Snapey Went A Courting

Snapey Went A Courting

Chapter Two – Muddling through the Muggle Way


It all belongs to Rowling, except what you don’t recognize.

“Coming back to you now, Daddy?” Lupin smirked.


Snape raised his face to his tormentor and scowled. “You’re having me on, aren’t you? Or was this joke Potter’s idea?”

Lupin shrugged. “I only wish. She had such a promising future and now, she seems determined to leave the Wizarding world behind her.”

Snape was still not buying it. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“Harry only found out during one of her Braxton-Hicks today, when she started cursing the fact that you’d ever been born.”

“Braxton-what?” asked Snape feeling a bit out of his depth.

“It’s sort of the body practicing for labor. Then her water broke and then she really started in on you. Harry lost it and left to to find me. He wanted my help in killing you. Good thing you arrived after he left. I was able to talk him out of it. I convinced him that Hermione really needed his support which he could not give if he were in some holding cell awaiting sentencing for your homicide.”

“Harry would have killed me?” He chuckled.

“Perhaps just a really good hexing. Still, I managed to convince him that your hide wasn’t worth it, so he returned to Hermione. Hmm. I wonder if it will be a long labor? They are using some sort of Muggle technique.”

“No.” Snape slapped his had down on the table. “You are not telling me that an intelligent young Witch like Hermione would give herself over to the Muggles.” Snape felt his left eye begin to twitch. “You are lying. If, and I say if, she were indeed having a child, I would find her at St. Mungo’s.”

“Well, it’s no concern of yours, is it?” Lupin stared down into his empty whiskey glass. “She doesn’t want any father for the child. I tried many times to talk some sense into her, but her parents are completely on her side. They love her returning to them, and now to have a grandchild in the bargain. Well—“

Snape stood up. “You are lying. This is some ruse. Some game. You said it yourself—a joke!” His hands trembled but he pointed his wand at Lupin anyway.

“Oh do calm yourself and sit down. You are making a scene and this isn’t the Hogs Head. Rosmerta will have us tossed us out on our collective arses shortly.”

Snape cut a look towards the bar and sat. “So, I’m to be a father.” He said it mostly to hear the sound of the word, ‘father’.

“No. You are not to be a father. I don’t know what happened between you two. Harry might be able to find out, between contractions, although I highly doubt it. I just explained that Hermione doesn’t want a father, especially a Wizarding one. Harry offered to marry her. I even offered. She doesn’t want there to be one. And her parents support her one hundred percent on this. They are hoping that she’ll move in with them so they can help out while she finishes her studies.”

“Studies? What? She is attending Muggle University?”

“It’s a special pre-medical orientated college that is a fast track towards being a dentist. Five years and she’ll be done.”

“Dentist?”

“A Medi-witch for teeth.”

“Ahh.” Snape sat back. The sense of unreality was beginning to depart.

He cleared his throat. “If she doesn’t want a father, why are you telling me?”

“Well, Severus, that’s the joke part. Harry wanted to kill you, and I said knowing that a Muggle-born was about to give birth to your son would kill you. Be honest. You don’t want fatherhood. But the idea that that child is fifty percent pure blood really does bothers you.”

“You are wrong.” And then the word sunk in. “SON!” Snape’s head swam. A son, he was having a son.

“Come on Severus. Knowing that a Snape is going to be raised as a Muggle, living among the Muggles that doesn’t gripe you?”

“I made my peace with my background when I accepted Dumbledore’s offer to join the Order. I’ve never looked back.” Snape was feeling edgy. “Look Lupin, it’s getting on. If this isn’t a joke, I need to join her. She needs potions and I have to make sure my… son receives proper medical attention. If you are joking I’ll never forgive you. But if you are telling the truth and she’s doing something so stupid as going to a Muggle Hospital…”

“I didn’t say Muggle Hospital. She’s having a homebirth with Harry assisting. It’s some sort of Muggle technique called husband coached childbirth. Harry is standing in as a surrogate father in attendance.”

