When Living is No Longer Enough

Disclaimer: Please see Chapter One for full disclaimer.


Chapter Two


"...And so we were hoping that you would agree to take over Severus' classes tomorrow as well as the next several days if necessary," Minerva concluded, looking to Hermione in anticipation of the young woman's response.

"Well, taking over his classes tomorrow won't be a problem as I only have the seventh year Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs in the afternoon, but what about the next couple of days? I have several classes that run concurrently with Professor Snape's classes throughout the remainder of the week," Hermione worried.

"Albus will take over any Charms classes that are in direct conflict with the Potions classes so you needn't worry about that," the Transfigurations Professor assured her.

"Of course I'll do it," Hermione answered, biting nervously on her bottom lip, "but I don't think that Professor Snape will be too happy about any of this. I mean, I don't remember him missing a class even once in the entire seven years that I was a student here and he hasn't missed any classes in the past two years that I've been teaching here either. Not to mention the fact that it's me of all people that will be invading his dungeons."

"I wouldn't worry too much about all of that, dear," her mentor soothed. The older woman sat beside her former student and gently patted her hand in a well-meant gesture of comfort. "Severus doesn't dislike you any more than he dislikes the rest of us."

"Well, that makes me feel a whole lot better," the young Gryffindor muttered, allowing an amused grin to grace her petite facial features. "The man has barely spoken a dozen words to me the entire time since I returned to Hogwart's, and I swear that he goes out of his way to avoid me entirely. I mean honestly, can you imagine him being pleased when he hears of this arrangement?"

"I can't imagine Severus being pleased about much of anything other than deducting House Points, especially from Gryffindor. However, I still maintain that he will adjust to your stepping in for a couple of days at most," Minerva replied. Giving her friend a final, reassuring smile, she rose up from the small couch and walked to the door. "Just don't expect any words of thanks from him," she cautioned with a touch of amusement in both her eyes and voice.

"Are you kidding? I'd give better odds that the Slytherin and Gryffindor Houses will become best friends before that would ever happen," the young witch laughed, knowing that such a scenario was practically impossible. Her laughter died almost instantly when a troublesome thought pulled at the back of her mind. "Professor, he will be alright won't he?"

"I hope so," McGonagall answered quietly. "I just don't know how much more of all of this he can take without..."

"I know, but surely this means that Voldemort has discovered that he's a spy? I mean, he can't seriously consider going back after all of this can he?" the former Head Girl interrupted worriedly.

"I don't see how he can and I can't imagine Albus agreeing to let him answer any more summons after what happened tonight," the Transfiguration Professor replied. "But Severus is as stubborn and hard headed as they come. He would have made a good Gryffindor in that respect, but don't you dare tell him I said so!"

"No, Gryffindor would be negative House Points for the next several years if he were to ever hear of such a thing," Hermione chuckled, envisioning the look on her former Potions Master's face in response to receiving such a compliment from anyone. "It's just that with all he's done for the Light, we'll be hard pressed without the information he has provided throughout the years. And yet if he continues like this, he'll get himself killed and I wouldn't want to see something like that happen..." her voice trailed off and she was suddenly filled with a deep sense of loss at the thought of Hogwarts without his presence. It seemed so natural to know he was stalking the corridors and instilling fear into students sneaking around after curfew. Not to mention the fact that it simply wouldn't be the same if the brooding man were no lr prr present to deduct House Points or make snide comments in that dark silky voice...

A discreet cough from Minerva McGonagall was enough to pull her out of her reverie and return her thoughts to the conversation at hand. Hermione looked to the Deputy Headmistress with a sheepish smile and simply shrugged her shoulders, unable to lend voice to such depressing concerns.

"I understand," Minerva said kindly. "We would all miss Severus' cranky demeanor if something were to happen. We'll just have to maintain a close eye on him and ensure that he remains out of harm's way. Of course, we'll have to see to it that he doesn't know that we're keeping an eye on him," she added, her own eyes filled with mirth. "Goodnight, dear... and thank you."

