Not Emotionless to Me

A/N: For the sake of PinkCorsair’s sanity, I changed the Prologue so Ginny just bleeds until she loses consciousness. This chapter’s title is a song by Idina Menzel.

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Chapter One: It Only Hurts When I Breathe

Out of respect for the fallen, Hogwarts’ students were sent home the next day. Who sent them home I’ll never know. I’m still not sure who took over Hogwarts in Dumbledore’s absence. All day I waited for Voldemort to come and take over the school, but he never did. In a way, that made it easier for me, but also harder. When my screaming subsided, I was surrounded by death.

Death has a very specific smell, and not altogether too easy to describe. At first, it’s sweet, like bitter pecans. Then the sweetness subsides and you smell blood. Blood all around - it fills the air like a plague. You can smell how sticky it is even without touching it. When you get used to the blood, you smell rotting flesh. Rotting flesh soon gives way to incredible silence.

A silence that was suddenly interrupted by… ragged breathing and dripping water? I looked down and instead of seeing my only female friend decomposing before my eyes, I saw Dumbledore’s Phoenix, Fawkes, crying. Phoenix tears, of course! I cursed under my breath for not thinking of it before. Something about losing everything makes you forget your common sense. Thank Merlin that, even in death, Dumbledore was watching out for us.

Slowly Ginny’s gaping wound began to close itself. I find it very ironic that the only person besides me to survive was someone who wasn’t even an official Order member. Molly Weasley insisted that she not be allowed to join until she completed her Auror training. As she was a year younger than Ron, Harry, and I, she still had that long to go. However, because of her relationship with Harry and friendship with me, she always knew what was going on.

After her ill-fated romance with Dean Thomas, Harry and Ginny finally started going out. Though they never married, they planned to. Their plan was to marry the day Voldemort was defeated. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who never saw his victory coming. Soon Fawkes finished his work and flew off to look after the others, leaving me to wait for Ginny to wake.

Though I was glad that Ginny awoke before too long, I dreaded it. How do you tell someone that all they love is gone? That you’re all they have left in the world? It was an awkward moment indeed. When she finally opened her eyes, I was the first to speak. My voice was harsh and hollow from all the screaming.

“Hey, Gin,” I managed to whisper. She opened her mouth a few times before her eyes asked what her lips could not. “They’re gone. Harry, Dumbledore, your Mum and Dad. Everyone.” For the longest time I just held her and let her cry, knowing exactly how she felt. It was nightfall before she finally found her voice. All she asked was how. Thankfully, I actually had an answer to that.

“Severus.”

This time it was my turn to cry. Everyone had warned me about getting involved with him. When I became his apprentice sixth year, Dumbledore alone insisted that his intentions were honorable. Of course, they weren’t, or we never would have gotten married. I still remember the first time he touched me. He was so sweet and gentle. I loved him so much, and he turned on me. I guess it’s true what the Muggles say, “Love is blind.”

But how is it that I couldn’t see that it was all a lie? How could Dumbledore have trusted him? The omniscient Dumbledore and the Know-It-All Gryffindor fooled by a spy. Our spy. I’d like to think that he was under the Imperius, that he never truly betrayed me, but I was never so naïve that I couldn’t see what was right in front of me.

Speaking of what was right in front of me; I finally managed to pull myself together. Almost the entire Order had fallen, but not everyone. Nymphadora Tonks was badly injured, but being treated by Fawkes. Her dead fiancé, Remus Lupin, lay beside her. Part of me thought it would be kinder to leave her injured so she wouldn’t go through the pain of being alone, but we needed her.

Though we needed her, I must admit I was terrified of telling her about Remus. Ginny would never come right out and say it, but I’m sure she blamed me for Harry’s death. Tonks on the other hand, well, she always hated Severus. Her hatred of him rivaled Harry’s, if that was possible. Sure enough, as soon as Fawkes patched up the gash in her throat, she started screaming at me.

How could I let this happen? Didn’t I ever think? How can you live with someone and not know he’s against you? All these things she screamed at me, as if they had never occurred to me! What did she think I had dwelled on the past day? For a brilliant Auror, she could be awfully stupid. Did she really think I knew Severus was a traitor?

Apparently she did, as the next thing she did was draw her wand on me. At first, I didn’t realize what was happening. Only when Fawkes threw himself in front of me did I figure out that she was attacking me. Then it occurred to me… where was my wand? How could I defend myself from a grief-ridden Auror without a wand?

After taking three spells aimed for me, Fawkes admitted defeat and flew from the Hall, leaving me to dodge the enraged Auror’s curses. I rolled away from her Stunner, dove to miss her Jelly-Legs, and jumped to miss her Stinging Hex. Her Cruciatus almost got me, but I fled from the Hall just in time. I scanned the field of bodies looking for a wand. I had to suppress a sob when I saw the only one available. I ran up to Harry’s body and tried to wrench it from his frozen hand. Unfortunately, his hand didn’t want to let go.

