Discovering Yourself

Title: Discovering Yourself
Author: Gypsy Lupin-Black
Disclaimer: No own, no money, no sue.
A/N: I know, I know, it’s not slash here... don’t worry. Eventually it will be. .

Chapter 2: Picking Up The Pieces

It was another three days before Sirius got a night off. He still hadn’t told anyone what had happened. He knew Sayrah was willing to listen, though she’d been a little distant with him since he’d yelled at her. He didn’t really care though. There was only four people he even remotely felt like talking to. Two of those people were seated with him around their table, serving themselves chicken, rice, and green beans. Sirius watched them, his plate still empty. James and Lily were so happy. The whole house could have been a poster for domestic bliss. Lily was just beginning to show, and she and James both glowed. They were so proud, starting their family, and Sirius felt smothered by their togetherness. He sighed.

James looked up from his food. “Come on, Padfoot, tell me what’s wrong.” James had grown increasingly worried about his friend over the last few days. He’d found Padfoot on his porch again two nights ago, and Sirius hadn’t mentioned Loren at all in days. He was beginning to suspect that something had happened between them, when James realized what must have happened. “Loren got the ambassador position, didn’t she?”

Sirius looked up at him dully. “She moved out four nights ago. She leaves for the United States in two days.” Standing, Sirius smiled at Lily thinly. “I’m sorry Lily, I’m really not hungry. It looks great, though.” With Lily and James both looking after him with sad expressions, Sirius left the table and trod out into their living room. With another sigh, he dropped down onto their couch and stretched out. The fireplace, sensing his presents, sprung to life, and even it seemed cheery and all together too happy for Sirius’ current mental state. He rolled over to face the back of the couch. He could hear James coming out of the dining room, then there was a rustle of cloth as James sat down on the arm of the couch.

The two were silent for a while. Sirius doesn’t want to talk yet, James reasoned. He just needs someone who understands to be there. He’ll talk when he’s ready.

Sure enough, about ten minutes later, words welled up out of Sirius’ mouth. “I just thought everything was going so well for us, Prongs. Loren and I had great jobs, we were stable. We were… we were in love. Happy, you know? Like you and Lily. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I was planning on that. Ready for that.” Sirius paused for a moment. “I’d bought a ring.”

James stared at him, mouth open. “When?”

“Earlier that same day. I bought it, went to work, came home, and she said she was leaving.” Sirius’ voice was muffled by the back of the couch. His tone was still numb, no anger, no real pain even. Like he was relating events from someone else’s life. James was horrified. He didn’t know what to say to that. Luckily, Sirius wasn’t expecting him to say anything.

“I just thought, you know, that it was the perfect time. We’d been together for three years for Christ’s sake! And just like that, she up and leaves. Sure she was sad, but she could have told them no. She didn’t even ask me to go with her or anything. She just said, I’m going. You stay here. I don’t want a long distance relationship or anything. Just goodbye.” Sirius turned his head just enough to look at James. “You’re lucky, you know. You and Lily. You guys are where I thought Loren and I would be in six months. Now… I donno. I have no one, I work a job halfway across the country, and I live in a dingy cheap flat. Alone.”

“Oh Sirius,” Lily was in the doorway. She walked over and sat on the edge of the couch, leaned over, and hugged Sirius. “You’ll find someone. I know you will. And when you do you’ll be glad this happened. You’ll see.”

*_*_*_*_*_*

Sirius was early to work. For the first time since he’d stared working at Kolster’s Pub, he was early. Sayrah nearly fell over from shock. “Sirius! What are you doing here? Your shift doesn’t start for an hour.” It had been almost a month since Sirius had told Sayrah what happened with Loren, and Sayrah noticed that Sirius was starting to look a little better. He still looked haunted and hurt, and a little more disheveled than usual, but the gaping emotional hole in his eyes had started to heal a little bit. Sirius smiled at her, and it was almost his normal smile.

“I know, but I don’t have anything else to do. Figured I’d come in and get an extra hour or two.” Sirius tossed his jacket into the back and took off his scarf. Sayrah gasped when he turned around to face her.

