Longings of the heart

A/N: So here I am with the next chapter! Thank you all for the reviews!


Chapter: As if…


Next day I see you at work. You look through me as if I didn’t exist. You have no idea how true that is. I’ve been dead for years.

Dead, in a huge house with a tyrannical father, who pretended to be above everything and everybody but was in reality nothing more than a slave to his own fear and power-greed, and with a mother who was slowly suffocating under the terror of her ruthless, unloving husband. I already felt hollow and hopeless before I really began to live.

The only times I felt at least a tiny sparkle of life in me was during our many fights at Hogwarts and later when I felt you deep inside of me in the rented hotel room.

I don’t even know when my hatred turned into love, but I clearly remember the moment I first realized how much you meant to me. It was about two years ago, at the night of the final battle against Voldemort.


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I’m lying on the cold ground of the dark graveyard, both physically and mentally exhausted and broken after the long hours of throwing and shielding curses. I know I’m on the verge of passing out, but the sudden deadly silence makes me fight for consciousness.

It is time.

The-Boy-Who-Lived is finally face to face with the Dark Lord.

The fate of the whole world would be decided now.

But as you raise your wand, I cannot bring myself to care about the world. I’m scared. It scares me how much I’m affected by the thought of loosing you. I’m more afraid then during the long months of spying for Dumbledore or just a few minutes ago when I had to kill the man who called himself my father.

Something I’ve never felt before stirs in me. Something I have been taught to regard as weakness – but now I know it’s strength. Something I’ve never even hoped to be able to experience. Something I never want to loose again.

I try to raise my wand to help you by at least casting a protection spell to shield you from the curses of the remaining Death Eaters, who are still fighting fiercely against the members of the Order, but seem to be getting more and more impatient about somehow helping their Lord. But a pained cry – that for a short moment distracts you and draws your attention to me – escapes my lips as I try to move my broken arm.

And then suddenly I see you glowing and a bright ray of light emerges from your chest. It slowly spreads and then disappears into Voldemort, making him glow as well for some seconds before he simply fades away without even having time to cry out in surprise. I can hear his wand loudly dropping on the ground.

The last thing I remember before darkness claims me is you taking me into your strong arms with concern written on your exhausted face.

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I woke up three days later in St. Mungo’s. You were asleep in the uncomfortable chair beside my bed. A nurse told me later that you had never left my bedside in three days, and it gave me hope. But as soon as you saw I was awake and better, you left and didn’t visit again.

The next time we met was on our first day at the Ministry as aurors. You were distant, cold and overly polite. Your behaviour hasn’t changed since then. Not even after our first time together at the end of a drunken night with the Weasley twins and Seamus. For you it was a mistake – for me it was heaven. But it happened again, more and more often. Fur you it was just fucking – for me it was what kept me alive.

We usually met in the small hotel in muggle London because you didn’t want anybody to know about us. I didn’t really care as long as you came. I was always the first to arrive and you were the first to leave. We never spoke. The very first words the cold room had ever heard between us, were those spoken last night in that fateful moment of passion when I told you I loved you.

I slowly raise my eyes at you. You’re sitting behind the desk opposite to mine and seem to be working on a report. I know you can feel me staring at you but you choose to ignore it. Your indifference hurts me more than your anger would. But maybe you’re right. Maybe I deserve being treated like that. Maybe this is how I have to pay for whatever mistakes you think I’ve made in the past. I know I’m unworthy of your love, but that can’t change my feelings for you.

People start to notice that something is wrong and ask if I’m all right, but I don’t even care to answer just continue staring at you until you finally stand up and without even looking at me say:

“I have to speak to you Malfoy.”

The way you use my family name always makes me shudder. You never stopped calling me that, not even during making lo-… fucking. I slowly follow you to one of the empty offices and carefully close the door behind us.

“What the fuck is wrong with you Malfoy?” you hiss behind clenched teeth. “What the hell were you thinking? Staring at me as if I had broken up with you!”

“As if…” I only manage to whisper as hope flares in my heart again. Maybe…

“Well you can’t really break up with someone you never had a relationship with.” you snort, throwing the last year of my life down the drain, just like that. I can feel my heart breaking into a million little pieces in front of you. They materialize as bitter tears and I don’t even have the strength to care.

“Don’t tell me you really thought it was more that just fucking!”

Can’t you see how much you hurt me? I wish I could come up with some witty response and deny the evident truth but finally saying those three little words must have left me unable to hide from you. I can’t do anything but stare into your hard eyes.

I suddenly realize how close you are, and can’t breathe. All I want is to pull you even closer and get lost in the deep ocean of your eyes. But I know I can’t.

And then suddenly you capture my lips in a passionate, hungry kiss, but as I overcome my momentary shock and eagerly respond to the violent invasion, you break away and leave me behind utterly confused and panting breathlessly.