“For the love of all that’s decent, tell me where to find ‘em.” Snape’s voice went low and dangerous. The idea of Harry as a stand in for himself made him feel ill.

“I don’t know, some sort of Hippy-type commune throwback. The Sunshine Farming Collective or something.”

Snape stood, “I’ll find it and get her to Poppy.”

Lupin also stood coming almost nose-to-nose with Snape over the table. “You’ll have to duel me first. Hermione doesn’t want you and she doesn’t want your interference. I only told you because both Harry and I agreed that you probably wouldn’t do anything.” Lupin’s face was stern.

“So you misjudged. If that child is mine, then it will be raised as befitting a Snape.”

“Leave off, Severus. She doesn’t want to hear from you right now, maybe in time. I mean she finally told Harry about you, that’s a start, right?”

“I’m going.”

“I’ll have to stop you then.”

Snape slowly smiled. “I’ve always wanted to see who was the better. You’ve got the DADA position. Are you worthy?”

“I think so. Let’s go, then. While it’s still light out.” Lupin’s voice was calm and collected but underneath he felt a certain eagerness to show Snape that he was the better.

They quickly exited the Three Broomsticks and went up the street to an alleyway that was often used for Wizarding duels. On the way, Lupin tried to engage Snape.

“So do you want to tell me what happened that night? Why is she so reticent? Did you hurt her?”

Snape sneered. “Idiot. No, it was bliss, sheer paradise. She seduced me. Left the party at Hogwarts just to find me, she did. And then she couldn’t even wait until we got to the dungeons.” He shook his head fondly at the memory.

“You’re delusional. You know that, sometimes you quite horrify me.” Lupin took his place at one end of the alleyway while Snape continued to walk down to the other end. There were no windows, only blind walls to witness their battle. Such was the trust they had developed during the final year of the war that Snape actually had his back to his old school enemy as he walked down the alley.

Finally they faced off. Lupin was faster but Snape blocked his “Expelliarmus” with a “Protego” of his own devising. However, Lupin ducked the next hex that Snape chucked at him. A rapid series of curses and hexes fell from their lips, each one either sidestepped or neutralized before they could hit. The alleyway lit up as if it was the day of the final battle with Voldemort.

Finally, Lupin was caught off guard and fell to the ground ding ing his wand and holding his injured hand. Snape waited a moment to see if he would try to continue.

“Well, now we know,” said Snape smoothly. He looked down at him and grabbed his uninjured arm to help bring him to his feet.

“Severus, for once in your life listen to someone who means you well. Don’t bother her right now. Give her time. Harry and I will both try to bring her round.”

“Why? Why should I trust you?”

“Because if I had a child out of wedlock, I’d feel the same as you. I’d want to be a part of that child’s life.” Lupin stopped and flexed his hexed hand. “We were mistaken to think you’d feel otherwise, I’m sorry.”

Snape performed a reversal of the spell that had felled Lupin. “How nice. But if you’ll excuse me, I need to see if a certain locator spell will work.”

“How?” Lupin’s eyebrows shot up in curiosity.

“If the child is mine, there is form of blood magic that will lead me to them.”

“That’s a dark spell, Severus.”

“You still don’t understand. With most dark magic, it is the evil intention or the ill will of the user that makes the spell dark. Since I mean her no harm and I’m using my own blood, there is no wickedness in the deed. For all that was wrong with Voldemort, at least he wasn’t squeamish.”

“And I understand that one of your problems is your laxity with the Dark. Perhaps that is why Hermione doesn’t want you.”

“Oh, do leave off your harping. She will want me. I’ll make sure of it.” He spoke the last sentence so quietly that even Lupin’s sensitive hearing couldn’t make it out.

“Severus, please listen,” called Lupin after the rapidly departing Snape as he disappeared around the corner of the alley.


&&&

Hermione sighed. She was floating in a huge vat of water fixed at just the perfect temperature. The labor pains were something of the past.

“You are a flower, you are opening…” Harry sat behind her in the hot tub, stroking her arms and feeding her ice chips. “You are opening wide, welcoming your child.” He droned on.

