Snape's Real Worst Memory

DISCLAIMER: Again, all of you astute HP geeks will note that at the end of the story there seems to be some familiar words. I used some of the very end of the Snape's Worst Memory chapter to finish out my own humble reworking of the piece. Hope you enjoy, and sorry for the super long delay in posting this second and final chapter.
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Chapter Two – Necessary Evils

“You really are a big flaming poof…”

As both men laughed at this statement, the walls of the bed chamber began to spin and fade around Harry. He looked around frantically, fear filling him as he thought that the present-day Snape may have caught him. Suddenly the walls returned, spinning into place. But they weren’t the mahogany walls from before. They were a pale blue, or at least they appeared to be because of the moonlight that shone through the window across the way. Harry was standing in what appeared to be another bedroom, only this one was larger and much darker. He was standing against the door of the room facing the bed, and again a young Snape was on it; only this time he was seated and he was fully clothed in what to Harry was his typical attire of a long black high collared coat and black slacks. He also looked thoroughly miserable.

Perhaps miserable wasn’t the best term. This Snape looked like a defeated man. He seemed too hollow to really be described as miserable. He sat with his hands folded in his lap and his head hanging down. His black hair now hung freely around his face and lay limp on his black clad shoulders. Harry could now easily see how this young man became the adult Snape he had come to know. What could have changed him so drastically?

Harry was startled suddenly by a soft knock on the door behind him. Whoever it was didn’t wait for an answer, and Harry jumped out of the way just in time to avoid the door swinging in his direction. Lucius Malfoy’s blonde head peered through the door and squinted in the darkness for a moment before a brilliant smile lit up his face.

“Severus! You really must wear brighter colors; I almost didn’t see you in here.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, Lucius.” Snape didn’t look up from his lap as he said this. He made no movements at all.

“Well regardless, you look fantastic.”

“No I don’t. There’s no need to flatter.”

Malfoy approached the bed and sat down next to Snape. He reached towards the other man’s face and pushed his dark hair behind his ear. Harry noticed that Lucius discreetly wiped the fingers that had brushed through Snape’s hair on his pant leg.

“Alright, you look like shit. What’s happened to you?”

Snape turned his head slowly towards Lucius, his face becoming bathed in the cold moonlight from the window. Harry was now able to see what appeared to be huge dark circles under Snape’s eyes. He looked as though he hadn’t slept for a year.

“Where do you want me to start, Lucius? A lot has happened over the past four months.”

“Four months? Has it really been that long?”

“Yes. It has.” For the first time since the change in scenery, Snape’s voice betrayed emotion; a combination of irritation and anger. “Do the math, Lucius. Narcissa is due in four and a half months, and I haven’t seen you since you found out she was pregnant. Yes, it’s been four months.” Harry did some quick math of his own, and placed this scene as being about fifteen years before.

“I’m sorry, Sev. She’s wanted me around ever since we found out. Tonight’s the first time she’s agreed to go anywhere. I think she’s worried about people laughing about her weight or some other stupid thing.”

“She’s probably worried about you and the baby, Lucius.” Malfoy squinted in confusion at the man sitting next to him.

“What do you mean, Sev?”

“Are you really that dim? Do you think no one suspects you-”, Snape lowered his voice to an almost inaudible whisper, “-of being involved with the Dark Lord; of being one of his followers? And of course, that would make Narcissa guilty by association.”

“But she’s not even involved in that!”

“Of course she isn’t, but do you think a band of zealous Aurors gives a damn? Every time you or she steps out the door, you’re at risk. Once she found out she was pregnant, she must have grown terrified that something would happen to you. While I know you’ll be shite as a father, she doesn’t, and she wants her husband around to see his child born. She’s been keeping you home for your own safety, and refusing to go out for your child’s. She’s a smart woman.”

Lucius stared at Snape, his jaw dropped. After a moment, he seemed to regain his ability to speak.

“For starters, what makes you think that I’m going to be a shite father?”

“Your wife has to guilt you to stay home, Lucius. Once she can’t hold it over your head that she’s pregnant, what’s going to keep you around then? Do you really think that you’ll give up on doing the things that you want to do for your child?”

“You’re talking as though you had nothing to do with this! Do you realize, Sev that you’re ‘the things I want to be doing’? Merlin, you’re even agreeing with her, what the Hell’s wrong with you?!”

Snape looked away from Lucius and oddly enough stared directly where Harry was standing. Harry received a jolt as those black eyes seemed to stare right through him; well actually, they were staring right through him. With the way this conversation was progressing, Harry felt that his being privy to this scene was even more inappropriate than the previous one. Harry squirmed uncomfortably as thought about the dampness in the front of his trousers.

