Trading Places

TITLE: Trading Spaces

RATING: R (slash warning m/m)

PAIRING: HG/SS, HP/DM, HP/HG (friendship)

AUTHORS' NOTE: This story takes place in Book 7, much speculation abounds. We've drawn some ideas from
some other wonderful Harry Potter fic (Pawn to Queen, The Fire and The Rose, Avatar, Artful Facade). We will
be updating every two weeks, possibly with more than one installment, depending on fate and life. Any
constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.

SUMMARY: What do you call a cross between a Gryffindor and a Slytherin? A prefect! Don't worry, it's not
"what would happen in he had been sorted into . . ." Dumbledore works in mysterious ways as Voldemort
grows in power and daring. Other than that? Shippyness, Snogging, Shagging, Snippy and Snarky! Trust me,
it'll all make sense in a little while.

Harry and Hermione gratefully left Snape's den to seek theeds eds in the weird new world of the Slytherin
dormitories. Harry carried the yellow flamed lamp that led their way. They soon reached their entrance
portrait, a mad-looking old wizard in green robes who cast his eyes suspiciously to the right and then to the
left. "Who goes there?" He asked, his face twitched and his movements were guarded.

"Harry Potter."

"I know you! You're in the wrong dormitory, boy." The portrait said, its voice growing louder eve every word.
"What are doing here? SNOOPING? Trying to get INSIDE INFORMATION!"

"No, sir. We're the new prefects for Slytherin. We even know the password!" Hermione explained. Harry
muttered something rude under his breath about Slytherins and passwords and greasy professors.

"Don't give me that rubbish! The oneopleople who belong here are Slytherin students. And you two are
definitely NOT Slytherin students."

"We're honorary Slytherins." Harry explained. "And believe me, we won't spend anymore time than necessary
here."

"Paranoid Pete, let those children pass!" The Bloody Baron, the Slytherin ghost, said as he came to hover beside
them. "Didn't year?ear? They've switched Houses."

"We don't know that! I heard nothing about this from Professor Snape." Paranoid Pete insisted stubbornly. The
Bloody Baron whipped out his fencing foil and stabbed at the painting Pete was occupying. Of course, it went
right through it. "Ouch! Ow! You're killing me! Stop that!"

"Rubbish!" The Bloody Baron exclaimed. "You know damn well that you can't feel that. Now, let them through."

"Fine. Password?" The painting said begrudgingly.

Harry's lips twitched. "Sneaky snake."

"You may enter." Paranoid Pete intoned in a deep and serious voice.

Hermione and Harry walked through the entryway and into the Slytherin common room.

"Look!" Hermione cried. "Is there anything these people won't put a snake on? There were Slytherin crests on
the wall. There were snake-upholstered furnishings. There were even serpentine rugs on the floor. There were
snake sculptures, snakes coiled around the beams that supported the ceiling. There was even a bewitchment on
the fireplace, a green fire was burning there and the tendrils of smoke looked like snakes which hissed at them.
A huge portrait of two snakes entwined over the mantle place. "Ugh!" She said, upon seeing that last bit.

Harry stopped his inspection of the room to listen carefully. "Do you hear something?"

"No." Hermione answered. "Why?"

There was an adjoining room where Slytherins held House Council Har Harry could swear he heard singing
coming from the room. "Come on, someone or thing is here besides us."

"I'm almost afraid to look." Hermione said. "It's like we've plunged down the rabbit hole or something." She
could never remember things being this strange in the Gryffindor dorm.

They opened the door to the other room and weren't prepared for the sight that greeted them. There were two
foot-long snakes. . .dancing and singing on a table. One was a vivid green with blue markings. The other was
blue with green markings. They both had red eyes and were singing in harmony ". . .and sneaky snake goes
dancing. . .a-wigglin' and a hissin'. . ." They abruptly stopped their sideways shimmy to glare at them.

The blue one scooted to the edge of the table to get a better look. "Look at this, Snarky, these two haven't seen a
snake before or something."

His companion laughed, sounding like a staccato "thee. . .thee….theee." He, too, scooted to the edge of the table.
"Who are these two, Snippy?"

