Duck Duck Goose

Hermione sighed deeply as she made her way to the dungeons, not really caring if Severus was able to keep up with the long striding walk this body was capable of. She couldn’t believe Albus wouldn’t let anyone know of this predicament. Well, she could understand keeping it from the students, one could never be sure about which students were Death Eaters in training, but why not the other professors? Min – Professor McGonagall was going to be very unhappy. ‘Oh Merlin!’ Hermione suddenly realized, “Snape is going to die when he realizes what he’s going to have to do to keep up this pretense.’ She blushed furiously, giving the Potion Masters’ face a rare glow of health.

 Once they were in the correct hallway, Snape pushed ahead of her and led the way to his private chambers. He whispered the password at the portrait that guarded his rooms and ushered Hermione inside.

 She was surprised to see that the stern, snarky man had pleasantly lush quarters. There were hints of his House colours throughout his rooms, but overall, the colours all complimented each other in a tasteful, subtle manner. It was quite pleasing. She turned to Snape who was sitting in his favourite leather chair, a guarded look on his new face. “You do realize you’re going to have to tell me all your passwords, sir?”

 Snape seemed to arguing with himself as he grimaced, then nodded. “Yes, Miss Granger, I am quite clear on what is expected of me. You shall have to do the same.” He sighed as deeply as Hermione had. “Let’s get this nonsense over with. Sit down and tell me about yourself so we can pull this rich façade off. Don’t leave anything out.”

 Hermione couldn’t believe she was about to tell this greasy git her life story. She sat down heavily in the chair across from Snape, hands crossed. She stared at them while she gathered her thoughts.

 “My full name is Hermione Jane Granger. My parents are both dentists. They named me after a character in Shakespeare’s play “A Winter’s Tale”. They are accepting of my being a witch, but not of using magic as a quick fix. They were quite put out after they realized I let me teeth be reduced to normal size instead of the way they were originally. My birthday is September 19 and Crookshanks was a gift to myself in 1993. He’s half tom-cat, half kneazle. During fourth year I was briefly involved with Viktor Krum, but that fell apart when I realized he wasn’t my type. We still write on and off, but we’ll never be more than friends. Ron still gets jealous when I mention him. I used to think he was being over-protective of me, but now I know that . . . well, never mind, it’s not important.” Hermione stopped to think. “Portable, water-proof fires are one of my specialties, I learned how to brew Polyjuice potion during second year, I set your robes on fire during first year, I took double classes third year using a time-turner . . .” she stopped when she realized Snape was staring at her, eyebrow quirked, mouth slightly agape. It was an odd look for the Potions Master and even odder seeing it on her own face.

 “Bloody hell,” Snape exclaimed. “What in Merlin’s name did you set fire to me for, girl?”

 Hermione shrugged. “I knew someone was trying to curse Harry off of his broom and when I scanned the boxes with my binoculars, I saw what you were doing and totally missed Quirrell. But when you stood up to stamp the flames out, you knocked him over and broke the spell anyhow. I do apologize for thinking you were trying to hurt him though.”

 Snape sighed. It was actually a bit funny, but he’d never admit that to Miss Granger. “And the Polyjuice?”

 “So we could sneak into the Slytherin Common room to interrogate Draco about the Heir of Slytherin.”

 Snape was secretly amazed that a second year student, even one as bright as this girl would have been able to successfully brew such an advanced potion at such a young age. Though it answered the question as to who had broken into his storeroom. “I take it that it was this situation which led to your being turned into a cat, Miss Granger?”

 Hermione leveled a look at him Snape found he didn’t much like being on the receiving end of one of his stares. No wonder the students jumped in his presence. “Yes, Professor, it would.”

 Snape smirked, and let that particular line of questioning drop. “What do you know about me?”

 Hermione pondered this. “You’re an ex-Death Eater, a spy for the Order of the Phoenix, considered a son by Dumbledore, you’re snarky and ill-considerate towards your students with the exception of the Slytherins,” she took a quick glance around her, “and you have wonderful taste in decorating.”

