Relationships are Complicated!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or places etc. they all belong to J.K. Rowling and her people. I just borrow them and do not profit. Lyrics are from the song Epiphany, by Staind.

Draco POV

Chapter Two: Epiphany

~You’re words to me just a whisper
You’re face is so unclear
I try to pay attention
Your words just disappear~

I’m lying in my bed, awake, having just kicked out Theodore Nott. He was a good lay, but nothing compared to him… to Harry. Harry’s skin is softer, his moans quieter and his touch sets off more tingles across my skin than I ever thought possible. Damn, what is he doing to me?

I could never express how happy I was, when I returned to my room yesterday to find him standing there. Usually, I’m the one who asks him up here, gives him a time. He’s never come to me before. I was so surprised, I couldn’t say anything, and I just stood there looking at him, trying to figure out if he was real or not. I was ripped out of my little stupor when he said he was going, I couldn’t let him go, no way was he walking out of that door.

Afterwards, I fell asleep with him in my arms. I never cuddle with anyone after sex, except him. He was gone when I awoke this morning. I knew he’d have to be back in his dorm before morning, but it didn’t ease my disappointment of not waking up next to him.

~Cause it’s always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said~

I hate nights like these. When I haven’t seen Harry, my mind tends to wonder to him, rendering me unable to sleep. Everything gets so muddled in my head. There’s a thousand and one things I should say to him, but I never do,

The next morning, Theodore Nott is already telling anyone who will listen about last night. The current listeners are Pansy Parkinson and Blasé Zabini.

“Who hasn’t slept with Draco?” Pansy is saying as I walk up behind them.

“”You,” I answer. She is always trying to give the impression she had slept with me, though by now most people know she lacks the correct equipment.

I glance towards the Gryffindor table, while taking a seat next to Pansy. He’s staring right back at me, our eyes lock and I hold his gaze for a moment. Sending him a small smile, I quickly tare my eyes away.

~So I speak to you in riddles
‘Cause my words get in my way.
I smoke the whole thing to my head
And I feel it wash away
‘Cause I can’t take anymore of this
I want to come apart
Or dig myself a little hole
Inside your precious heart~

Why did I do that this morning? I smiled at him, even if was only a small smile, it was still a smile. He’s now working on his potion at the table across the room from mine. He hasn’t looked at me all lesson. I need to see him tonight. I rip off the corner of a piece of parchment, write a time on it, and fold it in half.

I wait for him to head to the cupboard for extra ingredients for his and Weasley’s potion. I smack into him, banging my shoulder into his, as I discreetly slip the note into his pocket.

“Watch were you’re walking, Potter,” I snap at him. I have to keep up appearances. He’s giving me the look, the same one he uses every time I call him Potter. A mixture of hurt and sadness in emerald eyes that were meant to carry love and happiness. I feel my chest ache, as it does every time he looks at me like that. I, however, ignore it; I refuse to let him get to me. He’s a good shag and nothing more. And maybe if I keep telling myself that, I’ll actually start to believe it.

~@~

I put in the note for him to come at 11pm and it’s now 10:55. This is always the worst part of the evening, when I sit and wonder if he will actually show up. Anyone else I wouldn’t care about, it would be their loss if they didn’t show up, but were Harry’s concerned, if he doesn’t show up then it’s my loss, not his.

The clock has just flicked 11:00 and he isn’t here, he’s always on time. I can’t explain the feeling I have right now. Stupid bloody Harry Potter. Invoking all these stupid new feeling inside me that I can’t cope with. That I don’t want. I want to go back to being the old Draco Malfoy, the one who doesn’t have stupid, irrational feelings for a boy with untidy brown hair and glistening green eyes and beautifully tanned skin. Damn him! I hate him. Hate him, hate him, HATE HIM!

*Knock. Knock. Knock*

Shit, he’s here. I look at my clock, 11:02.

“Come in,” I call, trying to keep all the emotion out of my voice.

He walks through the door and suddenly all that hate I felt a second ago is gone, washed away by his very presence.

“Hi,” I breathe. I should shout at him for being late, for making me feel that… that disappointment, but I don’t. I walk towards him and I lower my face to his.

“Malfoy, we need to talk,” he says, before my lips fully descend on his. I pull back. This can’t be good. He called me Malfoy; he always calls me Draco when we are alone. I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to talk, I just want to feel him, feel his skin on mine.

“What do you want to talk about?” I finally ask, even though, I fear I already know the answer.

“Us,” he says, looking directly at me.

“Us?” I question. “There isn’t an us, Harry. There’s just… this,” I can’t help but feel sad about my own statement. Even though it’s true.

“And what exactly is this, Draco?” I don’t know and I don’t bloody care, why’s he doing this?

