Hogwarts & The Sex-Ed Teacher

Chapter One: “I believe in the sun even though it is slow in rising. I believe in you without realising.” -- Unknown


“Lemon Sherbet?” Offered Dumbledore. Snape glared “Are you actually listening to anything that I said, at all what so ever? There are spies everywhere and when you know who puts his mind to a thing neither hell nor high water will stop him. There is at least one unknown insider here in the no longer existing safety of Hogwarts. It just is not safe” his voice bordering on hysteria.

“Sooooo you wouldn’t like a lemon drop then??” twinkled the old man. Snape looked at him the type of look reserved for first years and Harry Potter any year then enunciated carefully “You. Dumbledore. Are. In. Danger.” Punctuating each word with a snarl.

Dumbledore nodded sagely and smiled over his half glasses and winked “You worry too much Severus. Have a Lemon Drop.”

Snape did a classic double take “No more of this I know you don’t know bull just call in from what ever planet you are currently orbiting and give me a straight answer.” Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. “Please” Severus spat out.

Dumbledore looked him fairly in the eye “Who am I?” Snape stared the old man has finally lost it, his last brain cell had shuffled off its mortal coil and gone to meet the choir eternal. **No correspondence will be entered into the judges decision is final and binding** Snape was about ready to pop a blood vessel “WHAT!!!!!!”

Dumbledore smiled then did something un-Dumbledore-ish he took off his spectacles and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Replacing his glasses he gazed at Snape and promptly burst into total hysterics. Fawkes fluffed his feathers and fluttered over to Snape in what seemed like total contempt for the old mans behaviour.

Snape absently stroked Fawkes’ feathers and muttered “Don’t worry Fawkes, I’ll take care of you” Which just made the old man laugh so much harder.

Preoccupied with the sight before him Snape didn’t instantly notice that someone else had entered the room. Fawkes however did and promptly flew over to the new visitor. The phoenixes warble snapped Snape out of his trance.

Two Dumbledores!!!! Like watching a tennis match Snape looked back and forth between them until the one behind the desk couldn’t cope any more and promptly fell off the chair in peels of laughter to vanish from sight but not, alas, from hearing.

The Dumbledore with the phoenix smiled sagely at Snape “I feel I must apologise for my daughters behaviour, it seems she is not quite herself to day” he chuckled.

The laughter emanating from behind the desk became musical and unmistakably very feminine. Two elegant manicured hands appeared on the tabletop as the most divine creature Snape had ever seen levered herself to her feet. Still dressed in Dumbledore like robes she smiled at him whilst he did his “I’m a fish” impersonation.

The robes hid her figure but she was definitely everything that Dumbledore wasn’t which was a relief when Snape realised just how much of an effect she was having.

Dumbledore walked across the room to lay a gentle kiss on his daughters’ cheek. Sitting comfortably behind his desk he gazed at Snape over his glasses. His daughter had transfigured her robes into suitable, and unfortunately for Snape, subsequently more revealing attire.

“Sable went to school here many moons ago. You may be interested to know she was sorted into Slytherin.” She stood leaning against the Headmasters desk appropriately dressed in Slytherin colours. In a floor length, emerald velvet gown with a silver shift peeking at the neck and through the sleeves complete with silver highlight embroidery at neck, waist and wrist she was divinity itself.

She observed the Potions Master with interest. **So this is the Slytherin Sex God** When he seemed stuck in fish mode she took matters into her own hands and glided across the room to him. Before he could compose himself she leant down to cup his face in her hands kissing him long and soundly. Dumbledore chuckled.

As if he had been caught with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar Snape leapt away and flew across the room to the safety and seclusion of a different chair folding his robes around himself he tried to conceal that which he surmised she was aware of. Desperately hoping Dumbledore didn’t suspect.

Drawing on his fine command of the English language Snape said nothing. Instead he gripped the arms of the chair like grim death until his knuckles went white from the effort and glared holes in the floor.