“There’s nothing wrong with me, Lucius. I’ve just realized that what we had is over, and you haven’t come to that realization yet.” His eyes looked dead, absolutely devoid of any emotion. Harry now understood why Snape must be so good at Legilimency; he obviously had mastered how to shut off his emotions many years before.

“What? What are you saying, Sev?” Snape looked back at Malfoy, whose face bore the look of someone who just found out that their family pet died.

“What I’m saying is that this relationship, this thing that you and I had is over. You have an obligation to your family, Lucius. Step up and take responsibility for your decisions.”

“So you’re trying to punish me for choosing to marry her, is that it?” Snape shook his head without breaking eye contact with Malfoy.

“No. I’m letting you know that you can’t have it both ways. I don’t expect you to choose me over them, and I don’t-”, Snape faltered, his resolve cracking for a moment. He took a shallow breath and continued. “And I don’t want you to.” Harry was just as shocked to hear this as Malfoy seemed to be.

“That’s bullshit, Sev. I know you still love me, just like I still love-”

“Shut up. Just stop.” Snape’s voice took on an all too familiar quiet, deadly tone.

“No. I’m not going to make this easy for you.”

“You think this is easy for me?!” Snape could no longer hold back the emotion he had attempted to dam up. He jumped up from the bed and stood to face Malfoy who remained seated.

“Keep your voice down, would you?” Lucius pulled his wand from his pocket and placed a charm on the room to sound proof it. Snape continued on as if Malfoy had said nothing.

“Do you think any of this has been easy for me? Do you think it was easy for me to stand there at your wedding day, and watch you marry her? I stood there right next to you that day because you thought it would be too suspicious if your best friend wasn’t your best man! I stood there next to you! Do you think that was easy; do you, Lucius?! I know you thought that that was terribly funny, that we had pulled one over on Narcissa.” Snape was visibly shaking now, his fists clenched at his sides. He continued on over Lucius’ feeble attempt to speak.

“But it wasn’t funny; not for me. All of this has been some grand joke to you. You always thought it was so amusing when you and I would be together and Narcissa would still remain completely clueless. I never thought it was funny, Lucius. Never.”

“I didn’t think it was fu-” Lucius stammered before Snape cut him off.

“And then four months ago I find out, via owl, that Narcissa’s pregnant. I wasn’t so deluded that I didn’t know you two were fucking, but to find out about blatant evidence thereof…do you think that was easy for me? And you couldn’t even tell me to my face, you bloody coward!” Suddenly Snape’s hand swung forward, and though Snape’s back blocked it from Harry’s view, he could hear the loud crack of Snape’s hand making contact with Malfoy’s face.

Malfoy leapt off the edge of the bed, grabbing Snape’s wrist as he stood. He pushed Snape backwards until he had slammed the slighter man against the wall directly next to where Harry stood. He grabbed Snape’s other wrist and held his hands against the wall on either side of his head. Malfoy leaned forward until his face was within an inch of the other man’s.

“You think this has all been a massive joke for me? Oh yes, Sev, it’s been nothing but fun to see you at meetings and pass you in hallways and not be able to touch you. It’s been wonderful knowing that I won’t be able to spend my night with you. To know that I’ll have to share a bed with someone I don’t even like! Do you know how hard it’s been to see you and have to fight the urge to just run up to you and kiss you?”

Lucius stared into Snape’s enraged face for a moment before pressing his mouth fiercely against the other man’s. Snape’s arms tensed as though he were trying to push Lucius away; small grunts escaped from Snape but were smothered by Lucius’ desperate mouth. After a moment, the struggle stopped and Snape began pressing his mouth back against Lucius’. Malfoy let go of Snape’s wrists and wrapped his arms around Snape’s black clad waist, pulling his lower body forward against him. Snape’s lean arms found their way around Lucius’ neck; his hands roving in an almost frantic fashion into Malfoy’s silver-blonde hair. The contrast of Snape’s dark features and clothes to the light coloring of Malfoy’s hair and grey clothing was vivid and stark in the moonlight as the two men’s hands roved fiercely over each other’s body.

Harry inched his way further down the wall away from the two of them as Lucius began to undo the buttons on the front of Snape’s coat. Malfoy pulled the material down around Snape’s arms, locking them at his sides as he pressed the slighter man against the wall, pinning him there with his hips. Malfoy brought his mouth against Snape’s throat and Harry quickly caught a glint of moonlight off of his exposed teeth before they closed onto the soft flesh beneath Snape’s jaw. Snape’s head pressed back against the wall as he grunted through clenched teeth, his arms pulling against their makeshift restraints.

