In The Life Of A Potions Master

Chapter 2
Sad Heart

Severus looked at the lake, how thght ght was soft across the water and the giant squid floated at the surfs. He had been here for six years; yet, he still didn’t belong. He looked at the lake again; neither did the squid and yet it was there. He wished he could be that squid sometimes, but not today. Today he was happy; he was going to meet Sandra, the one person that made it worth being here. She was worth the torture he endured for her, he loved her and damn any Slytherin who didn’t like it.

His life was his own, now. He spent his summers in his house, or at his summer home. He didn’t answer to anyone. He loved the privacy of his life, the simple solitude that was his new way. But he would give that up for Sandra. He would let her into his life, give her his life; all she had to do was say yes.

Gods am I actually going to do this, if she says yes she takes my privacy, if she says no she takes my heart

He wanted her in his life. She never let him down. If he was sad she made him happy; if he was hurt she healed him. She was his most trusted. That was why he was nervous; if he let her down he would never forgive himself. That was his greatest fear, his biggest down fall, his greatest weakness, and greatest strength. He was used to things being simple. His potions never caused him a moment’s doubt; they were simple, add this, stir this number of times, and brew for this long. Not like all that foolish wand waving. Gods he hated wand work. Except defense against the dark arts, that was useful. But everything else, who the hell needs to turn a mouse into a snuff box, just go and buy one.

Okay, he would admit it he was nervous; he was down right scared. And were the hell was she? Sandra was never late; she was always early to avoid tardiness. But she wasn’t here; she should have been here an hour ago, should have heard his question, should have… Did she know? Was this her way of turning him down, or did she just forget? Maybe she had just forgotten, it wasn’t as if their visits had always been completely discussed, they just meet on Wednesdays, and maybe something came up.

He stood up and started back to the school, he knew breakfast was soon, he could look to the Ravenclaw table and make sure she was all right. Maybe she was having another problem with her health; it wouldn’t be the first time. He walked along the empty grounds, a cool breeze blowing across the open field when he saw a figure moving toward him. He knew him well, tall with a long beard, grayed with age, half moon spectacles low on the bridge of his crooked nose. His purple robes flapped idly in the breeze. Albus Dumbledore was walking toward him, a grim look on his face. Severus felt his heart skip a beat. Professor Dumbledore knew that Severus met Sandra on the grounds; he had suggested it.

“Severus,” Albus looked at him, sorrow in his eyes. “I need you to come with me.”

“What has happened sir?” Severus was worried but his voice betrayed nothing.

“It’s Sandra my boy, she is ill.” Albus’ voice cracked as a tear fell into his beard. “It’s terminal Severus; you need to go to her.”

Severus took off across the field, his long legs moving faster then he could remember, his arms pumping for speed. He flung the doors to the entry hall open; they clanged loudly against the walls as he ran up the stairs to the infirmarys sis side hurt; his breathing was raspy as he flew into the quiet ward of the infirmary. Madam Pomfery looked at him from the side of a bed; he slowed to a walk, long strides caring him to the bed.

“She’s been asking for you son. I’ll be in my office, if you need me all you have to do is say my name.” Poppy’s eyes were watery and full of sorrow, but Severus could see that she was fighting hard to keep the tears from falling before she got back to the privacy of her office.

He moved to the bed; his legs felt week as he moved to sit by the bed. Sandra was pale, her long auburn hair matted to her face. Her eyes though, they were the same, her soft blue eyes, glazed but still powerful. He loved that blue; it looked like metal, deep and rich, yet soft, always soft, and so loving. He could feel the love in her gaze.

“Severus love, is that you?” Her voice sounded the same, it flowed from her lips like silk against flesh, it was deep and husky, but week, so week.

“Yes love, I am here.” His voice betrayed nothing, but his tears were falling in a steady stream.

“I can’t see you love,” she reached out for him. He move her her, getting up from his seat to sit on her bed and hold her hand.

“What’s happening Sandra?”

“Severus you silly man, I’m dying,” her voice was calm, no sign of fear. “I’ve been dying for sometime now.” Her gaze went on forever, staring past Severus as if some distant object held her attention.

“You’ve gone blind haven’t you love?” His voice cracked as he spoke, the tears coming faster.

“Yes. Don’t cry Severus, please don’t cry.”

“I am not crying.”

“Yes you are, or you’re sweating really bad.” She smiled at him, and he saw traces of red against the white of her teeth.

“Sa, I , I can’t lose you, not yet. I wanted to grow old with you; I wanted to spend my life with you. There has to be something.”

“Lover, friend, my dearest friend, you know there isn’t. You know that this...”