Hermione felt so good that she almost dozed off. She didn’t have a care in the world.

Juniper Quail, a fifty-five year old Muggle midwife who oddly enough resembled a quail, entered the room and beamed. Hermione was having a textbook labor. And the young man with her was so very pleasant. What a lovely couple, she thought.

“I’m just going to check you now, Hermione,” said Juniper. Hermione barely nodded. “Oh, we are doing well. That’s 9 centimeters and quite stretchy”

“You are a piece of seaweed, riding up on the waves,” intoned Harry.

“So does that mean she’s ready to push?” he whispered to Juniper.

“Oh, no, not yet deary. I can tell she’s at transition. It’s entirely normal to get a bit spaced out at this point. It’s like the eye of the storm. Carry on, Harry. You are doing an excellent job of being her support.” The midwife climbed up out of the pool and toweled herself off.

Harry blushed and pushed a stray, wet tendril of hair out of his eyes. He wasn’t quite sure if this experience was enough to put him off of women for good or made him eager to find someone of his own in order to start a family.

“You are a lotus flower, floating on top of a pool of clear, serene water…” he continued.

Hermione sighed again. In her mind’s eye she could see the baby dropping down, dropping down, like coming through the neck of a jumper. Just then there was a commotion from outside.

“Yes, Hermione Granger. You must let me see her. I’m the father.”

“Oh, Bloody Hell!” said Harry trying to crane his neck around.

Hermione suddenly started flailing and wound up taking a huge mouthful of water. “What’s he doing here? What’s… How…?” Her whole body tensed and she went into a huge spasm of pain. “Aaaaarrrrghhhh.”

Harry tried to srt hrt her in a half kneeling, squat position, but his focus was completely divided between the laboring Witch in his arms and the increasingly irate and loud voice of the Hogwart’s Potions Professor who sounded like he was just outside their door.

“Well, you damn well better let me in to see her. What kind of cretin’s colony is this? She needs proper attention.”

“Harry!!!” Hermione screamed, digging her nails into his arms as the pain increased and her whole body arched in agony. “Get… rid… of… himmmmmm!”

“Oh, Hell—Help!” Harry looked at Juniper. “It’s her, her insane… um… half brother. I need to get rid of him… I mean-- talk to him. Could you?”

Juniper, eyes wide and mouth hanging open, took Harry’s place. She wiped Hermione’s forehead with a flannel and started to sooth her the now hysterical woman.

Hermione whimpered, and then was suddenly struck by intense back labor and a double peaking contraction.

Harry leap out of the tub, clad in nothing but a pair of cut off jeans. He searched in his clothing for his wand and headed out of the room with an angry look upon his face. He slammed the door shut behind him. Juniper heard someone shout something that sounded like, “Petrificus Totalus” and all was silent. A scant minute later a red faced Harry poked his nose through the door.

“Tell Hermione that matters are well in hand,” he said rather breathlessly while nesly sly running his fingers through his hair. “I’ll be back shortly.”

&&&


Snape’s nose itched. It itched quite terribly. And then there was the cramp in his left leg that kept going into spasm. And, yes, there was the spider which had crawled up his arm and then disappeared somewhere inside his robes. It kept biting him.

Snape watched the sunrise through the dungeon window of his study. He was paralyzed, tied up in ropes and even had a silencing spell cast on him so he could not call for rescue should the petrifying spell wear off. He rather thought that Harry had overdone it, was showing off even. But above all the discomfort, it was being in the dark about how his family--for that’s how he thought of them now—His Family was managing without him that had him nearly undone. He had had no opportunity to give her any pain potions, or labor’s ease lotions or anything that he might have brewed had he been given some notice.

He heard footsteps on the cold, stone floor and saw a pair of sandaled feet. Lupin. Silently he prayed that his fellow Hogwart’s professor would show some mercy on him.

“Severus, Severus, Severus. Well, well, well. Looks like Harry rather went to town on you! Finite Incantantum,” he said and the ropes dropped off. “Oh, there’s more eh? Here we go,” and he released the other spells.