“Sirius! Your hair!” Sirius long black hair was cut short, perhaps down to a little over an inch long, his bangs falling to the sides of his eyebrows. Sirius nodded.

“You like it? You were always bugging me to cut my hair. Now I figured, why not?” Sirius ran his hand through his new haircut. Sayrah wasn’t really sure what to say. She’d never for a second believed that he’d actually cut his hair. Sirius had always treated his hair as his pride and joy. “Besides,” Sirius continued, “it’s a lot easier to handle. Now I just have to run my hands through it after a shower and poof, it’s done.” Sirius walked behind the bar and was suddenly all business. A customer at the bar ordered a refill, and Sirius was right on it.

Sayrah watched him for a moment more, not sure what to think of this new Sirius. She was used to the Sirius she’d met two years ago, fresh out of Hogwarts. This new version, if it lasted, was going to take some getting used to. Seeing that he had the bar under control, Sayrah headed up the stairs to make sure the bed linens were fresh.

*_*_*_*_*_*

Remus Lupin was in the library at the Ministry of Magic when James found him. He was sitting at a table, reading some dusty old tome and taking notes. James waited to get his attention until he neared his table. “Moony, I have to talk to you. How come you haven’t answered your owls?”

Remus looked up, slightly mole-eyed behind his glasses. Seeing who was talking to him, he smiled. “I’m sorry, James. I’ve been very busy as of late, and haven’t had much spare time to answer letters. What did you need to talk to me about?”

“It’s about Sirius.” James said as he sat down on the other side of the table. “Loren left him a month ago.”

“What?” Remus was surprised. He, like the other Marauders, had been sure that Sirius and Loren would be together forever. “Why? What happened?”

James sighed. “Remember she applied for that position as the ambassador to the United States?” Seeing Remus nod, James continued, “well she got the spot. She left a few weeks ago.”

Remus closed his notes inside the large book. “How’s he handling it?”

“I’m not really sure,” James ran his hand through his hair. It was his nervous gesture. “One day he’s fine, happy, normal, then the next he’s so dark he could be a black hole.” He didn’t even realize he’d made a pun. “He showed up round my place for dinner last night with his hair cut short,” Remus gasped. Sirius cut his hair?! James nodded grimly and continued, “I’m just not sure how stable he is yet. And it doesn’t help that everything in that damned flat of his reminds him of her. I think he needs to find a new place.”

Remus agreed with James. If the loss of Loren was affecting Sirius this bad, he needed to get out of there and away from anything that reminded him of her. The two being Hogwarts sweethearts may make things difficult, as many, if not most of their sixth and seventh year pictures included Loren. Dimly, Remus heard James ask if maybe Sirius could stay with him, and he’d nodded before he’d really digested what he’d heard. “What? No, James. I don’t think that’s a good idea. My place isn’t much better than his!”

“But Loren hasn’t been there, Moony! You didn’t even keep any of the pictures that had her in them! Your place looks like she never even existed.” James had that pleading look on his face, his eyes round and hopeful. “It wouldn’t be forever, Moony. Just until Sirius can get another flat set up. I cant take him, I’m up at odd hours and between that and Lily’s cravings, he’d get no sleep at all. Please, just until we can work something out.”

Remus sighed. He had his own, very personal, reasons for not wanting Sirius living with him. It would complicate things, having the object of his undying unrequited affection sleeping on his sofa. Remus had a life now, had a lover, and he was afraid of what his lover would think. Remus frowned. What was he thinking? Sirius was his best friend. They were Marauders. Just because they were out of school now didn’t mean that the bond was broken. If his lover really trusted him, he would understand. As for Remus’ feelings towards Sirius… well, he’d managed them while he was living in the same dormitory as Sirius, he could manage them again now. He really didn’t have any good excuse to say no.

Looking up, he met James’ hopeful eyes, and nodded. “Ok, he can stay with me for a while.”

Relief swept over Prongs’ face. “Oh, thank you Moony. You’re a true friend, as usual. I’ll talk to Sirius about it in the next couple days. Hopefully he’ll agree. It’s for the best, anyhow.”