 Snape’s lips twitched into a brief smile. “I certainly hope that most of your knowledge does not extend to the entire student body. There is nothing else you need to know about me,” he declared. “As I am sure you know, I am a very private person both with staff and students. Albus knows the most about me and since he is aware of our . . . situation, he will hopefully steer you out of any awkward circumstances.”

 Hermione paused a moment, collecting her thoughts, looking for the right words. “Are you . . . involved with anyone, Professor?”

 Snape snorted.

 “I’ll take that as a no,” said Hermione.

 “And yourself,” asked Snape.

 Snape watched his cheeks turned a darker red than he thought it was possible for someone to blush, and he’d embarrassed quite a number of students into it.

 “I’ll take that as a yes,” Snape said, sarcastically mirroring her earlier words. “And with whom will I have the . . . pleasure of consorting with while inhabiting your body?”

 Hermione thought her face was going to explode. “Well, it’s a person you know pretty well . . . it shouldn’t be too difficult for you to interact with them . . .”

 Snape gazed impassively at his student. “Yes, Miss Granger? How far along is this relationship?”

 “Erm, well, you see . . . ”

 “What is his name, girl?”

 “Well, see, Professor, there’s something you don’t know about me . . . ”

 “Miss Granger, I asked you to tell me everything about yourself, did I not? I am quickly getting the feeling that what you are attempting to tell me is something of supreme importance, please stop rambling and get to the point.”

 ‘If my face gets any hotter, my skin is going to melt off!’ thought Hermione in despair. She sucked in a big breath of air. “I’m gay professor!”

 Snape quirked an eyebrow. ‘This could be very . . . interesting,’ he thought to himself. “Miss Granger, frankly, who cares? Unlike the Muggle world, it really isn’t that big of a deal here in the Wizarding world. With all the reading you do, I’m surprised you haven’t realized that yet.”

 ‘Git,’ thought Hermione. ‘He won’t be so snarky when I tell him who it is!’

 “Again, I ask you, what is her name?”

 Hermione sighed. ‘Here goes nothing.’ “Minerva,” she whispered, looking at her hands. When no response seemed forthcoming, she chanced a look at him.

 He was simply sitting there, staring at her. Snape rose from his seat, strode to his liquor cabinet, pulled out a glass and the Ogden’s Firewhiskey. He poured a neat shot and tossed it back. After a moment passed, without turning around, he muttered, “Please tell me that there is a student here that I am unaware that has the same first name as the Deputy Headmistress!”

 “One and the same,” said Hermione, barely above a murmur.

 Before Snape could restrain himself, a slight “Urggh….” escaped his lips. He tossed back another tumbler. ‘Just bloody brilliant. Guess we know why she’s Minerva’s favourite student’ he smirked.

 Deciding it couldn’t get any worse than it already was, Hermione added, “She likes leather.”

 Snape, in a body that wasn’t at all used to Firewhiskey, was reeling. Trying to regain his equilibrium, he didn’t really catch what Hermione told him. He staggered over to his private stores and drank down a vial of hangover draught, knowing that in this body, he’d be sure to need it. It wouldn’t do for the Head Girl to show up drunk to classes the next day.

 Before the evening could get any more bizarre, Snape quickly informed Hermione of his passwords, how to get about Hogwarts without using the main halls, and then showed her a quick back way to the Head Girls rooms.

 Hermione let herself in, making sure he would be able to do so as well, and introduced him to her cat. Thanks to his kneazle side, Crookshanks didn’t seem very alarmed at the switch, and promptly went back to sleep. Hermione showed Snape where she kept her books, her notes, her schedule, and her clothes and other such items. “I do wear a little makeup, sir, but nothing you can’t handle.” She deftly showed him how to apply the bit of lipstick and blush that she wore, and how to tame her unruly hair.

When all was said and done, she turned to Snape and bid him goodnight. “One more thing, sir, Harry and Ron think I’m having extra studies with Minerva.”