In this issue. . .

The crew from ‘Wands’ magazine arrived early from Hogsmeade. Gilderoy Lockhart accompanied Art Director Luna Lovegood, Photographer Colin Creevey, Makeup Artist Amy Baker and various other set and prop people. They traveled with various bits and bags that piled into a small mountain on the Entrance Hall’s polished marble floor.

Professor McGonagall, rushing from the Great Hall, was the first to greet the visitors. “Gilderoy, what a wonderful surprise!” Her tone indicated otherwise. “We had no idea you would be arriving with the party.”

Gilderoy turned, hand dramatically extended, fingers wiggling in greeting. Minerva blinked rapidly, her eyes watered at the garish combination of colors he wore, a turquoise morning suit and cape over a bright fuchsia waistcoat. His forget-me-not blue cravat was perfectly dyed to match the color of his eyes. He looked as though he had been dressed by a color-blind penguin.

He flashed Minerva his internationally famous smile; a slightly toothy grin, the one that had made him a three-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile award. He shrugged his shoulders, letting his turquoise cape fall dramatically to the floor.

“I couldn’t let this opportunity pass, you know.” Gilderoy intoned blithely. “The chance to visit my old friends, and to show my new staff, at ‘Wands’, where I received that life threatening injury.” He simpered self-importantly.

Minerva rolled her eye at Lockhart’s posturing, assured him that Professor Dumbledore would be along shortly, then moved on to greet Luna Lovegood.

Luna stood just inside the entrance. Tall and thin, she was dressed in a faded denim skirt. The words ‘Wands Magazine. . .’ were emblazoned across the front of her acid-green t-shirt. On the back, flashing in bold, black script the words ’. . .for your non-magical needs.’ ran like a marquee.

Luna’s dirty blonde hair had darkened slightly as she aged. It was pulled back into a long, caramel-colored plait. Her wand was still tucked behind her ear. It was an affectation that she had never tried to outgrow. She appeared slightly startled as she glanced slowly around the Great Hall, as if unsure of her welcome.

Her face altered slightly when she noticed Minerva slowly moving her way, smiling her welcome.

“Miss Lovegood, how nice it is to see you, again.” Minerva greeted, hands outstretched.

“Hello Professor, how are you keeping?” Luna politely returned the greeting, her gray eyes flashing with good humor. She clasped McGonagall‘s outstretched hands with her own.

“Very well. I must say that this little endeavor has caused quite a stir.” Minerva returned good naturedly.

Luna smiled and nodded knowingly, “Especially among the ladies.”

Minerva nodded, eyes twinkling, to affirm Luna’s statement when she noticed Dumbledore strolling down the Grand Staircase.

Dumbledore quickly captured Lockhart’s attention.

“Good day to you, Gilderoy,” Dumbledore greeted.

“Ah, Headmaster,” Lockhart greeted in return. He flashed winning smile number four. “It is delightful to see you again.”

“We have made arrangements for the magazine staff to stay here in the castle,” Dumbledore twinkled in return. “I believe the Room of Requirement has shifted itself into an office with studios and flats. You all should be quite comfortable. You may either have your meals in the Great Hall or take them in the privacy of your rooms.”

Standing just a few feet way, Luna and Minerva heard much of the conversation. Luna chose that moment to join it.

“Headmaster Dumbledore, we do not wish to disrupt the student's or school’s routine any more then necessary.”

“I fear, Miss Lovegood,“ Dumbledore responded amusedly, “that your magazine will be disrupting our students for some time to come.”

Luna cheerfully grinned her acknowledgement of that claim.

Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled in reply, “Miss Lovegood, please introduce me to your staff.”

“Certainly, Headmaster.” Luna began gesturing to the small group of people assembled around her. “You remember Colin Creevey . . .”

“Of course, Mr. Creevey.” Dumbledore nodded in greeting.

Luna continued, “Susan Bones, is our set decorator.”

“Miss Bones, delighted to see you again.”

“Amy Baker, our make-up artist.”

“You are not one of our former students, Miss Baker.“ Dumbledore smiled.

