Forbidden and Wrong

Author's Note: I first published this several years ago at fanfiction.net. I've grown a bit contemptuous of it since then, as I learned more about writing and as my style evolved, but it's got some fans and I'm still attatched to to essence of this story, even if I no longer care for the writing style. I'm reposting it 1) so that it can be seen in its full adult glory and 2) because I'm ever-so-slowly tapping out a companion piece. Enjoy!

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I watched the door continue to swing wildly for another moment before numbly walking to it and catching it to a stop. Slowly, I closed it again and returned to my bed, sitting for fear that my legs would soon cease to support me. ‘Ginny loves...me?’ my brain asked itself.

“But how?” I asked aloud. Lavender and Parvati entered then, chatting.

“Did you say something, Hermione?” Lavender asked.

“No,” I replied, hardly able to articulate sounds. “Nothing.”

“Did you see Ginny? She looks awfully upset,” Parvati asked. She didn’t seem to expect a reply, so I didn’t offer one. I needed to be alone.

“I think I’ll go to the library.” Somehow I forced my legs to carry me down the stairs, past the common room, and to the library. Old habits die hard, I guess, and I was used to going there to clear my head anyway. I pulled a random book off the shelf to keep Madam Pince from kicking me out for loitering.

I opened the book to a random page and sat down, staring at the words with unseeing eyes. How could this have happened? Ginny couldn’t love me! She wanted Harry for so long, and then when she had finally moved on, she had seemed so happy. No, it was impossible.

‘But that’s not true, now, is it?’ said a nagging, taunting voice somewhere in the back of my head. I started to think harder. What about all those times I’d catch her looking at me, and just ignore it? There had been signs for ages now. It was so obvious once I permitted myself to see it.

But where does that leave me? I can’t just ignore her; I’d never do that to a friend. I thought for awhile. In the end, I decided to explain to Ginny that we simply couldn’t be. I stood up to find her, and was suddenly filled with immense sadness. I sank back into my chair. Why couldn’t I move? Ginny and I could never be together. No one would accept it.

‘Is that really the reason?’ that nagging voice asked again. ‘You’re afraid.’ But afraid of what? She would be sad, I knew, but she was resilient, and she’d recover, whether or not our friendship did. Was that it? Was I afraid to lose her? Yes, that was it. But it was more than that, too. I felt my thoughts stray to Ginny. I thought of her perfect mahogany eyes, her hair the way it looked when the sun caught it. And that laughing smile. When I thought I might not see her smile at me again, a part of me wanted to die.

Then, suddenly, the last piece of the puzzle fell into place. I leaped from my chair and ran from the library, ignoring Madam Pince’s angry shrieks following me down the hall. By the time I’d reached the Gryffindor common room, I had to wait several moments to catch my breath before I could say the password. When I managed to crawl through the portrait hole, I headed immediately up the stairs to the fourth year girls’ dormitory. I steeled myself and opened the door quickly before I had a chance to chicken out.

“Ginny?” I asked. She was the only one in the room. She forced herself to look at me. I could tell she’d been crying. “Ginny, I...”

“What?” she demanded angrily. I was surprised.

“I, uhh...”

“Just get it over with!” she yelled shakily.

“I... I want to be with you, too.”