Snape sighed and flexed his arms and legs gingerly. “How is she? And my son?”

“Resting nicely. Let’s see what Harry wrote in his owl post?” Lupin took out a parchment and Snape tried to get to it but his legs wouldn’t carry his weight. “She had a Caesar salad? No um, Caesar section, something like that, he still has terrible handwriting. Baby and mother resting comfortably in St. Agne’s Hospital in Piddlings-on-Stocking. Sounds like a lovely place.”

“A Caesar section? Well, as long as they are fine.” Snape managed to pull himself up onto a chair.

“You don’t look very well.”

“Harry is a monster. Do you know that?”

“What he dhe do besides the obvious?”

“Left me on the stone floor rather than on the carpet. Said he couldn’t do much else to me, but he really hoped I’d catch a bad chill.”

“That’s our Harry!” Lupin sat heavily in the chair opposite. “So, I do hope you’ve learnt a lesson and will back off a bit.”

“Lupin, listen to me. I want to see my newborn son. I want to hold him in my arms. Is it so unreasonable a request? Isn’t it something you’d want?”

“Not if it upset the mum, Severus. You need to think of her rights.”

“Like she thought of mine,” he stated bitterly. “You probably know that I don’t have much of a family. And I never expected I would have one of my own. The idea of Hermione as my wife is more than acceptable to me. She’s bright for being a… a… well, I’m willing to overlook her being a Gryffindor.”

“Oh, how big of you!”

“What is your problem, Lupin?” Snape glared at him. “You know how most pure bloods would react to a situation like this. They’d ignore her. They’d walk away. I think I’m being quite noble. Yes, noble, don’t you dare sneer at me! I wish to marry her. I wish to legitimize my son in spite of her being a mud—“

“Don’t say it!”

“Muggleborn.”

“Better.” Lupin sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Look, maybe we should call up a house elf and have some tea. In spite of a certain odiousness in expression, I do respect what you are saying. But it seems that you haven’t heard a word of what I’ve been saying. She doesn’t want a father and she doesn’t want you. Nor does she want her child raised in the Wizarding world and, based on that premise, I very much doubt she’d accept your ‘very charitable’ offer to make her an honest women.”

“Well, it’s not about what she wants, is it? It’s about what’s best for my son, Saccius.”

“Saccius?”

“Yes, he shall be named Saccius.”

“Harry says he’s named Waldo. She picked the name out yesterday when her water broke.”

“No, no, no Waldo. Waldo Snape? That’s an abomination.”

“Actually, it’s Waldo ‘Granger’ and the name sounds fine to me. A good strong English Muggle name.” Lupin looked around him. “So, where’s the House Elf?”

“It’s their morning off. Union rules, don’t you know?” Snape stood and stamped his foot a few times, “Pins and needles. Harry really cut off my circulation with those ties. I’ll go make you a cup of tea.”

“No, please don’t bother.” n gon got up and started for the door. “And no, I haven’t memorized the Elf Schedule yet. It keeps surprising me. They have all the Holidays off? It’s like they went completely bonkers, didn’t they?”

“No one’s happy about it, least of all some of the Elves,” said Snape, crossing his arms. “There’s been a rather ugly countermovement. You should have seen the protest march they held in the courtyard last month.” Snape looked worried, “Almost came to blows they did. Elf on Elf violence, not a pretty sight.”

“Sometimes I wonder—“ Lupin shook his head. “No, that couldn’t be it.”

“What?”

“Maybe Hermione didn’t leave the Wizarding world because of getting pregnant. Maybe it was all the uproar about the Elves.”

“Do you think?” Snape raised a brow.

“It would be worth considering.” Lupin rubbed his chin. He’d not slept well. He had been worrying about Hermione and then had been woken at the crack of dawn by Harry’s owl. He fondly thought that maybe he should head back to bed. “I’ll be going then.”

“Right.”

“You will leave her alone?”

“Just leave. And stop clucking like some old hen.” Snape stamped his foot one last time and went to make some tea. He needed to do some strategic planning before seeing his newborn son.

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