Cruel and Unusual Punishment

“SING- SING- SING- SING- SING- SING- SING…” the entirety of the Great Hall chanted, pounding their fists on the tables in unison. Slightly red in the face, but deciding to embrace his ridiculous challenge with an open mind, Draco stood up on his chair with his arms out to the side, calling for attention.

“To thy dearest Millicent Bullstrode…” Draco announced in an exaggerated gentlemanly tone, acknowledging the many whistles and catcalls with a nod of his head.

With hair as soft as caterpillar fur, and shoulders to block out the sun.
A voice as sweet as hippogriff feet, and breasts that must weigh a ton.

I know that it would be divine, if one day we dated.
But the thought that you could kick my ass, leaves me emasculated.

What’s a man to do, oh what’s a man to think?
Of a woman who, could wear my shoes, and shave in the bathroom sink.

I’ll buy the fastest racing broom, I’ll bulk up with some ‘roids.
To ensure that I will wear the pants, with all my manly toys.

For you only the finest furs, like bear, and mink, and skunk.
To make up for when the drugs kick in, and my balls have shrunk.

I should stop this now, before shit hits the fan.
I just ask one little thing, to feel more like a man.

Something no one else will have, a world record of sorts.
Not a gun to shoot a helpless deer, or a closet full of shorts.

No, I think if you would just be mine, I’m sure that I would be just fine.
I’d have the world’s largest Valentine.

There was silence, and a lot of gaping mouths with half-chewed breakfast hanging out the sides. Draco raised an eyebrow, glancing around the room wearily, trying hard not to panic. He hoped beyond hope that he had not just committed social suicide.

Then, at once the hall erupted, so loud that one would think Slytherin had finally taken down Gryffindor for the House Cup. Draco’s sly smirk was fixed as he bowed deeply to the howls of laughter and thunderous applause. He made a point to keep Millicent out of his line of site, just incase she wasn’t too thick to realize he had actually been mocking her more than average size, and not soliciting a date.

One witch he did fancy a look at, just so happened to be the only occupant of the hall not amused by his performance. Even her two sidekicks were chuckling into their eggs and toast. Hermione however, was just sitting there with a sour look on her face, angrily stabbing her breakfast sausage with a vengeance. Slightly disappointed, Draco took a few more moments to bask in the glory of his poetic success, before lowering himself to sit between Crabbe and Zabini.

“You’re next, Zabini,” Draco leaned over and whispered into his friend’s ear.

“Don’t even think about it,” Blaise mumbled his response.

“Oh it’s been thought,” he said, grinning.

“You really think you’re going to get with her, don’t you?” the dark man asked incredulously. Draco had filled him in on Hermione’s little challenge the week before.

“Do Hufflepuffs wet their beds?” he replied smoothly. Blaise just sat there, dumbstruck. The man might have the looks, but he was dimmer than a blast-ended skrewt with a tampon up its blast end.

“The answer is yes, Zabini. Yes I do think I’m going to get with her.”

“Well then, good luck with that mate. Better you than me.”

“I don’t need luck, I’ve got style, and sex appeal, and a whole lot of other things my mum tells me about. Granger will want me in no time, so there will be no need for her ridiculous deal, and therefore no need to seduce the Gryffindors.” Draco stopped to make a retching noise before continuing. “There will be swoonage, that I can guarantee.”

“Well your ‘swoonee’ just stormed from the hall, and it seems she forgot to wear her ‘I Swoon for Cocky Slytherins’ t-shirt. That must be why she looks so pissed.”

Draco’s face fell when he realized his friend was right for once. He only caught the back of her bushy head before she disappeared through the double doors. He quickly snatched his bag and took off after her, without a second thought or another word to his friends, who didn’t even question his hasty departure. If only he could be as engaging as breakfast sausage…

~*~

“Oy, Granger! What’s your hurry?” he called out once he had caught up to her on the staircase leading off the Entrance Hall. She let out a frustrated groan, but didn’t stop to acknowledge his presence.

“Nice day, isn’t it?” he asked good-naturedly, but still got no response. “Poet was one talent I never knew I had, but now, thanks to you, I can add it to the very long list. So, did you enjoy the show?” They had reached the landing, and Hermione was about to turn in the direction of the library, but instead she spun around to face him.

“No, actually I did NOT enjoy the show! In fact, I HATED the show! I can feel my kippers regurgitating themselves just thinking about it!” she shouted at him.

“That’s because kippers are nasty,” he stated bluntly.

“Ugh! You are so bloody annoying!”

“Ugh!” he mocked her. “This was so bloody your idea!”

“It was a joke, Malfoy. As in ‘ha, ha, funny, funny,’ not to be taken seriously JOKE!”

“And how was I supposed to know that?” he asked her with a sneer, getting annoyed at her superior attitude.

“You’re Head Boy for Merlin’s sake! You’re supposed to have half a brain!”

“You shook on it! You can’t just shake on a joke! That’s just as good as a magical contract!”

“Yes but you weren’t supposed to do it! The whole point of the deal was to get you to stop bothering me for sex!”

“Pshh… not likely, Granger.”

“Why?” she asked him seriously.

“Why what?”

“Why do you want to sleep with me so badly that you’d stand up and make a fool of yourself in front of the entire school!? Why is it that you haven’t said but two words to me until we were instated Head Boy and Girl and now I can’t get you to leave me alone!? You’ve said it yourself, you can get any girl you want, so why ME!?”

Draco opened his mouth to reply but no words came out. It was easy to tell his friends why he wanted her. She was like the only peach in school that no one had taken a bite out of yet, or even licked the fuzzy part. Also, they had to share a common room and a bathroom for the whole year, which was just too good of an opportunity to pass up. It was almost like the school wanted them to do it, to have smarter babies or something. Then there was the fact that she was actually kind of sexy, in an angry and semi-scary kind of way.

These reasons were all well and good to tell his male housemates because they suited the image he was trying to project, but they would not work on Hermione. Truth be told, he didn’t know if his prior rationale was even the truth! He’d never given it that much thought, he just knew he wanted her. He knew he fantasized about her on more than one occasion, in more than one compromising position. He knew that he pictured gripping her bushy hair, while another girl’s mouth was hard at work on his manhood, no matter how perfect a mane the suckling girl might have possessed. He also knew that it was ‘Hermione’ he called out during his morning wanks, despite whomever he might have bedded the night before. He knew all this, and yet he was clueless to why he wanted her, why it was her in his dreams, when he really could have any girl he saw fit.

Not wanting to lie to her, and wanting to say something so he didn’t look like a dim-witted idiot, he told her the only truth he could think of.

“I… I don’t know… I guess… I just… do,” he shrugged. She looked him straight in the eye, her brows furrowed.

“That’s just not going to be good enough.”

With that she quickly turned and retreated, leaving Draco alone in the empty hallway, too stunned by his own confusing admittance to follow her.





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A/N: I was seriously touched by the response this story got, because I was not expecting it at all, and it def made my day, so THANK YOU reviewers!!

And about the sad sad attempted poetry… well… Let’s just pretend I’m bad on purpose, because Draco is supposed to be bad…. Oh yes… I like this excuse…

Now you know what to do- REVIEW!