Snippy did the snake equivalent of a shrug. "Who cares?" He looked at Harry considering and hmmphed. "He's
not as pretty as Malfoy."

"I may not be as pretty as Malfoy." Harry said. "But I can hear. . ." He leaned down until he was eye-level with
the snake. ". . . everything that you're saying. So, I'd watch my forked tongue if I were you."

They were far from intimidated. "Ooooh! I'm sssssooooo scared." Snarky said with an exaggerated hiss." They
seemed excited by the prospect. "We've got ourselves a parselmouth and he thinks he's special!"

"I know who that is! There's only one parselmouth at Hogwarts. That's Harry Potter! Show us the scar! Show us
the scar!" Snippy demanded.

"I think not." Harry said, standing once more.

"Are they talking to you?" Asked Hermione.

"She must be the know-it-all who hangs out with him." Snippy asserted. "Her name is hiney or something."

"Doesn't look that ssssmart to me." Snarky giggled. "She's named after a butt." Then, they laughed themselves
silly. "thee…theee….theeee." To snakes, the idea of buttocks was apparently amusing.

"Uh, yes. They said. . .welcome to Slytherin."

"I rather doubt that." Hone one said dryly. "You may be a great many things, Harry, but a good liar is not one
of them." She pointed an admonishing finger at the snakes. "You two behave yourselves! I may have to take
orders from Professor Snape but I'll be damned if I'm going to take sass from mascots. Watch it or you'll find
yourself in one of my potions!"

"Oh my." Snippy said with a mock tremble. "Threats and finger pointing . . . I think we're ssssupposed to be
intimidated at this point."

"Really?" Snarky looked confused. "I thought she was a know-it-all. She doesn't even know the difference
between sass and intense, witty ssssarcasm."

"Maybe we shouldn't be so harsh." Snippy gave her a serpentine once over, eyes settling on her less-bushy hair.
"Medusa looks like she'll fit right in here."

Harry snickered before he could stop himself. At Hermione's arch look he muttered, "They like your hair."

She glowered at the snakes because she somehow guessed that their comments were less than flattering. "I'm
sure your conversation is scintillating but I'm tired and I'm going to bed." She glanced at Harry. "Besides, we
need to be well rested if we're going to spend the day with Herr Snape and get ready for school." She groaned.
"I still have to finish reading Babbleswell's Guide to Tarot for Professor Trelawney's class before I can go to
bed." She walked off in the direction of the girls' dormitory. "Night, Harry."

"I thought she'd never leave." Snarky said.

"Who's surprised she's going to study?" Snippy asked. "Nothing in her bags but pencils and books."

"You went through her bags?" Harry demanded.

"Of course." Snippy answered and Harry continued to scowl. "Oh, don't feel bad! We went through yours too!
No favoritism here in Slytherin House."

"You went through MY bags!" Harry thundered.

"He's slow on the uptake!" There was another chorus of hissing laughs. "By the way, those chocolate frogs were
delicioussss." Snarky said and then they both sighed with the remembrance of the chocolate. "Next time, we'd
like the dark chocolate kind."

"I didn't buy them for YOU!" Harry said tightly. He'd brought a 12 pack with him for when he had an attack of
the late night munchies.

"That's soooo rude. " Snippy said. "Why ever would you bring candy in here if you didn't want us to eat it?"

"Hmmph!" Snarky said as he slithered off the table and onto the floor. "See if we talk to you anymore!"

"I can live with that." Harry said smugly.

"Really?" Snippy said, perking up. "Then, we'll have to think of something else."

Snarky pondered this a moment. "Maybe we should shed our skin in his bed!"

"Yeah, and sing songs all night!" Snippy threatened.

"You look like a Britney Spears fan to me." Snarky said with an evil gleam in his red eye.

"NO!" Harry cried. "Anything but that!"

Snippy's eyes widened with delight. "Yesss, I think so too!" They swept out of the room, slinking at high speed.

Harry scrambled after them.


***************

"Ooopssss, I did it again. I played with your heart. Got lost in the game. . ." Snippy was wrapped around the
bedpost, bobbing his head.

Snarky did a sidewise shimmy at the end of the bed. "Oh baby, baby. You think I'm in love and sent from
above. I'm not that innocccccent!"

