Don\'t Let Bad Fic Happen To You

Lucius dropped his elegant, long fingered, hand to diddle the coin slot in Potters’ codpiece. Harry began to sweat, under all his leather, and the beads that dropped, from the ends of his night-black locks, hit the floor, smelling of lust.

He pulled Lucius’s hand away. “Don’t, get me going,” he said. “I have an appointment, and, I intend to keep it.”

Lucius smirked. “And how did the dark lord present his proposal?”

“By way of a note, through Dumbledore, and I was very, very, surprised.”

Suddenly, the doors at the end of the grand ballroom, flung wide open and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named walked in, strutting and cocksure, finally in the flesh he had so, long sought, and had so long, been denied.

A collective gasp swept through the room. There could be no doubt, now, what Voldemort wanted from Harry. Harry surveyed his fated mate from across the room with a growing sense of wonder.

As wedding gown go, it was among the most tastefully ornate, currently available on the market. It was probably a Vera Wang with that dramatic neckline and plunging, back. His dozens of strands, of pearls set off his green skin to perfection and he glowed like any, bride, to, be. He batted his evil eyelashes and hefted, his bouquet up beneath his chin.

“Oh, Harry! This is, the best day of my life! I knew there was a reason I let you live!”

********************************

Harry whipped out his trusty daypalnner and check it.

“I can pencil you in on Saturdays he said. “but only if you take the lats have of the day. The first half is set aside for Blaise.”

“BUT YOU ARE TO BE MINE” Voldemore yelled so loud he scared the portraits form the wall and startled the gathered guests.

“You will just have to take a numbler like everyone else!” harry yelled back.

“Harry don’t do it. Don’t marry him. I love you Harry I love you so much and I never want anyone else!” Snape ran into the hall and threw himself at Harry.

He swept the boy up into his arms and stared into those brilliant emerald eyes caught up in the delight that was his love. With a giggle he twirled Harry around laughing delightidly.

“Oh my Sev I’ve been waiting for you to realize it” Harry said.

“You can have as many lovers as you want as long as you always say you’ll always be my one true love. I can’t live without you my heart beats for you. All this time I’ve been hididng it but I can’t any longer. Harry will you stay with me forever?”

“Sev I can’t wait. Take me now my dashing lover!”

Severus thru Voldemort a triumphant look and ran from the room with his Harry thrown over his shoulder.


Meanwhile….

Ginny fumed and paced in the girls dorm. Hermione was entirely too close to reveling her secret and that was never gonna happen. She cast a difficult and intrivcate spell involoving lots of latin sounding words on Hermoine’s bed.

When the stupid witch went to bed she would never wake up again ever! Ginny laughed so hard she coughed up a noogie and ran form the room laughing even harder.


Hermione was tired and sore when she reached her bedroom that night. She was exhausted from hours of Domination. She had no interest in watching Harry meet Voldemort; with her time-charmy thingie she had already been far enough fowrad to see how this thing would end and anyway he wasn’t one of her slaves so she didn’t really care, ever since he came out of the closet he had been of little use to her anyway and spent all his time with Ron or one of the Malfoys and she had tired of being perfect and smart and cute so what had she done but don a leather corset and get herself a riding crop and started to teach some of these prats the meaning of her awesome intellectual power.

So tired and sore, she got into the girl’s shower. She was so sore and so tired. The Hot water relaxed her sore muscles and relieved her tired spirit. “I am so tired.” She thought. She walked, naked and dripping down the hall to her room, where she could rest her tired and sore body.

She laid her Wand on her bedstand and climbed into bed.

From the shadows came a whisper, “Sweet dreams, mistress,” as Ginny Weasely cackled herself sick.

Hermione was stricken with terror. Her bed had changed dimensions and she seemed to be sinking into the center. Her head rubbed against a wet, silky mound of what felt like living flesh. She tried to claw her way out, but the sides of her bed had risen and had the texture of oiled vinyl. The more she stuggled, the more she turned her head, trying to spy a way out, the oilier and wetter the bed became. When her feet began to feel sucked into a tight, wet hole, she realized what had happened.

