Snape's Intervention.

A/N- Whew, this chapter took awhile to write so sorry folks. Now, you may notice that a lot of the items on this list are inspired by stuff on TV, that is because I am a fan of many shows. So if you find one of these and don't understand it b/c you are not a fan of that show (or you don't listen to country music), than I am deeply and truly sorry. Some of these shows include: South Park, Family Guy, Robot Chicken and Aqua Teen Hunger force. I do not own any of them, nor do I own Harry Potter or any of it's characters, I also do not own the Skippy list. Once again, I must warn people not to read if they are easily offended. This list is a bit longer than the last and I hope it is just as good, if it not, than I am once again sorry. If you like it, please review, they make all this hard work really worthwhile, since I make no money from this. Also you will notice that the beginning and ending scenes are a bit longer, that was because I had a hard time not over simplifying this plot, (if thats what you would call it.) but still keep it funny. I hope I succeded, b/c I am still not sure were I'm going with this. I would like to thank my reviewers now , you guys are awesome.

LusciousLucius- See, I did add another chapter, partly to thank you for posting more on "A few things to Remember." Read this one folks, its funny.
Phorcys- Thanks for the praise, I was so worried that my list was gonna be unoriginal so your review really helped. I also read some of your stories, and thourougly enjoyed them.
Mrstick666- I FUCKING LOVE YOU TOO! THANKS FOR THE REVIEW! ALL CAPITOL LETTERS IN A REVIEW REALLY ADD IMPACT!!
Fenris Mourningstar- Thanks for appreciating the hard work and consdieration that I put into this. And it is always nice to hear someone say I'm even close to being a most of something.
Tamyka- I have no idea what ROTFLMFAO menas, although I think the last part stands for laugh my ass off. Anyway, you were so nice, saying I was the best and all, schucks. Also, I hope youll like that even though there's more fic in this enstallment, I made the list longer too.
Ok, I'll shut up now.













Potions Master, Interrupted.


