Those Feelings

Harry knocked on the headmaster's door. He had mumbled the password for the twin gargoyles to provide the spiral staircase. He hated it. He hated the way the staircase made him woozy from its slow and steady twirl. But he found it the safest way to travel to dumbledoor rather than landing in embarrassing positions using the floo network. He quickly fixed his wrinkled clothing, and brushed a few strands of loose hair to the side of his face The door latch clicked gently, revealing the headmaster in his full white gown. It was the only garment harry had ever seen the old man wear. "Come in, my boy." Dumbledoor gestured towards the warm office. Harry stepped inside; again reveling the warmth. The office was quite large. There was a large mahogany centre table with four chairs to accommodate it. A carpet large enough to cover every corner of the office lay beautifully on the hard floor. Lime green and white contrasted perfectly with cream- coloured walls. Perfectly placed wall plaques displayed motion pictures of close deceased friends of Dumbledoor. A small window was built adjacent to the large table where a squealing excited phoenix nestled. Harry strolled towards the bird, petting its head while it cooed in content. The sight was picture perfect. They both had a connection, which Dumbledoor could not quite grasp. Harry smiled. And so did he thought the same of the phoenix. "It seems my precious is quite happy to see you." Dumbledoor made his way towards the large table with the door closing itself. "Yes she is headmaster." Harry pet its head one final time before having a seat in front of the headmaster. Dumbledoor smiled at him, while sucking on a hard candy. Harry gave a rather uncomfortable smile, trying to adjust himself in his seat. Seeing his headmaster sucking on a candy was just plain weird. Normally, Dumbledoor went for gummy sweets; maybe his design for sweets perhaps changed. "Uhm… headmaster, what exactly is it that you want to discuss with me?" As if he had forgotten, Dumbledoor plopped the candy out of his mouth, placing it carefully in his candy jar. "Ah.. Yes my boy. What I wanted to discuss with you is actually about you." Dumbledoor gave a small smile, with hands placed neatly on the table. "How do you feel, Harry?" Harry looked him in the eyes with uncertainty. He swore the man's eyes had a certain sadness to it. Probably the headmaster was trying to disguise it. "Well I'm not feeling that bad sir. Just a little sleepy I guess." Dumbledoor gave a small nod. Though, that wasn't exactly the answer he wanted. "I do understand your need for sleep. But, how are you feeling? I have observed during the past months, things aren't going so well with you Harry." The man stared at Harry; concern was quite evident in his features. Harry didn't know if he should answer such a question. He rather handled things his way. But, another part of him wanted to cry wantonly to the man. He wanted a willing ear to listen to him; to make correction where necessary. There was so much he had on his mind, he sometimes thought he might have a sensory overload. Yes, he had his friends who would die with him; for him. But, he knew them too well. He didn't want them worrying about his problems. They had theirs to worry about. Dumbledoor hummed softly to himself which startled Harry from his daze. He knew the old man would not rush him into his decision. Dumbledoor was a humble man indeed; a man of patience. Harry indeed saw where he lived up to his name. "S..Sorry sir.. I'm just a bit out of it lately. Its just…" Harry cast uncertain eyes towards the carpet flooring. "Its okay Harry. Whenever you feel its best to explain, you can come back anytime" the smile reappeared on dumbledoor's face as if it had never dissipate. "No sir. I..its just that from the time when Sirius had died, I felt a part of me went to the grave with him too. Not that I'm blaming myself for his death, but I still feel that I could have saved him." A small tear flow from his right eye, which Harry had failed to hold back. Why at such a time, the memories keep swirling randomly in his mind. There was more to be said but Harry knew he wasn't quite ready to. "It was never your fault to begin with Harry. And Sirius knew that too. He knew that death was inevitable for him in such times." Dumbledoor reassured him. "But why did he have to go like that? Why didn't he just die without me having to witness it? Do you know how much pain I had to go through?" Harry's voice went a little louder than intended. But it was the headmaster's fault for conjuring these emotions. "I know how bitter it must have been. Do you see all these people harry" Dumbledoor pointed a century old finger at each moving character on the plaques "They were all my closest friend. Having to loose many in one swoop wasn't an easy challenge to forget." Dumbledoor smiled sadly at the boy who had the most shocked expression. He would have chuckled if it weren't the series of untold emotions diffusing from the boy. "In one swoop!? W- what exactly do you mean sir?" One of the individuals on the plaque gave Harry a sad smile before crossing to another plaque. Walls surely have ears. Dumbledoor reached into his jar and popped a jello in his mouth, savoured its taste before he continued. "Yes Harry. One of the most horrific event I had to witness. Tom murdered them all. It was a war they all wanted to join, though I warned them not to. Tom won only by breaking my emotions. But strenghtwise, I overpowered him. however, I didn't have the heart to kill him at that time, which would have been an easy feat." To say that Harry was stunned would be an understatement. Way above it. Here