The Dreaded M-word

Important facts:
1. Lust potions are classified a restricted substance by the ministry of magic due to their mind altering properties as well as the majority having side affects triggered by several common ingestible substances including but not limited to alcohol, chocolate, cucumbers, pork products, garlic, and all plants in the menthol family.
2. Alcohol consumption can result in impaired motor functions, poor judgment, reduced sexual performance, and loss of memories.
3. Draco Malfoy is Hogwarts biggest whore, but still manages to remain relatively ignorant about most of the facts concerning sexual activity.
4. Any time a Gryffindor is doing something that would be hideously embarrassing and possibly expulsion worthy, Snape can and will show up at the most damning moment possible for said Gryffindor.

As Draco was sitting on the Slytherin boys’ bathroom floor dry heaving over the toilet at 6 a.m. that morning, he kept thinking to himself ‘Dad’s goanna kill me when he finds out I got pregnant by a Gryffindor boy.’ Feeling the last of the heaving come to a stop he stood, sweat soaking his sleep pants and shaking, to get his morning shower. Entering the hot stream of water, washing away the last traces of his morning illness, his mind wandering back to how he found himself in this mess…..


One week earlier, Gryffindor tower-

Colin had just left the common room for his detention that night. As it turns out Snape had been a bit more hostile toward the house then normal and found chewing to loudly a good reason to give him a detention. This was bad news for Colin, but good news for John who was now free to plot without his virgin dorm mate taking notice.

John cast the memo spell, sending origami cranes with the meeting info to his intended partners in crime and watched them flutter off to their intended recipients. He hoped as he gathered everything he thought he would need that everyone turned up for the meeting, since he would need all the help he could get if this was going to work. Finally ready, he exited the portrait and began thinking of the details of ‘Mission: Get Colin Laid’ on his way to an abandoned Charms class room.


As it turned out, everyone did turn up, but it was time for the moment of truth. The plan itself was likely to work, but would require questionable ethics. However, since the intended targets were Malfoy and Creevey, it was highly probable that the group would feel the temptation to have future black mail material out weigh the moral questionability of the situation.

“Ok everyone” he began “I’m sure you are all wondering why I called a meeting for the ‘Gays Addicted to Yaoi’ club, especially since we are one member short tonight. The reason is that Colin needs to get laid before I kill him, and we all know he won’t manage that on his own. However I have a plan that may not only get him laid but may also help him get a life.”

Suddenly, John got the distinct feeling he could hear the “Mission: Impossible” theme being hummed in the back ground. Ohhh yeah, that’s cause for some reason Luna was in the club in spite of the fact that she was clearly not a gay male, regardless of how much yaoi she read.

“Luna, could you stop humming and focus? I need you to brew us a lust potion. Preferably one that won’t be noticed in fire whiskey. Blaize, I need you to get the fire whiskey since you’re legal now, as well as convince Draco to come to a small party to get trashed. Loki,” at this point John looked at a mousey looking Hufflepuff “I need you to use all those inter-house (cough) blackmail (cough) connections you have to get a group of about twenty mixed for the party.”

At this point Blaize and Greg shuddered violently at the thought of being out blackmailed between a Hufflepuff’s Intel and Colin’s secret photo stash. They also contemplated that had Colin made Slytherin, none of them would need to participate in an evil plot to get him laid because he could have just used said photos to handle this himself. That’s bloody Gryffindor morality for you. However, this was promising to be entertaining regardless of the outcome. Everyone knew how retarded Malfoy was on alcohol by this point.


As was always expected with parties, by the end of the week half the school had heard that Draco Malfoy was to attend and get drunk, and they brought the other half with them, camera’s in hand. Greg had grudgingly agreed to act as bouncer for the first half of the night since, although hilarious, shit faced drunk fist years really complicated life. On the other hand, a shit faced Denis Creevey who has given Greg his camera to supervise and was humping the air while singing something about his milkshake made up for him having to sit outside the party proper. Of course he has no clue how a third year got the fire whiskey, honesty.