Lucius pulled back from Snape’s neck, revealing bloodshot flesh surrounded by vivid teeth marks. The blonde dropped to his knees in front of Snape and pulled the black coat off of his thin arms as he went. He flung the material to the side and deftly undid the top of Snape’s trousers, yanking them down to reveal his half-hard cock.

“You think I haven’t missed you; haven’t missed this? I’ll show you how much I’ve missed this”, Malfoy said in a hushed voice as he worked Snape’s cock to full hardness. Harry stood, still pressed against the wall as Lucius brought his mouth down around his lover’s prick, sheathing him fully. This all seemed so different from the last scene in that small, warm chamber. There was heat here, a searing passion. But no warmth.

Snape’s now free hands grabbed fistfuls of blonde hair as he bit his lip harshly. Harry noted that Snape didn’t look down at the man whose mouth surrounded him with the love that he had the last time. He didn’t look down at him at all. His eyes remained tightly closed like someone having a nightmare. Or perhaps more accurately, like someone trying to cling onto that last minute of sleep so they can continue enjoying a pleasant dream for a moment longer.

Lucius pulled back, releasing Snape’s hardness as he pressed a hand to the back of Snape’s knee, bending it and lifting his foot off the floor. He pulled one leg of his slacks off over his shoe and did the same to the other until Snape stood, leaning against the wall in nothing but his black button up and his shoes. Malfoy’s hands caressed over the other man’s buttocks, then down his thighs where Malfoy allowed his nails to trail harshly along Snape’s pale skin. He lifted up a side of Snape’s shirt and pressed his lips against one jutting hip bone before he spoke quietly against Snape’s abdomen.

“I still love you, Sev. Always have, always will. I need you, and you know you need me too. Narci-”, he paused before continuing. “She doesn’t change that. The kid growing inside her doesn’t change that.” He looked up at the dark haired man who stood stoically, his eyes now open but trained on the opposite wall. “I can still be there for you…perhaps not as often as either of us would like, but I can still be there. Please let me be there.” His voice sounded desperate and needy as he stared up at his lover’s face which looked completely impassive.

He stood up and took Snape by the shoulders, trying to get him to look him in the eye only to have Snape avert his gaze to where he had just been kneeling. “You stubborn son of a bitch.” Lucius grabbed Snape’s chin in one hand and jerked his head upwards and pressed his mouth fiercely against the other man’s. His other hand went to his own trousers and undid the belt, buttons and zipper which allowed his pants to slide over his thin hips and settle down around his thighs. His hand next went to travel along Snape’s left leg, lifting it up to circle Malfoy’s hip. Malfoy broke from the kiss just long enough to slick his fingers with his own spit before bringing his hand under Snape’s raised leg and up towards his entrance. Then it was Snape’s turn to break the kiss.

“Not like this.” Malfoy’s face filled with confusion as Snape’s eyes finally locked onto his. “It’s not happening like this, not with some mock tenderness. Let’s treat this like what it really is. A fuck in some abandoned bedroom.” Snape brought his leg down from around Lucius’ torso and turned to face the wall, spreading his legs and leaning forward onto his forearms.

“Quit being so melodramatic and face me, Sev. Severus, face me!” Snape remained facing the wall, not moving a muscle. Malfoy backed away for a moment as though contemplating leaving, but then came back to stand behind Snape, between his legs. “Fine, this way then.” He re-slicked his fingers and slid all three at once inside the other man.

Harry gasped and brought his hand up to his mouth. He looked on in horror as Snape’s eyes slammed closed and he grunted in what sounded like a strange combination of pain, anger, and pleasure. Of all the things Harry had seen in this room and the last, this was the most foreign to him- how could this man be feeling all those things at once? He imagined in his place he would be screaming in agony. Yet it seemed as though a part of Snape was satisfied by this pain. Harry’s hand still covered his mouth as he continued watching.

Malfoy removed his fingers after a minute of working them harshly inside of the other man’s ass. He brought his hand up to his mouth and spit into his palm before pumping his fist over his erection, barely coating his cock with his saliva and pre-come before pressing the head against Snape’s entrance. Harry closed his eyes, unable to watch him hurt this other man; unable to watch him hurt Snape.