he was worrying about events which he should have put aside and move on. He felt weak. Dumbledoor had a point. Death is an inevitable disease. But even so, how did dumbledoor overcame such a burden? "I-I'm sorry about your loss sir. I never knew you had that rough a time." Harry's eyes showed genuine care and sympathy. Dumbledoor smiled all the more. No matter what situation presents itself, his smile still remains. "Harry, you have to learn to let go and move on. I know it is not easy but this is starting to affect you physically and mentally. It's also quite evident that you are eating inadequately." The headmaster closed his eyes. Harry had to admit that was quite true. Coffee is mostly what passes his throat. Harry now wanted to switch topic more than ever. He wanted to talk about things other than himself. " I'll try sir. I promise." The headmaster gave a small smile at that before sucking the candy he had placed in the jar. "Er… Um..Why did you gave me that potion Sir? The potion you gave to me a couple days ago?" Harry needed to know what effect it should give. "It's a potion that helps you to rest and relax the body Harry. Though it would take effect at a later time, hence the restless feeling you're experiencing. However, the potion alone won't do. You also need to do your part too." Dumbledoor's expression was a bit serious, but not serious enough to scare Harry. He only wanted the best for the broken boy. He never saw Harry as just the-boy-who-lived, but saw him as his son. Harry meant the world to him. Probably because he had no kids. To see the boy without parents sometimes brings painful memories of the fateful night when they last departed; sacrificing themselves just to save one kid who would later be famous in the wizarding world. Dumbledoor knew he hated the fame; he knew that the poor boy wanted just a normal life; but the irony never seems amis. He was always there. The sorcerer's stone, the goblet of fire and all the Crazy adventures would most surely bring forth his fame throughout the wizarding world. To also put bluntly, he wanted to see him live a normal life too. "I- I will do that sir. I do find myself feeling a bit low." Harry never failed to see the pained expression that crossed the old man's face. To lighten the mood, he happily shared Harry some candies he knew he would love. And Harry indeed enjoyed its taste; Licking and chewing became quite an interesting task for both men for a period of five minutes. It had indeed lighten the mood. Harry smiled to himself. Maybe the old man isn't so bad with understanding him. He knew when to stop or resume a conversation. A slight smile escaped his lips, as he tasted the last candy in mutual silence. "I take it that you will now try to make a change for the better." Dumbledoor's smile made his day. He had a lot to thank him for. Harry knew though that the old man wished to know more about his problems. The old man isn't stupid as he may appear sometimes. "Yes, sir." " Then off you go. I wouldn't want you to miss your classes, seeing as you have already prepared for the day's task." Dumbledoor gave him one final look before handing him another candy. Harry took the sweet before bowing respectfully to the headmaster. A crying phoenix signalled his attention. "Harry has to go my precious. I'll be sure to invite him again." The phoenix buried its head under the ashes. Harry knew it was still sad but it nonetheless understood the situation. With his back turned towards Dumbledoor, he opened the door. "Thank you Sir." He had really meant it. Dumbledoor gave him something to think about, and he wanted to see a change. Harry closed the door softly behind him, leaving a mutual smile on Dumbledoor's face. HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHP Students busily made their way towards their classes as the devotion ended with the Hogwart's pledge. All utensils quickly vanished into the thin air leaving the lengthy tables as clean as they were before. The morning was quite busy indeed, as Harry had noticed. "Man, I seriously don't get this. I keep reading this stuff but I don't even know where to begin writing this shitty essay." Ron mumbled to Harry. Hermione glared at Ron. Her eyes were a deep shade of brown today. Contact lens, maybe? "Its your own fault for not listening to professor Snape's lecture. I'm sure Harry did his. Right Harry?" "Er… I totally forgot about mine. I never even remember that we had that bloody Git's class first thing." Harry was now pissed. Here, he thought his day would be a little better. Hermione made an exasperated sound, both hands flew on the air. "You guys are seriously gonna give our house low points, you know that? You both know how serious he is when its all about homework." " Yeah says the brainy girl who knows it all." Ron rolled his eyes at her, with Harry laughing slightly at her reaction. "I don't know what I'm gonna do with you both. You both are-" "A bunch of time wasters. Yea. We get it Hermione." Both boys chimed in. It was their daily routine being scolded by hermoine whenever they failed to complete their homework. "I'm serious you know!" Hermione put one hand on her hips. A dainty finger pointed towards the boys. "When it comes to Snape's homework, we never get it Hermione. Its not like we aren't trying" Harry stated. Ron nodded in agreement. "Well you both need to try harder. I wouldn't want both of you failing at such a crucial time. We are fourth years, remember?" Hermione eyed them seriously. She gripped her books carefully from nearly slipping her fingers. The three sighed miserably to themselves as they dreaded the unexpected madness that the professor might sure to bring.