Dr. GrapeNut

Chapter 2

Not far away, a small figure sat behind an enormous desk piled high with multiple copies of every Harry Potter book, including all the clue books and the charity ones JK Rowling wrote, as well as a massive stack of notebooks cross-referencing it all. In her hands she held a three-ring binder emblazoned with A Complete History of World Wide Wank. Fanny Wack had just been notified by LoveBug of the current situation and was none too pleased. She pulled up a chart on her computer listing every known archive and the percentage of wank it had generated. This was her pride and joy. She’d spent years on this and now an upstart called CoqTease was ripping it all out from under her by issuing a Wank Order on her own.

“No, there’s nothing we can do now. CoqTease has issued a world-wide DDM warning, in the hopes of unleashing a world wide wank and there’s nothing we can do to stop it.”

Fanny Wack hit the roof when she heard that and went capslock! on LoveBug. “ONLY I HAVE THAT AUTHORITY!”

“CoqTease overrode your authority and issued the wank order on her own.” LoveBug struggled to hold back a grin when Fanny Wack responded only with a frown emoticon. “You approved of this, Fanny Wack. You issued the guidelines that allow a subordinate to issue a general wank order if there is reason to believe that the chain of command has been breached and a particularly horrific fic threatens the integrity of the fandom as a whole. And, well, you haven’t been online for sometime now, Fanny. The DDM plan was put into effect. Everything is in place and the wank order cannot be recalled without the correct incantation and only CoqTease knows it. We’re working our way through every incantation listed in the Lexicon, but that could take hours, substantially longer if it turns out the incantation is case-sensitive.”

Fanny Wack sighed in the realisation that the unthinkable had indeed occurred. All the safeguards put in place to limit wank wars had led to a new one. The irony of this was completely lost on Fanny Wack, however. She was annoyed at an underling usurping her power and prerogatives. She read over a transcript of CoqTease’s last sermon just before issuing the worldwide DDM order, shaking her head at the sheer chutzpah of it all. She wondered about the reference to the purity and sanctity of the ship.

“Word warriors all around the globe are now flaming the wicked perpetrator of The Fic. I suggest all of you join with us in this sacred and holy endeavour to safeguard our precious fics. We must hold together on this one or we may find ourselves the object of derision in a fuchsia fowl essay or Merlin forbid, rate a page of poorly written wank at Wikipedia. We must rise together. My F-List buddies will have already laid the foundation for the biggest bout of fandom wank ever seen. This will be on a scale hitherto only dreamed about and sure as hell, nothing will stop it now. So jump on the good ship with us. There is no other choice. Merlin willing we will see this through to the triumphant end and the purity and subtle beauty of the ship will be safeguarded for future generations.”

“She’s an absolute fruitcake!” Fanny Wack muttered under her breath. “I bet she hasn’t even read the fic in question!” Fanny Wack hadn’t read it either, but such trivialities never mattered much in the past and wouldn’t now, either. After all, wank is wank and this was wank war. “LoveBug, I thought we screened all members before promoting them to positions of power within the fandom? Are we checking member profiles at the moment?”

“Of course, only those strongly recommended by at least three members in good standing are even allowed to be considered.”

“Then how did CoqTease slip in there? She’s threatening the very existence of our fandom with this mindless wank!”

“Well, I wouldn’t go that far, Fanny Wack. I mean, we still don’t know the extent of the fic or how many archives may have accepted it. Granted there’s nothing we can do about the unmoderated sites, but we still have sway over a wide part of the fandom. Let’s wait and see what happens once we know more. I don’t think anyone would condemn the whole ship based on one instance of wank no matter how massive.” In the midst of this discussion, LoveBug received an IM. “Oh, gotta take this message in the other window, Fanny! I’ll be right back.”

“Hey LoveBug, you ready for the smut session?” Streaker always looked forward to these online sessions of back and forth smut, all done under the guise of plotting a joint fic.

“Not tonight, sweetie. I have a headache…what with all the wank, you know. You understand right?”

“You do still care about our smut-fest fic, don’t you?”

“Of course, I do, Streaker! How could you doubt me? You know I live for your smut.”

“So why haven’t we got together and finished this off?”

“We will, I promise! We’ll be the next big thing to hit the fandom, a real collaborative effort. I’ll even let you have top billing, but right now Fanny Wack needs me. I’ll IM you as soon as I can, all right. If you write any Lucius scenes tonight, write me into them, all right? Thanks!”