Ginny has cast the Vaginae Cannibalismus.


Desperate now, Hermione screamed as she fought to reach her wand. She tried to avoid irritating the giant clit behind her head as her mind reeled for the counter curse.

“I must find a way to break it’s arousal,” she thought insanely, as her legs were swallowed to the knees by the hungry little hole at the foot of her bed.

“Visiting the gynaecologist! Going to the loo! Visiting your Mum!”

The giant cunt seemed to dry up a little bit, but the shrinking orifice was torturously tight around her thighs.

Ginny understood what had happened and started to hex Hermione from the corner of the room, forcing her to hasten her own death.

Hermione was flabbergasted when her own voice called out, “Lucius Malfoy, straight and oiled and hard as a rock!”

She clapped her hand over her treacherous mouth and sunk to her shoulders into the waiting vagina.

“Mmmmpf! MmmMmmmpf Pfffmm!”

Hermione fought to keep her own mouth shut so Ginny had to go to plan B.

She stalked over to the head of the bed and reached under the frame, where she knew she’d find what she was looking for.

Hermione’s vibrator was black, about a foot long and four inches in diameter. Hermione’s eyes were wide with terror as Jamal, her favourite toy was applied to the clit at the head of her bed. She was swallowed by the giant orgasm seconds later.

Ginny cast the charm to banish the Vagianta to the out reaches with Hermione safely locked inside. Then she disappeared herself.

When Ron ran into the room minutes later, he found it empty. The dormitory had a strange smell to it… a smell he had never encountered before. He found it strangely compelling.

************************

harry tapped his foot impatiently wishing the damn old fool would just shut up. yes hewrmione was missing but did he have to run his rfreakin mouth all the damn time? he drummed his fingers on the table and sighed before slipping his headfones on and turning on his ipod.

harry pay attention ron said

Why harry answered

Cause we need to figue out who hurt hermione we nned to know where she is.

harry rolled his eyes and stood up ignoring the gasps and moans from the students. he had had enough. he stomped away from the great hall.

only one more year until I graduate, he thought. only two more years until final exams then the cememony and then college. he sighed and threw a bubble yum wrapper in the trash can, scuffing the florr with his sneakers.

he would be glad to be gone from that weirdo running the school. The one who controlled his very desiny. the one who looked at him with that look, that ‘i want you, you sexy little foxy vamp you’ look.

harry, there you are! draco yelled running up to his mate. i just got some great DVD’s and thought we could watch them on my new DVD/CD/VHS machine. its from sony, it’s the best!

hmm harry said. can we fuck while we watch the movie?

of course, draco soothed.

k. harry shrugged and followd draco down to the dungeons.

(AN- Notice my clever use of British spellings and slang.)

Albert Dumbledore stood in his office, admiring himself in a full-length mirror.

“Oh you handsome devil, you,” he crooned to himself. He seemed to be glouwing from every pore. He ran his hands over his multi-coloured robe at the belly, musing to himself.

Outside the door, Harry popped his iPod earphones out of his ouwn ears painfully. Small emerald-green sparks shot from his outraged nerve endings. Draco licked his lips and thought naughty things in the nanosecond it took for Albert to oupen the door.

“Darling boys! I’ve fantabulous news for you bouth!”

Harry stalked into the office and flung himself into one of the Barcaloungers in the room. “You crazy ould coot. Fist Lucius, nouw this.”

Dumbledore clucked his shrivelled ould toungue. “Now, is that any way to treat me, whe I’m in this delicate coundition?”

With a flourish, Albert lifted his roubes and threw them over his shoulder.

Draco’s jaw droupped to the floor. “My god! The ould man is hung like a—“

Though that was true, abouve Dumbledore’s monster prick was an even more montstrous sight. His aged, wrinkled belly was pulled taut and traced with varicose blue veins. His ancient navel was distended and poked out like a meat thermometer in a horribly overdone Guy Fawkes’ day turkey.

The headmaster was pregnant.

Before he could think, Harry found himself shouting. “Why you disgusting foul ould tarty whoremongering arse-fucked son of a sod! Who knocked you up this time?”