“No, sir” She responded kindly, brow curls bobbing as she spoke. “I was not so fortunate in my education.”

“Do I detect a transatlantic drawl?” Dumbledore enquired of her curiously

“Yes, sir. I am an American.” She responded easily.

“An American? Well, that is unexpected. I hope you will join us for dinner at the high table.”

“Of course, Headmaster.” She replied.

“No, no my dear, you must call me Professor Dumbledore,” He twinkled at her in amusement. “Everyone does.”

While Dumbledore greeted his guests, Luna took the opportunity to query Professor McGonagall, “Will we be having pudding this evening?”

McGonagall, smiling reminiscently, reassured her that yes, they would indeed be having pudding.

* * * * * * * * *

After dinner that evening, Minerva invited Luna to her rooms for a drink and a chat. Though Luna had been sorted into Ravenclaw, Minerva had always been fond of her because the other students always gave her such a difficult time.

“So you are saying that Hermione Granger will be here, conducting the interviews?” McGonagall couldn’t keep the shock out of her voice.

Luna nodded her head in affirmation. “She will be arriving tomorrow after lunch.”

“When was she hired by ‘Wands’?” Minerva asked quickly, astonishment still readily apparent.

“Just a few weeks ago.” Luna replied quickly. “In fact, this is her first assignment.”

“Miss Lovegood, I think we should keep this information to ourselves for the time being.” Minerva winked conspiratorially. “We wouldn’t want anyone finding out.”

“By ‘anyone’ I presume you are referring to Professor Snape.” Luna responded in kind.

“You are aware of the situation existing between Severus and Miss Granger?” Minerva asked curiously.

“I am aware that last week, when Hermione found out that the ‘Men of Hogwarts’ was to be her first assignment she begged me to sack her,” Luna volunteered easily.

Minerva chuckled gleefully, and Luna, stunned by McGonagall’s reaction, quickly joined in.

“Has Severus made up his mind? About appearing in the magazine?” Luna inquired.

“No, he’s waiting until the last minute, the snarky bastard.” Minerva answered easily. “But he’ll agree eventually, or Dumbledore will have him dismissed.”

Luna started to laugh uproariously, “How swiftly the mighty will fall.”

Minerva agreed and laughter overcame her as well. “We just need to give them a little push.”

* * * * * * * * *

The day of the photo shoot began early. Sirius entered the Room of Requirement and was immediately set upon by the make-up girl.

“Good Morning,” He gave her a cheeky grin.

“Hello,” Amy responded blandy, impervious to his flirtation. “Take off your clothes and be seated, we have a lot of work to do before the shoot can begin.”

“Take off my clothes?” Sirius queried. “I don’t even know your name, and what do you mean we have a lot of work to do?” He was clearly affronted by her business-like attitude and her opinion on his lack of perfection.

“First, I’ll apply the facial make-up and then the body make-up, just a touch here and there. Tousled hair, pouting lips, you’ll be ready in no time.” She ran down the list with business-like candor, while picking through a large case of bottles and tubes.

She stood over him menacingly, sharpened eyeliner pencil in her hand.

“Eyeliner?” He asked sarcastically. “Do you actually think anyone is going to be looking at my face?”

Amy refused to comment, just continued to apply various creams and powders until Sirius felt like an escapee from kabuki theatre.

"Finally," she sighed heavily. While inspecting her handiwork, she waved a hand in front of his face. Apparently, she thought that her fluttering fingers would generate enough breeze to dry the heavy goop cementing to his features.

She very abruptly gestured for him to stand. He did so, but eyed her apprehensively. He didn’t feel comfortable with her staring at him as if she were sizing up an overripe melon.

She loudly clucked her tongue, reached for another large, spray canister, and began applying a sticky epoxy to his groin.

“What are you doing?” He asked jerkily, impatience coloring his words.

“Applying the body glitter.” Her tone indicated her annoyance with his attitude. To give credence to her statement, she began shaking another small container over his midsection. Small specks of sparkling dust escaped and cascaded downward to rest in the glistening adhesive.