LoveBug took a moment to cool down after the brief thought of appearing in a steamy one-shot with Lucius. She then reiterated her belief that the fandom would defend itself from all attacks. A message from one of the online spies came through. She was certain that someone somewhere in cyberspace could get in touch with the instigator, set up a chat session between CoqTease and Fanny Wack, and learn the secret recall incantation.
LoveBug quickly butted in, “I think it’s too late already. I mean, given the hour and the time differences involved I think any realistic chance of a recall pretty much went out the window some time ago. Besides, I’ve seen some of the rousing speeches issued by CoqTease at the Viper Pit and I think once readers get a wind of it, if they haven’t already, they’re gonna go ape-shit over this! They’ll go at this like a starving hippogriff after the last ferret. We can annihilate this fic! I think we should back up CoqTease on this one before the Squee Seeker and the hangers-on can get a foothold on our turf.” She let these words sink in. The screen stayed blank but for her own words. She felt the emotion rise and began her own speech. “In fact, I think if we act immediately we can head them off and beat them at their own game. Maybe we could even launch parody fics just to show how bad it really is, even though that may squick those of fainter heart. According to estimates, we already outnumber them and so a pre-emptive strike works to our advantage. Besides, we have dozens of experienced wank-mongers at our disposal. I’m certain we could completely discredit this threat and come out ahead with only marginal, if even that, wank damage to our own fics.” LoveBug finally stopped typing and smiled at the screen. She was proud of her stance and aggressive approach to this latest epic wank war.

"It is our avowed policy never to fire the first volley in a wank war." Fanny Wack would not be swayed in her opinion that the attack had to be called off. “We need to find alternatives here. Perhaps offer some constructive criticism, write our own guides to fanfic writing, do something positive.”

LoveBug couldn’t believe the words flashing across her screen. Before thinking she fired off a quick reply. “I think CoqTease has already invalidated that policy!”

Fanny Wack railed back, “That was not an officially sanctioned fandom wide directive and we still have options left to us. I still think we should go with real constructive criticism handled in a mature and sensitive manner.” She was not about to let any upstarts try to pussy-whip her. She’d worked too hard to get where she was and wouldn’t let it all slip away like sands through the hourglass.

LoveBug offered an impossible choice. “Look, it comes down to this. We either strike with CoqTease or we strike without CoqTease. Fanny Wack, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth...Now, truth is not always a pleasant thing, but it is necessary now to make a choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable but nevertheless, distinguishable post-fic environments. One, where you end up with 200 people deeply offended by the wank, and the other where you end up with 150 million people squicked by the fic.” In the face of universal outrage and mass wank, LoveBug firmly held to her belief that submitting to such fics by allowing them to enter the ranks of fanon was tantamount to a night with an impotent Severus. That was a fate worse than being written into Weasley smut.

Fanny Wack, however, refused and rebuffed everything LoveBug wrote. “I will not go down in history as the biggest wank instigator since PtQ lovers and haters railed at each other for years.”

LoveBug fired back, “Perhaps, sweet cheeks, it might be better if you took more of an interest in protecting the fandom rather than worrying about your image within it.”

Fanny Wack, however, had other ideas. “Do any of you sugarplums know who wrote this fic? Maybe if I can talk to her, we could settle this like mature and responsible adults…off-list.” She watched with interest as one of her eyes and ears in the field typed out a name. “All right, splendid. Put me in touch with this Asphodellyn Wormwood as soon as possible. Send her an invitation to our private chat!”

“We can’t let non-members into our private forum! She’ll see The List!” LoveBug couldn’t believe that Fanny Wack would ever allow hostile outsiders inside the sacred and hallowed folders of their personal forum.

At that very moment, Buzzkill was looking over her survival files. She intended to upload them to her personal site that very evening in preparation for the latest wank war, possibly only hours away.

-One link to a reputable and highly-recommended British/American dictionary
-One link to the Lexicon
-One link to a new site detailing everything that the Lexicon got wrong
-Fifteen links to particularly enjoyable mass wanks of the past
-One link to a random wank generator

Buzzkill smiled. She’d had loads of fun since discovering that random wank generator. All you needed to do was enter in the author’s name and the title of the fic in question. The generator did the rest. This made it very easy to write up lengthy bits of wank and have the time to cross-post all over the fandom, even the occasional cross-link in other fandoms just to stir up more wank. ‘Life is good’, she mused to herself.

Ding! Fanny Wack checked her screen, a small smile crawling over her features. “It’s someone who goes by the name Widgy, claims to be a good buddy of Asphodellyn Wormwood. I’m gonna clear her to enter, ladies!”

Widgy signed in quickly, issued a terse greeting to all present and then posted a list of two hundred names of validated writers who had either left positive reviews or sent encouraging e-mails to the author of The Fic. “I think that list speaks for itself, ladies.”