Hermione was still standing in her open doorway, lost somewhere in her thoughts, several minutes after Minerva McGonagall's departure. Rebuking herself for her absent-mindedness, she closed the door, donned her nightgown, and snuggled under the covers blanketing the large four-poster mahogany bed. 'Double Potions class tomorrow with the Slytherins and Gryffindors,' she thought wryly, 'now there's an experience I had hoped never to repeat once I left my student days behind.' But it wasn't the classes or House rivalries that caused her forehead to crease in worry and confusion. Instead, it was the unmistakable feeling of foreboding that settled over her. A feeling in the pit of her stomach that warned of something ominous... something very bad... that was just around the corner waiting to happen, and while she couldn't say exactly what she thought that might be, she could say one thing with absolute certainty: It had everything to do with Severus Snape.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Severus awoke the next morning to the sound of china clinking against the silver breakfast tray as it was placed carefully on his dresser by an elderly House-Elf. The scent of scones, bacon, and eggs filled the room and he spied a pristine copy of the D Pro Prophet resting next to the tray, neatly folded and awaiting his perusal.

He allowed an irritated sigh to pass his lips as he glanced at the clock on the nightstand and realized that he had slept far later than was his usual practice. 'It's already past nine in the morning. That infernal excuse of a medic must have slipped some Dreamless Sleep potion in my tea last night,' he thought with disgust as he shakily made his way to the bathroom to begin his morning cleansing rituals. Half an hour later he immerged, clad in a black silk robe, and was busily towel drying his hair. Failing to notice the figure standing in the corner, he nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of a familiar voice.

"Good morning, Severus," the Headmaster greeted cheerfully, carefully scrutinizing his friend in an effort to determine his current state of health. "How are you feeling this morning?"

"I'd feel a damn sight better if you'd stop creeping up on me," the Potions Master grumbled. "One would think that someone would have taught you to knock prior to entering a person's chambers at some point during the last one hundred and fifty years."

Laughing at the intended rebuke on his manners, Dumbledore calmly replied, "I did call over, but when you didn't answer I decided that it might be prudent to investigate and make certain that you were indeed alright."

"Well, as you can seeam jam just fine, Albus. Now stop hovering over me like some damnable mother hen and leave me in peace. It's bad enough that I am consigned to my room like some errant child, without having to worry about everyone popping in and invading my personal space whenever the urge strikes," the younger man groused.

"Hmmmm, scones, eggs, bacon, coffee, tea, juice... It looks like the House-Elves decided to present you with a sampling of this morning's entire breakfast menu," he noted, handing a mug of black coffee to his friend.

"If nothing else, it gives them something to do," Snape muttered, but gratefully accepted the steaming mug of coffee. Moving slowly on account of his aching limbs, he carefully sank down into one of the plush brown leather chairs nearest the fire and gazed at the Headmaster. He had no choice but to entertain the Wizard, and hoped that his meddlesome mentor would recognize the not-so-subtle hint and make a speedy exit. Knowing Albus Dumbledore as he did, Severus didn't think it likely.

"You do realize the staff is worried about you, don't you?" the Headmaster asked. "We invade your space only because we care about your well-being." He pulled a lemon drop out of his pocket and dropped it into his mouth while carefully watching the Potions Master's reactions to his words.

"I very much doubt that. I have given them no reason to concern themselves wsuchsuch foolish sentimentality, and I daresay their lives would have proceeded as normal whether I had lived or died last night," Snape answered matter-of-factly, reaching for a scone from the silver tray.

"You can't really believe that, Severus?" Dumbledore exclaimed. He noted with dismay that the younger man's blank facial expression did not waver. "In addition to being one of our biggest allies in the fight against Voldemort, we all consider you to be a friend. I am certain that none of us would be either pleased or indifferent had the worst actually happened last night."

Severus looked at his long time friend and carefully surveyed the aged blue eyes that usually held a look of several lifetimes worth of wisdom. It was with no small amount of astonishment that he now found them to be filled with sorrow and dismay. The taciturn man knew that Albus cared in terms of his importance to the resistance, but it never ceased to amaze him that the older man considered him to be of importance in any other capacity, especially that of a friend. After all, the Wizard was the one person who truly knew of the despicable and unforgivable atrocities he had willingly committed during the short time he had served as one of Voldemort's most loyal Death Eaters.