It hadn’t been but a few months since Professor Snape had attended his little intervention, and needless to say, things, or rather he, hadn’t improved much. Severus hadn’t feigned ignorance, no, that would never work owing to the many copies of his infamous list that had been put up all around the castle. Instead, he had merely gritted his teeth or sent death rays at those few who were ignorant enough to try to snigger at him behind his back. He knew that, just like the being forced to read his list out loud to the roomful of people, the lists being posted were for the purpose of humiliating him into being good.
‘Idiots.’ He thought. Really, how thick can you possibly be to think that the man who had done everything on that list could be so easily embarrassed? The students who laughed at him had no real idea that they were simply fueling his desire, quenching his thirst for attention and inspiring the new day-to-day activities that brought him so much fame. But was that really why he did it, fame? Was all this simply an elaborate front set up by his own subconscious, a mere plea for attention?
‘NOT! Ha, ha!.’ He thought, shaking his inner musings aside. He was just simply too horny and immature for his own good, and he really couldn’t care less why. Nor did he care what the others thought about him, if he did, he wouldn’t have done those things on the list, duh.
Hands in his pockets he made his way out of the dungeons and into the entrance hall which was empty of students, all still in their classes or dormitories. He didn’t have a class this hour, and found that being early to lunch each day was an unexpected treat in many ways. No annoying banter and disorganized students running to and fro from classes. Being able to pick his seat at the teacher’s table, away from the end where Hagrid usually sat, always reeking of either alcohol, blood, or animals. In fact, if Hagrid wasn’t smelling from something, he would redeem himself with a few silent-but-deadlies which made it really hard to eat or whack-off at the table. Lastly, Severus always found that this particular alone time, be it only a few extra minutes more than if he had his free period any other hour, was a good time to either scheme, or put plans into motion. Indeed, as he made his way across the marble floor towards the pair of large wooden doors that lead into the Great Hall he was feeling rather smug.
He then noticed one of the copies of his list posted on the bulletin board right next to the giant hourglasses that kept track of house points. With the thoughts of how those who had put it up had failed, the fun he had recently had from his latest exploits, and the pathetic amount of rubies left in the Gryffindor hourglass, all floating around in his head, he found it increasingly difficult to keep his brooding face and trademark sneer in place. Maybe if he hadn’t been so preoccupied with this he would have noticed the door he was walking by open suddenly, and the arm that reached out and grabbed the hem of his flowing black robes.
“Argghhh!” He said, surprised. He had been jerked into the room so suddenly that when the mysterious person had let him go he stumbled and fell to the floor. He stood up and after throwing his robes off his face saw that he was in the side room were first years usually waited before being sorted at the beginning of the year. No one else appeared to be in the room besides himself. Looking down he saw a particularly large roll of parchment on the floor in front of him. Realizing what he needed to do, and not wondering why no one was listening this time, he picked it up and prepared to read it. Maybe they just finally came to the obvious conclusion that they cannot bully him into stopping his escapades, and could only limit what he could do until they had covered all their bases. He had barely lifted the parchment off the ground far enough to see the title though before a harsh voice rang out from the corner behind him,
“Not here, Snape!”
He turned, and standing there with a mixture of disbelief and hatred in his voice was that good-for-nothing, pompous, self-pitting crybaby, hero wannabe Potter. He barley had time to come up with a retort before the boy swept in front of him and slammed another door open, leading into the Great Hall.
“Oh.” He said, not realizing that he had said it out loud. The great hall was already filled with students, and the teachers all stood next to their tables, waiting for him to enter. Obviously he had been set up. Cursing himself for being taken advantage of for the second time, he walked forward maintaining all the dignity that he could muster.
“Do call me by my proper title Potter, or you may find yourself calling me by a new one.” He must not have understood me, Severus thought, because a sneer not unlike his own was creeping across the boys face. Why that smarmy little bastard, I’ll kill him! His insides roared as anger crept up his face, he reached back for his wand but stopped in the middle of the particularly difficult curse of the slugs when he felt the hair on his back prickle. He turned back towards the Great Hall and saw head master staring at him intently. Or maybe he was staring at the wall, sometimes he saw things no else did.
He quickly left he room and headed for Dumbledore’s usual podium, now empty as Dumbledore had set down next to it. When he finally stood behind it he looked up the students, all of whom bore a look of suppressed eagerness. Potter had set down next to his friends, Granger and bitch, Longbotttom (looking at little burnt at the ends) and that little Weasly girl. He seemed not to have noticed that he was now loudly farting slugs, at which the Slytherin’s were now pointing at and trying to stem their sniggers.
Holding the parchment in his hands, he looked up, trying to maintain a look of detached interest and intimidation, even though his insides were outraged and at the same time highly amused. He knew from as soon as he saw the students that no one had been in their classes. They must have been sent here very early by their teachers and had used Filch’s numerous shortcuts so that he wouldn’t see them. Then Severus could be caught off guard. Damn it.
It wasn’t the speech he was about to make that worried him though, it was the look in all the teacher’s eyes, as if they knew something he didn’t. But what it was, he wouldn’t be able to use legilimency to find out, not with Dumbledore hovering around. He heard a few coughs coming from the audience in front of him, and began to read:


Things I, Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master of Hogwarts. Promise to never again do or say. Also including rules I must remember to follow.



1. I am no longer allowed to be anywhere near and/or in contact with cucumbers of any size, shape, color or type.

2. I can not tell Draco to “suck it”. He just might.

3. The creators of Robot Chicken do not come up with my lesson plans.

4. I shall not refer to Karkarroff as “Jack-er-off”.

5. I will stop telling 1st years that Hagrid’s coat pockets are filled with caramel. On account of that doesn’t even really make any sense whatsoever.

6. I will cease to enter my classroom singing, “Here I am, rock you like a hurricane!”

7. Self-stirring cauldron’s are meant to only be used in Potions class.

8. NO SEX IN POTIONS CLASS!

9. When a student asks me a question, I am not to respond by saying, “Commence the jigglin’!”
And then acting accordingly.

10. No one is allowed in my office for popsicles.

11. “All things considered I’m doin’ just fine,
even though you left a hole the size of Texas deep inside-
of my heart,
the way I’m feeling should be losing my mind,
but all things considered, I’m doin’ just fine-------------------------!” Is not the appropriate way to greet the headmaster.