“Hey, you ripped that list off my LJ, didn’t you?” LoveBug was incensed. “I recognize those names.”

“Of course you do, they’re all upstanding long-time members of the fandom…and…each one… of… them has come down in favour of this fic.”

“If the author is so confident about it, then where is she?” LoveBug was in no mood for this. She wanted first-rate wank, not second-hand.

“She’ll be online within the hour. She is, after all, only human and does have a life outside the fandom, as hard as that may be for some people to believe.”

LoveBug suddenly fired off, “You wrote ‘Dungeon Degenerate’, didn’t you! I knew your name sounded familiar. You perverted sicko!”

“Ladies, there will be no wank in Wank Headquarters! Do I make myself clear?” Fanny Wack wanted to stay in control of this situation, though things seemed to be hurtling forward at an alarming rate. She was beginning to think that nothing less than a major miracle would alleviate the situation. She kept that thought to herself, however.

Meanwhile, in the vast expanse of cyberspace fanfic readers the world over were logging into their favourite sites, clicking on links and IM’ing buddies with comments as they began to look over The Fic. They believed all that their forum leaders had posted about the fic and curiously began poking around the various comments being frantically cross-posted across the fandom. A few even clicked on to the fic in question. “You know, parts of this fic are actually really good!” “The author probably cut/pasted those bits from a reputable writer! I read that on LJ somewhere, I think.” “The nerve of some people. Well, I hope she gets what’s coming to her!” “So, who’s your favourite on Idol this season?” The Wank War was beginning as new fans began posting in response to other posts. Many of these posts were rapidly degenerating into personal flames against other posters, rather than the fic itself or even the author. The fact remained that most of those posting had not read the fic in its entirety, if at all. Yet, everyone had an opinion and wanted it voiced on every conceivable forum at once.

LoveBug, Fanny Wack and Widgy watched as the storm surge of posts began upping comment counts everywhere. Finally, a ray of hope dawned amid the growing insanity. Fanny Wack had made contact with the writer of The Fic, Asphodellyn Wormwood. The moment of happiness upon making contact proved to be quite fleeting. There were important matters to discuss, urgent matters that could not be postponed.

“It’s nice to see you, Asphodellyn Wormwood. Yeah, yeah, we have a lot to discuss.” The screen name disappeared. “Wait! We haven’t even started yet! Damn! She left already.”

“Maybe she just got splinched,” LoveBug offered. “You know that happens all the time.”

“Yeah, maybe, but I...OH...there she is. Asphodellyn! Welcome back.” The conversation resumed, but privately so that only Fanny Wack was privy to what Asphodellyn had to say. “Yeah, it’s good to see you, too. Oh, you read that? I’m flattered. I like your work, too. What have I read? Well, er, I…uh…I’ve heard some good things about your latest fic and well, strangely enough, that’s why we need to talk today.”

“Anyhoo, you know all the groups talk about the dangers of wank and that the possibility, however remote, is always there for wank to get out of hand? Yes, wank…you know what I mean…yeah, I agree some places inspire more wank than others…yes, yes absolutely. We do need to be in control of the wank and not the other way around.”

LoveBug checked the other window and noticed that the post counts, all bearing the same header, were already going through the roof. ‘There’s nothing they can do now’, she thought. ‘But who am I to not let them enjoy their own brand of wank?’

“Yeah, yeah, I know. But the thing is that some of my buddies have sort of taken things into their own hands and well, they…hmmm…there’s no easy way to put this, so I’ll just have to come right out and say it bluntly, so please don’t take it personally, ok? They have launched a Wank War against your fic!”

“Well, how do you think I feel Asphodellyn? Why else would I have spent ages trying to get in touch with you? Do you think I’m after one-on-one wank? This is a friendly chat and I wanted to give you a heads-up on what’s happening so you’re not broadsided by an inbox full of hate mail. I thought maybe I could give you a list of reviewers whose opinions really aren’t worth a dead flobberworm, if you get my drift. I tell you what, how about this idea? If we can’t call off the Wank War, I’ll post a retraction on your site, but I’ll need a link. What do you mean you don’t have a link? It’s your site!”

“Well, just let me say I’m sorry this ever happened. In fact, I may even be sorrier than you that any of this happened. Don’t contradict me or compare me to Sirius! You don’t know how I feel. All right. We’re both pretty sorry. Yes, pathetic, too. We’re both pathetically sorry. Does that make you feel better?”

Widgy switched briefly to another window to accept an IM. She gasped in horror. “The fools! The fools! They’ve branded the fic the Doomsday Fic! A fic that will destroy the fandom as we know it.”