"Alright, so maybe you would miss me, but I can't imagine it of anyone else," he relented. "And how in Merlin's name do you expect me to serve the Light now that Voldemort is aware of my duplicity? I cannot very well accomplish much spying imprisoned within this castle."

"You might be surprised by what you can do and by the number of people that would be willing to help you, if you would only allow them to do so," the Headmaster replied quietly. Dumbledore knew that he would have to tread cautiously as Snape was in no mood to hear, let alone believe, that he still had a valuable role to play within the Order; A role that would not only affect the lives of those around him, but the lives of other Wizards and Witches in the Wizarding World as well.

"What exactly is it that you believe I can do?" Severus asked resignedly, knowing that the Headmaster must have something in mind if he was going to so much trouble to convince him of his own self-worth.

"Potions, for one thing. You are one of the most revered Potions Masters in the entire Wizarding World. Can you honestly sit there and tell me that you could not be of use to the Order when you have such well-honed skills and talents? Can you honestly not see the possibilities of research in the potions field? Research that one day may be able to help fight off Unforgivables or even be used against Voldemort himself to bring about his eventual downfall? What about your knowledge of the Dark Arts or even your knowledge of Voldemort himself? Do you honestly think that these things could not aid us in our struggle against the Dark?" the Headmaster asked incredulously, wishing he knew what thoughts were running through his friend's obviously troubled mind.

"I don't know, Albus, but I will consider your words. In the meantime, I have to prepare for next week's lessons. Although I would imagine that I needn't bother as I will probably find myself having to repeat this week's lessons since Granger is instructing my students, even as we speak," the Potions Master retorted.

"Hermione is a good person, Severus, and an excellent teacher. Perhaps if you would allow yourself to see beyond her years as a student in your classroom, you would be able to see these traits for yourself," Dumbledore gently admonished.

"She's an absolute Know-It-All and doesn't miss an opportunity to flaunt that fact," Snape returned with a snarl.

"She was a Know-It-All, Severus, but she is not so any longer. It couldn't have been easr her her to be thrown into a world of which she knew absolutely nothing. She was alone and felt a need to prove herself, thanks to the taunts and jibes that Pureblooded Wizards, such as Draco Malfoy, constantly threw at her regarding her parentage," the older man answered.

"She was never alone. She always had Potter and Weasley running around her like some damnable defense team," Severus sneered, recalling Hermione's school days when the only time she could be found away from the Boy-Who-Must-Be-Glorified and his hot-tempered side-kick was when she was studying in the library.

"That was a long time ago, Severus. Hermione is an adult now. Harry is attending to his Auror duties and barely gets the time to owl, let alone visit. Ron has been so tied up with the latest investigations into Muggle attacks that the same holds true for him. She is quite knowledgeable in the field of Potions, though you may choose not to verbalize such a fact. However, whether or not you outwardly acknowledge her skills, you may want to consider that she could be of some assistance to you, should you decide to take up researching in your newly found spare time," Dumbledore advised, standing to take his leave. "Perhaps it is time to leave the past...in the past; not only for Hermione's sake, but for your own as well."

Severus remained seated and stared dejectedly into the fireplace. His thoughts were far away from the castle walls that currently imprisoned him, and he barely gave notice to the glowing coals of the morning fire that had all but died out. "Perhaps it is time to leave the past in the past," the Headmaster had said. 'But how is one supposed to do such a thing when there is physical evidence that blaringly stares you in the face on a daily basis, reminding you of every foul deed you've ever done and every bad decision you've ever had the foolish misfortune to make?' he silently questioned, rolling up the sleeve of his bathrobe to stare shamefully at the faded outline of the Dark Mark. 'How can I leave such things in the past knowing that, no matter what good I attempt, it will never be enough to make up for the evil I once embraced?' Pondering these thoughts, Snape was surprised to realize several hours had passed when he looked up to see a House-Elf delivering his afternoon meal.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

TBC


Author's Note: Thank you for the kind words, especially those of you who have read this story previously and have taken the time to review and say that you will be reading it once again. I hadn't really expected that anyone would do so and I must say that hearing otherwise really brought a smile to my face!

~Jules