What Might Be Done

Chapter 2: Loose Wandering Fire
In which our hero meets with a mad old man who sets the waves crashing.

An old man with his feet before the fire,
In robes of green, in garments of adieu.
A man faced with his own immensity
Wakes all the waves, all their loose wandering fire.
–- Theodore Roethke: The Far Field

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Snape walked gingerly across the Persian carpet, only vaguely aware of the dark red stain that marred its glorious surface. The creak of his chamber door opening made him wince, as did the first clack of his boot heel on the stone surface of the dungeon corridor. He briefly debated going back and exchanging his boots for his carpet slippers, which would make much less noise when walking, but getting dressed the first time had been an exercise in pain and frustration. Damn Albus and his Creme de Menthe! It would be justice if Snape refused to visit him.

Placing his feet silently and precisely, he walked with measured pace through the hallway and proceeded up the stairway, each cautious step sending a wicked jolt through his head. He grimaced with displeasure when he saw a student ascending the stairway ahead of him. A sound as gentle as a large Chinese gong assaulted his ears.

\"Hey, Hannah! Wait!\" Ernie Macmillan boomed from somewhere below Snape.

Snape whirled, causing his brain to slosh in his skull. \"Ten points from Hufflepuff, Macmillan,\" Snape growled through clenched teeth.

\"What did I...?\"

Ernie\'s shocked question was interrupted by Hannah Abbott\'s eye-piercing screech, \"Hurry up, Ernie. Everybody else has already left for Hogsmeade. We\'ll miss all the fun.\"

Snape stupidly whirled again, beetle-black eyes glaring at Abbott. \"An additional ten points from Hufflepuff.\"

\"That\'s twenty points! Professor, we\'re in Hufflepuff.\" Macmillan protested.

\"Ten more points for arguing with a teacher. And another five for wasting my time stating the obvious! Did I not just say Hufflepuff?\" Taking 35 points rather than using an Unforgivable seemed more than reasonable to Snape and he congratulated himself on his saintlike forbearance.

The heels of Hannah\'s shoes clattered abominably as she scurried pell-mell down the staircase to join her compatriot.

\"Twenty more points for creating an infernal racket when I have a headache!\" Snape screamed and then winced, his head sinking between his shoulder blades, his chin colliding with his collarbone forcing his jaw to snap shut.

\"But Professor Snape! Hufflepuff hasn\'t lost any points all year! We were on our way to a school record!\"

Snape wondered how he had ever failed to noticed the similarity between Hannah Abbott\'s voice and fingernails across a blackboard.

\"Apparently,\" Snape hissed, \"you have missed your chance for the record books! Perhaps in future you\'ll think twice before screeching like banshees. This is a school, you pathetic dolts, not a Weird Sisters\' concert. Now begone before I reconsider my generosity!\" Although his voice was barely audible there was no mistaking the menace in it.

\"But it\'s Satur –\" Macmillan began.

\"Ernie, shut up,\" Hannah whispered frantically, clutching at his sleeve and dragging her classmate up the stairs. When they reached the top of the staircase, they risked a frightened look back at Snape, who was standing where they had left him, clutching his head.

Not for the first time that morning Snape cursed himself silently for drinking too much; not having Pepper-Up Potion handy; and spilling all his Floo powder. Although perhaps the last was a blessing in disguise; he wasn\'t sure his stomach could withstand the whirlwind journey from his rooms to the infirmary. Looking around cautiously, he determined there were no more students lurking about. Thank the Lord it was a Hogsmeade weekend.

He thought he owed the saints another round of gratitude when Madame Pomfrey -- with her disgustingly robust voice -- was nowhere in sight. He virtually tiptoed through the empty ward to the private room the Headmaster would be occupying. The worry he had been subconsciously nurturing was somewhat relieved when he saw Albus sitting up in a chair, toasting his wool sock clad feet in front of the fire. The room\'s other occupant made him want to bolt back to his nice quiet dungeon.

\"Severus, you look like death on a crumpet,\" Minerva McGonagall\'s voice sliced painfully through Snape\'s occiput.

\"Thank you, Minerva.\" Snape\'s voice was weak. \"You look charming as usual.\" He valiantly tried to ignore the multi-coloured floating worms that assaulted his eyes as he looked at the tartan scarf entwined around her neck.