"I hate you so much." Harry groaned and put his pillow over his head. But even the fluffiest of Hogwarts'
pillows could drown out the noise. "Why can't you be good little snakes and SHUT UP!!!"

But the snakes were just getting revved up for their four a.m. private lounge show. Apparently, they'd stolen
(big surprise) someone's contraband Muggle radio. They'd been forced to listen to Britney Spears because they
only got one pop station and routinely got her songs stuck in their heads. The two snakes had cheerfully told
them about their plan to steal a television too so that they could make fun of her videos and appearance.

"Oh, so you want us to be a. . ."Snippy did an athletic leap to Harry's bed. "Sssssslave for you!"

Snarky did a funky move, twitching his tail back and forth.

Harry grabbed up his wristwatch from the bedside table and flung it at Snippy who neatly bent his head and it
slid down his body. "Oh…sssank you." He extended his body so that he could see it against his skin. "It's shiny."

Meanwhile, Snarky had changed songs, going with the flow. "Hit me baby one more time!"

"Give me back my watch!" Harry yelled.

"Are they talking to you again?" Hermione asked as she came into the room. She was wearing a white robe and
nightgown. "Sorry, I would have knocked but the door was already open."

"It's okay. Is something wrong?"

"I don't know. It's just. . . creepy over there. Crookshanks is asleep so I'm all by myself." She sat down on the
edge of his bed. "I was hoping I could stay here with you. I'm a little lonely."

"Me too." Harry admitted. "You know, this school year isn't shaping up to be what I thought it would be."

"Me either. I didn't fancy ending up as Snape's potion assistant." Hermione shuddered.

"Ewwwww, Ssssssnape." The snakes chorused and then laughed.

Harry suppressed a smile. Maybe they weren't so bad after all. "Tell you what, Hermione. Let's not worry about
him tonight. " He lifted the covers up. "Come on, get in. We'll try to get some sleep and worry about him in the
morning."

"Hmmmm . ." Snarky said ,interested enough to stop singing. "Methinks this is the beginning of an immoral
liaison."

"I do not feel that way about, Hermione!"

"Why are you angry?" Hermione asked.

"He thinks your ssssexy, Hiney!" They both shouted at the same time and then "theee. ..theeee. . .theee"d over
that.

"They think we are about to. . ." Harry turned bright red. "Um. . ."

"Oh!" Hermione nodded and then "Ewww!" She picked one offensive serpent up by the end of the tail and
brought its face to her own. "Bad, bad snake!"

"Ssssank you!" Snarky said as he was currently hung upside down by her. "By the way, your breath is minty
fresh unlike some people we know."

"What did he say?" She asked tightly.

"He said he was sorry. And he likes your teeth. Now, get out of here, you two!" Harry ordered.

"Fine." Snippy slithered to the door. "But you're no Malfoy."

Hermione released the other snake and he joined his friend. "Yeah, he's certainly no sssex god."

Harry couldn't help himself. "Malfoy? A sex god?"

Hermione stared at him. "Is there something you want to tell me, Harry?"

*************

"Password?"

Draco Malfoy stared intently at the so-called "Fat Lady" portrait. "Slytherin sucks." He muttered. This was one
password that would be changed tonight.

"Excuse me, young man?"

"Slytherin sucks." He annunciated very clearly. He was given entrance to the Gryffindorr common room. "The
inner sanctum, eh?" He said to himself. Unfortunately, he was entering the "lion's den" by himself. Pansy
Parkinson had gone to bed earlier that night. She said that she was owling her mother to complain about her
new post.

He stared at all of the griffins. They were on the walls and the carpet. They were on the furniture too. "What is
it with these people and lions?"

"I am most definitely not a lion!" An imperious voice sounded from behind him. Curled up on a chaise lay a
very small griffin. Its wings were white and tucked behind its back. It's lions body was relaxed in its repose, it
resembled a very small house cat. "You don't know the difference between a griffin and a lion?"

"I most certainly do." Malfoy sneered. "I just always thought they were bigger."

"Size is not indicative of importance!" It crawled up on the back of the chair and glared at him. "Look at you!
Oh, yes." It smirked, settling into a Sphinx like posture and staring at him. "Don't think I don't know who you
are. You used to be a rather small, whiny little thing, didn't you?"