“Do you really think I need a sparkling cock?” He asked testily.

She just shrugged her shoulders.

As she opened her mouth to reply, the door pushed open and Luna stuck her head into the room.

She gave him a gamine grin as she looked him up and down. “We’re ready for you now, Sirius.”

* * * * * * * * *

May’s issue arrived late, a few weeks into the month of May, via owlpost. As the plain, brown-paper wrapped magazine drifted down beside her lunch, McGonagall looked up to notice many other similarly sized and wrapped packages wafting down over the student tables.

Minerva decided she would give the students one day to look their fill and then she would start confiscating the things.

She quickly finished her lunch, scooped up the bundle, and followed swiftly on the heels of Rolanda Hooch and Sibyll Trelawney, both had given her resolute nods as they noticed the dropping parcels. As they quickly made their way toward the door, Minerva noticed several of the students with plain wrapped parcels tucked under their arms hurrying that way, as well.

The three teachers practically ran to the ladies’ washroom, closed and warded the door, and ripped the offending paper off their latest deliveries.

Madame Hooch was the first to flip frantically through the pages, Trelawney and McGonagall not far behind. Minerva quickly noticed several pages of advertisements for Gilderoy Lockhart’s out-of-print books. One full page ad featured him grinning and winking into the camera lens, as if trying to cajole you into buying the ‘Newly Revised and Excitingly Updated . . . Magical Me.’

“That’s just sick.” Minerva whispered under her breath.

“This is no time to develop scruples, Minerva.” Rolanda heard her and muttered in return.

“I meant all the Lockhart adverts.” McGonagall snapped in return.

Into the rustle of turning pages Trelawney squeaked loudly, “Page 92, 92.”

Complete silence invaded the small space as all three ladies gaped in fascination. Page 92 was dominated by a large, orange headline ‘Exposed . . . the ‘Men of Hogwarts.’

“It is as I have seen it.” Sibyll murmured aloud.

The first page of his spread pictured Sirius Black dressed in teaching robes unbuttoned from neck to navel. He stood, feet planted firmly apart, in front of a dark stand of trees, possibly the Forbidden Forest. His robes whipped around him, as if caught in a fierce gale.

As they watched fascinated, he shrugged out of the heavy robes and let them drift to the ground. He stood there bare-chested, wind whipping his hair, giving him a wild, almost piratical look. He then looked directly into the camera and set his lips in a sexy pout, the one that begged you to give in to illicit pleasures.

The women sighed heavily. It was as if he was looking directly at them. Each was ready to volunteer for whatever that photo had in mind.

“OH MY GOD!,” Rolanda barked with laughter, “Turn the page.”

Minerva did as bidden. Across the top two-thirds of these two pages was a collage of photos. Across the bottom one-third was a series of questions, presumably Miss Granger’s interview.

The top two-thirds featured a photo spread of Sirius stripped down to his bare essentials, an arresting sight.

As she looked more closely at the pictures, Minerva very nearly hyperventilated from laughing. On the left, page 93, were two large photos.

“What in the world?” She asked aghast.

Sibyll made no response, just giggled mind-numbingly.

The first showed Sirius completely naked, standing upon what appeared to be a broom-handle like apparatus. Only he couldn’t seem to get it off the ground. Instead, he hopped around like a demented jumping bean. Every impact with the ground making his erection bob erratically, before his entire person once again began its upward ascent. Upon reaching the peak of the bounce, gravity quickly intervened and dragged him down once again.

“What on earth is he doing?” Minerva choked on her laughter. “That looks really painful.”

“That is a Muggle toy,” Hooch responded matter-of-factly. “I believe it’s called a pogo stick.”

“A pogo stick.” Trelawney repeated throatily. “When I gazed deeply into my crystal ball, I did not foresee this.”

“Perhaps that is a good thing, Sibyll, or else we’d have to lock up your classroom and suspend all lessons.” Rolanda replied impatiently.

“I think they should have printed the pictures in black and white.” Sibyll offered that food for thought.

Minerva gave her a puzzled glance. “Why black and white?”