\"A little too much birthday celebration?\"

\"Minerva, please. Lower your voice just a notch. We are, after all, in the infirmary. I\'m sure it doesn\'t do Albus any good to have you bellowing in his ear.\"

McGonagall laughed heartily. \"Shall I call Poppy, Severus? I\'m sure she has some Pepper-Up around here somewhere.\"

\"No, thank you. I\'m sure I\'ll be fine momentarily.\"

\"Many happy returns, Severus.\" Albus said, his voice quavering slightly. \"I\'m sorry I wasn\'t able to give you my regards earlier. I\'ve been a bit indisposed. Minerva\'s correct. You do look like hell, my dear boy.\"

\"And you, Albus, look ridiculous.\" His eyes swept in disgust over the balloon-patterned pyjamas that covered the Headmaster\'s thin frame.

\"Aren\'t they marvellous? Poppy\'s latest acquisition. They certainly cheer things up around here. Depressing places, infirmaries.\"

\"Albus, please. You\'re not well. You shouldn\'t be talking so loudly.\"

Dumbledore laughed wheezily. \"I was under the impression Poppy had forbidden you to drink, Severus? Really, you should pay more attention. She knows what she\'s doing.\"

\"She knows how to interfere, you mean.\"

\"Don\'t be that way. Truly, she only wants what\'s best for everybody. Are you sure you wouldn\'t like Minerva to ask her for something for your head?\"

Snape snorted derisively.

\"Well, suffer if you must. How was your birthday, my friend?\"

\"I\'m sure you two want a nice quiet chat,\" Minerva said loudly, her eyes gleaming with mischief as Snape winced again. \"I\'ll just leave you alone, shall I?\" She stood and thumped Severus on the back. \"Many happy returns, Severus. Come see me when you have a moment. I\'ve got an unopened bottle of that Muggle whisky you\'re so fond of.\"

Snape\'s stomach roiled and he cautiously shook his head.

\"Are you sure? No hair of the dog? Very well. Perhaps when you\'re feeling better.\"

\"Keep it to a dull roar, will you? And thank you, Minerva. At the moment, I\'m firmly resolved never to drink again. Should things change, I\'ll look you up.\"

\"Do that, Severus. I\'ll look forward to it. Albus, don\'t let him tire you out. It was a very near thing last night.\"

\"Thank you, my dear.\" Dumbledore smiled at her fondly. \"I promise to sleep like a baby as soon as Severus and I have had a chance to speak. Very kind of you to stand watch.\"

\"I had to make sure the worst was over, didn\'t I? Good morning, both of you. Albus, I\'ll check on you this afternoon, shall I?\"

\"Indeed, Minerva. Another visit would be most welcome, although I hope Poppy will let me return to my chambers. You\'re welcome to see me there.\"

\"Severus, if you change your mind about the hair of that dog...\" She grinned evilly as Snape clutched his head, and then swept magisterially out of the room.

\"Damn that woman. She\'s got a wicked streak to rival a Death Eater.\"

\"Tsk, tsk, Severus. She was merely teasing you. So, come my boy, tell me about the last two weeks. I\'m most sorry I was away when you were brought in. What exactly happened?\"

\"I\'m sure Poppy gave you the gruesome details.\"

\"She didn\'t really have the opportunity to do more than give me a sketch. I\'m afraid I was hiding in my rooms, not wanting anybody to know how ill I felt.\"

\"How are you, Albus? Poppy suggested you might be dying.\"

\"I\'m old, Severus, and I\'m tired, but I\'m not quite ready to go yet. I\'ve much to do before I depart this world. We\'ll have opportunity to talk about that later. Tell me, what happened when Voldemort summoned you?\"

Snape angled his chair so he could speak to Dumbledore straight on and ease the pressure on his neck.