"Look, I'm very tired and--"

"Yes, I'm sure sneering takes a lot out of a person." It purred, regally lifting a paw to fix a tuft of fur. The griffin
seemed severely unimpressed with him.

"Listen you-"

"Ewe? Pardon me?" It was angry now. "Do I look like a sheo yoo you, Slytherin?" When Malfoy was too
shocked to answer, it stood up and slashed a paw at him, claws out. "Well? Do I?!"

"I wasn't suggesting that you were a sheep, I just don't happen to know your name." Draco said in a calming
tone, afraid it was going to jump across the chair and claw his face.

"I'm Griff-gruff." He bowed.

"I'm Draco Mal-"

"No need. I know exactly who you are. Harry talks about you all the time." The griffin seemed to be
complacent once more.

"Does he?" Draco examined his nails, trying to look casual.

"You needn't look so smug. It's never good." It jumped down onto the seat of the chair. "What are you doing
just standing around here? Shouldn't you be setting up your new room? Getting your overly expensive and
bulky luggage out of my common room?"

"Your common room?"

"Are you learning impaired?" Griff-gruff raised a brow at him. "Of course it's mine. Do you not see me sitting
in here, on my chair, presiding over the activities of this house, even if it's only you and that ghastly Pansy
girl?" Malfoy stood, staring at him. "Well, go on! Don't you need time to set up all your mirrors?"

"How did you . . .wait . . . you didn't go through my stuff did you?"

"Of course not!" Griff-gruff looked insulted. "Like I don't have better things to do than play in your knicker
bag!" He pulled himself up. "And if I wanted your chocolate, like some House mascots who will go unnamed, I
would simply demand that you hand it over." Then he added as an afterthought. "Or claw your sheets to shreds
until you realized that you should give me some."

"Then how?"

"What? You think I don't talk to those two snakes? Heckle and Jeckle? Oh yes. They told me all about you."

Draco could not think of a single thing to say. Until today, he had never thought he would see an ego to rival
his father's. He took out his wand and ordered his trunk to the correct room. "Griff-gruff, could you direct me
to the prefect's rooms?"

"Up those stairs, to the left, turn around three times and face right. You can't miss it." The Griffin smiled and
gestured vaguely.

"And the password for the prefect's rooms?" He shuddered to think what the answer would be.

"Snape sucks, too!" It chuckled. Then almost as if it had heard a sound near the portrait entrance it got up and
jumped off the chair. "G'nite then, Malfoy."

"G'nite." Draco muttered as headed up the stairs.

Griff-gruff watched him leave before huffing, "Some sex-god. Ha!" Then he padded over to the entrance and
opened the door. "Hello Dobby."

***************

"Get up this instant." An icy voice , filled with disapproval broke into Hermione's dreams. She had a sinking
feeling even before she opened her eyes. She warily opened them to see Snape standing over the bed. "On your
feet, Miss Granger."


She hurriedly shrugged off the covers and stood up, pausing to stare wonderingly at Harry who was
peacefully snoring away and blissfully unaware. "Professor Snape, it isn't what you think! I-I-I was tired and
lonely so I came over here to--"

"I may be advancing in years, Miss Granger, but I know exactly what it is you came here to do."

She threw on her robe, which lay on the end of the bed. Hermione was upset he saw her in her nightgown. And
upset that he saw her in bed with Harry. And just upset in general. She couldn't recall Snape ever looking this
angry. "But you don't! Harry and I don't. We haven't. I mean, we won't!" Snape pulled his wand out and fixed it
on Harry's sleeping form. "NO!" Hermione threw herself in the line of spell. "You can't do that!"

"Yes," Spane replied sardonically "I can." He took her by the shoulders and moved her to the side. He once
more took aim. "Scaldet!" He shouted and Harry was hit with a bolt of energy, causing him to wake up with a
start.

"Bloody Hell! If you damned snakes d-" Harry stopped as he saw Snape standing next to Hermione. "Oh, it's
you."