12. No one is allowed to swim in the lake, therefore I have no need for a speedo.

13. Pink is not my color.

14. During my lessons I am not allowed to randomly scream, “Jesus Christ, we killed your friend!”

15. I am not allowed to demand human sacrifices in exchange for O.W.L.s.

16. I can no longer direct any “You mama is so” jokes at Harry.

17. I will not greet the new DADA teachers by de-pancing them in the great hall.

18. I will cease to spontaneously jiggle.

19. I shall not dissect sock monkeys in class.

20. I am not to sneak up behind 1st years and whisper in their ears, “Hello Clairece.”

21. I am not, and never will be a “fat man in a little cloak.”

22. Bondage + (any member of the Weasly Family) + mice = NO.

23. Hermione’s innocence is not up for sale, and I will stop taking bids..

24. I am not allowed to read J.K Rowling’s books aloud to my classes, something about tearing the fabric of reality or some other bulls**t.

25. No, seriously, I am gonna wash my hair.

26. I am not a member of Reno’s Sheriff Department.

27. I am not to force-feed my students flatulence potion and make them fart just to see if their robes ripple.

28. Dumbledore does not hide presents in his beard.

29. I will stop bitch-slapping Filch across the face with his cat.

30. My catch phrase is not “I’ll put my foot in your boot.”

31. My catch phrase is not “I’m feeling nipply.”

32. I am not allowed to have a catch phrase.

33. I teach potions, not sex ed.

34. I do not have a speech impediment, and will stop repeatedly saying “mmkay”.

35. Whether or not Professor Lupin prefers it “doggie style” is none of my business.

36. I will stop referring to Ron as “Potter’s bitch.”

37. Induced vomiting is not funny.

38. I am not allowed to write and/or distribute fan fiction about Draco.

39. No more playing strip poker with Fang.

40. The Second War cannot be settled with “A couple of Smirrnoffs and some reefer.”

41. I am not too sexy for my robes.

42. I will stop referring to Fred and George as “Spits and Swallows.”

43. I will stop interrupting Professor Mcgonagall’s class by barging in asking when is she giving out the free nipple piercings.

44. That owl was not “acting sexy.”

45. I will not chase down Neville Longbottom in the halls saying he forgot his box of tampax pearls.

46. I am not allowed to interrupt Dumbledore’s speeches by asking “Do I look pretty?”

47. No more asking Potter if I can touch his weenis.

48. Professor Trelawny’s crystal balls do not belong in my pants.

49. I may not tell Hermione Granger that if “you don’t shut your mouth soon, I’m gonna put it to good use!”

50. I will address my students by their names, not by their body weights.

51. Dumbledore is not Santa, so I will not wait by my office fireplace expectantly.

52. My students do not have vibrator switches.

53. I am not allowed to send students “Death rays” with my eyes.

54. During Slytherin Quidditch matches I am not allowed to scream at the top of my lungs, “ BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND YOUR DREAMS WILL COME TRUE!”

55. Or “LISTEN TO YOUR HEART, that’s what I do.”

56. I will stop accusing Lucius Malfoy of stealing my lip gloss.

57. Potions class, once again, is for the study and creation of potions, not Jazz-ercise practice.

58. I am not “the real Slim Shady”.

59. Llamas have nothing to do with the potions curriculum.

60. I am not allowed to post a sign over my classroom door that says: Welcome to the Dark Side. No girls allowed.

61. My name is Severus Snape, so I should stop telling people that “I’m Rick James, bitch.”

62. Explosions in my classroom are not funnier in slow motion.

63. “There can be, only one!” Is a poor excuse for murdering another member of the staff.

64. No more asking Dumbledore how the “staff” is doing.

65. Live kittens are not potion ingredients for 1st years.

66. I am not allowed to wink at Harry until he sees me and then point at my morning eclair with a big bite taken out of it.

67. I am not allowed to play “How many students can fit under my robes.”

68. I am not allowed to throw Harry out of the 7th floor window shouting, “ Think happy thoughts Potter Pan!”

69. Most Ministry officials frown upon dry humping.

70. No slumber parties for Professor Snape.

71. I am not allowed to hide inside the school suits of armor but-naked.

72. Just because Filch is a sadist and Harry is a masochist does not mean that I can imply that they are destined for one another.