Severus cut her off, his voice breaking as hell yelled. “There must be something, we’re wizards. A potion or a charm, some foolish wand waving that will save you, which will let you be with me! THERE HAS TO BE!” Sandra was holding him tightly as he sobbed against her shoulder. “Why? Why now? Why not twenty years from now? Why today?”

“What’s wrong with today love, there isn’t a good day to die, there never is.” Her voice was quiet, calming, soothing to the shattered heart the Severus had given her.

“I was going to give you this.” He pulled the small red velvet bag from his pocket and handing it to her. “Sandra Aliana Santine, will you marry me?”

“Severus, of course I will, but you do remember I’m dying her.”

“How the hell can you keep joking like this?”

“What else am I going to do? Cry and plead for my life, there isn’t anything to be done so I will just go on. Just stay with me.”

“Madam Pomfery.” Severus wasn’t sure what to expect but she had said to call for her if needed, and he needed her now.

Poppy walked out of her office and to the couple, “Yes dear, is there something you need?”

“Can you please ask the headmaster to join us? I need to speak with him.”

“Of course I can,” Poppy handed Severus a hanky and left the room.

“Why do you need the headmaster?” Sandra tried to look curious but had missed her mark and looked of toward a picture of a nurse caring for a small child.

“I am not losing the chance to marry you,” He sound like himself again, his control returning.

“You are good at accepting fate, Love.”

Albus enter the infirmary not long after Poppy had left, his look still grim but curiosity played in his eyes.

“You need me, Severus?”

“Yes, Professor, we wished to be married.”

“Of course, I will need to floo the ministry, though, they need to give r per permission before hand.”

Dumbledore left to Madam Pomfery’s office. He came back several minutes latter holding a scroll, a smile lighting his face even thought his eyes still held unshed tears.

“Are you ready?”

“Hell no! Severus, wand me a wedding dress and fix my hair. I’m not being in a hospital gown when I get married.” She was grinning as she heard the low growl and movement of fabric.

Severus started moving his wand, the strokes slow and loving, and the fabrics around her changed into a gown fit for a queen. It was silk, low cut defining the swell of her breast; the silk shimmered in the glow of sun light that filled the room. The dress was fitted to her, flowing over the curve of her hips and down her legs. Her hair dried and curled, the ringlets flowing around her face.

Sandra started to cough, sputterinood ood on the white fabric, the crimson staining the fabric. Poppy rushed over to her side a vile in hand. Sandra tried to drink the potion but couldn’t.

She smiled. Blood stained the corner of her. “We need to hurry.” She started to cough again.

“Very well, dear. Poppy, you will need to stay to witness their wedding,” Albus took a moment to collect himself tbegabegan. “Marriage is a blessed union of two souls, the love you each share for one another is a bond that goes beyond a simple ritual such as this. It is a bond that carries you through the hardest times.”

Sandra began to cough again, more blood spilling as she did. Poppy held her wand and cleaned the fluid away and cast charms to sooth her throat.

“Severus, do you take Sandra to be your wife, to share your sorrows and joys, to live for her, to keep her when things aard ard and times are dark?”

“I do,” he held Sandra tightly as her body was racked with trembles, her skin was cold, and she had lost all color.

“Sandra, do you take Severus to be your husband, to share your sorrows and joys, to live for him, to keep him when things are hard and times are dark?”

“I do,” her eyes were flooded with tears as crimson spotted under her nostrils.

“Then by the power vested in me by the Ministry of Magic, I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride,” Albus felt the tears falling as he watched the young couple.

Severus leaned in and pressed his lips to hers. Her lips parted to him as his tongue touched her lips. Tentatively his tongue entered her; his arms wrapped around her, holding her to him, her body trembling. Then it stopped, her arms fell from his neck, her head tilting back, her body going limp in Severus’ arms. Severus began to cry tears falling to his bride. He pulled her to him holding her close sobbing against her silent body.

She was now empty, her body just a shell. He wouldn’t let her go though, he couldn’t, not yet. He need her still, he need her to be with him to tell him how to survive this, he needed her in his life, he needed her to hold him now, need her to comfort him threw this pain. He felt empty, felt lost, he couldn’t find anything worth living for now and needed her back.

“Severus, it’s time to let her go.” Albus’ voice was broken as he placed his hand.

“No, I can’t let her go, not yet.”

“Son, Poppy needs to get her ready.”

“You fucking monster, leave me alone. Just leave me alone.”

Severus didn’t care who he hurt all he needed was Sandra. All he wanted was Sandra.


Hermione awoke, tears streaming down her face. She felt a loss she couldn’t explain. Severus was lying next to her, his expression pained. He was looking at her, his face wet with the tears of a long nights dream.

“You never told me about her,” Hermione wasn’t hurt, she wanted to know him.

