Running Away

**flashback**

Ron was dead. He was dead. Killing by Bellatrix LeStrange. Harry and Hermione were in Grimmwauld, alone and distraught. Hermione sat at the kitchen table, crying, feeling guilty for never telling Ron the truth about how she felt about him. She had not loved him, but she had led him to believe they had a chance when the war was over. Harry stood by the sink, holding in the tears, feeling guilty as he looked at Hermione. He loved her, and so had Ron, he loved the girl his best friend loved and it tore him up. Ron had always been second, and Harry would have even taken the one thing Ron had going for him, Hermione.

“I wasn’t a good friend to him. I can’t believe he is gone. I betrayed him, and... I can’t believe he is gone.” Harry sobbed and turned away from the table.

“Don’t say that. You were and are the best friend that either of us could ever ask for. It is I who was a bad friend. I lied to him. I lied about so much. I made him believe that... oh well I guess it doesn’t matter now. He’s gone. It feels strange to actually say that. Ron is dead.” Hermione wiped the tears from her face and stood to leave.

“Don’t go. I don’t want to be alone. Please, stay.” Harry turned back to her and pleaded for her to stay.

“Okay.” Hermione was surprised to see Harry didn’t want to be alone. He always wanted to be alone in times like this. Ron wasn’t the first loss and every loss before Harry had always wanted to be alone. Harry sighed and leaned on the sink, acting as if he was almost too weak to stand.

“You can’t kill yourself over a lie, Hermione. It couldn’t have been that big. You were never one to lie about something too important.” Harry tried to ease her guilt.

“I made him think I loved him. I never actually said it, but I made him think we at least had a shot after this whole thing was over. I never told him how I truly felt. I let him die thinking I loved him.” Hermione crossed her arms, trying to hold in the sobs that rose in her chest.

“Then that means he died happy, Hermione. You shouldn’t feel guilty for that. You should be thankful that you gave him hope, something to look forward to. Most people don’t have something to look forward to. He did. Everyone should know what it feels like to know they have love waiting for them at the end of a long road. It makes the journey not so hard.” Harry fiddled with a crumb on the counter, unable to look at her.

“You’ll find love, Harry, I’m sure of it. You always think that you never good enough for anything good to happen to you. You deserve it more than anyone. Just wait, she’ll come around.” Hermione smiled at him, and the expression on Harry’s face changed. He took the few steps that distanced them and stopped only inches from her face.

“What if that day never comes?” And then he kissed her. A deep, meaningful kiss that took her breath away. She adjusted easily and snaked her arms around his neck and pulled him close. He deepened the kiss and begged for entrance to her mouth. She opened for him and their tongues fought for dominance. He pushed her against the kitchen table and lifted her to sit on it. They broke apart and stared into each others eyes. Both out of breath, both with swollen lips. Hermione slowly nodded her head once as if to let Harry know it was okay.

Harry picked her up and carried her down the hall to his room. He shut the door with his foot and laid her on the bed. He followed her onto the bed and settled on top of her. He began kissing her neck and throat and a moan escaped Hermione’s throat. He slid a hand up her shirt and the feel of her skin was like fire under his fingertips. He teased her skin, moving his fingers slowly over every inch of skin he could, and when he reached the lace of her bra, he stopped. He looked to her, as if asking permission to tread on unfamiliar ground. Hermione answered by lifting her shirt over her head and reaching behind and unclasping her bra.

“Harry, please.....”


“Hermione!....... Hermione!” Hermione suddenly snapped out of her current state of daydream. She wondered why of all the things to daydream about, today of all days, it would be that night with Harry. She shook her head and looked to her mother.

“Sorry, mum. What were you saying?” Hermione tried to keep her composure, and not appear flustered.

“I was saying that you look beautiful.” Hermione’s mother smiled at her with tears glistening in her eyes. Hermione turned back to the wall of mirrors. She forced a smile as she stared at herself in the elegant white gown. She ran her hands down her sides, feeling the satin glide along her fingers. She inhaled deeply and felt her chest restricted by the bodice of the dress. She suddenly felt a desperate need to get out of the dress.

“I’m sorry but I need to get out of this. I’m having a hard time breathing.” Hermione walked around the wall of mirrors on the verge of hyperventilating. She collapsed onto the bench in the dressing room.

After several minutes Hermione emerged from the dress shop with her mother in tow. Neither had spoken since Hermione disappeared to remove the dress. They walked down the block and Hermione made no attempt to explain her sudden breakdown.

“Sweetheart, is everything okay? You seemed a little, I don’t know, unhinged. You spaced out and then you seemed to freak out. I’ve never seen you like that.” She grabbed Hermione’s arm to stop her from walking. Hermione looked to her mother and saw the concern on her face.

“I’m fine, mum. Just a little nervous is all. Tomorrow’s the big day. Just getting cold feet I guess. I’ll be fine. Didn’t you get like this when you married Dad?” Hermione tried to remain as calm as possible.