"This is a very serious transgression, Mr. Potter." Snape announced. "In fact, you might say that this is an
expelling offence." He'd been waiting for this day for quite some time. And, for once, he was Potter's Head of
House so he could make the final decision on his punishment.

"What is? Sleeping?" He rubbed his shoulder where the bolt had hit him. "And that hurt! I didn't know
professors were allowed to zap people." He glared at him.

"You should be ashamed of yourself, Mr. Potter. Using your celebrity status to seduce hapless young women."

Hermione made an inarticulate sound of anger at being referred to as 'hapless'.

"Hermione and I weren't sleeping together. We were actually SLEEPING together." Harry said. "Why am I
always telling people this?"

Snape's mouth thinned as he took in the fully dressed students. It did make sense, come to think of it. He'd
always been a rational man. Though, he probably got here just in time to preserve Miss Granger's virtue. Potter
was probably as much of a bounder as his father had been. Not that he was going to let them off the hook.
"Regardless, the opposite sex is not allowed in the other dormitory after midnight." His face broke into a smile.
"And to help you remember that rule, twenty five points from Gryffindor." Their faces fell. "A piece." He
finished triumphantly and saw them droop even more. He lived for rare moments like these.

Snarky and Snippy came sliding into the room. "Someone got zapped already! It's not even the start of
sssschool yet." Snippy gloated.

"They're you two are." Snape said somewhat affectionately as he almost smiled at the snakes. "I trust you made
friends with Slytherin's mascots?" He asked Hermione and Harry. He held down his arm and they obediently
crawled up.

"Ewwwww, Sssssnape." They chorused again. Snippy curled around his left arm while Snarky made his way to
the professor's shoulder.

"Check it out!" Snarky said. "He's trying a new hair gel. Crisco!"

Harry put a hand to his mouth, trying to look respectful. "Don't laugh." He muttered to himself.

Snippy hissed a laugh. "It's less oily than the last one." Snarky curled around the side of Snape's face. "No, don't
do that! Don't get too close. Dammit." His compatriot started to sway from side to side. "It's Snape breath. Just
don't inhale!" Snarky fainted, coming to rest around Snape's neck. "Oohh." The snake winced in sympathy for
his friend and then stared at Harry. "Why are you standing there, Potter? Get the man some mouth wash!"

Harry stifled another burst of laughter.

"Curious. They always faint when they get on my shoulder." Snape muttered. "Must be that infernal respiratory
problem of theirs. They're always making this 'thee. . .thee. . .thee' sound. Could be asthma."

"Professor?" Hermione said. "Snakes, uh, don't breathe. At least not like we do. Maybe we can have Harry ask
them what's wrong."

Snippy hurtled toward Hermione at a fast pace and leaped on her. "Ack!" "Shhhhh!" The snake sent a
beseeching look at Harry. "Tell Medusa here not to blow our cover! He'll chop us up and put us in a potion if he
finds out what we've been saying."

"These are magical snakes, Miss Granger. They are not the same as the ones your parents have in their garden."
The professor walked over calmly and began removing the snake from her person. It seemed to have a death
grip on her sweater with its small tail.

Hermione wasn't sure if she was more afraid of the snake or that cool touch of his. He took great care not to
frighten the snake further. He also seemed aware of her fear and made his movements slow and purposefully
impersonal. "Thank you, Professor." She noted that Snape was absurdly gentle with the creature. He even
stroked the snake to calm it down because the thing was quaking with fear.

Snippy struggled. "He's got me! He's gonna breathe on me. Help! HELP!!!!!" He pleaded with Harry. "You're a
hero, right? Come on, save me! SAVE ME!" Snape brought him up to his shoulder. The snake mumbled through
a very tightly closed mouth. "If he exhales I'm a goner."

Harry's mouth was trembling with suppressed laughter. Of course, he didn't like the snakes. They'd eaten his
chocolate frogs and stolen his watch but he wasn't going to sit by while the poor defenseless thing was
subjected to Snape's Death Breath. On further study, maybe that halitosis curse he'd performed on the professor
with Ron's help in their fifth year wasn't such a good idea. There was no reason to inflict his breath on the
populace. "Can I see that snake, Professor?"

"Aren't you afraid it'll bite you?" He drawled, thinking he might give a few years of his life to see that.