Meanwhile….. Inside the party Draco was already stumbling, staggering, attempting swaggering, and severely slurring from the first mixer that Blaize had handed him upon his fashionably late arrival. Arm slung over Dean Thomas, he stated in a close facsimile of conspiratorially “sssnot tha I hat mublouds, ja know? sssis I hat, like, ja know, haws ere aliiiike ‘oooh, I gost a wamd now’ inaaal at, ja know?” Dean had been in the middle of deeply contemplating what language the blond had been attempting to speak, but then he realized his pants had been ripped open and Malfoy was giving him a blow job, so whatever it was, he must have nodded and smiled in the right part of the conversation.

On the other side of the party, in the hopes of getting herself a live boy-on-boy sex show, Luna was working very hard at both getting Colin drunk an convincing him that sex with a drunk Malfoy was not at all morally wrong. “You see Colin, (oh here, have some more punch) as I was saying, he knows he can’t keep his legs closed when he drinks, yet he gets drunk anyway, so if he volunteers it’s perfectly ok to go with it.(let me top your drink off for you dear) Would a fellow hentai steer you wrong?” she said gently.

“Seeee….. I don’t know Lula. Seems kina Slytherin, duntcha think?” a rather tipsy Colin answered, swigging down the last of his punch. “Oy hit me again, would ya? OWWW not literally, meant I want to nether drink. Potter’s shorts, that hurt.”

“Potter’s ….shorts? Never mind. And you see, that’s just what the Slytherins want us to think, that they are the only ones who can use a profitable situation to their advantage. The truth(oh you’re almost empty, take mine) is that the house system keeps us from being all we can be and divided by making us think stereotypes of our house must be adhered to. Think Colin, do you really have time to be a prudish goody-goody when there is a war coming? No, so go over there and if he resists, threaten him with the pink teddy photos you got last party.” and Luna’s words suddenly made sense to Colin’s liquid courage addled mind, so off he went.

“Draco, have sex with me now.” Colin announced as he swayed dangerously close to a near by torch.

“Kay kay Potter. To the common room.” was his response, followed closely by Draco humming the batman theme. Had Colin been sober, he may have wondered where a pureblood would have come up with that reference, as well as how a sandy blond could be mistaken for Harry Potter. Instead, he was much too busy following the erratically weaving ass in front of him thinking ‘This is it. I’ll finally get laid’

5 minutes later…

Draco managed to stumble into the floor of a near by classroom after tripping over his own feet, followed closely by Colin tripping over Draco’s now prone body and landing on top of him. “Owe” was repeated by both parties as they tried to accomplish the deceptively easy task of getting back up. Giving up the losing battle to return to a semi vertical position, Draco announced with confidence and dignity (or so he thought) “Welcome to the Bat Cave. Now strip.”

Little did the drunken pair now fighting with the deceptively simple task of getting pants off know, that as tends to happen with parties with booze on school grounds that the whole school knew about, Professor Snape knew about it, waited for his snakes to get the resulting blackmail from it, and then proceeded towards the party to multi-task by making Filch and students both miserable. His brilliant mind had long ago discovered that his sudden appearance before drunk Hufflepuffs and subsequent insults and threats could not only reduce them to tears, but also had a tendency to cause them to urinate themselves in fear where they stood. The prospect of detentions, dirty floors, more detentions, and tears really brought a smile to his sadistic heart, not that he would show such an emotion on the outside. He had a reputation to uphold.

Clueless to this fact, Draco had managed to get his pants off, and given up on getting the other clothing off, so he demanded of Colin, who had only just got his pants open “Well hurry up and shove it in before I go limp.”

It sounded like a simple task, really, so Colin gladly complied, or rather tried to. “Ummm… It won’t go in. Maybe we need lube.

“Just spit on it a bit and try again” was his angry reply. Colin, remembering that preparation tended to help, thought to try shoving his fingers in first. Sadly, that was also about when Draco began snoring, as well as when Snape noticed the open classroom door.

“Mr. Creevey.” purred the smooth baritone voice that no Gryffindor ever wanted to hear outside of a potions class. Well most of them would rather not hear it in class either, but there was no avoiding it if they planned to graduate.

So Colin went for the only defense he had. “Sir, this most definitely is not what it looks like!”

T.B.C.S. (to be continued someday)

A/N: Love to my reviewers. I have a general direction I plan to go with this, but a short attention span so I have no ideal when I will updated with a new chapter. I’m still working alone, so I apologies for any mistakes I missed.