“No, I didn’t actually. I was so sure of things with your father that I had no nerves. Your father was the only man I ever loved, so I knew it was right.” Her mother tried to reassure her that everything would be okay.

“I’m going home. I’m tired and I just need to lie down for awhile.” Hermione hugged her mother and gave her best attempt at a smile. As she turned to walk away, she whispered, “Besides, Gerard isn’t the only man I’ve loved.”

Hermione disappeared around the corner and never saw her mother frown after hearing her last comment, knowing what she had to do.

Hermione awoke two hours later to a loud knock on her door. She pulled herself off of her couch and walked to the door. She looked out of the peephole on the door and saw her mother nervously standing on the other side. She opened the door and motioned for her mother to come in. She closed the door and followed her into the living room.

“I said I was fine. You really didn’t need to come by. I was taking a kip, you woke me p. Everyone is entitled to be nervous the day before they get married, whether you did or not.” Hermione put her hand on her mothers shoulder for her to turn around.

When she turned around her mother was crying. She shook her head and held out her hand. She held a piece of parchment, it looked old and browned. Hermione looked at her mother puzzled.

“I was trying to protect you. At the time it seemed like what was best for you. We had just moved here and you seemed to be getting along okay and I didn’t want you to get hurt again. But now, I would hate for you to make a decision, a life changing decision, without knowing everything. I’m so sorry, Hermione.” Her mother pushed the parchment into her hand. Hermione looked at her hand holding the parchment.

“What is this, mum?”

“It’s a letter from Harry. He sent it shortly, actually about a month, after we left. You weren’t home when the owl came and I hid it away. I have no idea what it says. I didn’t read it, but that doesn’t change the fact that I did it. I’m so sorry.” Hermione continued to stare at the parchment. She couldn’t believe it. For three years, she had prayed for this to happen. She knew that if he wrote it meant he loved her, and then he never wrote. And she gave up hope. Her excitement suddenly turned to anger as she realized what this meant. For three years Harry had waited for a response and never got one.

“How could you do this? How could you? You knew how I felt about him. I can’t believe you kept this from me!” Hermione felt like she was drowning. She could barely breath and had several tears running down her face.

“I can never say that I am sorry enough. Like I said, at the time it seemed like the best thing for you. It’s my job to protect you, Hermione. Only now I see I was only hurting you.” She walked to the door. Half way out she turned back to Hermione. “Follow your heart, for once, don’t think about what’s logical. I’m here whatever you do.”

Hermione stopped crying as she heard the door close. She sat down on the couch and stared at the parchment. She unfolded it and recognized Harry’s handwriting immediately.

My dearest Hermione,

I know I’m a little late, a month too late, but I wanted to let you know a few things. First off, I miss you, more than anything or anyone, I miss you so much. I have been so lost this last month. I don’t even know what day it is. I don’t leave the house, I just lay in bed or look out of the windows thinking you’ll come back, and every night I fall asleep knowing that I let you leave.

I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. Everything was so messed up. I didn’t know how to feel about anything. I’m a murderer, Hermione. I killed someone. Do you know how that feels? I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. I’m not talking about Voldemort, that had to be done. I’m talking about Dolohov. I killed him, in cold blood, I killed him without even blinking. I killed him because he almost took you away from me. I vowed all those years ago in the Department of Mysteries that I would get even with him, and when I came across him on the field at Hogwarts I just killed him. I didn’t try to disarm him, he wasn’t hurting anyone, he was running away scared, cause they were losing. And I raised my wand and with your blood soaked face in my mind, I shot that green light at him. I didn’t feel like myself after that, when the war ended. His face haunted my dreams and I feel so much remorse. I felt like one of them, I didn’t think I could love you.

That night, at Grimmwauld, after Ron died. When were laying in bed, I pretended to be asleep. I heard you whispering to me. Telling me you couldn’t love Ron, because you loved me. I want you to know, I carried that with me to the final battle, I used it against him. That night, when you said that, it’s the happiest I’ve ever been.

I don’t know why I let you leave, I had a million reasons why you should stay. I don’t know what hurts more, having all that to say and watching you walk away, or living with it now. I know that if I had it all to do over again, I would tell you to stay. To fight my nightmares with me, give me a reason to get over what I did. Because I love you, I have always loved you. I never told you in school, cause Ron fancied you and I thought you fancied him. Then it was to protect you from Voldemort. And then I guess I thought I was protecting you from me. But I love you, Hermione, with all my heart. If you’re not too settled in France yet, if you haven’t found a new home, please come back. Come back to me, be with me. I know what I want out of life now, what I want to do with my life, but none of it matters if you’re not here with me. I need you, I always have. Please come back or at least write me to let me know that our friendship is still important, if your not coming home. I just want to hear from you. Please, Hermione.

Love always,

Harry