\"The Dark Lord was in one of his moods.\"

\"Come, Severus, surely it\'s time for you to learn to say his name?\"

\"Don\'t, Albus. My life is hard enough without someday accidentally slipping and addressing him by name.\"

\"Perhaps you\'re right. I\'m sorry. Continue.\"

\"As I was saying, he was in one of his moods. He seems to have regained his full power and he was intent on proving it.\"

\"I suppose it was to be expected. It is rather sooner than I\'d hoped. I\'m afraid to ask.\"

\"He had a birthday present for me.\"

\"Oh, Severus, no.\"

\"I\'m not sure this is the best topic right now, Albus. You\'re tired and unwell, and it\'s not a pleasant tale.\"

\"Severus! Good to see you again so soon.\" Pomfrey gave him a hard look. \"I thought I told you not to drink? Severus Snape, you are the most difficult, recalcitrant, stubborn –-\"

\"Hush, woman! I\'m a grown man, not one of your puling students. I will not be spoken to that way.\"

Pomfrey huffed and turned her attention to Dumbledore. \"How are you feeling, Albus? Not being worn out by all these visitors?\"

\"I\'m feeling much better, Poppy. Good enough to leave the infirmary today, I think.\"

\"Hmm. We\'ll see about that. Don\'t let Severus tire you out. You need your sleep. It was a very near thing last night.\"

\"So everyone keeps informing me. Poppy, be good enough to fetch Severus some Pepper-Up. He insists he doesn\'t need it, but I think just this once we should over ride his recalcitrance.\"

Pomfrey looked Snape up and down appraisingly. \"You do look quite the worse for wear. I\'ll be right back.\"

\"I\'m fine. It\'s just a headache. I\'m sure it will pass.\"

‘Yes, eventually. Still, no reason not to feel better sooner rather than later. I don\'t want you back here as a patient. You\'re not a good one, you know.\" She bustled out of the room.

Severus sat back in his chair and glared at Albus without speaking.

\"Don\'t be such a child, Severus. We must talk and it will be easier if you don\'t have to clutch your head every thirty seconds.\"

Snape didn\'t deign to respond but when Pomfrey reappeared with a blue bottle he drank it down, shaking his head irritably as smoke billowed out of his ears.

\"Thank you, Poppy,\" he said grudgingly. \"That helped.\"

\"I probably should have let you suffer, Severus Snape. After I told you no drinking --\"

\"Poppy, please,\" Albus interrupted gently, \"I need some time to speak with Severus. The sooner we finish our conversation, the sooner I can take a nap.\"

Pomfrey harrumphed. \"Very well. Thirty minutes, not a moment longer, Severus. The Headmaster needs his rest. He\'s very ill.\"

\"Poppy, please,\" Dumbledore begged.

\"Fine, I\'ll be back in thirty minutes to usher you out if you\'re not gone already.\" She looked sternly at Snape and then her demeanour softened. \"I\'m glad to see you up and around, Severus. You had us all quite worried.\"

\"Thank you, Poppy. I\'m fine now. No need to worry further.\"

Pomfrey swept out of the room and Severus sank back comfortably in his chair.

\"Meddlesome old bat.\"

Dumbledore laughed, still sounding rather wheezy. Snape examined his friend and mentor carefully. It was startling how truly ancient he looked. His flesh, what could be seen of it under bushy eyebrows and flowing beard, was tight against the skull beneath. Dumbledore had none of his usual ruddiness. He looked pale, almost translucent. Snape felt his heart lurch painfully in his chest. Dumbledore was more a father to him than his father had been, and the thought that someday he would be gone made Snape ache.

\"You look like hell, Albus.\"

\"So do you,\" Dumbledore retorted with good humour, \"and I, unlike you, haven\'t had the benefit of Pepper-Up. I\'m worried about you, my friend.\"

\"Truly, I\'m fine, Albus.\"

\"Hmm. Perhaps. Well, where were we? Oh yes, you were telling me about Tom\'s birthday present.\"

Snape sighed and resigned himself. It was clear he was not going to be allowed to skate over the topic.

\"Cruciatus. One for every year of my life.\"

\"Good gracious, Severus!\"

\"Yes, generous of him, wasn\'t it?\" Snape asked sardonically.

\"I\'m grateful you survived. Frankly, I\'m astounded. The gods are looking out for you.\"

Snape snorted in disbelief. \"Then the gods have peculiar notions of looking out for someone.\"

\"You could be dead. Cruciatus thirty-seven times, you should be dead. Or insane. Needless to say, I\'m delighted you\'re neither. Do you think he suspects? Is that why he did it?\"

\"I\'m afraid to say I don\'t know what he\'s thinking. It\'s very frustrating. I used to be able to read him better. Now, I can\'t tell at all. I believe he was just feeling fractious. He\'s been suffering from headaches lately, it makes him more irritable than usual.\" Snape smiled thinly.

