockhart comes out of his office, waving a letter.
LOCKHART
Tell me, Young Draco.. how does it feel to be number one?
DRACO
(with a manic shine to his eyes)
It feels great, Gild.
LOCKHART
And you know you could meet anyone you wanted?
DRACO
Yess..
LOCKHART
Who is it that you would like to meet?
DRACO
Harry Potter. I want to meet Harry Potter. And I want to hit him really
hard.