“Tea” Dumbledore offered him a cup, which he automatically accepted. “Silly me I haven’t introduced you” Snape lifted his head his looked scowled volumes. Dumbledore ignored it and continued “Sable this is our esteemed Potions Master Professor Severus Snape and Professor this is my charming daughter Sable”

**’Charming’ not the word he would use. Debauched, a wet dream on legs maybe but charming? Only in the same way that a werewolf is a cute harmless puppy dog**

“Dumbledore there are pressing problems” Dumbledore and Sable each raised an eyebrow and gazed at him levelly. Snape mentally cursed himself for the English fondness of double entendres and tried again. “I have a very important point. . .”**kick try again** “I came here. . .” **kick kick kick** “Look you are making this hard” **kick kick kick Ugh! ** “Albus, What. . .”

Sables’ sweet voice chimed across his mental path “I look forward to working alongside you this year.” Sable glided across the room and alighted beside Dumbledore where she absently amused herself braiding his hair.

Severus was stuck in dead fish mode (eyes glazed but no lip flapping this time) just watching her every graceful move. Her hair was midnight blue it shone with glittering rainbow hues and swept to her knees her eyes were an intense two tone of lavender brilliance with a blue sparkle that she must have inherited from Dumbledore. Her perfect creamy skin had an exotic golden shimmer.

She tipped her head and a curtain of hair fell forward so she that had to glance at Severus from behind an ethereal veil. They were spellbound although neither would ever admit it. He was enticing with his obsidian eyes filled with dark and dangerous promise and that marvellous seductive voice of crushed velvet that she wanted to wrap herself in. Then there were those rumours about noses and well . . . !!! **Get thee behind me Satan, and push**

“Severus” Dumbledore gazed over his glasses as Snape feigned nonchalant “Sable is Sidhe. She is eighth in line to the Unseelie Throne” she made a face at the revelation but kept braiding. “As you are aware we are constantly trying to reign in teenage and prepubescent hormones and the yearly inundation of rampant pheromones that find every nook and cranny Hogwarts has to offer to canoodle in. We have installed curfews, which are blatantly disregarded, and any attempts at patrolling the myriad that is Hogwarts takes far too much of our valuable time when the war is imminent and our attentions are best focused elsewhere.”

“I have had much discussion with Hogwarts and it has agreed to communicate with her. She has in turn accepted the uniqueness of these circumstances. The Sidhe natural acceptance of all matters sexual and understanding approach to makes her a natural for the role of a teacher of Sex Education.”

**Oh Good One Dumbledore just what they need encouragement. I’ll be teaching the cauldron chaos of the next generation of Longbottoms before you can say ‘Run For Your Life’** Severus fought to maintain a neutral face with overtones of indifference.

“Now I know you may not think this a great idea” predicted Dumbledore “I would almost believe that you enjoy your patrols.” Severus narrowed his gaze “I trust you will assist Sable where ever possible. Your combined talents may prove beneficial.” ** Grrrrr Next he is going to ask me to hold their bloody hands for them. Can I Go Now???** Dumbledore continued to rattle on about Merlin only knows what and all the while Severus felt Sable caressing him with her eyes.

Stories told to Muggles are that the Unseelie court was where the baddies hung out. The bogey man, demons, devils and general mutations of a not so nice nature but in reality the Unseelie were the more compassionate of the two courts. They took in all of the rejects the warped unwanted and unloved then embraced them as family, every creature that was magical regardless of race or creed.

Genetic monsters were common in the Seelie Court, courtesy of their xenophobic attitudes and inbreeding. Such creatures were dispensed with quickly as Seelie were dreadfully self absorbed and petty. Blessed by unprecedented loveliness they would occasionally but very rarely take lovers amongst the ultra talented and ultra beautiful witches and wizards. Any offspring though were not welcomed into their fold. Their attitude towards purity was even more conceited than the pure bloodlines of the wizarding world. Severus always thought that Lucius Malfroy had Seelie blood it would answer a lot.

Dumbledore was rambling about something or another which Snape missed entirely until he said “Defence Against The Dark Arts for this year” Snape quickly pieced the bits together and came up with “WHAT”

“Now that I have your attention again Severus what did you want to tell me?” **Auuuuugh !!! kick, kick, kick.**


References this Chapter:
Sidhe, Unseelie & Seelie http://www.pantheon.org/mythica.html