“Because that would have given them so much more artistic integrity.” Sibyll responded thoughtfully.

“Oh, for Merlin’s sake, Sibyll,” Rolanda interrupted. “These pictures have nothing to do with art.”

As the other two continued to bicker, Minerva forced her eyes to wander to the next picture. She blinked rapidly as she watched a naked Sirius march to the center of the photo, give the camera lens a sly wink and then stand with his feet apart, arms akimbo. He then began to bend over and touch each set of toes with the opposite fingers. During the transition from one side to the other he would jerk upright and thrust his hips invitingly, all the while grinning that inane smile.

When he finished five repetitions, he turned ninety degrees and started the whole process over again. With him turned away from her, Minerva was unashamedly admiring the lean muscles dancing across his back and the tautly flexing muscles in his buttocks.

Turning her head to notice Minerva’s fixed stare, Hooch glanced quickly back at her magazine. Face flushing hotly, she apologized to Trelawney. “I am sincerely sorry for denying that these pictures are art.”

Sibyll graciously accepted the apology before opening the pages for another look.

On the opposite page, one more photograph dominated the layout. From the left side of the page, a naked Sirius entered the scene smiled into the camera and flexed his biceps. He quickly walked to an overfilled waste bin, picked it up and carried it out a door in the background. A few seconds later he returned to the foreground, empty waste bin in tow, and put it back where he found it.

Rolanda sighed heavily, imagining a man who took out the garbage without being asked. “Minerva,” She whispered. “Fantasy can be a dangerous thing.”

Minerva nodded her agreement, not tearing her eyes away from the pages.

Anticipating the next, couple of pages, the ladies held a collective breath as they turned to the centerfold. It featured Sirius stretched out on a red, brocade chaise lounge. His fathomless, gray eyes were open. The dark pupils contracted to pinpoints as he looked directly into the camera.

His hands traveled up and down his chest. He alternated between coaxing his nipples into rock-hard pebbles and running his index finger along the pulsing blue vein in his throbbing cock. He rubbed his stomach and his sides, massaging the muscles. He arched his back and thrust his pelvis in the air.

Sirius still gazed into the camera lens. His tongue snaked out to moisten his lips. His hands slowly collected the small drops of pre-cum that beaded around the head of his massive erection. He used those drops to ease the slip of his hand as it moved rhythmically up and down his engorged shaft.

His right hand moved faster, as the left fingered the ruby head. Without breaking rhythm, the left hand drifted lower to finger his tightening sac. Sirius closed his eyes and let his head drift back against the pillows on the lounge.

His left hand moved again, slightly upward, to aid the furious movement of his right. He pumped faster and faster, eyes fluttering, hips flexing, his body straining upwards for release. Using his thumb and two fingers from each hand he encircled his throbbing erection, stroking up and down, varying the speed and the pressure.

With a final jerk, Sirius climaxed hard, streams of cum fanned out over his chest and stomach.

After a last lingering look at the camera lens, he leaned his head back against the chaise and drifted off to sleep.

His movements held all three of the women enthralled. They stared intently at the photo, waiting, in vain, for the action to begin again.

The spell was finally broken when Trelawney sighed loudly, and proclaimed to no one in particular, “I suddenly feel the need to eat . . . beef jerky.”

* * * * * * * * *

Siriusly Sexy: An Interview with Sirius Black

Hermione Granger, newest star reporter for ‘Wands’ magazine, former Hogwarts student, and Order of the Phoenix Member, recently met up with Sirius Black during our photo shoot at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

“Thank you for making the time to meet with me.” Hermione began slowly, her voice and posture stiff with nervousness. Her dict-a-quill flew quickly across the parchment. She obviously took her job very seriously.

“It’s my pleasure. I’m always happy to sit down with old friend,” Sirius responded, waggling his eyebrows at her.

Hermione looked at him and frowned lightly before asking her first question. “How long have you been on faculty here at Hogwarts?”

“About five years now.” Sirius raised his eyebrow at her stilted formality.

“What is your position?” She was obviously nervous, unable to relax.

