Harry Potter and the Occidental Ranger
folder
Harry Potter › Het - Male/Female
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
6
Views:
5,170
Reviews:
5
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Harry Potter › Het - Male/Female
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
6
Views:
5,170
Reviews:
5
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Chapter 1 The Night Before
Chapter 1 The Night Before
“What the heck is that?” Harry asked Fred Weasley, before the prankster was able to sneak a thick, five-inch long tube back under his robes.
“Damn! Quiet, Harry!” Fred hissed out a bit loudly, grabbing a handful of Harry’s robe and dragging him over to a corner of the Gryffindor common room. Just as Harry was about to be slammed into the wall, George too grabbed a handful of robe, rapidly stopping Harry from a perilous full-body fender-bender.
“Top secret, ol’ boy,” declared George, as Fred hesitantly brought the tube back out from under his robe for Harry to see.
“What the hell is it?” Harry asked, tentatively lifting a hand to touch it but suddenly thinking better of it, knowing Fred and George Weasley as he did.
Fred flashed Harry one of his most devious grins. “We call it the Atomic Bowel Loosener Evacuator. Brand new and untested. A real show stopper.”
“Sure to please. We were just now figuring out where to give it a good field test,” added George, with an even more devious grin, if that were possible.
“We call it ABLE for short, cause it’s able to knock the shit out of anybody,” said Fred.
“An Atomic, what?” Harry asked.
“An Atomic Bowel Loosener and Evacuator,” repeated Fred. “When this miracle of advanced fizgig research goes off, anybody standing, sitting, lying or fornicating close by is gonna shit the mother of all turds.” Both Fred and George began cackling over the very thought of i
“Y
“Yeah! It’s bound to be awesome,” added George.
“You guys are two sick fuckers,” Harry laughed out, shaking his head.
“Thanks, Harry!” George said. “We’ll be sure to add that to our customer comments page.”
“Yeah! We figure our customers deserve proven products only after they’ve been rigorously field tested,” Fred replied, nodding his head in fiendish delight. “Our seal of approval must mean something, after all.”
“So who’s the unsuspecting victim to be this time?”
“Madam Toad, of course,” said George.
“There’d been a bit of a problem, but we got it licked,” Fruickuickly added. “We’ve just worked out how to set it off and not be too close. Dreadful it’d be, I must say, if that happened.”
“Yeah, a real stickler that was. Ya see, we figure Toaddy’ll not only drop a big ol’ lunker in ‘er shorts but might throw a fearsome bit of spray. Well, you caaginagine how nasty that’d be, with the wrong drafts and all.”
“Yeah, just too many fuckin’ variables,” Fred added with a grin.
Harry’s eyes suddenly opened wide with inspiration. “Listen, maybe you can help me out then.”
“What?” George asked.
“I’ve got to get back into Umbridge’s office. How about first thing tomorrow afternoon? Right after classes are finished? Give me five or ten minutes to get set. How ‘bout that?” Harry hopefully asked.
“Can do!” Freplreplied with a grin. “But remember, she’ll be rushin’ damn pronto to change her bloomers. You can be fuckin’ sure of that. Best not take too long.”
“Yeah, okay,” Harry said. “And thanks.”
“Least we can do for our most endearing and generous benefactor,” George replied, patting Harry about his shoulder.
Harry quickly gathered up the few things he had about the table and ran upstairs to bed. Noticing it was well after midnight when he crawled under the sheets, his last conscious thoughts were delightful images of the Majestic Toad waddling along with her bloomers wrapped tightly about her ankles and dragging along the mother of all lunkers.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Hours later:
Miles away from Hogwarts, within the secret dungeon at Malfoy’s Manor, a blond-headed megalomaniac bowed before his master. Around them were a number of the Dark Lord’s most vicious henchmen. Those in attendance included the recent escapees from Azkaban: Antonin Dolohov, Augustus Rockwood, Bellatrix Lastrange, among others. Also present was Macnair, one of many eyes and ears within the Ministry of Magic.
“Potter will be at the Ministry by dark; I’ll make certain of that,” the Dark Lord hissed. His red, reptilian eyes could be seen blazing unblinkingly through the eyeholes of his black hood. “You will bring him and the prophecy to me as soon as he lifts it from the shelf. Guard the sphere with your life, Lucius.”
“And if Potter should be accompanied by his mudblood twits?” Malfoy asked.
“They are of no use to me! Kill the lot, if you wish!” Voldemort exclaimed. All around him, his followers trembled in fear.
“As you wish, Master,” Malfoy replied, bowing low and humbly.
Voldemort lifted and swirled his long black robe around his shoulder and disappeared in an instant.
“Why did you have to mention the fuckin’ mudbloods, Lucius? You should have known it would anger him,” Macnair asked.
“I’ve made plans for one of them, that is why!” Malfoy shouted back.
“Don’t upset the master’s plan, Lucius. There’ll be plenty of mudbloods to amuse yourself with later - - - and on your own time,” Belatrix Lastrange added with a smirk.
“This is a special mudblood. She’s been a thorn in my son’s side for years, and I despise her pompous attitude. It’s time she got a little special treatment. The Granger girl thinks she’s as good as any pureblood. She’ll soon think differently, and I’ll enjoy every fuckin’ minute of it,” Lucius Malfoy fired back. “Now leave me. We’ve much to do tomorrow. We must rest.”
