Harry in the Night

When I had awoken I was alone in the deep night, moonlight spilling thickly onto my pillow. My wounds were dressed and throbbing painfully. Professor Snape was no where in sight. I did not expect to feel sad or angry, but I did. A far cry from the intense feelings I remembered, but they were there all the same. I had been so confused afterwards, but I’d continued my hermit-like existence not knowing what else to do.

The day before term was to start McGonagall came to see me. Told me she’d like me to stay through the year, considering I knew the grounds so well, did not seem to mind the forest and dealt with more dark arts and creatures than almost anyone she knew. I accepted with a nod, not because I wanted to, but because I didn’t have anything else I really wanted to do. I’d been waiting for winter so I could draw the forest covered in snow---why not stay? I didn’t go to the beginning feast, though food was magicked to me. Winter came and I watched kids---some I knew, but mostly fresh, eager faces---filing through the snow to watch Quidditch games, go to the Green houses and generally to be outside. I had forgotten that some people worried about nothing but day to day life---not murders, voices in their heads, Dark Lords, saving the Wizarding World---having wet dreams about their former professors…

And no I’m not talking about Sprout. It seemed somehow Severus had filtered so much into my mind that while I tried to never consciously think of him my subconscious was another story. It liked the idea of his chocolate voice whispering into my ear, his skilled hands running over my torso, his lips trailing my neck, his legs spreading mine…And he was never Snape---it was always Severus I called out.

Christmas had come and I’d once again forgone going to the castle. But I had an unexpected visitor that day.
“ Mr. Potter I was wondering if you would have a drink with me?” I’d blinked for a few moments, not knowing what to say when faced with the form of the potion master and current star of late night fantasies standing in my doorway. But the man had pushed past me, taking a bottle of brandy from inside his jacket, a few shots missing from the opened bottle. The damn man had done it again, I felt surprised and a little happy. Did he know what he was doing to me?

“ What are you doing here?” I had managed, closing the door to the howling wind. When I’d turned the man was standing by the fire holding two glasses and eyeing the hut. Gone were the dead animals, biscuits that could crack teeth and alcohol that caused body spasms. Instead I‘d brought in trinkets from the forest; interesting twisted wood branches, rocks of various shapes and sizes, a few sets of gigantic rainbow butterfly wings, grass wicker baskets filled with roots and berries, and feathers from various fowl.

After the long inspection, and feeling I’d past another test, he finally offered me one of the glasses and I took it, repeating the question. Severus had thrown back the drink before answering.
“ I thought the boy-who lived might be a little depressed around the holidays with no friends and no family.” The remark was snide and the pain was real. I’d set down my glass without touching the liquid and turned to put away the drawings I’d been working on before the man had come and made me---made me feel things. There was a sigh from behind me, one of regret.

“ Harry, I---” But the man stopped. When I’d turned I saw he’d removed something else from his pockets and set it on the table. It was wrapped in a blanket, whatever it was and damn it but I was curious. “ This is for you.” I hadn’t been able to stop myself from walking to the table and carefully sliding the cloth away from the thing inside. I’d gasped as I revealed a basket nestling a tiny red baby bird.
“ It’s a phoenix.” The man had unnecessarily said, sounding a bit nervous. I’d stretched a finger towards the infant and it shakily rubbed it’s head against my touch. There was silence as I let the animal explore me, learning my feel and fragrance as Severus rushed on. “ I suppose it reminded me of you. You have so many gifts inside you to give to the world, time and time again you rise from your ashes in a great burst of flame and light…your voice gives hope when others cannot feel it…” He‘d looked as stunned as I felt and I‘d stared down at the table, my heart pounding too hard. Never in a thousand eons had I thought Severus saw me like that or that he would say those things aloud for me to hear. There was a rustle of clothes and I’d looked up to see Severus preparing to leave.

“ Severus…” He’d looked up, surprised, at his given name. I’d turned and rummaged through my drawers, pulling out one of my sketch books. Tearing a page from it I handed the precious piece to him. It was the only picture I’d drawn of the castle, before the repairs, before the last battle. Everything was from memory, a deep part inside me that could never be seen in real life again. Severus had looked at it for such a long time I’d wondered if he was looking for the flaws. But then he’d rolled it carefully and placed in one of the many pockets that seemed to be inside his jacket. The man hadn’t looked at me as he’d left.

I didn’t see him again till spring, all the while feelings coming easier, the links back to my emotions being mended partly because of the phoenix I’d finally named Bennu, after the Egyptian folklore. I’d found this particularly fitting considering looked like a brilliant red heron. The other parts healing while I slept. My dreams began to turn from mostly nightmares to mostly waking up with sticky sheets. That spring he’d come to me with a list of plants he needed and to look in on Bennu, not even stopping to talk to me. But as he turned to leave he looked back to see me staring and something in his eyes wanted to say so much more than he was ready to. That was two months ago.

Tonight I had dreamed of him. But not his thin, pale body, nor his smoky rich voice. But of him lying under the rubble the castle should have stayed as----broken, bleeding, but baring it like he had so many other things. I woke up crying---feeling more than I had since before that time: fear, sadness, loneliness, depression…love. I don’t know how, but I’d fallen in love with my ex potions professor and now I am left to deal with the consequences.