Snippy screamed. "Don't make him talk!"

Harry bit his lip and looked away. "Is that snake talking to you, Mr. Potter? Can you speak with it?"

"Sorta." Harry admitted.

"Traitor!" Snippy stuck out his tongue at him and gasped, before putting it back in his mouth and mumbling
once more. "Get me out of here, Potter."

"Well?" Snape snapped. "What did he say?"

"They're. . .uh. . . .afraid of heights. Yeah, afraid of heights."

Snape plucked the snake from his shoulder so that he could speak with it, beady eye to beady eye. "I had no
idea." He said gravely.

"I'm in the danger zone!" It's eyes widened. "Oh, God. He'sssss gonna put me in there, isn't he?" He said, staring
at his mouth. "This is my punishment. . .for all that candy I've stolen and the mean things I said."

Harry walked over . "Why don't I take him out for some fresh air?"

"Goodbye, cruel world." Snippy said, eyes still fixed on the malodorous, gaping maw he was convinced he was
about to be put in to. His eyes fixed on his friend. "Goodbye, Snarky. You were the bestest pal ever."

Professor Snape handed Snippy over and took the other snake, which had been lolling against his neck ,and
handed it to his student. "See that he gets some too."

Snippy nearly fainted with relief. "Hallelujah! As God as my witness. . .I will never be close to anything that
stinky again!" Snarky started to come to. "It's alright, Snarky. It's all going to be alright." With a dramatic
flourish, he ended by resting his head on Harry's wrist. "After all, tomorrow is another day."

Harry permitted himself a small chuckle. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." Snape fixed him with a look
and he beat a hasty retreat.

As soon as Harry left, Hermione gave in to her curiosity. "So, why were you in the dormitories? I thought that
professors only used the common rooms."

Snape colored but had the presence of mind to say. "If I waited for you and Potter to arrive, they may have
found my corpse there." He straightened his spine and stood to his full height. Hermione thought that, out of
the dampness of the dungeons, he appeared almost handsome. Intimidating but handsome.

Snape was alarmed when he didn't see them downstairs enjoying the breakfast the house elves had left. He
wondered if perhaps Volde had had been able to penetrate Hogwarts defenses and make off with Potter. It was
a silly notion but he was exceptionally cautious these days. Then, he'd heard noises in Potter's room and had
dashed into the room only to find them entwined with one another, which he found exceptionally loathsome.
And it wasn't just seeing Potter in his pajamas either.

"I see." Hermione said. She wasn't buying it. Maybe he'd been spying on them, looking for a way to take more
away House points.

"Actually, I have an agenda for both of you." He handed her two rolls of parchment. "Get dressed and have
something to eat. You will meet me in the dungeon at ten." He turned on his heel and exited the room.

**********

Hermione couldn't even enjoy her delicious breakfast. She kept cringing every time she replayed the scene in
her mind. The house eleves had set out a platter of still-warm donuts. There was another platter of toasted
bagels and a container of thick cream cheese. There was also a teapot full of fragrant English Breakfast Tea. A
large urn held coffee.

Harry came in to see her listlessly nibbling the edge of a bagel. "Are you alright?" All in all, he was feeling
pretty good. And he'd gotten the snakes out of his room by depositing them in one of the other rooms. He'd
even managed to annoy Snape. And he hadn't even had breakfast yet! "What's wrong, Hermione?"

"Nothing." She tossed him a scroll. "That's your assignment. "

"Come on, tell me. What is it?"

"Professor Snape hates me."

"Well, if its any consolation, I think he hates me more."

Hermione scowled. "Be serious. Harry, he thinks we. . ."

"Were within seconds of shagging?" Harry waggled his eyebrows at Hermione's look of abject horror. He
scratched his chin thoughtfully, remembering how thrown Snape had been. "I say we play this up. Put in some inn innuendos. It'd be worth the House points just to see him lose it."

"I'd say you've lost your mind." Hermione jumped up from her seat and poured a cup of coffee in a carry away
container. "I'm going to the dungeon to help him with his potions and try to repair the damage."

Harry was mystified. "Why do you care what he thinks?"

"Because. . ." She stomped out to the exit. "Because I just do!"