“No, I don’t talk about it. She was my love; I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. You had the same dream. That means the dark lord used the dream transference; it is a bonding spell death eaters used during weddings.”

“What does that mean?”

“Oh it’s simple we will share each others pains, loses, fears, all of it. You’re going to know everything about me. Aren’t you happy?”

“Yes.”

“Hermione, I have had a hard life. There are many things that have happened to me that you will wish you had never seen. I have done things that you will hate me for.”

“Don’t be stupid, Severus, you are going to share my pains too, and I will never hate you.”

“We shall see,” he looked deeply into her eyes, trying to pass understanding. “We have to get Albus to cast the rest of the spell. If you live my pains you must live my joys as well. I want you to understand what it is you are about to see.

Hermione smirked, “You just want dirt on Harry.”

“I do not,” his tone was short but easy.

“Admit it, you want to know all those little secrets about Harry so you can torture him with the fact that you know.” Her voice was filled with a giggle; Severus couldn’t resist the urge to smile.

“Well it will be nice to torture young Potter with the fact that I know so much about him,” Severus laughed, the sound low and rolling into the air.

“So what was she like?” Hermione looked nervous, but wanted to know the man in front of her.

Severus stopped laughing; his face became an emotionless wall once more. “She was a lovely person, Hermione.” His voice was cold, his eyes searing heat with the hidden message that this subject was not to be discussed.

“Severus, love, talk to me, tell me about her. I want to know,” She was almost pleading with him.

“Hermione, I don’t wish to remember things that are painful.” His voice was harsh andtingting, he watched his lover recoil from him. “I’m sorry, Hermione, I am going for a walk.” He stood to leave.

“Please, don’t go.” She hadn’t thought he would be hurt, but after their time together she could see the subtle differences in his features. The way his eyes seemed to sag, the way his lips seemed to twist into a slight frown.

“No, I am going for a walk. Please understand, Hermione.” He dressed quickly and left the room, stalking quickly threw the halls, the same halls he always fled to when memories of Sandra surfaced, but these halls held nothing today.

Severus made his way across the grounds, memories swirling about his mind like a pensive. He could take pain, ridicule, torture on a grand level, but he could never take this. He made his way to the lake, the small hill top looked untouched by the many years that had passed; its grassy cover untouched over the summer holiday. He sat and looked over the waters, the sun played across the surface causing each ripple to stand out like the silver of some long lost treasure. The squid patrolled the surface looking for something to hold its interests.

She had loved that squid. It was an odd fascination she had had; she came to think of it as something of a kindred sprit, sitting alone and being misunderstood. She had loved a lot about this school; he sometimes wondered if that was why he stayed here after so many years. True he enjoyed teaching, he just didn’t enjoy students, and he wanted to teach a higher level of potions, something that was challenging.

Why then, why of all the times in his life did she have to leave him then, he wasn’t a strong person, he hadn’t had the strength necessary to keep her here. If he had just been stronger she wouldn’t have died, she would have lived. There had to be something; Some potion, some stupid wand trick, something that would have saved her, something that would have kept her here with him.

Then there was Hermione. He loved her; he had no doubts about that. She was smart, funny, and beautiful, all the things he loved about a woman. He wanted to stay with her forever, wanted to be with her ‘til his last days. But now, now she knew about Sandra. She knew about his little secret, the one that only Albus and Poppy knew about.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want her to know; he just didn’t want to be the one to tell her. It hurt; the wound was still fresh to him. Even in his darkest hours, he still found his way back here to the little hill that he had first kissed Sandra, first made love to her. The place he had told her about the nightmare that was his life, told her about all the things his housemates had done to him.

He even had a soft spot for all those bothersome little know it all Ravenclaws. All their questions, their constant string of answers, their high and mighty knowledge of all things magic, the spot wasn’t soft enough for him to like them, but it was there no the less. It was his way of holding on to something of Sandra, something that was hers and hers alone. He couldn’t even look Flitwick in the eyes, not since that day, not since the day she had left, the day she had died.


“Severus, it’s time to let her go. She’s gone from us, please son, let her go.” Albus pleaded for what felt like the millionth time, he had left Severus alone after his outburst it was only right to give the boy time to grieve.

“NO! Just leave me, please just leave me, she’s not gone, I can bring her back, something, anything, a potion maybe, something we hadn’t thought of, some stupid nonsense with a wand, something anything.” His voice was pleading, begging for some hope

Flitwick walked into the infirmary, the signs of tears evident in his eyes. He walked to the headmaster his short legs walking the distance in what seamed to be slow motion, as if he had lost the will to move. Albus looked down at Filius, his normal cheery demeanor gone with the loss of the day.