I heard Tonks approaching and dove behind Harry. I propped him up like a shield. Tonks sent a few hexes our way, but Harry took them. When she started using the Cutting Curse, I knew I had a real problem. Soon hiding behind him was no longer an option, unless I wanted to hide in his intestinal track that lay on the ground. Luckily, his hand was neatly severed. I grabbed it and wrapped my hand around his wand. A well aimed Full Body Bind and Tonks fell.

I quickly took her wand and put it in my pocket. I managed to pry Harry’s fingers off his wand and used it to summon mine. Immediately my thoughts jumped to Ginny. I couldn’t let her see what became of Harry. I rushed back to the Hall just in time to stop her from coming out.

“Don’t go out there, Ginny. There’s,” I held back another sob, “nothing left. Only this.” I held out his wand to her. Slowly her hand came forward to grasp it. “I think he would have wanted you to have it.” We stood there in silence for a few moments. Moments or hours, I’m not sure. Time moved differently that day. Eventually I remembered Tonks. With the wards down, I told Ginny to Apparate to Grimmauld Place and wait for me there.

I walked back over to Tonks. I cast a charm to bind her but allow her to talk. I let her scream at me until she was satisfied. When she finished, I told her how sorry I was. She didn’t want to hear it. Hell, I didn’t either. I finally just told her Ginny and I would be in London, and to join us if she wanted. I unbound her and handed back her wand. I quickly Apparated away.

When I got to Grimmauld Place, I found Ginny upstairs in the room Fred and George once shared. Fawkes was perched on her shoulder. She was sitting on the window seat, looking out at the Muggles walking by.

“None of them know,” she began. “None of them have any idea that a war was just lost. None of them have realized what’s in store for them, for London, for the world.” She turned to me, her eyes empty. “But they will. They’ll suffer, one by one, until no one is left.”

I walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her. “I know, Gin.”

Ginny pulled out of my embrace and looked at me. “Of course you do. You know everything, Hermione.” I opened my mouth to protest, but she held up her hand, cutting me off. “So I have a question. What do we do now?” I knew I couldn’t answer that, so I stood up and crossed my arms, hugging myself. I walked over to the door and downstairs to my old room.

It hurt too much to think about it. I had no idea what to do. I wanted to give up and snap my wand one second, and ram it down Severus’s throat the next. I sat in the dark letting my mind wander. I thought back to happier times. Life before Hogwarts.

I was a little girl running through a field. I found a butterfly and ran over to show my Mom and Dad. My Dad picked me up and hoisted me on his shoulders. I watched the butterfly fly off into the sunset. My Dad walked me over to an apple tree and let me pick one. The juices from my first bite dripped down my chin and plopped into his hair. We laughed and I gave him a bite.

My Mom dragged me shopping with her for my Aunt’s wedding. She made me try on all these little dresses so I could be the flower girl. I wore a flowing pink dress down the aisle, throwing carnations as I went. I hated it. When I got to the end of the aisle, I still had lots of buds, so I just dumped the basket upside down and left it at that.

It was the night before I left for Hogwarts. I was busy devouring my textbooks when my parents came in. My Mom lifted me onto her lap and told me how proud she was of me. My Dad told me how much they would miss me. We all exchanged phrases of love. They tucked me into bed for the last time as a Muggle.

I would have done anything to have my Mom there that night, to hold me and tell me she loved me. But all I had were my memories. My entire family was killed right after my wedding. The only comfort I had was knowing they died knowing I was happy.

Happy. What an amazingly simple concept. Despite it all, I was happy with Severus. Even after Ron died, I found happiness with my husband. Not now, though. Even the thought of what I would do when I got my hands on him didn’t bring a smile to my face. So many ways to cause pain, so many ways to make him suffer. But suffering was something he was used to. No, nothing I could physically do to him would be enough. I wanted to hurt him. To take everything he had.

I walked over to the window and stared up at the moon. If Remus was still alive, he would be transforming. So many people gone and no way to bring them back. When I spoke, my breathe fogged the window. “If it’s the last thing I ever do, I will find you, Severus Snape. I will make you pay for this.”

“We’ll help you.” Ginny’s voice startled me, bringing me back to the present. She stood in the doorway with Tonks. I drew my wand, but Tonks walked over and held my hand in hers. I slowly put it away when I realized she was back on our side. The three of us shared a nod of understanding before we hugged.

“I’m sorry for what I said, Hermione. I know you didn’t know about Severus. I’ll help you find him. When we do, maybe the pain will stop and we can get back to normal. It won’t hurt forever--”

I cut Tonks off. “It doesn’t hurt all the time.” She looked at me quizzically. I turned to face the window again. I took off my wedding band placed it on the floor. I cast a melting charm on it and watched it disappear. I stomped out the flame and turned back to Tonks and Ginny. “It only hurts when I breathe.”