Dirty Deeds II

16 February

Woke up early this morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. Issue of parents worrying at me. So decided to leave Severus – snoring again! – to catch up on his sleep whilst I drafted a letter. Poor soul wasn’t sleeping much without me as reverted back to insomnia and killer temper so has lots to catch up on.

First draft:

Dear Mum and Dad,

I thoughtouldould drop you a line and let you know that I’m engaged.

His name is Severus Snape – yes, THAT Severus Snape, the one I used to suggest boiling in the oil from his own hair, and who I wanted to garrotte when I was at school.

I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you earlier but we have only just made it official. Bit of a whirlwind romance really.

Perhaps you’d like to meet him next weekend and come for dinner at the flat?

Love ermiermione

Er, no.


Second Draft

Dear Mum and Dad,

Good news! I’ve just got engaged.


Definitely not.


Dear Mum,

I think you ought to take Dad to one side and break the news to him gently. I am engaged to be married – don’t worry, it’s going to be a long engagement, we are going to be sensible.

The bad news is that it is ProfesSnapSnape from school. We’ve been seeing each other for a while – (ned ted to mention how long) – and he’s a lot nicer outside the classroom – (again no need to mention that he’s bloody good in it as well).

The good news is that I adore him, and he adores me.

He is a little shy though, and I think he’s feeling a bit nervous about meeting the pair of you. If he decides to do the traditional thing and ask for my hand in marriage from Dad, tell him he has to say yes straightaway. I don’t want him getting twitchy, or indeed getting away. I think he has visions of you forbidding the wedding and me going along with it. I’ve told him lots of times that you wouldn’t do that, and even if you did do that I would still marry him, but he’s a bundle of nerves.

I’d like you to meet him, perhaps next week? Dinner at the flat? I’d like it even more if you could like him, but if you don’t could you please just pretend for my sake. We can have the arguments about it later if necessary.

I promise he makes me happy though,

Love

Hermione

That’s the one to go with. Despatched it by way of owl before I could change my mind, and then went back in to wake Severus up to a large and late breakfast.

He’s making funny huffing noises and I feel a lump in my throat at the thought that so very nearly not able to hear them ever again. Tempered by knowledge that in thirty years wil will be ready to put pillow over head when hear them again.

I wave a cup of very strong coffee under his nose, and he takes it without opening his eyes. The transmission of coffee to mouth is effected, and after a few minutes enough caffeine has hit his system that he can actually sit upright and talk. He isn’t normally this bad first thing in the morning but as well as not sleeping he’s gone from celibacy to marathon shagging in the space of ten minutes. No wonder he’s tired, bless him.

He then decides to broach matter of parents. All taken care of, I said. Instructions issued. Told Mum to tell Dad that if asked for hand in marriage he had to say yes.

He’s looking a bit shifty. My father didn’t expect him to do that surely?

Probably not, I said. And more importantly, I didn’t either.

Looks relieved. Almost tempted to make him do it for comedy value.

Looks worried again. I don’t want a big wedding do I?
Definitely not.

Happy to put matter into hands of caterers for the reception and take no further interest. Perhaps ask Lucius if he could do it at the Manor – nice place, fabulous house-elves, and Lucius would be in his element. You can see him going all Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen about the whole thing, arguing about whether the table cloth was quite the right shade of pink, and changing the roses to match my dress.

If he had got to rule the world, by god, it would have been colour co-ordinated.

It’s a shame really that all that organisational ability should be going to waste simply because he’s an unrepentant bigot. I think he hopes Draco is going to be able to recover the Malfoy fortunes – in the power stakes, still as rich as always - by means of Harry. Suspect sole reason he didn’t throw wobbler of immense proportions when Draco broke the news was that he could see the political benefits. Well that and the fact that he could never refuse his son anything from Nimbus 4000 to a saviour of the Wizarding World of his own.

Suspect he’s a little disappointed by their lack of power-crazedness and lies awake at night wondering whether Narcissa played him false. But why doesn’t he want to rule the world? He must do, he’s a Malfoy.

Severus much struck by idea and busy thinking of ways of manipulating Lucius into thinking it’s his idea. Suggestion that we simply ask him quickly dismissed as risible. Spent some time watching him being all Slytherin and was just on point of suggesting another shag - have to make up for lost time - when owl returned.

Simple note from Mother

Hermione

Message received. Wilco over and out

Mum


Wilco he asks?

Will comply, I reply. Mum will soon have Dad sorted out.

Where do you think I got it fro



A/N - For the non -Brits Lawrence LB: is a presenter of a program called Changing Rooms where people get their houses decorated by their friends with the help of a \'designer\'. The resulsts are usually hilarious. LLB is a long-haired, flouncy little indiviudal, who wears frock coats made out of rose chintz. BUt not gay, a happily married man who is very firmly in touch with his feminine side. Think Lockhart.