“I know there are plenty of rumors.” Sirius responded flirtatiously. “Most people expect me to say doggie style, but I think that would be a bit predictable. In truth, I actually prefer the Space Monkey.”

“The Space Monkey?” Hermione queried hesitantly, biting her lip in consternation.

“Yes,” was his insouciant reply, “Although, I prefer not to use a neck bridge, you must be able to quickly Transfigure one if you want to avoid injury. Having to Floo a Medi-Witch before you’ve finished can be a real mood spoiler.”

Her cheeks flushed a dull red color and she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. “I-I m-m-meant your p-p-position here at H-Hogwarts,” Hermione finally managed to regain her composure. “What do you teach?”

“Oh, here at Hogwarts. I teach Muggle Studies. ” He made it seem like an offhand comment.

“Muggle Studies?” She queried, obviously interested in this line of questioning. “How does a Pureblood feel about teaching such a controversial subject?”

“Well, I have had some good friends who were Muggle-born. Also, when I escaped from Azkaban, I spent some time living with a Muggle family. They are very interesting, you know, especially the women. They are quite creative despite their physical limitations.”

“What limitations?” her voice becoming a tiny squeak as the conversation devolved.

“Well, being non-magical.” His reply seemed innocuous enough, but his smirking grin belied any innocence.

“What did you do after escaping from Azkaban?” She unbent a little, trying to direct the conversation to more comfortable footing.

“I spent a lot of time eating some of my favorite things, actually. Beefburgers, bacon-flavored crisps and chocolate. Although, the chocolate was more out of necessity than any real desire.” Sirius responded honestly.

‘What did you miss the most?” Hermione felt much more comfortable, and anticipated comments about Butterbeer and roasted chicken.

“The most?” Sirius grinned, white teeth flashing fiendishly, before continuing. “I suppose eating cherries, especially in bed. I also missed the odd tea-bag or two.”

“Tea bag?” She questioned, clearly unsure of what he meant. “You mean like Earl Grey?”

Sirius raised that wicked eyebrow again, “Well, I suppose there are nice things to be said for Earl Gray, but in truth, I’d rather have Lady Gray steep my balls.”

Hermione gaped at him, squirmed a bit in her chair, and then tried again. “A few years ago there were rumors of your death.”

“It was a clever lie,” was his immediate response.

“Would you care to elaborate?” She asked tentatively.

“Do you think should?” He gave her a quick wink. Hermione shook her head negatively, afraid of what would come out of his mouth this time.

She tried a new line of questioning. “It has been said that Wizards, unlike witches, lack variety in their use of magical tools. Is there one tool that you use more than any other?"

Sirius initially appeared startled by this question. He didn’t know whether to feel insulted or to laugh uproariously at the double entendre, no matter how unintentional.

For a brief second, he thought she was beginning to flirt in return, but her nervous expression, coupled with her lower lip being mangled between her teeth quickly disabused him of that idea. Still, how could he answer such a question with a straight face?

“Are you asking me if I over use my wand?” He clarified.

Hermione nodded, clearly unaware of the chasm she had just opened. It was growing, waiting to engulf her.

For Sirius, it was too good an opportunity to let pass. “I’ve never had any complaints about my wand waving, you know. Never release my charms too early. Your readers may also be interested to learn that 8 out of 10 witches agree, I have magic fingers and a wicked tongue.”

************

Minerva leaned back against the sink, a smirk stretched across her face.

Sibyll giggled throatily, “Ah yes, I always knew he was a naughty boy.”

Both McGonagall and Trelawney glanced over at Madame Hooch expectantly, waiting for her opinion. Rolanda was still buried in the depths of the magazine, so Minerva cleared her throat to gain her attention.

“Well, what do you think?” Minerva asked lightly.

“I think the only thing that would improve this magazine would be to make it scratch and sniff.”

“I’ll be happy to offer that suggestion to Miss Lovegood, Rolanda.”

“Please do,” Hooch responded, then smiled sheepishly. “Now, if you don’t mind, I think I need to be alone.”