“I’ve told the students, Albus,” His squeaky voice came out in a low defeated tone. “The Ravenclaws have gone back to their dormitories for the day; I didn’t think you would mind me excusing them from classes.”

“Not at all Filius, it is best to give them time to grieve,” Albus was back to his normal stance; he had to be strong for the students.

Severus listened to the conversation; his mind a million miles away, his thoughts reaching desperately for anything to bring his love back from the beyond and into his arms. He hadn’t even gotten to say goodbye. He hated that word, goodbye, so final, something he never wanted to say again, he had decided this, even if it meant he had to stay in a conversation with the entire house of Slytherin he wouldn’t use that hated word, ever.

“Mister Snape, please, I know you need to grieve as well, but it’s time to get her ready, we need to prepare the body….”

Filius was cut off quickly by the sudden pain of the crucio. His body shuddered under the pain the spell caused, Severus wanted to hurt him, he was trying to take her away. He dropped the crucio, raising his wand high into the air.

“ADVADA…”

Albus reacted in an instant red light string Severus squarely in the chest. He fell back, Sandra still clutched in his arms.


When he had awoken they had finished preparing her for burial. She looked so much like herself, so alive. He had been nothing more then a shadow at the funeral, tears stinging his eyes as they lowered her. Even Filius had tried to talk to him, to tell him that he held no anger toward him for what he had done. But Severus did, he hated him self for what he had done. Ever day sense it had happened he hated himself for what he had done. He had tried to kill such a kind and sweet man, and for what, to hold on to lost hope.

Severus felt a hand on his shoulder, firm yet tender, not the hand of a woman, a grandfatherly hand.

“Hermione told me I’d find you here. You never let her go did you, Severus?” Filius looked at him, his eyes searching the depths that were the dark orbs Severus held for eyes.

“No, Filius, I never did, not even after…”

“Severus, you were hurt and angry, do not blame yourself for your reaction. Can I tell you something?” He looked at the man in front of him, a small smile peaking his lips.

“Well, Filius I dare say that even if I wished to leave I couldn’t, my legs of cramped.”

“When my wife passed I sent three of the healers bouncing down the halls before they stunned me. It hurts to lose someone you love so much. But it’s a joyous thing when you find someone who will love you. Hermione is worried about you; you should go back to the school,” he patted Severus on the shoulder and left him to his thoughts, leaving him to once again dwell on his life.

He hadn’t even worn something besides black since she had died; he was still grieving her, after all these years. How long had it been really? Eighteen years teaching, plus two as an apprentice to that old halfwit Druggery. Gods he missed her. There wasn’t a day that went by that he didn’t think about her; there wasn’t a moment that he didn’t wish he could just see her face. He would give everything just to hear her voice, but then that was his little secret.

He watched the sun, watched it sink lower into the horizon, watched it bring with it the one thing that for sstrastrange reason he had started to look forward to. The soft shimmer of light started slowly, then built, the sun sank till the last rays of light made their feeble attempt to light the sky, the shimmer began to take form, the sky darkened leaving the beginnings of evening.

“How’s it, Snivillus?” Sirius smirked at the unamused face of Severus.

“Living here, and how are you, Black… oh wait that’s right dead.” Severus smirked at the ghost of his once enemy.

“So you’re thinking about Sandy again. Gods, Severus, your with Hermione now. Get a life. Hell I’m dead and have a better life then you,” Severus smirked at the snarkyness of the comment.

“Indeed, and yet you wait here for a glimpse of Potter, such a wonderful life. I’ve tried to let him know, Sirius, he is too thick headed. How is she?” He had asked that question every night for two years now; it was something of a comfort to hear what he knew would come.

“She thinks you’re a bloody git, now unass the ground and take care of Hermione. Snape, seriously, she is happy, she is well, she wants you to move on. Now go, obviously Harry isn’t coming so I am, I have women to charm, maybe when you get to the aftife ife you won’t be such a git!” Sirius smirked and faded from view.

He may hate the man, but even he had to admit, only to himself, that he was intelligent especially in concerns to women. How many laughs would be had at his expense if people found out he was talking to Sirius Black, and worse yet about women. He knew there would be more then he could count in a life time. One day he was just going to drag Potter here, sit him down, and force him to wait till the sunset. Be done with the prat, but then again one day he was also going to just chuck it all and start a small lab in the middle of no were England, yes life would be good then.

Sandra had always told him that he needed to be strong in life, to take care of himself. Now he needed to follow that advice, he needed to be strong, he needed to be Severus Snape, not little Severus the wiping post. He had to make his life his own once more, to move forward, to remember the past and not let it rule him. First thing he needed to do, give Filius that charms book he had been saving as an apology. Then marry the little know it all Gryffindor that he so loves.