“Does it matter what this is? All that matters is that it feels good,” I can’t deal with this right now. I don’t want to analyse what him and me have, I just know I don’t want it to end.

I look at him; he seems all vulnerable and innocent. I lean in and gently place my lips against his. I feel my chest tighten as he starts to move his lips against mine. His hands glide around my waist as he pulls me closer to him, our kiss still slow, passionate. It isn’t rushed and fierce, like the kisses I share with the others, but like there’s something more… more than just pure want.

I make love to him then, there are no other words for it. Slow thrusts and long kisses that make me want to crawl inside of him, because no matter how much I try, I’m just not close enough.

~Cause it’s always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said~

I’m led here now with his head resting on my chest, my hand gently playing with his hair. He’s not asleep, but tracing his fingers softly over my stomach, leaving a burning, tingling sensation in their wake. It feels so right to be just holding him. Why don’t I feel like this with anybody else? Why him? Why is he constantly on my mind?

I think I know what this feeling is. I don’t want to admit it, but I do know what it is. I also know that he’s right, we do need to talk. I know what he wants. The question is; can I give it to him?

~I am nothing more than
A little boy inside
That cries out for attention
Yet I always try to hide~

I’m scared. That’s a hard thing for me to admit, even to myself. I’m scared that I’ll loose him, because of the others I bring to my bed. It’s not even the sex, or their company, that I crave; it’s the attention it brings. I enjoy the sex, of course, but it’s nothing compared to having Harry in my arms.

I’m scared that if I let my mask completely down for Harry, he won’t like what he sees. Everyone else sees the Malfoy front, cold, sneering and uncaring. That’s not who I really am though, it’s just who my father makes me be.

Most of all, I’m scared that I’ll hurt him. I don’t think I could live with myself if I did. Plus, I’d be giving him a lot of power over me; he’d have the ability to destroy me. Only problem is, I think he already has it.

~Cause I talk to you like children
Though I don’t now how I feel
But I know I’ll do the right thing
If the right thing is revealed~

I wish things in my head would stop going around in circles, it’s making me dizzy. Maybe, if I’m honest with myself, it will stop. So here goes.

I, Draco Malfoy, am in love with Harry James Potter.

There I thought it. Now all I have to do is say it, that’s the hard part. Oh, this is stupid! I can’t say three silly little words to him. I love you. It’s not hard.

“Harry?”

“Yes?” he looks up at me. Merlin, his eyes are beautiful, they look so young considering everything he’s been through.

“Nothing,” damn! Why can’t I say it, or at least listen to what he has to say? He obviously had something to say when he got here.

“Harry?” I repeat.

“Yes?” he looks up at me again, resting his chin over my heart.

“This thing we have, even though I don’t know what it is exactly, I know I’ve never had it before and I know I don’t want it to end,” well that was a bit more soul baring than I thought it would be.

“I don’t want it to end either. I want it progress, be something more,” he replies.

More? He wants more. He wants a real relationship. Probably with dates and handholding and goodbye kisses and coming out to everybody, and the stupid thing is, I think I want that too. I don’t really know how to be in a real relationship though, it’s something I’ve never had… never wanted, before now.

I run my fingers through his soft raven coloured hair, caressing the skin on the back of his neck.

I sigh, “I want to give you more, but I’m not entirely sure if I can.” There’s something in his eyes, it looks like a spark of hope.

“How do you know you can’t if you’ve never tried?” he asks.

“And what if I try and fail? I don’t want you to get hurt,” I can’t believe I just said that. Well what’s done is done, even if that did just make me more vulnerable.

“Draco, I’m already hurting. Every time I hear about you being with someone else, I hurt.”

Well, wasn’t that just a kick in the stomach? I’m hurting him. The thing I was most scared of, I’m already doing.

“What do I have to do to make you stop hurting?” I ask. Was that even my voice? It sounded so small.

“Just love me,” he replies. He’s wrong. I already love him and he’s still hurting. The stupid thing is I still don’t think I can tell him.

“I never let them stay. With the others, it’s just sex, nothing more. When I’m with you, it’s… different, power and pure. I can give them up in a heartbeat, as long as I’ve got you.”

The look on his face is phenomenal. I never want that happiness to leave those green eyes, but more importantly, I always want to be the one causing it.

Deep breath, here goes nothing, “I love you, Harry.” There I said it and what do you know, the world hasn’t ended.

He looks close to tears, “I love you too.” I smile. I can’t tell you how good it feels to hear that from his lips.

I pull him up to me and crash my lips to his, to my Harry’s. I just hope Weasley and Granger don’t kill me, or worse castrate me, when they find out.

~’Cause it’s always raining in my head
Forget all the things I should have said.~