Chosen

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As soon as the sunlight began to filter through the dormitory window, Remus shot out of bed, threw on his robes, and rushed to the library. He was thankful that it was Saturday, and could therefore hide amongst the dusty books and scarred tables for the day. The other Marauders hardly ever ventured into the library, claiming that the place was useless and too quiet. Besides Remus, Peter was known to occasionally study there, though that only happened whenever James was at Quidditch practice or mooning after Lily Evans.

Advanced Arithmancy was spread on the table before him, the words a chaotic blur that he didn't even bother to decipher. The scene from last night (or was it early morning?) kept playing through his head, repeatedly getting stuck on Sirius' look of betrayal and confusion. Remus placed his elbows next to his textbook and cradled his aching head in his hands, wishing that he had the balls to go to Madam Pomfrey for a migraine potion. He hadn't slept at all; he had in fact been waiting for Sirius to bombard him after his shower and demand an explanation, but said bombardment hadn't occurred.

What do I do? I can't ignore him anymore, and if I don't start acting like normal, he'll be able to figure it out. He discovered that I was a werewolf in second year, and I know that I was careful. How can I behave like before when I know what Moony wants? What I want?

He sighed, shoulders slouching dejectedly. He had to come up with something to pacify his friend, something that could explain his actions from the past 10 days. Nothing came to mind though, and he began to panic. Suddenly, out of nowhere, he had his excuse, and luckily enough, it wasn't exactly an excuse, but an edited version of the truth. He gathered his satchel and hastily crammed his quills and books into it, for once not caring about bent pages and broken tips. He swung the leather bag over his shoulder and headed back to the dormitory, to Sirius.

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The room was dark and silent when he entered, meaning that his dorm mates were thankfully still sleeping. He dropped his bag next to his bed and made his way to Sirius' side of the room, the bed directly across from his. He got there and took a deep breath before pulling the curtains aside, baring his friend to his view. Sirius blinked at the sunlight streaming onto his face and sat up, pushing a hand through his sleep tousled hair. Remus refused to dwell on how sexy the other boy looked, and tried to regulate his heartbeat. The animagus looked up at him, an ebony eyebrow raised in question.

"Yes, Remus? Are you willing to talk to me now?" Sirius' tone was dripping with sarcasm and disdain, something Remus hadn't been on the receiving end of for years, and he took a step back reflexively.

"I..." He stuttered, blushing. Dammit.

Sirius crossed his arms over his chest and made an impatient noise in the back of his throat. Remus squared his shoulders and took another deep breath before sitting down on the very edge of Sirius' bed, hands resting on his knees. He couldn't gather the courage to make eye contact, so he closed his eyes instead, taking solace in the darkness.

"I want to apologize for the last week and a half, Sirius. I've been... I..." At this point he opened his eyes and turned his head towards the other boy, staring at a point over Sirius' shoulder. He shook his head once to clear it and then spoke, his words erupting like vomit in an uncontrollable rush.

"IrealizedthatIwasgayandIdidn'tknowhowtotellyou!"

Sirius blanched, mouth falling open comically, like a fish out of water. His adams' apple shifted up and down when he swallowed, and when he found the words, his voice was low and choked.

"You... what?"

Remus could feel his blush deepen, and felt as if he was on fire. He raised his hands to his face and covered his eyes, slouching so far forward that he almost touched his knees.

"I realized that I am.. gay, and I didn't know how to tell you. I don't.... I didn't want you to hate me, Padfoot, so I hid, and tried to deny it. I heard you when you and James were talking about McMillan, and how you thought he was fucked up because he's a pouf. I don't want you to think about me that way. I can't lose you as my friend, I just can't." The words were whispered unevenly, cracking under the strain, and Remus could tell that Sirius was struggling to respond, even if the werewolf refused to look up.

The tentative hand on his back shocked him and he froze, unsure of how to react. He jerked his head up, felt the room spin and finally met Sirius in the eyes, shame coloring his cheekbones. The other boy had a shell-shocked visage, but he was touching him, and even if his hand was trembling it meant that he might be accepted, and that Sirius might still be his friend.

"Padfoot?"

Sirius gripped the back of Remus' robes tightly in his fist, knuckles white with the strain.

"God, Moony... I didn't know. I didn't even know. I thought... fuck, I don't know what I thought." His voice sent involuntary shivers down Remus' spine; deep, grating and hoarse, as if he hadn't spoken in years. The hand on his robes disappeared suddenly, and Remus slumped forwards, utterly defeated.

The laughter, when it came, sounded like barking, and he felt like crying like a 4 year old. He felt as if he was on a roller coaster, and instead of stopping at the bottom it kept going, forever and ever and ever, faster and faster until it flew off the tracks, crashing into oblivion. He was 17, and struggling with his newfound sexuality, and he was going to be friendless. Again.

James woke up then, yelling at nothing as he awoke from a dream probably involving a Quidditch match and Remus chose then to escape, jumping from Sirius' bed and running down the stairs, oblivious to everything and everyone. He collided with something soft and fell to the floor, legs tangling with the person he had run into. That person turned out to be Lily, green eyes wide and worried and slightly dazed, as the fall had caused her to hit her head.

"Remus? Are you alright?" She breathed, confused.

He scrambled from the floor and offered her a hand up, gently pulling her to her feet.

"I'm sorry," he gasped, realizing that he had been apologizing a lot lately.

Lily slowly shook her head and led him to a couch, pushing him onto it by his shoulders. Remus tossed a quick glance at the staircase, glad that no one had decided to follow him. The common room was blissfully empty, and quiet. Lily crouched down in front of him and took his hand, thumb resting against his racing pulse.

"What happened, Remus? You ran me over like a bat out of hell."

He remembered the first time he had said that around Sirius, and how the then 12-year-old had cocked his head to the side and said "Remus, bats live in caves and castles, not hell. What a stupid saying!" and Remus had laughed, teasing the pure blood for not understanding the muggle saying.

He blinked, coming back to the present, to Lily kneeling at his feet. James would be so jealous, knowing that Lily knelt at my feet. He laughed, mind a jumble-filled haze, and stood up, knocking Lily to her arse. He didn't spare her a second glance as he ran to the portrait hole, shoving it open, fleeing into the corridor. He ran to the only place he could think of, the only place where he knew he could be alone for a little while and think.

The Shack.

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