He heard Snape cry out loudly as a feral groan erupted from Malfoy’s throat. Just as Harry had been able to see the resemblance between this Snape and the man he had grown to despise in the future, he was now able to tell how the Lucius Malfoy, who had held a man in his arms and reassured him of his love and devotion in the last scene, grew to be the cruel, malicious man Harry knew in his present time. With his eyes closed, Harry tried desperately to leave the Pensieve again, to fly up through the circular opening and be away from this horrible scene. Again, he remained rooted to the floor.

Harry kept his eyes closed tightly until Snape’s moans of pain were replaced with an occasional grunt or deep, throaty sigh. When he opened his eyes he saw Lucius leaning against Snape’s back, his head resting against the back of Snape’s neck as he thrust roughly inside the other man. One hand rested on Snape’s hip while the other worked his cock. Snape’s head rested against his forearms, his hair hanging down in such a way that his face was obscured from Harry’s view. He met Lucius’s thrusts with a backward push, impaling himself on the other man’s prick and then pushing forward into his hand. No matter what way he moved, he was surrounded by the other man.

For a moment, Snape’s right arm came away from the wall and he pulled his hair away from his face and tucked it behind his ear. He replaced his arm and leaned his forehead against his forearms again. In the glow of the moonlight Harry could make out the shine of a tear sliding down Snape’s cheek. It took Harry a moment to realize that the tears weren’t caused by any physical pain. It was from another sort of pain entirely. Snape quickly rubbed his cheek against his forearm, smearing the wetness away from his eye.

The two men continued pushing against one another until they were both vocalizing with each thrust; Lucius grunting deep in his throat, Snape moaning loudly as he bit his bottom lip. Their movements became as frantic as those when they had first embraced in this room until Malfoy froze, his knees locking as he slammed into Snape one last time. Snape’s head tossed back and forth as Lucius’ fist squeezed and tugged on Snape’s length until he spurt over the other man’s hand, choking back what Harry was sure was a cry of his lover’s name.

Malfoy pulled slowly out of the other man, groaning as he did. He backed away, leaving Snape leaning against the wall. He slipped his left hand into his trouser pocket and Harry thought for a moment that he was retrieving his handkerchief and that perhaps he was going to clean up his lover like he had in the other bedchamber. Instead he pulled out his wand and the mess the two had made was cleaned up with a flick of his wrist. Snape withdrew from the wall, not looking at Lucius as he grabbed his trousers and pulled them back on gingerly. He winced as he pulled them up past his ass.

“This is what you wanted, isn’t it, Severus? Harsh and rough. Makes your decision easier, doesn’t it?” Snape stared down at his feet, hesitating before responding.

“Yes.”

“Well then, I’m glad I was able to help by playing the villain.”

“Don’t try to guilt me, Lucius.” He finished putting his clothing back on before turning to face the other man. He stepped towards Malfoy and finally looked him directly in the eye. “This is the right decision and you know it.”

“No, no I don’t know it!” Malfoy grabbed Snape by the shoulders. “And neither do you! This wouldn’t be so hard…you wouldn’t have needed this whole thing” Lucius gestured to the spot along the wall where they had had sex, “if you were certain! Don’t you see? We can still have what we had. Will it be different, yes, but it can still…we can still---”

Snape pulled from his grasp and stepped backwards, his hands clenched at his sides as he struggled to maintain a calm resolve in his voice. “You had a choice Lucius, back then. But now I’m taking that choice away from you. You don’t have the option of being with me anymore. Now you’re going to have to do what’s right. You’re going to have to be there for your wife. You have to be there for your child.”

“Is that it? The kid?” Lucius scoffed. “If she wasn’t pregnant, would you be doing this?”

“Yes, perhaps not now, but it would have happened eventually regardless. I wouldn’t be able to share you forever. The fact that you’re going to be a father has just pushed the process forward.” Snape laughed mirthlessly. “I’ve had a hard enough time competing with one person let alone two. And I shouldn’t be competition for your family.”

Lucius laughed disbelievingly. “I should make you the Godfather since you seem to care so much about the kid!” Lucius paced along the side of the bed. “Sev, just listen to me for a second---”

“No. It’s over Lucius. Just go downstairs, go back to the party.” His voice took on an acidy tone as he continued. “What will people think if you’re gone so long? As someone once told me, ‘appearances must be maintained’.” Snape stopped, closing his eyes for a moment. As quickly as the mocking tone had entered his voice, it was replaced by the dead timbre his voice had when he had first spoken upon Lucius’ entrance. “Go back to your wife, Lucius. She’ll be worrying about you.”