\"How did you get back to Hogwarts?\"

\"I\'m not sure, really. I mean to say, I Disapparated but I truly don\'t know how I managed.\"

\"Some day your strength and perseverance will be legendary. You\'ll have your own Chocolate Frog card. You should have one already.\"

Snape laughed bitterly.

\"So what happened then, my friend? You walked from the gate to the infirmary, after all that?\"

Snape laughed again, this time actually sounding amused. \"I collapsed where I landed, much too weak to get up and walk. Hagrid found me.\"

\"Dear Rubeus.\"

\"Mmm. Yes. Dear Rubeus found me eight hours and fifty-two minutes after I arrived. It had snowed that night. I was unconscious. Quite frigid, apparently. I don\'t remember this part, obviously. Hagrid filled me in while I was in the infirmary. He thought I was dead.\"

Dumbledore murmured in dismay. \"You could have died. And poor Rubeus. He must have been distraught.\"

\"Not knowing what else to do, he picked me up and started to carry me to the infirmary. Apparently, about three minutes into our trek across the grounds, my body had a spasm. Poppy said my nervous system had all but shut down, but apparently there was enough synapse action to cause me to convulse in Hagrid\'s arms.\" Snape grinned. \"Which, I\'m sure I would have done if I had known I was in his arms. Being embraced by Hagrid is more akin to a nightmare than a fantasy, if you follow.\"

Dumbledore smiled. \"So he carried you to the infirmary and Poppy took care of everything.\"

\"Well, not quite. When my body convulsed, Hagrid was startled. Remember, he thought I was dead. In his shock, he dropped me.\"

\"Oh no. Poor Severus. After all you\'d been through already.\" Dumbledore looked suspiciously as if he were trying to keep from laughing.

\"Yes, well, six feet is not so great a distance when compared to, say, fifty, but in my condition -- well, suffice it to say when I finally made it to the infirmary, I had a broken arm, three broken toes, and a large dent in the back of my head. All that in addition to the Dark Lord\'s gift. I was quite a mess.\" Snape smiled wryly.

\"I found out later that Poppy hexed Hagrid when she discovered he\'d dropped me. He grovelled rather nicely when he came to visit. Very apologetic. As tempting as it was to encourage his obsequiousness, he was so distraught I had to forgive him and remind him that he had, in spite of his oafishness, saved my pitiful life. Now that it\'s all over, I find it amusing, in an ‘isn\'t-that-just-my-rotten-luck\' kind of way.\"

Snape grinned at Dumbledore who responded with a weak smile of his own.

\"You\'re done with spying, Severus. This last is too much. I won\'t send you back.\"

\"I have to go back.\" Snape leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and looked intently at Albus. \"These headaches he\'s having, I don\'t know what\'s causing them, but I think they might finally give us the opportunity we\'ve been looking for.\"

\"What do you mean?\"

\"I\'ll tell you in a moment. Did you know nothing of them? Has the brat managed to avoid sympathetic pain?\"

\"He\'s not a brat,\" Dumbledore scolded, \"and no, he\'s said nothing and he appears to be fine. I know he\'s unhappy with me, but I think he\'d let me know something like this.\"

\"I\'d advise you to interrogate those two cretins, his limpet-like friends. I\'m sure they\'ll know if anything\'s amiss with the wonder boy.\"

\"I will speak to them. Now tell me, why do you think this will give us an opportunity?\"

\"He\'s asked me to make him a potion. I\'ve tried all the usual remedies on him, and they\'ve had no effect. Lately, I\'ve been trying to craft him something custom. So far, without results, but it occurs to me that I might be able to create something that will cure his headaches but perhaps weaken his powers, or his concentration, or something to that effect. I don\'t have the details worked out. It\'s an interesting little problem.\"

\"Severus, please. It sounds very interesting, but I won\'t sacrifice you needlessly!\"

\"Yes, you will, Albus. You\'ll have to. Me and the boy and anyone else. Nothing matters except defeating him.\"

\"I don\'t think I\'ll live to see it.\"

\"Albus, don\'t, please. Without you we can\'t defeat him. Without you, there\'s no hope.\"

\"Dear friend.\" A tear trickled down Dumbledore\'s cheek and caught, a shimmering diamond, in his beard. \"There\'s always hope, Severus. I\'d hoped you would have learned that by now.\"

\"Without you there is no hope,\" Snape reiterated , swiping his hand angrily at the tear that threatened to spill out from the corner of his eye.