Remus rolled his eyes. It was just like James to have not even talked to Sirius about this yet. “Well, when you know, give me some advance notice. I need to get everything set up. And clean.”

“Clean? It’s not like you have to impress Padfoot, you know. He’s not going to care what your place looks like,” James laughed.

Remus smiled. “I will though. Now, Prongs, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to work.” He opened the heavy book again and pulled his papers back out. Prongs nodded.

“I’ll see you this weekend, Moony,” James said, referring to that weekend’s full moon. The four of them still ran together, whenever they could. It was not often that all three animagi could be there on the same moon, but this weekend Wormtail was going to be in town, and Padfoot had sent James an owl just the other day asking where they were going to meet. James smiled as he left the library. Sirius was getting a little better, the thought. He still was hard pressed to talk about what had happened between Loren and him, but he was thinking about Moony again, and wanted to go running. It would be therapeutic, James thought. It was something that Loren had never been a part of. She’d known about Remus’ furry problem, of course, but had never been involved other than keeping the secret. No, the moons were still theirs.

Remus watched James leave, then sighed. How would he explain this to Jacob? Surely his lover would understand that Sirius just needed some time. That Remus was just helping a friend. Remus closed the book again. As much as he tried to convince himself that Jacob would understand, some lingering voice said he wouldn’t. Jacob was always a jealous lover. He hated other men even looking at Remus! How could Remus expect him to be ok with a man living in his flat! He was having enough of an issue as it was with the fact that Remus wasn’t letting him move in.

Closing his golden eyes, Remus rubbed his temples. Thinking about Jacob gave him a headache. He knew it wasn’t working out. They wanted the same thing, but they had two very different ways of getting there. Not to mention that Jacob didn’t know about Remus’ furry affliction. Peter asked Remus in nearly every letter they exchanged when he was planning to tell Jacob. And in every letter Remus avoided the question. Remus was sure that Wormtail knew why. He’d known Jacob for longer than Remus had. He was the one who had introduced the two of them, though Remus knew that he’d never expected them to get together. He’d even advised against it. Jacob, he’d said, was not the kind of man who made a good partner. But he’d reminded Remus of Sirius, and the sex was amazing. One thing had led to another, and, six months later, Jacob and Remus were still together. And Remus and Peter were writing nearly every day, about many subjects, but mostly about Jacob.

Now, Remus knew that he should end it with Jacob. He wasn’t interested in being someone’s property. He wasn’t interested in having a lover who got jealous whenever Remus spoke to another man. He wasn’t interested in a lover who had to constantly be in charge. He didn’t want to ask permission for Sirius to stay over. He wasn’t five.

Jacob was the only man who had even looked at Remus sexually since he’d gotten out of Hogwarts. For the most part, he was a very kind man. When it was just the two of them, Remus had fun. He was happy. And did he mention that the sex was AMAZING? That wasn’t enough of a reason to stay in the relationship though.

Remus shook his head. Either way, he couldn’t just sit in the library and not do anything. Returning the book to its rightful place, he collected his papers and his bag and left the library. He was done with work for the day, even though it wasn’t even noon yet. His current job, researching alternative uses for Chowdry Root, currently only used in making bone-regrowth potions, was fruitless for the moment. He wasn’t paid hourly, so he didn’t feel too bad about quitting early. Besides, they’d given him this assignment so that he would fail. Chowdry Root was used in very small quantities for the potion, and the newer potions in development didn’t use any of it at all. The root was fairly hard to grow and rather rare, thus it was expensive. The group he was currently working for made money selling the root to potion makers, and they were going to lose a lot of money if the demand slacked. They were already moving on to other products, though. Giving Remus this job had been an afterthought, a reason for them to fire him later. It had been this way ever since they’d found out he was a werewolf. To their credit, they hadn’t told the Ministry, but they were looking for a reason for him to leave.

Remus didn’t want to lose this job. It wasn’t exactly fun, but he was good at it. Or would be, if they started giving him assignments about things that had any research value. As it was, he was faced with the possibility that he was going to have to find yet anther job.

A/N: Chapter two done. YAY! Now please review, if you’re reading this. It’s only polite, and the more reviews I get, the faster I update! Cheers!