In a back corner of the dungeon, an uninvited and unseen guest had also been in attendance. He needed ask no questions. He had just witnessed great evil at work and knew all there was to know. Soon, he realized, the die would be cast.
“What the heck is that?” Harry asked Fred Weasley, before the prankster was able to sneak a thick, five-inch long tube back under his robes.
“Damn! Quiet, Harry!” Fred hissed out a bit loudly, grabbing a handful of Harry’s robe and dragging him over to a corner of the Gryffindor common room. Just as Harry was about to be slammed into the wall, George too grabbed a handful of robe, rapidly stopping Harry from a perilous full-body fender-bender.
“Top secret, ol’ boy,” declared George, as Fred hesitantly brought the tube back out from under his robe for Harry to see.
“What the hell is it?” Harry asked, tentatively lifting a hand to touch it but suddenly thinking better of it, knowing Fred and George Weasley as he did.
Fred flashed Harry one of his most devious grins. “We call it the Atomic Bowel Loosener Evacuator. Brand new and untested. A real show stopper.”
“Sure to please. We were just now figuring out where to give it a good field test,” added George, with an even more devious grin, if that were possible.
“We call it ABLE for short, cause it’s able to knock the shit out of anybody,” said Fred.
“An Atomic, what?” Harry asked.
“An Atomic Bowel Loosener and Evacuator,” repeated Fred. “When this miracle of advanced fizgig research goes off, anybody standing, sitting, lying or fornicating close by is gonna shit the mother of all turds.” Both Fred and George began cackling over the very thought of i
“Y
“Yeah! It’s bound to be awesome,” added George.
“You guys are two sick fuckers,” Harry laughed out, shaking his head.
“Thanks, Harry!” George said. “We’ll be sure to add that to our customer comments page.”
“Yeah! We figure our customers deserve proven products only after they’ve been rigorously field tested,” Fred replied, nodding his head in fiendish delight. “Our seal of approval must mean something, after all.”
“So who’s the unsuspecting victim to be this time?”
“Madam Toad, of course,” said George.
“There’d been a bit of a problem, but we got it licked,” Fruickuickly added. “We’ve just worked out how to set it off and not be too close. Dreadful it’d be, I must say, if that happened.”
“Yeah, a real stickler that was. Ya see, we figure Toaddy’ll not only drop a big ol’ lunker in ‘er shorts but might throw a fearsome bit of spray. Well, you caaginagine how nasty that’d be, with the wrong drafts and all.”
“Yeah, just too many fuckin’ variables,” Fred added with a grin.
Harry’s eyes suddenly opened wide with inspiration. “Listen, maybe you can help me out then.”
“What?” George asked.
“I’ve got to get back into Umbridge’s office. How about first thing tomorrow afternoon? Right after classes are finished? Give me five or ten minutes to get set. How ‘bout that?” Harry hopefully asked.
“Can do!” Freplreplied with a grin. “But remember, she’ll be rushin’ damn pronto to change her bloomers. You can be fuckin’ sure of that. Best not take too long.”
“Yeah, okay,” Harry said. “And thanks.”
“Least we can do for our most endearing and generous benefactor,” George replied, patting Harry about his shoulder.
Harry quickly gathered up the few things he had about the table and ran upstairs to bed. Noticing it was well after midnight when he crawled under the sheets, his last conscious thoughts were delightful images of the Majestic Toad waddling along with her bloomers wrapped tightly about her ankles and dragging along the mother of all lunkers.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Hours later:
Miles away from Hogwarts, within the secret dungeon at Malfoy’s Manor, a blond-headed megalomaniac bowed before his master. Around them were a number of the Dark Lord’s most vicious henchmen. Those in attendance included the recent escapees from Azkaban: Antonin Dolohov, Augustus Rockwood, Bellatrix Lastrange, among others. Also present was Macnair, one of many eyes and ears within the Ministry of Magic.
“Potter will be at the Ministry by dark; I’ll make certain of that,” the Dark Lord hissed. His red, reptilian eyes could be seen blazing unblinkingly through the eyeholes of his black hood. “You will bring him and the prophecy to me as soon as he lifts it from the shelf. Guard the sphere with your life, Lucius.”
“And if Potter should be accompanied by his mudblood twits?” Malfoy asked.
“They are of no use to me! Kill the lot, if you wish!” Voldemort exclaimed. All around him, his followers trembled in fear.
“As you wish, Master,” Malfoy replied, bowing low and humbly.
Voldemort lifted and swirled his long black robe around his shoulder and disappeared in an instant.
“Why did you have to mention the fuckin’ mudbloods, Lucius? You should have known it would anger him,” Macnair asked.
“I’ve made plans for one of them, that is why!” Malfoy shouted back.
“Don’t upset the master’s plan, Lucius. There’ll be plenty of mudbloods to amuse yourself with later - - - and on your own time,” Belatrix Lastrange added with a smirk.
“This is a special mudblood. She’s been a thorn in my son’s side for years, and I despise her pompous attitude. It’s time she got a little special treatment. The Granger girl thinks she’s as good as any pureblood. She’ll soon think differently, and I’ll enjoy every fuckin’ minute of it,” Lucius Malfoy fired back. “Now leave me. We’ve much to do tomorrow. We must rest.”
In a back corner of the dungeon, an uninvited and unseen guest had also been in attendance. He needed ask no questions. He had just witnessed great evil at work and knew all there was to know. Soon, he realized, the die would be cast.