73. I am not allowed into the broomstick closet unattended.

74. When Neville Longbottom asks me a question, I will not respond by saying, “You live and learn, then get Hugs.”

75. I am not an “angry little bag of hormones.”

76. There are no such things as underpants gnomes, and I am not allowed to help them.

78. I will not seduce Harry Potter.

79. I will not ask Draco, “If blondes have more fun.”

80. No one in my classes cares if my robes make my but look big.

81. I am not allowed to form the DEAA(Death-Eater Alcoholics Anon.) On school property.

82. I will stay away from Dumbledore’s stash.

83. Just because my teletubby Po doll calls people faggots, does not mean I am allowed to.

84. I must not teach my students that when it comes to stirring potions, “It’s all in the hips, it’s all in the hips.”

85. Furby is not allowed in the potions classroom.

86. I am not to leave Neville, knocked out, hog tied and butt-naked in the house-elves kitchen alone with a bag of weed and a bong just to see what they serve for dinner in the Great Hall that evening.

87. I will not insinuate to Harry that I’m gonna steal his “Sorcerers stones.”

89. Or “tame his Basilisk.”

90. In no situation at any time, any place or with anyone am I allowed to shout, “You can do it! You can do it all night long!”

91. Voldemort is not a nazi.

92. Dumbledore is not a nazi.

93. I must not ask Prof. Sprout if she can help me “pull my weeds.”

94. On the same note, I must remind myself that I teach Potions, not sex ed, or herbology and am therefore not allowed to teach my students the art of “defloration.”

95. I will stop publically accusing Filch of undressing me with his eyes.

96. I must not threaten Ronald Weasly by saying “In the dungeons, no one can hear you scream.” Because they bloody well can.

97. I will not challenge Hermione’s manlihood.

98. Or Dumbledore’s.

99. Or Mcgonagall’s.

100. Or my own. Whatever the hell reason that is.



When he had finished, the Great Hall erupted in laughter, which was quickly stifled by Mcgonagall’s icy glare. Then Dumbledore stood up and spoke.
“Once again, Severus, I must ask for your word.” He said, although he was looking at Hagrid with a doleful expression on his face. God I hate you, Severus thought.
“And you have it, headmaster.” Severus answered in an oily manner.
“Oh,” Dumbledore said, his attention once more turning to him, “ Then everything’s fine bitches.”

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‘What was all of that about?’ Severus wondered. Hadn’t they already learned that humiliation wouldn’t work? He was pacing in his office well after dinner, musing over the afternoon’s events. He had read everything he had on his bookshelves, trying to calm his nerves, but nothing, not even “Everybody Poops”, could take his mind of the looks the staff had in their eyes. What could it all mean?
Suddenly, his door burst open. He turned seeing a pair of wizards in white robes, bearing the symbol of Saint. Mungo’s on the front, enter his office. He might of thought them stripper’s if it had been his birthday today, but it wasn’t, so he instead said, “What in the Hell!?”
But he didn’t say much after that, for the pair had pinned him to the wall.
“We are here from Saint Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries.” One o f the healers said. Duh, Severus thought. But the other healer had already begun to speak.
“We got a call from someone saying a memory charm had gone wrong here and your mind was completely jumbled, you’ll need to come with us for a few months in rehab.”
‘So this was it!’, He thought. They were gonna ship him off to a loony bin! The speech was meant to make him admit to the school that he had done all those things, the healers were probably in disguise, hiding amidst the students. His performance was all they needed for them to have a good enough reason to lock him up. Angry, he sneakily pulled out his wand from his pocket, but kept it out of the two healer’s sight.
“Who called you?” He asked. He wanted a bit more information.
“That’s for us to know, Mister crazy. Don’t bother yourself with too much thinking as of now.” The first healer said. This pissed the professor off so he quickly waved his wand from under his robes. With a loud bang, three more men brandishing swords appeared at the door, all wearing long red cloaks and masks. They all had mustaches and wore large plumes on their hats.
“John Cleese!” One of the healers yelped. As Severus felt their grips on him loosen he managed to fully pull out his wand and he quickly stupefied the two healers. Then, after he preceded to perform memory charms on them he stopped to look at the three figures standing at the door, all muttering to themselves. He raised his wand to rid himself of them but before he uttered the counter-spell for his little illusion, he stopped and laughed as he said to no one in particular, “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!”


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A/N-please r&R and once again, if you have any ideas for this list, or you want to add a chapter to it just email me and we can talk, I have no problem if someone else wants to add on and I will of course give them full credit.