Doll Parts

Journal of Draco Malfoy

October 17, 1996

Snape thinks himself so clever. He thinks he has me right where he wants me. I\'ll admit that Nott turning against me has hurt. That even Parkinson won\'t look at me... well, I\'m not fussed with that. She was a bit of a Skeeter to start with. If she wants to breed with some troll who is probably just using her in a pathetic attempt to be me, then that\'s her prerogative. I\'ll have none of her. That\'s finished.

That\'s beside the point. Snape. Oh wait, I\'m to call him Severus now. Thinks he has me cornered, and I suppose from a purely observational standpoint he does. I\'ll give him that I don\'t have my father to run to now when things go wrong. His imprisonment in Azkaban has unquestionably put a damper on my plans. My mother is still a Black, however, and that name comes with some benefits. (Even if people are starting to notice her drinking. The reporters of The Daily Prophet are nothing but repulsive succubae. They should focus more on what that heathen Potter is doing and not on the families that suffer from his antics.)

I should go back to the start of all of this. I\'d always considered Snape a confidant, an equal of sorts. Someone I could chat with about my concerns for the whole of Slytherin House from a purely objective place that Snape Severus couldn\'t see from. I also took it as an opportunity to let him know of my displeasure of certain students\' habits and dirty little secrets. We also talked about my father and the work that he did. A lot of the time I complained about Scarhead, but that is neither here nor there. Although... while I\'m on that subject, I know he has a girlfriend, but he gets awfully flirty with me. Obviously, I tell him he reeks of stinksap and then I leave. Such a queer Godric. He wishes.

Harry Potter and his Homosexual Urges notwithstanding, this isn\'t about him. This is about Severus. Early on in the year he asked me where my loyalties lie when it came to getting the Dark Mark or not. I was rather excited for this topic to come up so soon. Mum would have me hold off, but I was keen to find an opportunity to promote myself within the ranks of the faithful as soon as possible. Particularly if it meant that I might get to murder \"the dream team\" somewhere along the line. Showing my enthusiasm was a big mistake. It\'s better to keep your emotions in check, and I knew better. I was too eager.

I\'d been under the impression that Severus had called me to his office under the instruction of the Dark Lord. I should have known that were He to wish for me, he\'d have spoken through my mother. However, that didn\'t occur to me at the time.

Severus invited me to talk and I told him everything. It was predictable, I suppose, because he was prepared for my blood lust. In response to my ravings about what a brilliant Death Eater I\'d make, he brought out a small, white rabbit and asked for me to show my killing ability.

I wielded my wand and prepared to utter the Killing Curse when he summoned my wand from me and insisted I do it by hand. The rabbit screamed and kicked. I had no idea rabbits could scream.

By the end of it, my arms were shredded and the rabbit had a healthy disdain for my company.

That\'s when the mocking started. It really hurt. I\'d never had anyone I respected ridicule me like that before. Snape said that if I couldn\'t even kill a rodent, I had little chance of killing someone like Granger, who would definitely fight back, and unlike a mindless beast, would shred more than just my arm. (I pointed out that while she wasn\'t mindless like an animal, she stinks like one.)

Basically, Severus informed me that I lack this \"killer instinct.\" He explained to me about my second cousin, Regulus Black, Sirius\'s brother who was my mother\'s cousin-- which makes him my cousin-- I think. Never mind. The important thing was that he was a Black, and that he joined with the Death Eaters, but lacked the killing instinct, and was executed. I am far too smart and pretty to die.

Severus offered to protect me. He figured he could let the Dark Lord know that I wasn\'t ready; that I needed training up still and that marking a student would be too big of a risk since a young person would be easy for Dumbledore to flush out. This all made sense to me, I\'m sure it would make sense to the Dark Lord.

Being the clear thinker that I am, however, I wondered what it was that Severus would want in return. He gave me this speech about feeling like a father to me. I knew that was entirely too altruistic when he said it, but I didn\'t have loads of other options. My life is worth more than anything anyway, so I agreed. It wasn\'t like I\'d have to follow through on my word. I\'m not a Gryffindor.

In the past few weeks it has started to become a bit obvious what it is that Snape wants. I\'m stuck. Should he tell the Dark Lord that I am ready, then I might well be marked that same day, thus dooming me. He\'s given me a week to consider.

Unlike Potter, I am not a homosexual, so this decision is a big one. I know I do not want him touching me there, or anywhere. Let\'s face it; the man is walking Stinksap. He\'ll be using me. I realize that. I\'ll be using him right back, though. It\'s a hard decision, but this is my life. It would necessarily have to be kept in strictest confidence. It would be bad for both of us it someone found out.

I can handle it. My life is too important to be ended so soon.