Dumbledore stretched his hand out and captured Snape\'s, gripping it feebly. \"I\'m very old, even for a wizard. My time is approaching. You have to accept it, Severus. You have to accept it and move on.\"

\"No,\" Snape whispered. \"You can\'t die, Albus. We need you.\" He took a deep breath and looked into Dumbledore\'s blue eyes. \"I need you.\"

Snape seemed to crumple and pressed his head against Dumbledore\'s thin chest as unpracticed sobs shuddered through his body. Dumbledore gently stroked the greasy hair.

\"Don\'t, Severus. Don\'t cry, my boy.\" He continued to stroke Snape\'s head until the grief that wracked the younger man\'s body finally seemed spent.

Snape looked up, his eyes red-rimmed and swollen. Coming back to himself, he flushed in embarrassment at his unseemly display. \"I\'m sorry, Albus. I\'m acting like a child.\"

\"You are like a child sometimes. My child. My son. If I\'d had my own child, Severus, I couldn\'t have done better than for him to be just like you.\"

Snape tried to sneer. \"Don\'t be ridiculous, old man. I\'m a Death Eater and a miserable sod to boot.\"

\"You\'re a brave and troubled man. I\'m proud of you, dear boy, very proud.\"

Snape\'s smile was wintry and clearly disbelieving.

\"We have to discuss what happens after I\'m gone.\"

\"Why?\"

\"Severus,\" Dumbledore admonished him.

\"After you die, the world goes on. The boy tries to defeat the Dark Lord. Either he wins or he dies.\"

\"He will win, I truly believe that. But that\'s not what I\'m speaking of. Not the war, not Tom, not Harry, but you. Let\'s speak of you.\"

\"What is there to say?\"

\"You know as well as I do,\" Dumbledore snorted softly, \"-- that\'s hubris, probably my greatest failing among many -- what I mean to say is you know better than I how our world sees you. They\'re mistaken, of course, but I\'ve spent many years as your protector. I can\'t stop looking out for you just because I\'m dying.\"

\"Then don\'t die,\" Snape said simply.

\"Win or lose this war, when I\'m gone you\'ll need someone to watch out for you.\"

\"I can take care of myself.\"

\"You are very capable, Severus, but even you cannot stand alone against the entire wizarding world. There are many who never believed you turned against Voldemort.\"

Snape bit back the urge to say, \"Duh.\" Dumbledore smiled as if he knew what was going through Severus\'s mind.

\"I\'m stating the obvious. Comes from being a sick old man, I suppose. You need to ally yourself with someone powerful enough to withstand Moody, other aurors, the Ministry. Someone who will protect you and care for you as I have. Perhaps even someone to love you, if you\'ll allow that.\"

\"Who could love me, old man? I\'m hardly a prize.\"

\"You underrate yourself. And I for one, love you.\"

\"Ah. I thought you were speaking of something else.\"

\"I was.\"

\"Then I repeat, who could love me? Who could love a bitter, ugly traitor?\"

\"You\'re not a traitor. You\'re bitter, it\'s true.\"

\"Don\'t forget ugly.\"

\"I shouldn\'t distinguish that with a response. You have grace, power, intelligence, wit. I think the only thing that prevents others from getting close to you is your resemblance to a porcupine.\"

Snape\'s retort, if he had one, was stopped by the entrance of Madame Pomfrey.

\"Thirty minutes, gentlemen. Time\'s up! My patient needs his rest.\" She moved briskly around Dumbledore\'s bed, smoothing blankets and fluffing his pillows. \"And you should be resting as well, Severus. You haven\'t even been out and about for 48 hours yourself. Don\'t want to see you land back in here due to over exertion.\"

Snape stood up and gently touched Dumbledore\'s shoulder. \"I\'ll see you tomorrow, Albus. Get well. You\'re needed.\"

\"Think about what I said,\" Dumbledore replied weakly, already sinking down into the freshly fluffed pillows, eyes closing.