Lucius stopped pacing and stared at Snape. His mouth opened and closed several times as he seemed to struggle to find something to say; to find some compelling argument for his case. He found none. He closed his eyes and shook his head before striding past Snape and through the door without so much as a backwards glance.

Snape glanced towards the door as it slammed closed. He walked in an oddly stiff manner back to the bed and sat down slowly, grimacing as his backside made contact with the bed. He sat staring at the door blankly, not moving a muscle in his slight frame. Suddenly his shoulders began shaking as his body was wracked with horrible, choking sobs. Harry stepped slowly away from the wall towards the bed, to try and go comfort the man sitting there until he realized that he couldn’t. He stopped a few feet from the foot of the bed and stared helplessly as a flood of tears ran down the man’s cheeks and along the bridge of his hooked nose.

Snape continued to cry until the tears stopped coming and his body heaved with dry sobs. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath that didn’t seem to help put an end to these spasms. Try as he might, he couldn’t stop his body from shaking. Snape pulled shallow breaths through his clenched teeth as his hands balled into fists against his thighs. Finally he let out with a roaring cry of harsh, mixed emotions. It was unlike any anguish Harry had heard before. Suddenly, all around the room lamps, mirrors and windows exploded, sending shards of glass and ceramic flying.

Harry closed his eyes and threw his arms up to protect his face from the projectiles. Again it took him a moment to realize how immaterial he was in this place. He brought his arms down and opened his eyes to find himself face to face with present-day Snape. Harry felt his stomach drop into his feet. He jumped back in alarm, but was prevented from retreating as Snape’s hand shot out and grabbed his upper arm. His professor jerked him around to face the bed where his young self now sat, numbly wiping blood from the small cuts that now marked his face.

“Having fun?” Snape hissed into his ear before he felt himself being roughly pulled upwards out of the memory. Then, with a swooping feeling as though he had turned head over heels in midair, his feet hit the stone floor of Snape’s dungeon, and he was standing again beside the Pensieve on Snape’s desk in the shadowy, present-day Potions master’s study.

“So,” said Snape, gripping Harry’s arm so tightly Harry’s hand was starting to feel numb. “So…been enjoying yourself, Potter?”

“N-no…” said Harry, trying to free his arm. It was scary; Snape’s lips were shaking, his face was white, his teeth were bared.

“I’m sure you found that all horribly amusing, didn’t you Potter?” said Snape, shaking Harry so hard that his glasses slipped down his nose.

“I didn’t…”

Snape threw Harry from him with all his might. Harry fell hard on the dungeon floor.

“Silence!” Snape stood over Harry, glaring down the bridge of his long, hooked nose. “I think you’re going to find yourself in detentions for the remainder of your time here at Hogwarts. Especially on any evening when there’s a Quidditch practice.”

“If you do that, I’ll tell Draco and everyone else in the school who’ll listen what I saw you doing with his father!” He knew he was wrong for seeing what he had seen, and shouldn’t be making any threats. But he also knew that Snape wasn’t bluffing about keeping him away from Quidditch.

“Are you also going to tell them about your reaction to it?” Snape hissed in a dangerously soft tone.

Harry looked down and saw the damp spot at the front of his pants. He quickly pulled his school robes about him to conceal the stain.

“You will not tell anybody what you saw!” Snape bellowed.

“No,” said Harry, getting to his feet as far from Snape as he could. “No, of course I w---”

“Get out, get out, I don’t want to see you in this office ever again!”

And as Harry hurtled toward the door, a jar of dead cockroaches exploded over his head. He wrenched the door open and flew away up the corridor, stopping only when he had put three floors between himself and Snape. There he leaned against the wall, panting, and rubbing his bruised arm.

He had no desire at all to return to Gryffindor Tower so early, nor to tell Ron and Hermione what he had just seen. What was making Harry feel so horrified and unhappy was not being shouted at or having jars thrown at him – it was that he pitied Snape. This man who had tormented his life at Hogwarts; a man he had been convinced was evil from the start. He could understand him now. Snape was no longer just some villain – he was a man with a past. And Harry pitied him.

What made it all worse was the confusion he now found within himself. Had he reacted the way he had because he had never witnessed a sexual act before? Was it some odd trick of the Pensieve? Or was it something else entirely – something he had been ignoring his whole life; the thing that made him wary of sharing a room with four other boys when he had arrived at Hogwarts? The thing that made him avert his eyes and blush when he was in the locker room before a Quidditch match?

Harry leaned his head back against the cool stone wall, still breathing hard from running. He ran a hand through his sweaty hair and sighed. He had a lot of things to think about.